no, no you can’t! please don’t go away, please? no ones ever stuck with me for so long before.
Oikawa sat and waited, phone screen lighting up occasionally to announce a mixture of people posting on Instagram and videos being uploaded on YouTube, in all honesty he didn’t care. He told himself over and over again not to check his screen when it lit up because the way his heart started to beat faster when it did meant he was getting his hopes up and when he checked the screen and saw the lack of messages from Iwaizumi his heart got crushed over and over again.
He felt like he was choking because of it. Every time he looked at the screen out of the corner of his eyes that voice in his had berated him all over again.
‘See, he would never text you! Who on earth would want to talk to a freak like you huh? God you’re so fucking pathetic, look at you. What? You gonna cry? Please! You’re fucking disgusting you attention seeking whore look what you do to people you make them worry, but then again why should they? You’re a liability, a fucking disgrace, the world would be better without you and you know this, you really do just need to die ya know, everybody hates you, I mean, who could like you? You of all people, Oikawa Tooru? You’re fucking disgusting you just need to die already, you’re a waste of space, you know that they don’t want to be around you, they became your friend before they knew what was wrong with you and they’ll never know just how bad it is, why should you tell them? They’ll probably just tune out, everyone else does, you know you don’t deserve their friendship, you know that. Look at how much happier they are, everyone is better than you and you know that so why do you even try? How easy would it be to just disappear, how long till they notice? They wouldn’t even notice, no one would give a fuck that you’d be gone, that’s one of your worst fears isn’t it, being gone, well you should just disappear, give something for everyone to rejoice about, you’re pathetic thinking people would care that you’d be dead. You know they don’t care, you know it’s getting worse because the music can’t block it out any more...yeah you’re pathetic, just die already, look he’s forgotten, time do die I guess am I right because no one gives a shit, they believe your lies, they believe you’re okay and that’s how it’s gotta be, you can’t be depressed, that’s not how the world works because people have got it so much more worse than you and so you don’t matter! Simple as that
I want to die I’m fat I’m ugly everything would be better if I were dead my mum wouldn’t get so angry I’d be doing everyone a fucking favour I should just kill myself I need to die I would be doing the world a favour no one would have to put up with me no one would have to be around me everything would be better I should just die already the sharp sound is back I need to die everyone would be doing better the world would be so much better without me think of how everyone’s life would be better I need to stop smiling so much I should just die wow, my mum wouldn’t get so angry she wouldn’t have to spend so much money on me the world would be fucking better, everything would be better, they wouldn’t have to put up with me everything would be better I really should just die.’
He sat down quietly, all balled up under his desk, knees bent up to his chest, face looking cowards at an awkward angle which made his neck ache but he didn’t care. Not this time. He knew that what he was thinking was irrational but that didn’t stop him from whispering those words. Whispering turned to speaking and speaking turned to choking sobs as he started to cry. Why was he crying though? He didn’t get it...he never had this problem before so where had it come from? Why was he acting like this? He tightly held a thumbtack pin in his grip, its translucent grip pressed against his skin. He held the point over his forearm, he pressed it to the crook of his elbow. It was better than cutting of course. He wouldn’t bleed. It probably wouldn’t go that far into the skin. It would be healed by tomorrow anyway.
Godzillasimp: I can’t
Godzillasimp: not tonight
Godzillasimp: I’m sorry
OiOikawa: oh wow a reply how pleasant such manners
Godzillasimp: I’m sorry
OiOikawa: do you actually mean that or are you trying to be nice
OiOikawa: you know what? I don’t know why I try
OiOikawa: I feel like I’m the only one carrying this friendship half the time
Godzillasimp: I’m sorry you feel like that Oikawa
Godzillasimp: I jus
OiOikawa: ??
Godzillasimp: I’m still pissed off about the jumper thing
Godzillasimp: lyk
Godzillasimp: ik yu needed it
OiOikawa: yeah I know and I get this but even before that
Godzillasimp: Buh i do care man
Godzillasimp: like
Godzillasimp: I have shit going on too
OiOikawa: I know
Godzillasimp: Nd I try juggle loads fam
Godzillasimp: Nd I’m not saying i don’t like talking to you cause i do
Godzillasimp: but you come across very strong
Godzillasimp: which isn’t a bad thing
Godzillasimp: so don’t think that
OiOikawa: ...sorry
Godzillasimp: it’s jus hard for me to deal wit
OiOikawa: I’m sorry
OiOikawa: sorry to annoy you
Godzillasimp: don’t be
OiOikawa: I won’t talk to you as much anymore
OiOikawa: sorry
Godzillasimp: don’t put it like that man
OiOikawa: Well I mean, I come across too strong for a lot of people and I don’t know what it means so I don’t know how to fix it so to fix it I just won’t talk to you as much
OiOikawa: Because that will make it easier
OiOikawa: If anything I should’ve noticed it all sooner! I’m pretty stupid huh? And when i see you again I’ll give you back your jumper then I won’t bother you again :) sorry for being such a nuisance lol
Oikawa dropped his phone. Was that it? Did he just lose the only person he could trust? Did he just end it all like that? Why was he crying? How did he not realise before that he was too much? How did he not see it? Had Iwaizumi always felt like that? Had he been forcing Iwaizumi into this relationship? He didn’t know...he should’ve known, he should’ve realised the moment he felt like he was carrying the friendship cause when your friends with someone they text more than just a few lines, they don’t not read your messages do they? They don’t leave you wondering for ages do they? Of course not! It was his fault. He was to blame. He should’ve known better than to have dragged someone else into his shit. He should’ve realised this earlier instead of having to go through this again.
Oikawa opened his phone and changed Iwaizumi’s contact name to DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF because he couldn’t text Iwaizumi for awhile. He had to give him space. He couldn’t annoy him again. He couldn’t do this again. He couldn’t do this again. He really couldn’t do this all again. He had to stop. He shouldn’t of expected someone to be able to handle all of his shit. Not again. That wasn’t Iwaizumi’s job and look what he has done to the only person he had even felt safe with, he’d lost him. He couldn’t get close to someone, not again. Not ever again.
It took him an hour to send another message.
OiOikawa: Can I call you when you’re free? Not about my problems or shit but because I just wanna talk to you about this cause like, when I’m texting i either have a stroke from your spelling or I can’t tell in which tone of voice you mean when I read texts so whenever your free haha
It took him thirteen minutes to realise Iwaizumi would not reply.
Ands that what hurt the most.
Iwaizumi would not reply.
And the cuts down his forearm reminded him how much of a freak he was. Because normal people didn’t do this to their friends. They didn’t stress out their friends this much. They weren’t as clingy as he was. He didn’t know what to do...he had always talked to Iwaizumi about his problems and this was the first time in two years he had to deal with this stuff by himself. He had gotten so used to sharing and getting advice that he didn’t know what to do anymore….where would he even start?
It took him another nine minutes to realise he would never be able to take this back and that this was exactly what Iwaizumi was talking about. He was too much for everyone, that was just the hard truth.
In total it took him an hour and twenty four minutes to stop crying. Now he just felt hollow...well no, not hollow but he couldn’t cry anymore - like the calm after the storm.
He took in a deep breath.
Was this fair? Should he really carry on this friendship anymore? He didn’t know but what he did know was that it was 19:43 and at 18:18 he had probably lost his best friend forever because he still hadn’t replied.