Calm down Jamal
They missed morning practice. Hanamaki and Matsukawa found it hilarious, Yahaba, Kunimi and Kindaichi were slightly annoyed since Iwaizumi wasn’t there to take Kyotani but worst of all was Ichiko who glared all but holes into Oikawa’s back. He felt like he was walking on eggshells all day, trying to avoid Ichiko as much as he could, he didn’t want her to snap at him because he wasn’t sure how much more he could take before he snapped and slaughtered her...technically he really shouldn’t care about that though, he didn’t care about killing her, her death would be nothing to him but Iwaizumi’s reaction? He couldn’t imagine Iwa-chan’s face as he clutched the remains of his beloved girlfriend to his chest, staring, horrified at his once best friend. He didn’t wanna see that.
Matsukawa slung an arm around his shoulders, they were sitting on the grass near the running track, luckily for Tooru his fangirls weren’t dumb, he has a loyal following since middle school who acted like the heads of the club and knew what each of his actions meant, instead of finding it creepy he found it endearing, they knew when to get the girls away from him and they knew when he needed that attention just by looking at him and for some stupid reason he loved it? Sure, sometime they were creepy but it didn’t matter, whenever it was Valentine’s Day or one of their birthdays he would write a letter and bake them a muffin and leave it in their locker, they knew he would never date them and yet they still acted like that background backup he desperately hoped to keep around and he was forever grateful!
There were five girls, Sara was the oldest, she was in his year but also the longest, she has been around since nursery, they used to be somewhat friends, that had faded and they didn’t hang out as much but on a handful of occasions he had acted at the gay best friend as well as the boyfriend when she needed it, next was Aoi, her family has worked as the grounds people for his household for a couple of years, she was the only person who knew about his mother and she stood like a rock when he needed that reassurance, when her mother as fallen sick he has been the one to help her with housework, he didn’t understand Japanese that well back then and so she shared her younger brother’s baby books with him till he got used to reading Hiragana, he still thought of her whenever he wrote something down. Akari was a spitfire, she had been the one in middle school to get into a fight because some girl has grabbed his arse which he didn’t appreciate, ever since then he would buy her new earrings and piercings for her birthday, he once even bought the most expensive red hair dye he could find and the next day she came in with most of her head a blood red except for her bangs which she kept black, he thought she was awesome! Yui was very calm, she liked to give him tea on Valentine’s Day so he gave her different incense and tea cups for her birthday and Valentine’s Day, he had met her at a shrine once, apparently her family worked there. Last but not least was Sakai, she was...well what wasn’t she? A fireball of energy but also calm and collected when needed? She was literally a rocket, ready to rev up whenever needed ya know? She loved space as much as he did so he would buy her little alien themed things for her birthday, honestly it made his heart fill with pride when he saw her wearing one of his presents.
Oikawa felt a weight on his back, it brought him out of his daydream quickly. He jumped slightly and turned his head around only to be met with a facefull of fuzzy blonde hair.
“Mad dog-chan?”
He felt his voice quiver, he felt his ears burn from the embarrassment of his voice cracking just because he saw his (favourite) kohai leaning against him.
“Tch shut up, yer gonna ruin the mood.”
The blonde thumped his head against Oikawa’s, as if telling him to face forward again, he did so without a word.
“Wow we certainly do have the pick ‘n mix here huh?”
A shrill voice seemed to crackle through the air like a blown up light bulb, Oikawa rolled his eyes.
“Ichiko, to what do we owe the pleasure?”
Matsukawa sneered, leaning against his captain as if the poor guy was a wall but alas, Oikawa was only somewhat human and the extra weight made him tip slightly, he shoved his hand out onto the ground. His serving hand. He hissed when he felt pain shoot up his wrist from the awkward angle.
“I want to talk to your little captain since he apparently didn’t listen to me last time.”
She stomped into view, Oikawa had to bite back a sigh at the sight of her.
“Oh hello Ichiko! Iwa-chan mentioned you wanting to become our manager?”
How long till Friday? How long till he could get shit faced with the other captain, party like it was the last day on Earth and hopefully wake up with no memories of the previous night except stupid tattoos and videos posted online?
“Mhm I’m sure he did! You see, he is good like that~ when you ask for something he will follow your orders because that’s just who he is!” She crouched down as if talking to a child.
“And well, when you call for him to come around while he is sleeping? It’s not only pissing me off but it means he gets less sleep yeah? So how about you fucking drop your needy act and while you at it, get rid of the Iwa-chan name, it’s Iwaizumi.”
She snapped and Tooru grinned, god she was so pathetic.
“Oh? Well, I talked to the coaches and they said that they’d love you as the manager!”
He purred, eyes glinting in the sun, pupils turning to sharp slits which probably wasn’t normal.
“Mmm I’ll have to think about the other things though! Iwa-chan of course doesn’t have to come around! He chooses to! I’ve never forced him into anything in my life.”
He gave her a sick grin, he would’ve punched her if it wasn’t for Kyotani’s hand gripping his wrist tightly, he didn’t want to hurt this bitch in front of his precious baby mad dog!
“Ugh you’re insufferable!”
She raised her hand and struck him across the cheek, he felt a slight pinch of pain that stood out from the tingling. He raised his hand to his face and felt wetness against his fingers, he pulled them away and stared at the bluey red blood that stained his finger tips. She paused as if she regretted her choices.
“Fucking bitch!”
He snarled and kicked out his leg, hitting her in the knee which sent her back tumbling.
“Touch me again and I’ll rip your fucking eyes out and shove them down your throat so you can watch as I rip your carcass open!”
He felt his teeth sharpen to fangs, nails ached as they grew into claws, eyes burnt as they seemed to glow that toxic blue that was the trademark colour for Godzilla. She got up and half ran, half limped off. He sighed and settled back down, his eyes cooled down, his claws fell out as nails regrew in their place but his fangs stayed.
“Jesus fuck Oikawa, if you had kicked her any harder you might’ve shattered her knee!”
Matsukawa exasperated, mouth agape, he seemed to have missed the glowing eyes, that or his mind blocked it out.
“Ugh I wish, then she’d stop fluttering around my Iwa-chan!”
He pouted and grabbed Kyotani’s hand, gripping it tightly with his long slender fingers, he seemed to be completely oblivious to the wet blood that made the blonde shudder slightly.
“Your?”
Matsukawa grinned, he looked so smug. One bushy eyebrow raised, a cheeky glint in his eyes.
“You look like the cat who swallowed the canary.”
Oikawa sighed, rolling his eyes. He didn’t like that grin, it made him shudder but not in fear, more like he was uncomfortable.
“It’s nothing, I find it funny how you called him yours is all.”
The ravenette waved it off, shrugging as he did so.
“...Do you think Iwa-chan will ever love me back?”
He supposed the question was a bit too deep for a Thursday lunchtime, he didn’t care though, this question was much more important than any awkwardness or tension the same question might cause.
“No, probably not.”
Matsukawa’s words were harsh but they were probably true. Oikawa looked at him with confusion written on his face.
“Whenever he gets a girlfriend you mold yourself to almost fit into them...I don’t think there is anything you could do to make him fall in love with you. If he does he will fall in love with you, not some carefully crafted mask that is a mish mash of previous girlfriend but you don’t show him you..you show him a mask and so I don’t think he will ever love you back because you’re too scared to show him your true self.”
The sharp eyed boy’s words were true which probably made it harder for Oikawa to swallow. He didn’t want that answer but he also knew it was the true answer. It was for the same reason he never dated, everyone who asked him out were just in love with his masks, not Oikawa Tooru, not that ancient and pained animal who, in truth, just wanted companionship. Tooru stared forward, he gently placed a hand over his chest.
“Having all those emotions in you must feel like you’re drowning…”
Kyotani’s voice was quiet, Matsukawa jumped while Oikawa smiled sadly, mad-dog’s body was warm against his back, he appreciated it.
“Did you know that when you’re drowning you don’t inhale until the very last moment, the instinct to stay alive is so strong you won’t open your mouth until you feel like your head is exploding. Then when you do finally inhale that’s when it stops hurting.”
Tooru always stuck to facts, he liked to fall back into the safety net of knowledge when he was distressed. Emotions were confusing, humans were so incredibly complex and they had so many different reactions to hundreds upon thousands of situations and it was so hard for him to remember it all, his senses were overwhelmed, his brain and heart hurt and so he stuck to knowledge, spitting facts till the pain went away.
“I’m fine except for the no sleeping and the constant feeling like I’m not in the right body...like I should just swim into the ocean and never come back…”
Of course he meant that this human form and mind was not his natural state. It was like trying to fit a box through a hole meant for a rectangle. There were some similarities but not enough for it to be passable, that was him trying to contain Godzilla in this fragile state.
“It’s like every time I try to understand what all of it means I can’t breath.”
He raised his hand to his face, digging his nails into his skull, tugging at his hair.
“Like a panic attack?”
His kohai’s voice softened further, he felt bad for the pup.
“Yeah…”
Oikawa mumbled, grateful that Matsukawa hadn't touched him, he could deal with Kyotani because...well he didn’t know why actually, sometimes his brain just picked out people that could touch him while when some others did it he would scratch and rub his skin against things until the skin fell away and blood seeped through.
“So it’s like you’re drowning?”
Matsukawa stated thoughtfully, Oikawa grunted in conformation.
“So, if you’re drowning and you’re trying to keep your mouth closed till that very last second, what if you choose to keep your mouth shut?”
The bushy eyebrowed man turned his head towards the sky, the question made Oikawa let go of his hair, confusion once again painting his face.
“But...it’s an instinct, you can’t just...ignore it? That’s like telling a cat not to purr or a dog not to eat! You can’t just not do what’s been ingrained into your mental and physical being because it’s a reflex.”
Tooru stared at his friend as if he had grown a second head, the Greek boy simply sighed.
“But what if you hold off till that reflex kicks in? You would have more time right?”
Matsukawa rubbed his neck, smiling wistfully at the ground, mischievous eyes shut.
“Well yeah I guess but not much time.”
“But more time to fight your way to the surface? More time to be saved? More time to calm down and realise what’s happening?”
The ravenette’s voice held purpose while Oikawa hadn’t heard in awhile.
“More time to be in agonising pain...did you forget about the part where I said you feel like your head is exploding? Would someone really wanna go through that pain for nothing?”
Oikawa huffed, Matsukawa was being stupid. All humans had this sort of resilience to death, they didn’t want to die and so they kept trying to come up with ways to stay alive, even the ones that said they wanted to die regretted trying to kill themselves afterwards, it was as if having a higher intelligence than other species meant you lost that basic understanding that you will die.
“But if it’s about survival isn’t a little agony worth it?”
Matsukawa turned to face him as if he could read Tooru’s mind, as if he was saying that embracing life meant accepting death but he didn’t get it, why was this human different from the rest?
“But what if it’s agony now then hell later on?”
He retorted, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to wrap his mind around the human’s words. The humans were a weird and incredible bunch, fascinated with their beginning and ignoring how they would end, they seemed to forget they too were animals just like he was. They ignored their primal instinct, teaching their young to forget how their inner animal wails while their human mind that separated them from the rest told them they were above that animal voice but in truth were they? Animals and humans end up the same after all, dead in the ground, skin, blood, muscle and bone rotted away leaving handprints of their life in their wake.
“But what if it isn’t?”
Those words seemed to split the sea of confusion clouding his mind. Once he had been asked by one of the people in the orphanage if he would rather experience emotions without knowing what they meant or knowing emotions but not experiencing them. He had replied he would rather know than not know. His answer seemed to surprise the woman because she had asked him why he would rather not experience emotions, he said it was because knowledge showed that human intelligence while she replied that living without emotions meant you could not truly experience life, she went on to explain that every animal has emotions, even if they didn’t quite understand them.
“I don’t get it, why would you run from death?”
He tilted his head to the side, his usually light brown eyes now dark with thought.
“Because it doesn’t mean you stood still in life, it means you want to keep on living, you don’t want to leave this experience behind.”
Matsukawa chuckled, he looked sad...so incredibly sad.
“But we all die, everything comes to an end because life is temporary, all things great and small die...none can hide from death no matter how hard they try.”
Oikawa laughed bitterly, Mothra, his dearest wife had died, she had faced it shakingly but did not back down, she charged forward into that endless sleep, knowing she would not survive but carried on anyway.
“You should treasure your moment though because beauty fades, that is why it is beautiful. What if you died tomorrow, you don’t know what will come afterwards do you? What if you are reborn and you don’t understand why you miss something you can’t understand? What if you weep in the dark because you don’t know who it is you want, you don’t know why you’re so sad that you’ve forgotten something you can’t even remember?”
Matsukawa seemed desperate, his voice cracked and his eyes shone with unshed tears. Oikawa stared at him, keeping his teeth clenched so he didn’t ask any questions. He opened his arms and Matsukawa slipped into a hug, Oikawa hugged him tightly, rubbing his back softly.
“You sound like you’ve been through some shit.”
Kyotani mumbled, snuggling his way between the two third years, Oikawa cooed at him but the blonde snarled back, face flushed red. Matsukawa choked as he laughed, the laugh was wet with tears and Kyotani pressed his head underneath Issei’s head, face shoved into the tanned skin of his neck.
“Yeah...yeah I have...I’m not ready to share it yet but maybe one day I will.”
His accent was thicker now, usually he sounded more or less fully Japanese but he had grown up in Greece, being taught Japanese by a tutor and so the accent sometimes slipped in.
“Just...we’re here for you ‘n shit I suppose.”
Kyotani mumbled, face burning red like a fire hydrant. The first year very rarely showed this much kindness but when he did it was adorable, causing Oikawa to fawn over him like a bleating mother which usually made Kyotani even more flustered and the poor boy usually ended up squawking incoherently while getting a bear hug from Tooru.
“Yeah yeah I know.”
Matsukawa wetly chuckled, rubbing his face into the fuz of Kyotani’s shaved hair.
“I think we should go get out tongues pierced…”
Oikawa stated, blankly staring at the school building, the thought passed through his head when he thought of a way to bond and for some reason he thought getting tongue piercings would be the way to go.
“Wtf no, my brother would kill me.”
Kyotani grunted, his face scrunched up into one of disgust and judgement.
“You have a brother??”
Oikawa squawked. He had never been told this!
“Yeah, I live with my uncle and my brother.”
The first year swirled around a bit so he was sitting on both Matsun’s and Oikawa’s lap, the third years didn’t mind, Kyotani was like their younger brother or a son really.
“Do we know them?”
Matsun placed his cheek on Kyotani’s head, rubbing his fingers against the buzz cut.
“Yeah, Johzenji’s Captain, Yūji Terushima is my brother..well I suppose he is actually my cousin but his parents left him when he was just a kid and so my uncle took him in. My uncle is Keishin Ukai, he took my grandfather’s name, my mother on the other hand took my grandmother’s since they had a divorce...things got shitty, ma got pregnant real young and had me when she was seventeen, ended up becoming a hooker while my uncle always believed she could do better for herself, get back into archery and go to the olympics and shit but she believed it was too late for her...she told me that if she died I had to take her bow and carry on the legacy so to say, some client stormed in and killed her one night while I was hiding in the back of the sofa which is where I usually hid when she had client an’ shit. M’ cousin, Terushima, came over because his mother sold him for drug money but his father got him out of the house cause even if he hated his son he still didn’t want that fate for him ya know? Anyway, he came over and saw my mother dead on her bed, choked to death or some shit like that so he grabbed me, we packed a bag and ran off. We got to ma uncle’s shop which he was workin in cause it was the summer and he was home from uni. He didn’t tell grandpa what had happened but I suppose the old man has his suspicions because he have Ukai enough to send both of us to school and now we’re here…”
Kyotani spoke as if the story was boring him which he found rather amusing. Matsun paused, eyes widening, he had spoken so calmly despite the worrying story.
“What...I...are you okay? That’s a lot to unpack.”
Matsun mumbled, still gobsmacked from the story. Oikawa smacked his arm, Issei yelped and stuck his tongue out at his captain, Kyotani huffed out a snort and shook his head.
“Nah it’s okay..I’m just glad to share it I guess.”
The blonde looked up at the canopy of green leaves that seemed oh so peaceful, unaffected by the varying tales of the humans below. Perhaps that’s what he wanted to be, a tree, oh so old and oh so strong, listening to the stories of humans and whispering their words when the wind blew through their leaves so the tales would spread far and wide. Maybe that’s why he joined Seijou in the first place, nature was here first and nature will be the last life this planet will see, it stands forever changing but forever there, even if some of it gets killed and paved over with concrete, even when owls pick at it to make their nests, crows squawk and fight with cats on it, when swans and eagles tear away at it, snakes wrap around trees and hunt, iron walls placed down into the ground, cutting and destroying that nature it will always be there in the end. When that iron wall has rusted away, when the cats, eagles, swans, snakes, owls and crows have taken their final breath and laid their eyes to close for a final time nature will still be there. That young sapling who watched that chick turn to a full feathered crow might be sad but it will see this process over and over again until the tree either dies or is cut down. That’s just the way nature was, maybe that’s what he needed, maybe that’s what he wanted to be...maybe that’s just how Aoba Johsai was.