STAY BY MY SIDE
The morning after the therapy session Yeji looks herself in the mirror with a blurry gaze. It had taken several hours for her to fall asleep last night. Her thoughts had kept her awake far past midnight. If Yeji did not have dark rings under her eyes earlier, she most certainly has now. As her eyes slowly gets used to the bright light of the bathroom she sees the rings clearly. She will need more make-up than usual to cover those up. She better hurry if she wants to find Ryujin before the first lesson of the day starts.
As usual she opens the bathroom storage to grab her bag of make-up, but then it hits her. An old conversation from the devastating day makes itself reminded. Ryujin had questioned Yeji’s need for make-up. But was it ever really Yeji’s need? Or was it actually just something she did without any reason? Just because others expected her to?
A feeling grows strong inside of her as she raises her gaze and once again meets her reflection in the mirror. No, she’s not going to wear any make-up today. She’s making her own choices from now on, starting with this.
With a loud thud she pushes her bag of make-up back into the storage and closes the door with a slam. She starts brushing her hair and decides to put it in a high ponytail. As she is in the middle of her work she can hear footsteps approaching from the corridor and a few seconds later her brother steps inside.
“What are you doing in here?” He asks with a questioning, yet a bit worried, face.
Yeji turns to him with the brush in her hand. “Nothing.”
“It almost sounded like you were upset.” He continues carefully, as if entering a minefield. Yeji feels her heart warm up and she lowers her brush. With slightly teary eyes and a compassionate smile she answers her brother. “You don’t have to worry about me. I only decided to go without make-up.”
“Okay.” Hyunjin says slowly while making a confused face. However, Yeji has no intention of explaining herself to him. Not now when she’s in the middle of her morning routine. Instead she exits the bathroom to go change clothes. She can feel her brother’s gaze upon her but cares nothing of it. Her mind is already occupied with more important matters, how she will bring Ryujin back into her life again.
With that in mind she finishes the last preparations and leaves to take the bus to school. Her brother joins her side but doesn’t say much. Perhaps he too has something energy consuming on his mind, or perhaps he’s just tired.
When the bus arrives at school the twins tag along as they walk into the building. Just like any other morning they set track for their lockers. This time however Yeji hurries to sort her things out. When she after already a minute has closed her locker she earns herself a questioning look from her brother.
“Why in such a hurry?” He asks questioningly.
With her bag hanging over her right shoulder she stops, feeling her heart beat a little faster. Can she really tell him the reason for her rushed movements? How will he react if she tells him?
After a few seconds of silence, she decides to turn around and face her brother. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to tell him about her plans, perhaps he can even help, or in the very least support her decision.
“I made up my mind yesterday, during the therapy session.” She takes a few steps closer so that he can hear her whispering. “I have decided to stay true to myself, I’m not going to change because mom and dad wants me to. I wanna be me.”
She takes a step back and notices how Hyunjin’s eyes starts to tear up. Then he surprises her, by pulling her into a tight hug.
“You’re choking me.” Yeji laughs jokingly, feeling a stroke of relief run through her. Now she has said it out loud, mentioned her decision, and her brother did not protest.
“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says after he has let go of her. “It’s just a very emotional time now. Mom and dad make it so hard for us.” He pauses, seemingly at loss for words to ad. When looking into his eyes Yeji can see the underlying pain that he is carrying. He too must have been affected by all the events. It can’t be easy for him either.
“Mom and dad sure make it hard for us,” Yeji answers her brother. “So please don’t tell them about my choice. I was thinking of hiding it from them until we finish high school.”
Hyunjin raises his eyebrows. “But that’s almost two years. Can you really do that?”
Yeji shrugs, while trying to keep her face free from the worry that keep growing inside of her. “I have no other choice, you know how they are. I mean look at the consequences they have already given me. My plan is to pretend I have changed and thus making them trust me again, so that I once again can live a free life.”
“Do you think it will work?”
“It must,” Yeji looks at her brother with determined eyes and he nods. “Now I’m gonna go find Ryujin and apologize to her.”
“Apologize?”
“Yes, I just might have shouted in her face that I never wanted to see her again.” Yeji fakes a laugh. The wind of regret has started blowing again, growing stronger the further her thoughts about the incident goes. Ryujin didn’t deserve to be treated like that. All she wanted was to ease the burdens laid upon Yeji’s shoulders. Yet Yeji had blown her off, cut the wire between them. But is it really completely cut off? Or is it possible for her to restore it?
Hyunjin looks at his sister with pity in his eyes. “I hope you can make it up to her.”
“Me too.” Yeji swallows and does her best to smile optimistically. “Wish me good luck.”
“Good luck.”
With those words from her brother Yeji turns around and starts walking towards the corridor where Ryujin has her locker. She must find Ryujin and talk to her. No way she’s going to accept any other outcome.
When Yeji reaches the corridor, she notices that Ryujin is not conveniently standing at her locker. With a heavy sigh Yeji therefore decides to sit down on one of the benches to wait for her. Her bag slips down to the floor and her hands lay restless in her lap when watching student after student go up to their respective lockers. Every new face appearing sends her heart racing at double pace, makes her nerves crumble under the sudden and intense tension. One of the students will be Ryujin and Yeji has to be prepared to approach her.
Then suddenly, side by side with Jeongin and two other guys, Ryujin enters Yeji’s view. She too is, as usual, without make up and she wears her white beanie over her blond hair. The guys are laughing loudly around her while she remains quiet and calm. Now Yeji has her chance.
With a racing heart she stands up, ready to walk up to Ryujin. Her legs are trembling slightly as she approaches the group of four. The boys are all much taller than Ryujin and she is almost completely covered by them. The physical human wall is putting pressure on Yeji’s trembling nerves. This is not how she envisioned it. Ryujin was going to be alone and approachable, not hidden away like some kidnapped princess in a tower. However, it’s her duty to surpass this wall. If she can’t climb the tower, she has to look for alternative ways. No goal has only one route to take.
Yeji therefore rounds the three laughing men and approaches Ryujin from her right side, where she has her locker door opened, covering her face. As a way of making contact Yeji knocks on the hard surface. The metallic sound seems to frighten Ryujin as she jumps in her spot and quickly turns around towards Yeji. Her eyes are wide as the full moon and over her face lays an expression of pure annoyance. It makes Yeji shrink in size where she is standing but doesn’t make her move in the slightest, she is determined to go through with her plan. She didn’t stay up all night, coming up with possible scenarios, just to back out now.
Yeji looks at Ryujin with a serious face and does her best to keep a calm façade beside her racing heartbeat.
“We need to talk.” Yeji says as firmly as she can.
Ryujin just stares at her without saying anything. With her eyes still locked at Yeji she slams the door shut. To Yeji’s surprise the loud noise doesn’t seem to break through the surrounding laughter and chit chat. Only she and Yeji seems to take any notice of it, as if they’re in their own bubble. With her intense gaze she stares at Yeji.
“Why?” Ryujin’s voice is unsteady and she turns her head away, not able to keep the eye contact.
“I think you know why.” Yeji says in a firm tone. She must get Ryujin to listen to her, must clear this up.
“I have a lesson.” Ryujin mumbles and pushes herself through the crowd, bumping into Yeji in the meantime. The sudden touch sends a rush through Yeji that freezes her body, disables her from moving. With an increasing breathing she stands there, watching Ryujin disappear through the corridor. Damn it! This was not according to plan. Ryujin was supposed to gladly follow her to a separate room and clear this mess up. Now Ryujin didn’t even want to speak with her. What is Yeji going to do now?
With a mind filled of shattered thoughts she remains still, staring into the void in front of her. An emptiness suddenly comes over her. She really did not have a plan B, even though she stayed up late to figure this one out. Is she really such a failure that she can’t even come up with an emergency backup plan? Is this where it ends? Will she have to deal with the pain all by herself anyways?
“So where do you have your brother, Yeji?” Jeongin’s voice cracks through her troubled mind. She shakes her head slightly and turns towards him, the other boys are still teasing each other in the background. Jeongin has a friendly but serious face. Could he possibly have heard the conversation? Seen how Ryujin almost stormed off?
“Uh,” She starts, still not completely back into reality. “I don’t know.” A fake smile spreads over her face and she lays her head to the side, trying to pretend that everything is completely fine, even though the second piece of her heart just walked away, not wanting to see her.
Jeongin smiles and they keep staring at each other for a few seconds. The muscles in Yeji’s face starts to cramp and she is forced to let her smile fall.
“Ehum, I need to go to my lesson now.” She says slowly and points in the direction of her classroom. Jeongin nods while continuing to smile. Yeji takes a step back before turning around and with quick movements leave the noisy group of boys behind her.
When the lesson starts Yeji has a hard time focusing on the assignment. Instead her mind is set on how to make Ryujin speak with her. She can’t give up, must come up with a second plan. When will she have the opportunity to meet Ryujin again? That is unsure. Well, if she doesn’t know then she will have to create the opportunity herself.
In the middle of the lesson Yeji excuses herself and leaves for the bathroom. While in there she picks up her phone and searches in the school app for the different classes schedules. Luckily enough Yeji remembers what classes Ryujin is taking and can by that figure out where she is going to have her last class. If she catches her there Ryujin will have no reason to run away from her. Yes, that’s what she’s going to aim for.
Determined she goes back into the classroom. When sitting down at her spot she locks eyes with Jisu who looks at her in surprise.
“You seem happy.” She whispers while continuing to look at her, now more in suspicion than anything.
“I have a plan.” Yeji leans closer to make Jisu hear her small words better. “I can tell you tonight, if you are free?”
“Sure.” Jisu nods, sill looking at her with a questioning face. “I have no idea what you are talking about but a plan sounds great.”
Yeji smiles and then ends the conversation by facing her work again. The day then proceeds smoothly. When Yeji’s last class finishes she finds her way over to Ryujin’s classroom. Luckily Ryujin’s class ends after Yeji’s and therefore she can wait outside to catch Ryujin when she leaves. Impatiently she leans against the cold wall and exhales deeply. She moves her right foot in a circle, then her left and then her right foot again. Is the class never going to end? As her mind goes off the classroom door opens. A stream of students exits the room, chatting lively with each other. Now she has her chance, she must find Ryujin in the flood of people.
Her gaze wanders from head-to-head. Too tall, brunette, wrong face. Where is she? Then, there, in the midst of the crowd, she sees the blonde, walking with her head tilted down towards what she’s carrying. Yeji’s pulse raises like a jet. Now it’s her chance!
In a hurry Yeji presses herself into the stream of people. She doesn’t care about the others, in her view there is only one person existing. Desperately she grabs a hold of Ryujin’s arm. Her grip is powerful and forces Ryujin’s arm to straighten and thus loosing it’s hold onto the stuff. It also manages to turn Ryujin around and in that very movement the books and computer falls to the floor with a loud thud.
“What the!” Ryujin exclaims in a chocked tone. With an upset expression she stares at the mess on the floor, then quickly redirects her gaze towards her arm before finally landing her eyes on Yeji. Her expression is unique, uniquely scary. Only Ryujin has the ability to stare at someone with such intensity and make it seem legitimate and not insane.
“We must talk.” Yeji says. The surrounding students’ voices fade away as they leave the corridor behind, seemingly without taking any notice of the ongoing event. Ryujin throws quick glances around her, as if to check if anyone still there. When realizing so is not the case her posture relaxes. Her crooked brows go back into their natural position and she nods, still with the intense gaze. Finally! Yeji almost jumps out of pure joy over having crossed the first line.
“Great!” She exclaims and bends down, feeling her body relieved from the earlier tension. “I’ll carry your stuff.”
“No.” Ryujin says in a firm tone with her gaze directed towards Yeji. “I’ll carry them.” She bends down herself to gather her disarranged stuff. Yeji stares at Ryujin’s fingers quickly sorting the books and computer into a pile. She remembers having the very same fingers playing with her hair, caressing her cheek and wandering all over her body. Now they are so close yet so far away. She must make this work between them, she just has to.
Yeji stands up again, and watches Ryujin do the same with a tight grip on her stuff. The blonde hair falls back towards her face, framing it as prettily as always. As they lock eyes Yeji notices Ryujin’s gaze shift, suddenly her eyes are blank. Ryujin takes a hasty step back and turns away. She tilts her head backwards before speaking.
“If you want to have a talk then let’s go somewhere private.”
“Sure.” Yeji answers and starts following her down the corridor. Not a single time Ryujin turns around to check if Yeji has her back. On the other hand, that isn’t necessary because Yeji is more eager to keep her pace than ever.
Ryujin makes a few turns until they stand in front of a group room. She opens the door and enters. Still with her back turned against Yeji she speaks up.
“Press the occupied button and close the door.” The words sound more like an order, but Yeji doesn’t mind.
“Yes.” Yeji follows the directive while sorting her words in her mind. How is she going to bring the topic up? Should she weigh her words on a scale of gold or should she just let them slip without a plan?
Yeji inhales deeply to fill her blood with all the oxygen it needs to go through with step two, expressing her regret. “Ryujin I-, “ She starts but is interrupted by Ryujin.
“I thought you never wanted to see me again.” Her voice is cold and so is the look on her face. She seems to have put on a mask of steel on the way to the room. Earlier Yeji has only seen her equipped with a sword, attacking. Now she is standing her without a weapon and thus a shield seems to be her only way to survive the battle. But is this really going to be a battle? That’s not Yeji’s intention at least. She has come unarmed and has to make sure Ryujin understands that.
“I know I said that, but it was a stupid mistake.” Yeji answers and is immediately met by Ryujin’s sharp words.
“You told me I was a mistake.”
“I know, I know, and I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean it. I don’t know what I was thinking then.”
“There are not many things you seem to know.”
Yeji feels the words scarring her heart. “I know.” She says, lowering both her head and gaze. In the corner of her eyes Yeji notices how Ryujin turns her head and keeps her gaze directed at her. But Yeji doesn’t dare to look into her eyes, fearing that they will tell her something she doesn’t want to hear.
As none of them speaks up the silence finds its way around them, expanding in the small room, making it hard for Yeji to keep her thoughts on board. Should she say something? Then what is she supposed to say? Or is it better to wait for Ryujin to speak up?
The intensified flow of thoughts also intensifies her breathing and makes her heart beat faster. Dear what is she going to do now? However, she doesn’t have to decide since Ryujin speaks up.
“The last few days have been chaotic to say the least.” Ryujin’s voice is suddenly much softer, much more like her usual self, the Ryujin that comforted Yeji during all her breakdowns and supported her unconditionally. The softness sends Yeji the comfort she needs to dare raising her gaze and meet Ryujin’s eyes. When looking at Ryujin’s face she gets it confirmed. Over her lips there is a smile and in her eyes the light of her golden heart shines through.
Yeji laughs in relief. “Since the party I have changed my identity not only once but twice.”
“What do you mean?”
“At first, I decided to go back to my old self. I was trying to forget you and everything that happened between us.”
Ryujin snorts and rolls her eyes upon hearing the words, almost looking a bit offended.
“I agree, the idea was stupid, but I didn’t know better then. I so desperately wanted to believe it was possible. I wanted everything to turn back to the way they were, back to when nothing was complicated. However, as time went by, I realized it was never going to work.” Yeji feels the tears drawing closer to the edge and she forces herself to take a deep breath to prevent them from falling.
“It was too late for me to turn back, I had already changed too much. I knew what was out there and living without it just didn’t make me feel good, rather the opposite.”
Ryujin stares with a confused face at Yeji. “And the result is?”
“I want to live my life in my own way, not how my parents want me to.”
Ryujin nods seriously. “Good decision.”
“Still, I can’t tell my parents about that. I will have to pretend I have changed back into their old daughter without any interest in girls. Otherwise my life will be too troublesome, they will make it troublesome. You see after the party they made up restrictions for me, and the only way to make them disappear is by acting like they want me to, pretend to be their perfect daughter.”
“I see.” Ryujin bits her lip and looks with teary eyes at Yeji. Her underlip starts to tremble and her facial muscles are noticeably tense. Then she suddenly burst out into tears, sobbing and covering her face with her hands, as if the wall finally cracked and everything behind it is free to run. The sight sends a sting through Yeji’s body. Seeing the other piece of her crying like this makes her heart scream for its other half, wanting to be one with it, healing it. Without thinking Yeji raises from the chair she has been sitting on and rounds the table. With extended arms she meets Ryujin and embraces her trembling body.
“I’m sorry.” Ryujin sobs. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”
“It’s okay, you have seen me crying plenty of times. Besides, it’s good to let out some steam, you’ve said it yourself.”
Ryujin laughs at Yeji’s words and releases herself from the hug. “Wise words, too bad it’s hard to act according to them.”
“I think you’re doing good right now.” Yeji smiles compassionately.
Ryujin wipes away the tears from her face, even though they silently continue falling down her wet cheeks. “I’m sorry I caused this upon you.”
“What are you talking about?” Yeji looks at her in confusion, holding her at a slight distance.
“Because I knew Hanguk would do this, yet I never told you.”
What? She knew about Hanguk’s plans about exposing them? But how? And why?
Before the thoughts are running away any further Ryujin continues speaking.
“Do you remember at the party when Hanguk wanted to talk with me alone? He then told me that if I didn’t stop seeing you and started dating him again he would expose us in front of the whole party.”
Yeji gasps loudly and puts a hand in front of her mouth. What a trash bag of a person. How could he do something like that? How could anyone? It’s blackmailing. If he really loved her and wanted her back then blackmailing is one of the last things he should do.
The hatred for Hanguk raises up again and rages inside of her. What an absolute piece of shit he is.
“I didn’t believe him,” Ryujin continues. “I thought it was just empty threats, but it seems I was wrong.” The tears stars flowing in a more intense stream and Yeji reaches out to embrace her again.
“I should have told you about his words.” Ryujin sobs into Yeji’s shoulder. “You deserved to know. Perhaps we could have acted against him together.”
“I don’t think there is anything we could have done.” Yeji replies. “Hanguk is crazy.”
As Ryujin’s tears intensifies once again Yeji holds her tighter and they stand like that for several long minutes. It feels good being able to stand strong when her loved one need someone to lean on. She knows herself how valuable it is when the inner world is chaos. Ryujin seems to appreciate it too as she doesn’t turn away. Holding her this close is filling Yeji with all the energy she needs to continue living her life in disguise. She must have Ryujin to fill her up every now and then, otherwise she will shrink and die, just like a flower without its sun and water. She must have her by her side to flourish.
“Ryujin, could you tell me something.” Yeji says after having taken a deep breath, preparing for the big question that she must get an answer to.
“Yes?” Ryujin answers, wiping away the last tears from her eyes.
“Will you continue to be in my life, be with me?”
A big happy smile spreads over Ryujin’s face and for the first time this day she lights up. With her sleek hands she cups Yeji’s face. “Of course I will.” And with those heartwarming words Ryujin bends forward and lets her lips meet Yeji’s in a soft kiss. Dear, Yeji would walk through fire for this girl. She is so thankful she came into her life, and even more thankful that she wants to stay.