Fake & True
The following day Yeji finds herself entering the therapist’s room. It’s located in an old house in a part of town that Yeji rarely has visited. The walls are filled with paintings with thick elaborate golden frames and on the floor there is one big extravagant carpet. It’s almost like entering an old snobby Victorian salon.
“Have a seat.” The therapist says and makes a sweeping gesture towards an oversized green armchair. What is this place? It’s like being in a museum. The himself looks like something out of an old painting, with small round glasses on the nose and a stiff posture.
“So, tell me,” The therapist continues where he sits on a wooden chair in front of Yeji. “Why are we here today?” He looks at her through his tiny binoculars. Why is he asking her that? Doesn’t he know? Or does he just want to hear her say it, put the words in her own mouth?
Yeji inhales deeply before answering. “To make me normal.”
“Which means?” He looks encouraging at her.
“Make me stop liking girls?” When uttering the words Yeji suddenly doesn’t feel as sure anymore. Is she really not normal who likes girls? Sure, most women she knows are attracted to men and the majority is often the normal, but does everyone really have to be the same?
No matter Yeji’s thoughts the therapist nods and smiles proudly. “You have now taken the first step of leaving the unnatural habits and thoughts behind. You should know that you have made the right decision. Only by living with a partner from the other gender one can be truly happy, because that is the only natural way. Nature has created man and woman to live as one. Only that way can the human race survive and prosper.”
Yeji inhales once again, this time to shove down all the emotion the therapist's words has stirred up in her. Is it really true? That one can only be happy with a partner of the other gender? But what about all the joy Ryujin has sent her during their times together? Was that unnatural happiness? It was pure happiness nonetheless so why shouldn’t it count? And so what if only a man and woman can create a child. No one has said there has to be love involved to make babies. Ryujin and her brother were born from two people who were not in love. As long as the parents are on good terms and take their responsibility over the child then that should be an accepted way of living as well, shouldn’t it?
The therapist leans forward in his chair. He lowers the notebook in his hands and thus catches Yeji's attention again. With slightly furrowed brows she listens to his words.
“Your parents have told me a bit about you, but I thought you might tell me about yourself.” He looks at her with an annoyingly encouraging face.
“Well, what do you want to know?” Yeji crosses her arms over her chest.
“Tell me about yourself.”
“Yes, but what do you want to know?” Yeji sighs. She hates these types of questions. Who is she? Good question. The only thing she does know is that she doesn’t know. So how is she expected to answer this stupid therapist’s ridiculous questions.
“Okay, we may try starting in another end. Tell me about how you realized you weren’t like others.”
“What do you mean? That I liked girls?” Yeji raises her eyebrows and the therapist nods at her. “Well, I don’t know where it really started but I know when the realization hit me for real.”
“And when was that?”
“After spending an afternoon cooking with this girl.”
“And how did it feel then?”
Yeji hesitates. Should she really tell a stranger about her most private and inner feelings? Has this old man any right to know? Well, if he is going to help her overcome this pain she might actually have to share it. Unfortunately.
“I was drained of energy, physically I mean, because my mind was clearly awake. I couldn’t stop thinking about the feelings she had made me feel. It was like she sent electricity throughout my body. Everything was so new and confusing.”
The therapist nods as he once again writes something down in his notebook. “I see, did you ever feel bad about it?”
“Of course, I knew I could never live like that.”
“That’s a great start. Have you ever let go of that thought?”
“That I could never live with liking girls?” Yeji looks questioningly at the therapist and he nods affirmingly. “No, not completely. It has always been lingering in the back of my mind, no matter how far I went.”
“How far have you gone?”
Yeji stares at him in chock but reminds herself that she has to answer his questions for the pain to disappear. Just take a deep breath. No one said this was going to be easy. “We have kissed a couple of times.”
“Nothing more?”
“Just touching.”
He nods smilingly. “That’s great. It seems that you haven’t gone too far away from the normality. I’m sure we will be able to fix you.”
Fix her? Like she is some sort of object. This man really needs to watch his vocabulary if he wants to build an alliance with Yeji.
Before she gets the chance to continue her thoughts the man speaks up again. “Now we’ll do a little exercise. I want you to close your eyes and picture the two of you together.”
Yeji does as she is told. The picture of the blond Ryujin appears in her mind, smiling mischievously at her. It makes Yeji’s heart skip a beat and raises her pulse.
“And now I want you to go back in time and replay your last kiss.”
In Yeji’s mind Ryujin leans closer and smacks a wet kiss on her lips and Yeji answers by pulling Ryujin closer. She remembers the feeling of entering heaven and being surrounded by only the good in life. The touch had sent lustful waves through her body and made it live a life of its own. If Yeji had the bravery and if the timing was better Yeji might have unzipped that green dress and thrown it across the room. She remembers the feeling so strongly.
“And now,” The therapist continues. “I want you to replace her with a man. Imagine yourself a handsome young man.”
Slowly the picture of Ryujin fades away and instead of looking into Ryujin’s safe eyes she is now staring right into Hanguk’s gaze from hell. It scares her and makes her instinctively open her eyes.
The therapist smiles at her. “It’s okay, try again.”
Little does he know that she just envisioned the man she hates to most, the man who indirectly forced her to come here. But sure, she can give it another try, because what other alternatives does she have?
This time she tries to envision herself with a conventionally attractive man. He leans closer towards her with his overly muscular body and pouts with his dry lips. When they meet her’s she feels his stubble itching against her skin. The heated waves she felt before dies of in a second. In her mind she pushes him away from her and stares at him with a disgusted face. Now that’s better, put him where he belongs, at a safe distance.
“How does that feel?” The therapist asks curiously.
“Not good.” Yeji answers truthfully.
“What was the difference in your feelings?”
“The man made me feel disgusted and she,” Yeji hesitates, thinking hard of how to describe it. “She made me feel at home, relaxed, safe. I felt good with myself.”
“That’s just how we are going to make you feel when you think of men. We are going to swap the thoughts, starting from today. It may take some time but it will be worth it. We will turn you back into normal, you just got to believe in it. Then I can guarantee that you will succeed.” The therapist smiles once again and presses his binoculars higher up on his nose. Yeji stares at him. Believe in it. Does Yeji really believe that it is possible to change? Does she believe that she must change? After the conversation with her brother last night she is not so sure. If others can live openly as queer, why wouldn’t Yeji be able to do so as well? Other parents accept, respect and even love their queer children. Why can’t Yeji’s parents do the same?
The thought awakens a burning rage inside of her. How can they do this to her? They keep deflecting the truth, pushing it away. Instead of accepting the truth they are trying to build some fake shell around it and thus forcing Yeji into a role she can never play. This therapy session is only one of many examples, restricting her from seeing girls another and not letting her walk around freely a third. It’s not fair and most definitely doesn’t relief the pain inside of her. Now when the option of turning back into her old self is eliminated, it leaves her with only one solution to this pain. That is being with Ryujin. Yeji’s heart is screaming for its second half, its lost piece. Only when they are together her heart stops aching, only then it’s hole, only then she is relieved from the pain. She must find a way to have Ryujin close again. It doesn’t matter if she has to hide it from her parents. She can put up a play, pretend she is the old version of herself, anything to regain her freedom and thus making room for Ryujin in her life again. That is if Ryujin even wants to be with her after Yeji so harshly told her to stay away.
A lump of worry takes its form inside of her. She must speak with Ryujin. Tell her that she was wrong, that she regrets saying those words. Ryujin deserves to be treated better. After all she was there for Yeji when the tears overflowed her and gifted her the most precious feeling in the world, love. Yet Yeji coldly dissed her and told her she never wanted to see her again. How could she be so stupid? No, Yeji has to take back her words, prove to Ryujin that she is sorry. It doesn’t matter what this old man of a therapist says. Yeji might not be normal, but that’s okay. Not everyone are the same. Now it’s up to her to fix her life, make her own choices, starting with getting Ryujin back on her side again.