BETTER
Yeji walks through the rest of the week as in a fog. The unclear sight makes her weak for sudden attacks by the lingering pain and at times she finds herself broken down into tears. When her parents ask her about school she can’t remember the day. The fog has taken away her ability to remember her surroundings, forcing her into her own dark mind.
Then slowly, Sunday evening arrives. Tomorrow Yeji will leave earlier from school to go see the therapist. During these last days Jisu has made several attempts to talk with Yeji about her situation, but Yeji had continuously come up with the same type of answers:
“Not now” and “I’ve already made up my mind”.
The last day it even went so far the she tried to avoid Jisu the whole day. Her questions only reminded her of the burning pain she holds, the one thing she is trying to get rid of.
Now she is preparing for going to bed, changing into her silk pajamas and pulling down the blinders. Only her bedside lamp is lighting up the room. Soon enough also that will be turned off and Yeji will be surrounded by complete darkness, and she hates it. When there is no sound, no light and Yeji has nothing for her hands her thoughts grow stronger, hits her harder and goes deeper. The pain increases in size and power as Yeji is left without protection from outer distractions. Her mind goes to Ryujin, Hanguk, her parents and then back around. The pain originates from multiple events, several people and are of different sorts. The pain caused by her parents comes from their clear disapproval of her life choices and their harsh conditions for once again taking her to their heart. The pain caused by Hanguk comes from his unpredictable nature and crazy actions targeting not only her but also his ex-girlfriend and indirectly Yeji’s whole family. Last but not least the pain caused by Ryujin comes from the heartbreaking knowledge of that they can’t be together, not as friends nor as lovers. All this mix together and causes Yeji’s mind to go insane.
As she slides down under her blanket and the darkness embraces her, she realizes that she won’t get any good night’s sleep this time either. Ryujin, Hanguk, parents. It physically hurts in her stomach, in her limbs and in her heart. The mold of sorrow never seems to decrease in size. Yeji turns around in her bed, hugging one of her pillows tightly. She sighs loudly as the memory of her first sleep over at Ryujin’s crawls back up to her mind. Ryujin had thrown a pillow at her, meant for her to sleep on. Not too long after that they had made out in the bed and Yeji had cried in Ryujin’s arms. In the morning Ryujin’s brother had busted in and scared Yeji awake. During breakfast Yeji had met the rest of Ryujin’s family. Yeji smiles for herself when reminiscing how they had a little fight because Ryujin didn’t want to answer why she never told Yeji about her dancing experiences. In the end it was all about Ryujin’s self-confidence and her fear of being looked down upon. She showed Yeji that she too is human and Yeji felt it brought them closer. After that they really started to spend a lot of time together, several days every week. It was wonderful meetings. In Yeji’s weakest moment she goes back to the memories from then, relives them and once again takes part of the joy she felt back then. Afterwards she hates herself. Because those thoughts are what’s keeping her from ever becoming a part of the family again. Therefore the therapy session tomorrow is highly important. It must help.
After laying like this for a while Yeji throws a glance at the clock on her bedside table. It’s almost 12 o’clock, which means she’s been trying to fall asleep for over an hour. She sighs loudly, almost grunting, and presses her face against the pillow. Then she hears a sound coming from the hallway outside of her room. Footsteps can be heard passing by and then the sound of a door closing. If Yeji doesn’t mistake herself it must have been her brother, which means he’s still awake. How is he holding up after the recent events? Yeji has barely talked to him since she spent most of her time alone in her room. He too must feel something. Perhaps Yeji should go and talk to him? Because those steps passing by were no steps of a tired person.
It takes only a few seconds before Yeji has made up her mind and carefully leaves the warmth of her bed to sneak out into the hallway. Quietly she approaches her brother’s bedroom door but then hesitates. Should she knock or will the noise awake her parents? Should she instead just open it but risk interfering with her twin’s privacy?
Just as she contemplates the questions the door suddenly opens from the inside and she stares right into her brother’s eyes. He raises a little at his eyebrows.
“Eum…” Yeji starts without really knowing what to say. She begins picking with her fingers and lowers her gaze.
“You wanna come in?” Hyunjin’s voice is soft and almost a bit worried. When Yeji raises her gaze to meet his eyes she feels the tears lurking. Cautiously she nods and he makes room for her to enter. The lightning is dull and when her brother has closed the door behind them it’s completely dark. She almost trips over something but eventually manages to find her way over to his bed. It’s cold, which means he couldn’t have spent any time in it yet. Yeji smiles for herself. Her brother has always been a night owl. How many nights hasn’t he stayed up to play games with his friends or study for an upcoming exam? It’s his prime time.
Yeji pulls her brother’s blanket over her legs and leans against the solid wall. Hyunjin crawls up beside her, sharing his body warmth under the covers. Imagine that they once used to be close like this all the time, both before they saw the light of day but also when they were younger. Nowadays, especially these last few weeks, they seem to have started walking different paths in life. Yeji laughs quietly, earning her a questioning look from her brother.
“What’s so funny?” He asks.
“Nothing.” Yeji answers earnestly and sighs. Since her brother only continues to look at her without saying anything she speaks up again. “Not much have been funny since mom’s birthday party.” Yeji feels her brother's body tense up and notices how his face becomes utterly serious and almost a bit sad. “Also, it feels like we’ve drifted apart. Did you even know about me and Ryujin?”
She turns her head and looks at her brother with slightly teary eyes. He shakes his head.
“Precisely, and when that guy Jisung came the other week and started talking about drinking alcohol, I realized just how little I know about your whereabouts as well.”
“We don’t usually drink alcohol.” Hyunjin defends himself, a bit bluntly, looking like a kid being caught red handed with the hand in the cookie jar.
“You don’t have to worry.” Yeji smiles, feeling how the thick air loses up around them. “I don’t kiss and tell.”
“I know,” Hyunjin sighs and his shoulders sink. “You’ve never ratted me out before.”
Yeji jokingly elbows her brother. “That’s because you’ve never done anything bad.”
Hyunjin sighs as Yeji laughs at him, but then he quickly becomes serious again.
“Speaking about ratting out, I’ve been thinking about the video. Who recorded it?”
Yeji’s smile dies off in a second and is replaced by a feeling of pure hate. “Shin Hanguk. I saw him with a phone outside the window of Ryujin’s mother’s house. It could have been no one else, no one else is as sick as him and would go through with an idea like that.”
Hyunjin nods seriously. “Why do you think he did it?”
“I don’t know, because he hates us? Or he hates Ryujin, because he did point her out as the wolf and me as the sheep, if you know what I mean, and I guess it worked. When mom and dad took me aside during the party they only spoke badly about Ryujin, I was spared. All the strict rules are to keep me from being effected any further, that's the only way for me to turn normal again.”
“Normal?” Hyunjin asks.
“Yes, you know, not liking girls.” Yeji sighs heavily.
“Do you really want that?”
“I must, that’s the only way to make this pain go away.”
“Are you sure?” Hyunjin stares at his sister. Why is he questioning her this much? What’s his point?
“I need this pain to go away. I can’t live with it.” Yeji says as her eyes starts to tear up again.
“But there might be other ways,” Hyunjin says. “Have you ever thought of that?”
“Of course I have, but there are no other alternatives.” Yeji snorts, feeling a fire starting to burn inside of her. Who is he to tell her what to do? Yeji has turned herself upside down with all the hours she has spent thinking of how to survive this. Yet here comes her brother and casually asks her the most basic and obvious questions.
“Are you sure?”
“Hyunjin!” Yeji exclaims with the irritation lingering right behind her thin walls called self-control. “What do you want me to answer? I have no other answer.”
“But I might have one.”
They both fall silent after the uttered words. When Yeji looks at him with a questioning face he starts speaking again.
“You mentioned Jisung earlier.”
“Yes?” Yeji encourages him to continue, wherever he wants to take this now.
“He is one of my new friends, along with this guy named Changbin.”
Yeji raises her eyebrows. She has never heard of him before. The feeling of irritation is suddenly gone and replaced by the melancholic fact that the twins have lived their lives separate from each other these past weeks. How could it turn out like this?
Yeji reaches for her brother’s hand and he looks at her in surprise. “I’m sorry,” She whispers and blinks with her eyes to keep them dry. “Continue.”
Hyunjin hesitates for a few seconds but then seems to make up his mind. “Jisung and Changbin were both at Minho’s gathering last weekend, and I kind of walked in on them.”
“What do you mean?” Yeji looks suspiciously at him, kind of getting where he’s going with this.
“You know what I mean.” Hyunjin answers a bit flustered. “They had…”
“Sex?”
Hyunjin nods. “They are in a relationship, officially, public, call it whatever but they are dating openly. Even though it took me several weeks before I understood that.”
Yeji stares at her brother with wide open eyes. Dating a person of the same gender, openly? Yeji has never known anyone that has done so ever before. Of course she has heard about relationships like that, but never has she actually had any of them even slightly close to her. She has never seen it with her own eyes.
“I just wanted to tell you that there are possibilities to continue with Ryujin.”
As Yeji hears the forbidden name being uttered her tears breaks through and slowly starts falling down her cheeks. If Hyunjin only knew how much she would want that. If he knew how much her heart is aching to have Ryujin next to her, talk with her, touch her, love her. Then he would understand how much energy and effort it takes to keep all those thoughts, emotions and urges in place. It’s all Yeji can focus on.
“Well, perhaps there are possibilities.” Yeji sobs and wipes a tear away with her right hand. “But not in this family.”
Hyunjin presses his lips together, almost as if he wants to protest but doesn’t find any words. He knows it’s true, what she just said. In this house there are only two people setting the rules, the parents, and that in every area of the inhabitants’ life, even their sexual and romantic lives. The truth is harsh, but what can Yeji do about it? What can she really do about it?