MAKE ME GO
The following day Yeji’s mother has a morning arrand in the city and decides to drive both Yeji and Hyunjin to school. When they have arrived Hyunjin exits the car first and right before Yeji is going to close her door Jiheun calls on her.
“We have a therapy session booked for you.” She says. “At three o’clock November the second.”
Yeji only nods without commenting any further. As she enters the school her thoughts are lingering around her mother’s words. The therapy session is already next week. Surprisingly enough Yeji feels relief for the first time in a long time, as if some weight is lifted of her shoulders. The session might actually help her continue walking her path in life without any burden.
In deep thoughts she walks up to her locker. There are few people passing by since their mother had dropped them off early. Hyunjin parted with Yeji already at the entrance, claiming he was going to speak to one of his friends who has his locker on the first floor. Therefore, she stands alone at her locker and rolls on the number combination to unlock it. Just when she has found the right numbers, the sound of someone clearing their throat is heard right next to her. The sudden noise makes her jump in her spot and hastily turn around. Totally unprepared she faces the person who leans against the neighboring locker. Of course, it’s the one person she has yet to face after last weekend’s event, Shin Ryujin. Her face is serious and her deep eyes are filled with sorrow. Yeji presses her lips tightly together as just the sight of Ryujin is enough to make her heart ache. All the previous events flashes before her eyes and stirs up an emotional chaos that Yeji has no preparation to handle. The tears start to find their way up to her eyes as her heart starts beating faster. This is not good, not here, not right now. Still, she has no other alternative than to try pretending everything is fine. She can’t break down now.
“You scared me.” Yeji says and turns away, opening the locker and thus hiding her face behind it. With slightly shaky hands Yeji starts arranging her stuff. If Ryujin asks as much as one question about how she is feeling she’ll burst.
“I’m sorry.” Ryujin says, still hidden behind the locker’s door. “I thought you noticed me.”
“No.” Yeji states coldly, trying to rebuild the façade that never had a solid foundation to begin with. Please Ryujin, leave.
“I think we need to talk.” She continues instead.
Yeji sighs discreetly. Talk, what could Ryujin possibly have to say? Yeji has nothing to say to her, she just wants to leave it all behind. Talking about it will only make her wounds go deeper and destroy the tiny amount of healing she has worked so hard to accomplish these last days.
“Yeji?” Ryujin makes herself heard again. This time she moves away from the door and goes up to face Yeji on the other side. Yeji turns her head away, can’t bear to look Ryujin in the eyes again. She must get her to leave. This is hurting too much, makes her too emotional. Soon she won’t be able to handle herself.
“I don’t want to talk.” She therefore spits out, turning her head slightly towards Ryujin, just enough for her to in the corner of her eye notice Ryujin’s reaction. Her eyes widen, as if she’s surprised of the harshness in Yeji’s tone.
“Why?” Ryujin’s voice is pitiful and her shoulders slopes slightly.
“We just can’t.”
“But why?”
Then Yeji slams her locker shut and presses her hand against its cold surface. She turns her head and stares at Ryujin, thus pushing her self-control to the limit. “Isn’t it enough for me just not wanting to see you anymore?”
Ryujin raises her eyebrows and stares at Yeji in chock. Yeji’s muscles tenses, preparing for a hit, a strike, a fight, but none of it comes. Instead Ryujin just presses her lips together and shakes her head. Tears fill her eyes and her eyebrows slowly tilts downwards.
“If you’re upset we can talk about it, you know.” She says with an unsteady voice.
“But what is it that you don’t understand?” Yeji sighs loudly, while trying to fight the pain scratching its long nails towards her sore insides. “I don’t want to talk to you, nor see you ever again. You were a mistake, and I have to correct it now.”
With closed eyes Yeji takes a deep breath and pulls back her hand from the locker. The pain stabs its sharp knife right into her flesh, creating a big bleeding wound. Every cell within her body starts screaming as if the doomsday laid right before them. If it only was like that, then the pain would have met its ultimate end and Yeji would be free, but no. It’s still lingering around her, whispering hateful words and pushing her further down into the dark.
As Yeji locks her locker she notices Ryujin’s tense posture. Ryujin takes a deep breath before speaking up.
“If that’s what you want, then I’ll leave you alone.” Her voice is hard as steel and cold as ice. The sudden sharpness forces Yeji to turn around and meet Ryujin’s gaze, knowing that this might be the last time she does so. Ryujin’s eyes are filled with all the oceans’ floods and all the hell’s fire at the same time. It’s like running into a thick wall of emotions, and then Yeji has only seen the surface.
In one single movement Ryujin has turned around and started marching out from the school. Yeji stares at her when she disappears behind the entrance doors. Was this the last she will ever see of Ryujin? Is she gone now, out of her life? Has she really cut the wire between them, the invisible bond?
With an increasing need for oxygen Yeji stands there, breathing and staring intensely down at the floor. The dirty tiles start to spin before her eyes. Then another sound comes from her right. A strike of Déjà vu hits her and she once again turns to her right. This time, instead of meeting Ryujin’s serious face, she stares right into Jisu’s disbelieving eyes. With her mouth slightly open and brows furrowed Jisu crosses her arms in front of Yeji.
“What the hell just happened?” Jisu stares at Yeji as if she can’t believe her eyes.
Yeji doesn’t know what to say really. She hardly knows herself, doesn’t want to think about it.
“We need to talk.” Jisu states and grabs Yeji’s wrist. She uses the same words that Ryujin uttered earlier, and this time Yeji has no power to resist them. Without any further do Jisu leads them away from their lockers. The world is still spinning around before Yeji’s eyes, and even though walking doesn’t really help the case, she is grateful that she has someone to lean on. Jisu continues walking until they stand in front of a restroom. Determined Jisu opens the door and with a firm looking face she encourages Yeji to step inside. Still with a mind blurred by emotions Yeji does as she is ordered. As soon as she has entered Jisu quickly locks the door behind her.
“Sit down.” She says and points to the closed toilet seat. Once again Yeji does as she is told, anything else is beyond her current abilities. As she sits down a silence embraces them, only making room for their breathings to fill the void. The last time Yeji was locked in a bathroom with someone was with Ryujin, then their lips had met each other’s and Yeji had gotten to feel her soft skin against hers. There had been many times like that, where they had been close, both physically and mentally. Ryujin had really understood her, but she had also turned her into this person, indirectly making her feel all this pain. Therefore it had been impossible to keep Ryujin close to her. She had to let her go.
With her arms positioned on her hips and a continuous stern looking face Jisu speaks up.
“Now, Hwang Yeji, you’re the one telling me what’s going on.” Jisu says in a firm tone. “And don’t lie to me. I’m neither blind nor deaf, I can tell there is something and that it has been going on for a while.”
Then it all bursts. Yeji can’t hold back her tears anymore. The emotional train crashes and breaks the wall keeping her actions in control. She starts wailing like a child that has been left by its parent, a dog abandoned by its owner, a lover who just lost their beloved. Jisu’s firm look and posture is quickly changed once the tears start falling. Instead she bends down to embrace Yeji in a warm and comforting hug, rocking her from side to side while mumbling calming words in her ear.
“So, so, if you tell me about what’s troubling you, then we can sort it out together.” Jisu says while holding Yeji tight. Yeji wipes her tears away and tries to take a deep breath. Perhaps she’s right, perhaps this is the time where she opens up to someone about the situation. Jisu is her best friend after all, and a best friend is someone one should be able to trust.
Yeji breathes in. “You have to promise me not to tell anyone else. “
Jisu nods seriously. “I promise.”
“Especially not my parents.”
“Of course.”
Then the words come out of her like birds fleeing for their life, impossible to stop. Jisu gets no chance to throw in any comments or questions. The rain of words is showering them both, yet Jisu stands there unbothered by the cold that follows. She can handle it, nods at the right places and looks at Yeji with just the right amount of compassion in her eyes. When Yeji finally stops Jisu inhales deeply and squats down so that her face is on a level below Yeji’s.
She lets her hand comfortingly caress Yeji’s when opening her mouth to give a response.
“Do you want to hear my honest opinion?”
Yeji nods, preparing for whatever strike that may come. It would anyways just be one of many.
“I think your parents are doing wrong. There are lots of queer people out there living a good life, being good people. One’s romantic or sexual preferences doesn’t change one’s personality. It doesn’t make you worth any less. You’re still Yeji, and they should love you for who you are.” Jisu looks Yeji in the eyes and gives her some time to process the words. Yeji just shakes her head while hiding her face in her hands. She takes a deep breath before answering.
“Ever since I met Ryujin my life has been like an emotional rollercoaster, destined to crash and burn sooner or later. Now that has happened, and I have to live with the pain it causes. Since Ryujin only reminds me of the crash it’s impossible to heal from it with her in my life. Therefore I told her to leave me alone.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you could be that poetic.” Jisu mumbles in surprise and Yeji gives her a weird look. “Sorry.” She waves with her hand in the air, immediately turning serious again. “You must have been thinking a lot about this.”
Yeji nods. “That’s the problem, it only makes me feel worse. If I manage to forget about it, then I won’t feel this bad anymore. I need to move on, go back to the Yeji I was before. Hopefully the therapy my parents have booked for me can help with that.”
“They booked you a session with a therapist?”
“I don’t know what profession the person has. All I know is that the person works with treating homosexual behaviors and thoughts.”
Jisu makes big eyes and inhales slowly before breathing out, as if to calm herself down.
“Conversion therapy, do you really believe that will work? That it’ll make your life easier?”
“It must, I have no other choice than to believe so.”
Yeji wipes away the last of her tears and throws a glance at the clock on her phone. The lesson started 10 minutes ago! Yeji raises from her seat. She’ll gladly occupy her mind with anything that is not related to this mess.
“Are you leaving?” Jisu asks, still sitting down.
“We have a lesson to attend.”
“But-“
“Thank you for listening to me.” Yeji interrupts and puts her hand on the door handle. She turns towards her friend and smiles. She knows Jisu only wants her best, but sometimes they have different ways to view the world. This time Yeji has to listen to herself, especially right now when her mind is full of the last days events. There is simply no room for any other information.