I CAN'T STOP ME
Another week passed before Yeji got the opportunity to meet Ryujin again. This time they stumbled upon each other in the line to the bathroom at school. Ryujin had given Yeji a hug that had spread a now very familiar warmth throughout Yeji’s body. During the evening they had chatted intensely. For once Ryujin answered immediately. Yeji had been thinking of a way to ask Ryujin to meet her again when a solution was served right to her face, without any effort from her side. Ryujin simply asked if Yeji wanted to join her when visiting her family in the countryside. Apparently, the rest of her closest family members live there. Ryujin referred to the earlier topic about the outdoors and Yeji's claim to not having been in a forest for years. She simply asked if Yeji would like to join her and by that have the opportunity to wander through a forest drenched in rich autumn colors. Yeji couldn’t resist the temptation to write an excited answer with lots of exclamation marks. She didn’t care if Ryujin where to find her desperate or overly needy, because it was true, and with Ryujin she feels that honesty comes naturally.
After carefully having approached her parents with the question she was allowed to go. Yeji couldn’t help but to wonder what they would have said if they knew about Yeji’s feelings. They would probably have compared the proposal with travelling to hell. One day Yeji will prove them wrong, but that day is far into the future, she is not yet ready, not in a million years.
The week slowly crawls towards Friday, departure day. With a bag in her hands Yeji stands waiting for Ryujin at the school entrance, just like she had done a few weeks prior. This time she is not surprised when Ryujin passes by a few meters away without turning towards her. She knows where Ryujin has her locker and that she must get her outwear. Instead Yeji takes time to observe her from afar, not being able to hold back a smile. How can one person, that passes by several meters away, heat up all her insides and cause emotional chaos, it’s crazy, magical and most certainly love.
“Hi, are you ready to leave?” The beam of sunshine called Ryujin approaches with a big smile over her face.
“Yea, sure, absolutely!” Yeji replies, awaken from her dreamland of thoughts by the sudden greeting. Just like last time Ryujin leads the way and Yeji comfortably follows. The bus ride takes more than an hour and Yeji understands why Ryujin mostly lives with her mother who live much closer to the school. As they make their way towards the house the landscape around them changes. Instead of being surrounded by asphalt, tall buildings and a constant noise from the traffic they are now surrounded by the nature’s whispers, open fields and widespread forests. As they get off the bus Yeji inhales the fresh scent of the environment. Yeji understands why Ryujin invited her here to spend time in the great outdoors.
“Now it’s a five-minute walk on that road.” Ryujin points in a direction to their left. “Then we’re home.”
Yeji nods and they start walking. The gravel under their feet echoes between the forest walls that throw dark shadows over them. When looking into the dense forest Yeji notices the thick tree trunks and brown soil they are growing on. As they come closer to the house the trees grow more sparse and low bushes can be seen here and there. The light also seems to find its way down to the ground, making it green and prospering. Brown farmlands replaces parts of the forests and widens the horizon. Yeji almost finds it easier to breathe when leaving the dense part behind.
“Here it is.” Ryujin says and makes a sweeping gesture with her left arm. A two-floor red wooden house meets their eyes. To the right there are some low but full trees growing, probably fruit trees of some kind.
Yeji has her gaze set on the trees as Ryujin opens the front door. When entering they are met by a crowded dim hall. The shoe rack is overfull and the same goes for the outwearhanger. Yeji is just about to take off her shoes when Ryujin stops her.
“I thought we could start with taking a walk?” With a soft smile she looks at her guest.
“Sure.” Is everything Yeji has time to say before Ryujin is already on her way out again. Yeji quickly dumps her bag on the floor, hoping that Ryujin’s family members won’t fall over it. She can’t help to smile over the constant rush Ryujin seems to be in, yet she never seems stressed. She just lives her life in a fast pace. That’s a side Yeji has only gotten to know recently. Before, when they met during the family dinners, Ryujin moved, ate and spoke in the same tempo as everyone else, which means pretty slow slower. Now, when meeting her outside of that context, Yeji has gotten to see this another side of Ryujin. It’s refreshing, so different from the usual dull tempo of her everyday homelife.
Ryujin leads the way into the forest and they follow narrow paths most probably created by animals. Yeji thanks her brain that she picked her autumn boots for today and not her usual sneakers, they would have been soaked and dirty by this.
As they walk the sun starts to set, casting a warm orange light over the autumn leaves. Color wise it’s almost like walking through a burning forest. Fortunately the only thing on fire is Yeji’s heart, and it burns only for the person walking right in front of her. The wonderful Shin Ryujin. Looking at her, hearing her voice and just being near her, is enough fuel to keep the fire alive for hours. Even thinking of her, without her presence, causes the flames to live on.
Then Ryujin suddenly stops and Yeji, lost in her thoughts as usual nowadays, walks right into her.
“Auch!” She exclaims, carefully caressing her sore nose.
“Sch!” Ryujin hushes and slowly lifts her arm. “Do you see it?” She points with her index finger at a shadowy creature. Yeji freezes where she stands. What is that thing? The creature shadows itself as the sun is right behind it, which makes it impossible to get a proper look of it. It stands tall on four legs with a powerful upper body. Instinctively Yeji grabs a hold of Ryujin’s arm.
“What is that?” She whispers when leaning closer. With a soft voice Ryujin answers. “I think it’s an elk.”
“Aren’t those dangerous?”
Ryujin turns her head towards her friend and gives a comforting smile. “Not unless you make them angry.”
“Well, are we?”
“No, but we should probably not move any closer.”
Yeji inhales loudly. “Will it attack us then?”
“It’s more likely to run away, especially now when it’s all by itself and has no calf.”
No matter what words uttered from Ryujin the tension still remains in Yeji. Ryujin must notice that because she starts to softly caress Yeji’s arm.
“Come, I think is time to head back.” Ryujin says and grabs a hold of Yeji’s hand. Yeji only nods as they leave the place, but not the same way as they came from. Instead they go left and follow a steep mountain cliff. It gives shelter from the raising winds. Yeji wonders if her tension has wandered over to Ryujin, as her face has changed, looking more troubled than before.
“Is there something wrong?” Yeji asks cautiously, prepared for an unwanted answer of any kind.
“Depends on how you see it,” Ryujin starts and looks up at the sky. “The winds are getting stronger and the sky is completely gray.”
“Yes?”
“It’ll probably start raining soon.”
“How soon?” A troubled wrinkle spreads across Yeji’s forehead.
Ryujin only shrugs. “I don’t know, but we better hurry to get home.”
“Well okay then!” Yeji hears herself exclaim, almost excitedly, which earns her a questioning look from her guide. To be honest Yeji doesn’t really know what’s going on either. It’s like when the tension disappeared a bunch of hormones and energy boosts started running wild inside of her. Holding Ryujin’s hand doesn’t exactly make the effects less apparent either, it rather cheers them on.
As they walk the sky darkens and the wind gets stronger. It grabs a hold of Yeji’s high ponytail and she forces it down inside the hood of her jacket to keep it still. Ryujin doesn’t let go of Yeji’s hand until the first rain drops can be heard against the autumn leaves above them.
“Shit.” Ryujin mutters and holds out both her hands. “We still have half the way left.”
Yeji looks up to the tree tops. The raindrops find a way down to the ground and hits Yeji on their way down.
“Should we hurry up?” Yeji asks as Ryujin turns towards her.
“No, the rain seems to intensify already. It will probably not last for too long. I know a place where we can take shelter while waiting.”
“Where?”
“I’ll show you.” With those words Ryujin once again takes Yeji’s hand and starts jogging through the low bushes. She is clearly going to take a short cut since they are leaving the path behind. At one time Yeji almost falls over due to a surface leveled tree root. Fortunately Ryujin is there to lean on which prevents her from ending up on the wet and moody ground.
“Finally, we are almost there.” Ryujin says, almost as if talking to herself. She leads them in to a forest road so sparsely used that the gravel underneath is barely noticeable. When looking ahead Yeji sees an old building with an exterior that no one could have worked on for at least two decades, and that’s more than Yeji’s whole life. The rain is now pouring down with such intensity that it echoes through the forest and nearest fields. Ryujin mutters for herself when leading them close to the building. They leave the forests protective bodies and are now fully exposed to the force of nature. The rain hits them like a whip in their faces and Yeji has to cover her eyes with her hands to be able to see anything at all. All Yeji can do now is trust in Ryujin’s competence and hope that she can lead them into safety.
They reach a wooden door that probably used to be blue but now only has fragments of its former color. Ryujin turns the wooden lock and opens the door. She hurries inside. Yeji quickly follows and closes the door after them to keep the rain out. When closing the door the last bit of daylight also disappears and leaves the two friends in complete darkness. The loud noise of the rain lowers when inside the building. Instead the most apparent sound is replaced by Yeji’s own breathing. Yeji can just about make out her hand in front of her and doesn’t dare to take another step over the floor. There might be just anything here and Yeji is not up for falling free in complete darkness.
“Ryujin?” She says while doing her best to adapt to the new dull lightning.
“I’m here.” Her voice comes from the right and Yeji turns towards it and sighs heavily.
“God, I’m so wet.” Yeji complains and draws with her hand over her soggy face. A laughter can be heard from inside the dark.
“What’s so funny? One can be sick by being too cold.” She hears steps approaching and suddenly Ryujin stands right in front of her.
“I don’t know how innocent you are but,” Ryujin hesitates. “Ach, it's nothing.”
With the adrenaline from sprinting through the forest still running through her blood Yeji wrinkles her forehead. “No, tell me.”
Ryujin seems to be staring at her, even though it’s hard to really make out her facials in this light. “You know, you can be wet in plenty of different ways, for several reasons.”
Then it hits Yeji. Of course, how could she be so stupid? Why did she insist on knowing? She didn’t even find it important to begin with, she only pushed her because she could and for the moment had the bravery in her.
“I can tell you are uncomfortable.” Ryujin continues. “I won’t speak of it anymore.”
Yeji watches Ryujin turn her head away. The bravery within her still runs wild. If she wants to get answers to the things she been wondering it's now or never.
“Speaking of ways to get wet,” Yeji continues and feels the heat of embarrassment come over her. This introduction to the new topic didn’t go as she planned. Ryujin looks like she is about to laugh once again. Can she really ask the question? Or is it just considered weird? Because Yeji doesn’t want it to be awkward between them.
“Have you ever been intimate with someone?” Yeji thanks fate that they are surrounded by complete darkness, otherwise she would probably have wanted to sink through the ground and disappear even more than she does now.
“I have.” Ryujin answers seriously.
“With many?”
“Depends on how you define many.”
Yeji nods even though she’s unsure if Ryujin can even see it. “Just to be clear,” Ryujin continues. “Does intimate equal sex for you?”
“Yes.” Yeji’s answer can barely be heard over the loud noise coming from the rain outside.
Ryujin sighs. “Can I be totally honest with you?”
Yeji nods once again and lowers her head. “Yea, sure.”
“I have some prejudice about you, based on my experiences with Hanguk’s family. If you are anything like them you probably think one should only be intimate with one’s partner. Is that true?”
“I guess so.”
“And I’m not like that.” Ryujin answers in a serious tone while looking for an opportunity to meet Yeji’s wandering eyes. “For me sex is supposed to be fun and give pleasure. With whom one does it doesn’t matter to me, as long as it’s consensual of course.” Ryujin smiles and laughs quietly. She seems to have no problem talking about the topic, just like Yeji’s friend Jisu. Still there is something different about their approach. Even though Ryujin just laughed she didn’t make fun of it, like Jisu tends to do. The discreet laughter was more a way to show how easy she is on the topic, how natural she finds it. Yeji wishes she could feel the same. However, the adrenaline in her blood is still running warm and it makes her just brave enough to participate in the conversation, brave enough to ask what she really wanted to know before.
“Do you like girls?” Yeji asks straight out with her heart beating so fast that it physically hurts inside her chest. A sudden dizziness comes over her and she has to grab a hold of something to stabilize herself. Desperately she reaches out into the darkness and takes an unsteady step forward. Her hands accidentally collide with Ryujin’s upper body and finds a stable grip on her right shoulder. They suddenly stand very close, close enough for Yeji to hear Ryujin’s heavy breathing and feel her warm breath against her skin. She notices how Ryujin stares at her and Yeji slowly meets her penetrating gaze. The electric waves takes over her once again and this time she can’t handle herself. She leans forward and lets her lips meet Ryujin’s. It’s like a lightning bolt hits them, releasing all the tension that Yeji has built up during these past weeks. A heat storm comes rushing over her and wipes her mind blank from thoughts. All there is now is Ryujin’s soft and slightly wet lips towards hers. Yeji lets her hand run up over Ryujin’s arm, towards her neck to finally find a secure place under her chin. Ryujin answers by laying both her hands around Yeji’s waist and draws her closer. Their soggy jackets are pressed against each other and creates an unpleasant sound. However, that is nothing Yeji takes any notice of. All her focus is set on Ryujin and not even a raging thunderstorm could break that.
She moans slightly as she inhales deeply. Ryujin’s hands wander down her back and finds it’s way to the back pockets of Yeji’s slim pants. She presses Yeji even closer to herself and Yeji pants slightly at the sudden movement. She can feel Ryujin smile as her lips stretches out. It’s then Yeji wakes up from her fairy tale dream. Her body immediately tenses. What is she doing? Did she just kiss Ryujin out of nowhere? Forcefully throwing herself over her friend? It’s so unlike herself, yet it actually happened.
She lets go of Ryujin and takes a step back into the dark. The sound of her own irregular breathing fills her ears. Oh dear what has she done? Her parents are going to murder her with their eyes and bury her with their words if they find out.
“Yeji.” Ryujin’s calm voice breaks through the thick wall of panicking thoughts covering Yeji’s eyes and ears. “Breath.” She grasps Yeji’s cold hands and takes a demonstrating deep breath. Yeji copies her. She knows what she has to do, it’s just hard to keep focusing on the task.
As they breath in unison Ryujin locks eyes with Yeji who gets a glimpse of all the warmth and strength that Ryujin is carrying inside, its overwhelmingly comfortable. It tames the raging thoughts inside Yeji’s head and keeps them under control. It also touches her heart and lures the tears out. One by one they start falling.
“It’s okay,” Ryujin says when leaning forward to embrace Yeji’s shaking body. She strokes over Yeji's head as the waterfall of tears opens. Yeji wishes she could stop it, wishes she could grab a hold of herself, as her parents should have said. However she can’t. These tears are the result of months, perhaps even years of locked in emotions, feelings she has never been allowed to have and definitely not show. Now it’s coming over her, takes over her, and it’s unstoppable.
Ryujin continues to comfortingly pat Yeji’s head while letting Yeji cry on her shoulder. The tears slowly come to an end and stop falling. As the sound of sobbing disappears it comes more apparent that the rain outside has stopped. Yeji takes a step away from Ryujin and stands completely still in the dark, listening carefully. Indeed the whether is much better now, but for how long have they been standing here? How much is the clock? How dark is it outside? Will they even find their way home?
“We should probably head back.” Yeji says with a slightly worried tone.
“Sure.” Ryujin answers and turns towards the door. As they step out onto the old road Yeji inhales deeply. A fresh smell of the forest and clenced air hits her. She feels much lighter now. Shedding those tears was much needed.
She glances over at Ryujin. Her blond hair is wet from the rain and lays flat around her face. Yeji probably looks the same and she smiles at the thought. She is happy that Ryujin is such an understanding person that doesn’t judge. It gives room for Yeji to grow, something that she never really have had before. If she only could tell Ryujin how much she appreciates her. She really wants to, but needs some time to gain the courage to wholeheartedly express her feelings. So Ryujin, please wait, it will come, just be patient.