STUCK IN MY HEAD
“One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight.” The dance teacher counts as she instructs the group of how to dance the following eight beats. She swiftly moves her body and uses extra power only when needed to create an effect. The students all have their eyes on her. After showing it a couple of times it’s time for the students to follow along. She counts the four first beats and makes sure her students understand them before continuing to count to eight. The time flies by without Yeji having thought of anything else than dance, and that is pretty rare these days. Ever since the evening in the car Yeji’s mind has been set on one thing only, Shin Ryujin. That was over two weeks ago now. Too bad she hasn’t been able to meet Ryujin face to face again. On the other hand, they have texted each other over the phone. Ryujin seem to be quite busy though, as she answers first after several hours. However, when the answer comes it melts Yeji’s heart, always being thoughtful and well written. Ryujin seems curious because she keeps asking Yeji different questions. Yeji does her best to answer truthfully, while still remaining interesting. She doesn’t want Ryujin to think that she's a boring person, or someone without any opinions. It’s just that sometimes it’s hard for her to reveal her true self. Especially since her true self doesn’t match with the expectations and prejudice she faces. However, as the conversation with Ryujin progresses, Yeji feels more and more comfortable with speaking her mind. Ryujin has opened her heart and exposed a sensitive part of her, perhaps Yeji should do the same? Yeji has been wanting to tell Ryujin about her secret, that she likes girls. Because the secret is a heavy burden. Walking around with it slowly makes every step much more burdensome. She has to let someone know, and for some reason it feels like Ryujin would be a good secret keeper, perhaps she would even understand it. Because even though Ryujin has dated a guy there is something about her aura, the way she moves and especially her gaze that tells Yeji there are other openings as well. Ryujin has never mentioned anything about being queer, which is not weird since she knows very well what kind of opinions Yeji has grown up with. If Yeji was Ryujin she wouldn’t have said anything either. Still, Yeji remembers reading Ryujin’s tweet, where she said that people would stop asking her if she has a boyfriend and thus assuming she is straight. Why would she write that if it didn’t affect her personally? Perhaps if Yeji tells Ryujin about her sexuality, will Ryujin then tell hers? At least Yeji will have a legitimate reason to ask, since the topic is already brought up and Yeji has confessed her own. But even if Ryujin would like girls, there is no guarantee that she would like Yeji back. No one has even been in love with Yeji before, at least not from her knowledge. She doesn’t know how people react around someone they’re in love with. She can only look at herself, and Ryujin is not acting in the same nervous manner, that’s for sure. She seems much calmer and more confident, something that Yeji both admires and envies. However, if Yeji was to think logical, people who like each other tend to spend a lot of time together, and Ryujin did kind of invite herself over to cook a few weeks ago. She also initiated the studying session. At the same time Ryujin is usually pretty slow at answering text messages, but on the other hand she always sends long and nuanced answers, as if she’s taking of her time to give a proper answer. That must indicate that she must like Yeji somehow, why would she otherwise spend all this time on texting with her? She could just have answers short and without any follow up questions, but she doesn’t. Isn’t that a good sign? Yeji could go on like this forever. Only the dance practice gives her brain a break from these thoughts, there she can enter another world and refill her mental energy.
As the class end they all gather in the locker room. Yeji is among those who stay to shower, the same goes for Chaeryeong. They both finish in the same time and walk together to the bus stop. The autumn evening is dark and the cold wind is blowing. Yeji does her best to keep warm by hiding her face behind her scarf. As they reach the bus stop a sound is heard from Yeji’s phone. Immediately Yeji grabs it and puts her face close to the lit screen. It’s a textmessage from Ryujin. She ads to their latest conversation about the outdoors, which Yeji replied to earlier this morning.
“What are you doing?” Chaeryeong says and breaks that magic spell that caused Yeji to completely shut out everything but the text.
“What?” Yeji stares in confusion at her friend.
“You phone was so close to your face one could have thought you needed glasses.”
“I don’t.” Yeji replies while glancing at the message again, slowly distancing herself to reality. What should she answer? Or rather, how should she answer. Should she go for a funny answer or stay in the serious lane?
“Yeji, you are disappearing again.” Chaeryeong says and looks at her friend with a worried face. “Is something wrong?”
“No, everything is totally fine!” Yeji hurries. She can feel her face heat up from the inside. Thankfully, the scarf is there to hide most of it. Perhaps she should answer Ryujin when she's on the bus instead? It's not nice to let Chaeryeong just stand there, not knowing what’s going on. One day Yeji might tell her, one day in the future, when she is ready to open up. If she ever comes to that point that is.
Chaeryeong gives Yeji a weird look and slowly takes a few steps closer. She leans near to peek at Yeji’s lit screen.
“Oh,” She starts. “You are texting someone.”
Yeji forces a smile over her face, which probably can’t be seen due to the big scarf. “Yup.” The screen goes dark and Yeji puts the phone back in her jacket pocket as her heart starts beating faster. A smile slowly spreads over Chaeryeong’s lips.
“Is this the reason you have been so absentminded lately?” Chaeryeong raises her eyebrows teasingly.
“What do you mean?”
Chaeryeong laughs. “Why do you keep pretending to be so clueless? It was the same when the boys came to perform a while ago. You ask questions that you must already have an answer to.”
Yeji wrinkles her forehead. “I seriously have no idea of what you are talking about. You speak in riddles.”
“Just forget it.” Chaeryeong waves with her hand in front of her. “I’ll draw my own conclusions.”
Just as those words are uttered the bus stops beside them and Chaeryeong bids goodbye. Yeji stares into the night as the buss disappears along the street. Chaeryeong can really be mysterious sometimes, talking vaguely about stuff. What did she imply this time? Something about Yeji knowing why she had been so absentminded. Had she really been like that? Sure, her thoughts keep going off track almost constantly, but she thought it was barely noticeable, thought she hid it well. Apparently not. Does this mean Chaeryeong knows about Yeji’s feelings? No, that’s impossible. She hasn’t uttered a word about Ryujin to anyone in her dance group, and hardly anyone else either. She can’t let anyone know, has to stop the image of Ryujin to keep appearing in her mind and stop acting weird whenever something related to her is brought up. Yeji has to be more discreet. Because what if her parents find out? They would probably freak out and send her to some facility where they treat homosexuality.
Yeji snorts at the thought. Treat homosexuality. Her parents are convinced that’s how it works, but is it really true? Yeji has hardly met any homosexual people, so does that mean they are successfully cured? Does it mean that Yeji’s feelings towards Ryujin are wrong? That they can be treated and disappear, turn into a platonic love only? Would Yeji really want that? Because just thinking about Ryujin makes Yeji weak at her knees, like falling from a high only to land in a soft summery field of flowers. It makes her warm on the inside and awakens parts of her that has been in an eternal slumber until now. Does she really want all of this to be taken away from her? The answer is simple, and as she gets on the bus home she has made up her mind.