Lockhart. Just... Lockhart.
I wore my lab coat after the first and only night I'm willing to sleep in my dorms – the door was locked so no firsties wander around the first night in the castle. The Gray Lady told me that after I tried to get out more violently.
I wore it under my robes because I wanted to try out new runes sewn into it that made it possible to stuff almost everything in them (and everything after shrinking charm). Books, cauldron, notebooks, pens, vials, and many more. The only thing I wasn't sure about was the longevity of the spell – after all these runes are meant for sturdier or magically woven fabrics/materials.
The Great Hall was empty, not even teachers were willing to wake up at such an ungodly hour in the morning. School elves thankfully had no problem with morning birds like myself so soon after sitting at the Gryffindor table I had my steaming cup of Earl Grey and stack of pancakes covered in chocolate syrup. McGonagall was the first who entered the Hall and sat opposite me. „Good morning, Henry. Do you have your homework with you?“
Without even stopping eating I summoned it from my deeeeeep pocket and gave the disgusting coffee drinker my summer work. „Do I have a lesson today with you?“
„Yes, the first period. The second will be with professor Lockhart.“ That reminds me that Hermione owes me a skirt. „Here, I took one Ravenclaw timetable for you in the teachers' lounge.“ At least I have no need to meet Flitwick. Every win counts.
„Why do you people love history as the first thing in the morning? That's... inhuman.“ Wednesdays are officially the worst – at least for this year.
„Says the student with hundred percent score,“ her eyebrow rose high above her smart glasses. „Which reminds me – congratulation. If you were nicer, you would get a prefect badge in your fifth year.“
„Yeah, I can totally see fucking Flitwick pinning it to my chest.“ I rolled my eyes. „He would try to kill me with it or at least hurt me. I have a simple question – who forgot to give Dumbles his meds?“
„...what?“
„He hired a man who writes FICTION. Not even a good one, he writes about magic like someone who knows only basics! I bet my siblings could write about it better only after me talking about it here and there. Man can't just wrestle werewolf – maybe Hagrid, but I doubt he's fully human. And I'm not even salty about the skirt – I would wear it for the rest of my life If we had a decent teacher and not some fucking fucker!“
She looked confused. „I agree that professor Lockhart is not the best, but he was the only teacher available this year.“
„Fucking hell...“
„And just to satiate my curiosity... skirt?“
„I made a bet with Hermione – I believed that the blond idiot couldn't possibly be a teacher material.“
„He might surprise you?“
„Are you asking me?“ I growled because her small smile was almost cruel.
„So, Henry, when do you have free time for two ladies?“
„Say time, I have no plans. I bet Snape can manage to move my detentions around so it works,“ I waved my hand. Not that I got any. Yet.
„Try to persuade him to join us if there is no wiggle-room. Severus has good taste in books. Little darker than most, which I appreciate.“
„Obviously, you like MY taste.“
***
Ravens and Hufflepuffs had DADA before lunch on Mondays, Griffins and Slytherins after. Herbology before that was easy and relaxing, Sprout was talking about Mandrakes and how they are used in potions, how to take care of them and the gardener if he's knocked out or worse – near dead (you can't take care of dead person). How I wished I was that stupid gardener because that would mean missing the Dreaded class.
I sat alone in the back, hidden behind the bright-haired duo of Hufflepuffs that were chatting with me about the horrible books. At least they were better than everyone in Ravenclaw – how can they call themselves house of smart and cunning if they can't see whats almost literally written in front of them?
After everyone was seated Lockart cleared his throat and picked up a random book from the unfortunate soul that ended in the front (worse – they looked happy to be near him). „Me,“ he pointed at his winking portrait on it and mirrored the action with a blinding smile. „Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award — but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!” That cracked me up, but I was the only person in the class. I can believe that I feel my brain leaving through my ears! But my laugh made him smile more, so I tried to hide behind Susan and Hannah. “I see you’ve all bought a complete set of my books — well done. I thought we’d start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about — just to check how well you’ve read them, how much you’ve taken in —” He handed out the papers and returned to his desk (I looked down, not willing to suffer again when he put the test on my desk slowly). „You have thirty minutes — start — now!”
- What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s favourite colour?
- What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s secret ambition?
- What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart’s greatest achievement
to date?
I turned it around in horror. And then looked at the second paper, containing the last question:
- When is Gilderoy Lockhart’s birthday, and what would his ideal
gift be?
I was too proud to do badly on a test, even though it was this degrading. Unfortunately, my mind can't be erased so I knew ALL THE ANSWERS. So I did it – muttering: „Fuck, fuck me, fuck my brains out through my ear so I can forget this fucking moment and all those horrible fucking books that should be fucking burned or dissolved in highly potent acid and then the sludge should be burned, ashes thrown into the fucking Atlantic and everyone should get the fucking Oblivate – it would me mercy to anyone with even a smidge of a fucking brain to forget those fucking books-“ I heard giggles from Hannah and Susan but I ignored them and continued for the whole test and then put my forehead on my folded arms on the desk and bemoaned my future in soft hisses.
After half an hour later, the motherfucker collected his torture and went through them right in front of the class. „Tut, tut — hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully — I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples — though I wouldn’t say no to a large bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky!” He winked in my general direction. I want to puke. Retching sounds left my throat because I answered everything. To be precise, I could have cited his own words how well I filled it out. „... but Mr Bundy knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good boy!“ More retching, but he ignored me. „In fact – full marks! That is you, am I right?“ He came to my desk, smiling like a shark that smelled blood. I nodded. „Excellent! Quite excellent! Twenty points to Ravenclaw!“ He tried to ruffle my hair but I stopped him by blocking it with his own book. He took it in stride. „Well – to business –“
He pulled out a decently sized cage covered by a baby blue cover thrown over it. „Now — be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm.”
The only not-calm person in the class was me – because I was red with rage that he tried to touch me.
„I must ask you not to scream. It might provoke them.” Is he aware he's not part of a circus? Then he pulled the cover off. „Yes,” he said dramatically. “Freshly caught Cornish pixies.”
I could only stare, but some snickered – nobody could mistake that for a sound of terror. „These are not dangerous creatures, are they, professor?“
„Of course they are! Devilish tricky little blighters they can be! Let’s see what you make of them!” And he opened the cage. The pixies shot in every direction, bringing havoc into the usually calm class of Hufflepufs and Ravenclaws. Two of them took Neville by the ears and lifted him up, some escaped through the window, started tearing books and parchment, threw sharp quills like darts, threw bags and books out of the broken window – thankfully I had everything in my lab coat and the only thing I had out was my pen which I used as a sword when one of those little fuckers tried to steal it from me. After endangering the creature's sight with the inky tip, they left me alone – before a new one tried to tug me up to the sealing.
„Come on now — round them up, round them up, they’re only pixies,” Lockhart shouted when I got free after killing the creature with my ‚accidental‘ magic. Nobody noticed. „Peskipiksi Pesternomi!” It did nothing – as I expected from someone as incompetent as that idiot. The creatures even stole his wand and got rid of it – the teacher got under his desk with a scared expression. I would love if he jumped out of the window, following his useless wand.
When the bell rang, everyone rushed out of the class – I was unfortunate enough that I was the last who tried to leave. I hate getting pushed in crowds so it seemed better to wait for a second or two. „Henry, nip the rest of them into their cage!“ He rushed past me and shut the door with too much strength. I could only stare with mouth wide open before I turned around and – „Diffindo! Diffindo! Diffindo!“ I hissed angrily, cutting those creatures in half. Sometimes more than one were hit which made it quicker. I left, steaming in my anger and a bloody scene behind me.
***
„The boy is dangerous to those around him!“ Flitwick argued with Dumbledore who was smiling at him kidly.
„Henry obviously knew no spell that would get them back into the cage-“
„He made a new spell even before he finished his first week in this school – he could figure it out! You should not defend a murderer!“
„They were just pixies, Filius,“ Minerva rolled her eyes.
„Have you heard the rumours that Lockhart thinks Henry is in love with him?“ Sprout asked, almost killing Snape who was drinking his tea. She tried to help him by patting his back but only got glared at. Ungrateful bastard. „Young Henry laughed as the only one at his joke, got a perfect score and then went red when he praised him in front of the class!“
„I bet he was just angry,“ Minerva quirked her eyebrow. „And he gives perfect homework and test to Bins, so I doubt he would treat Lockhart differently.“
„We were talking about his cruelty and in my opinion psychopathy – how did it turn into another round of gossiping and praising?“ Nobody ever understood why the usually cheery professor turned into little Severus when Bundy-Potter was mentioned.
„He's a little cruel – I bet even he would say that and never hid his love for gore - it's no surprise to me. But as long as he keeps it to himself and some pest I see no problem. He even has a new pet raven and takes care of it – that should make it obvious he's not as bad as you believe he is,“ stepped Severus into the discussion sharply, throwing mental daggers at Filius. „That said, I want to make a bet that Lockhart will lose his delusion before Halloween.“
„I say before the end of the week!“ Pomona threw her own idea out with a wide smile.
„I think he will last longer. Maybe until Christmas,“ said Minerva, trusting Gilderoy's stupidity.
„I say until Valentine,“ grinned Dumbledore. Some people went pale with that though – ugh. Nobody can be that stupid... right?
***
The next class was even worse than the first – yes, not even I can believe it. He had not brought creatures to the class after the debacle with pixies, but he started to talk about his books, read parts of it, and the worst part – he wanted to reenact them. And my luck had it that he picked me to do it.
The fact that I was wearing a skirt made it even worse because it moved from the original idea that I would play some simple Transylvian villager who he ‚cured‘ from the Babbling Curse, he turned it into one of his many paragraphs where he saved pretty ladies from danger.
I kicked him in the nuts when he tried to touch me and stormed off.
Twins tried to lighten up my mood by pranking the man with colour-changing shampoos but the human peacock managed to look proud with a pastel pink hair on his disgusting mug. After that, we organised a small birthday party for Hermione, not even three weeks after the beginning of my personal torture. I gave her a book about more creative runes from Borgin and Burkes (not that I would tell her). Twins made for her some prank-biscuits so if she ever needed, she would have the possibility. Mum sent us a small cake that we split into four pieces and ate it, then we laid in our room, high on sugar but with stomachs too full to move.
They were not the only one who tried to put me into the better mood – Minerva (call me by my name in private or with friends around) and Poppy (who reminded me of my mother) invited me at least once a week for a cup of good tea and conversations about subjects filled with morbidity, dark humour and gore. Poppy also talked about her medical practise and that if I wanted, I could help after Quidditch plays, to practise my healing skills (of course I said yes!).
At the beginning of October, I was pushed into inviting Snape to our weekly meeting – I was instructed to use puppy-eyes and try at least twice before giving up – and to my shock, it worked. On the first try. He was happy to talk about books, but most times we planned how to get rid of Lockhart without anyone suspecting us. For some reason, Minerva was trying to calm us down even though she hated him as much as any reasonable person.
The next time I was pushed into acting, I was meant to play a vampire so I bit Lockhart hard enough to draw blood. But he only smiled and tried to feed me rabbit food. Despite that, this time he gave me detention. Minerva and Snape tried to take it from him, they said I'm a little difficult to deal with one on one and they would willingly take that burden on their shoulders – he resisted and put his foot down. I had a detention with him in the end and wanted to cry.
„Hello Henry,“ he smiled and winked at me when I arrived. „I wanted to talk with you about your behaviour. Are you aware that a celebrity like you should act differently?“ A what? „Celebrities are like the aristocracy of the modern age - not arrogant, of course not, but should kind of above things. And kind, very kind and understanding. Not violent and rude – and language, that should be like buttery poetry flowing from your lips!“
„What the fuck are you talking about?“
„About your fame, of course! I have no idea why you keep it secret, it is an honour to be the Boy-Who-Lived!“ I could only stare at him. What the fuck. „I can teach you the ropes because I myself am quite popular – you might have noticed!“ He put his disgusting paw on my shoulder, smiling painfully wide. I could hear my blood and magic roaring in anger. „You might need some cosmetic changes, but you might make a pretty little hero-“ he pushed my bangs back so my forehead was showing and then flew back. I was seething.
„Don't touch me, I'm not sssome toy to fondle!“ I started to hiss out, like any time I get really angry.
„See? These things have to change – uncontrolled magic in your age is fully unacceptable! I can you everything I know –“ he tried to touch me again, but this time I was faster and ran out of his class and hid in a secret passage few turns from his office, breathing heavily through my palm, trying to be silent. After a while, I calmed down but could still hear a silent voice hissing: „Rip...tear...kill...want to kill...“