Mad Apothecarist

I was happy to escape my home and even happier to finally see the car of my (recent) dreams. I really want to see how turning invisible works – Arthur owled me books about invisible cloaks but none of it seems believable because my cloak is as strong as a new one and I can't find a single rune on the silvery fabric. And I looked with my best magnifying glass.

The Burow was a structurally unsound building leaning to one side – which one depended on the direction of the wind currents. Only magic could hold it up and I don't doubt that runes and magical barriers run through the whole building. I wonder, who made this architectural abomination? Arthur, his or Molly's family?

Before I could even put my bag down, I was whisked into a game of Quidditch. Ginevra Weasley almost killed me with her perfect aim for my poor little head – I know why I hate sports. The only thing that made me at least slightly happy was the fact that Hermione was even worse. At least I am a decent flyer.

„You could make a good Seeker,“ Ginevra grinned at me – so similar to twins I didn't have the tendency to sneer right after her insult. „You are quite tall, but you still manage to be quick and agile.“

„I don't do sports.“

„I want to be part of the team, do you think I could do it?“ she ignored my biting words and hopped over my leg that tried to trip her. Obviously used to twins. Fucking hell. „Charlie says I'm good, but he's my brother – of course, he thinks so!“

„Wasn't he a captain?“

„Yes, why?“

„So he knows, you stupid bitch. He saw many horrible players.“

„If you say so, dick-head.“

„No, I am an asshole,“ I corrected the younger girl and managed to finally trip her. Although the nice feeling of sadistic happiness was cut short by her laughter. „Fuck you. I hoped you would cry.“

„Says the person who sleeps in Ron's room.“

I swear I almost fainted in rage.

***

Kill or not to kill? That is the question...

„Move aside.“

„Wh-“

„I said move aside or George shall lose a brother.“

„I wondered when you'd show up,“ Fred mumbled and raised his duvet.

„I'm not sleeping with you. You would use me as a personal teddy bear – AGAIN.“

„Not my fault you are surprisingly cuddly. Where else would you like to sleep? I know your last sleep-session was two days back if you stuck to your usual schedule so you won't live through the night without falling asleep. And you yourself said to move aside.“

„Aside – meaning onto the ground or into the other bed.“ Even though I was bitching, I already kicked off slippers that were lent to me. He expected that and never stopped holding the dull red blanket up until I fell next to him, my back facing him. „If I wake up before you and something is laying on me, I will bite.“

„I know. I still have scabs.“

The next day I tasted blood first thing in the morning – Fred only hissed into my ear, which is an improvement on his side. After a big breakfast Mrs Weasly forced us into de-gnoming her garden - shouldn't she be capable enough to do that herself? Twins were throwing them over the fence, but I could see them coming back. Hermione was as loud as I for once and asked for some type of insecticide – Molly gave us one but it worked as much as calming exercises that my kindergarten teacher tried to teach me. So I pulled out my switchblade and started to cut their throats. Twins were indifferent, Hermione looked away but managed to acknowledge that this method is the only we have on our hands. Ginevra was the only one who helped me, the trio of softies only brought our victims.

It's not like they actually bled blood filled with haemoglobin – it was green, surely packed with chlorophyll. I took samples for further research – blood and tissue. Thankfully I always have a vial or ten in my pockets. 

***

I felt like I died at that moment, there was ash all over me and most importantly in my nose and on my glasses. I couldn't see shit so I took them down and attempted to clean them. Meanwhile, I squinted into the dark room. I could see movement so I went there. „Hi. Where am I?“

„You came here through the chimney?“

„Only through a fireplace.“ I tried to look through my glasses but I saw only a grey smudge. The man moved his arm and finally, I could see. „Thanks. I wanted to go to Diagon Alley, but ash went straight up my nose and fucked it up.“

„Obviously, young man. You are in Knockturn Alley.“

„Yes!“ My excitement made me cackle with a truly excited laugh that my siblings call ‚mad scientist laugh‘. I have no idea why I think its decently normal – twins laugh similarly if they are happy about an experiment. „What do you sell?“ I turned my head as far as it would go in both directions but keeping him in the corner of my sight. Dangerous might be interesting but I like myself enough to pay at least some attention to adults with wands.

„Anything, really. Cursed items, trinkets and such.“

„Do you sell books?“

„Aren't you little young for that?“ he rested his elbow on the counter and put his big head on tattooed knuckles. That looks cool, but the scar across his eye is even more badass. I only raised my eyebrow and waited. After a staring contest, he finally gave up and showed me a relatively small bookshelf that was stuffed to the brim and beyond. „What are you interested in?“

„Mostly potions and medical stuff, but I don't shy away from any knowledge available.“

„Aspiring medic in one of the darkest shops in the wizarding world? You have balls of steel.“

„I believe that as long as you have balls, they are material-wise similar to mine. And any knowledge is good, only how you use it determines if it's good or evil – that and I never got why wizards categorise spells into groups, I can find at least two first-year spells that can kill a human, and I'm not even talking about potions. Wingardium Leviosa is the most obvious one, as long as you can pick up something heavy with your magic you can kill people. Then there is Petrificus Totalus – curse someone in the water and they are fucked with capital F. And the things you can make with the potion kit for first years! I managed to create a strong acid that melted through my cauldron and damaged my carpet. Again. I should really find something more sturdy, shouldn't I?“

„I think I have a book for you – I knew a young man with similar ideals and he adored it. It's more about the magic theory from before there was dark and light magic. And here is a book with pretty old but powerful healing spells and potions.“

That surprised me, but who am I to say no to books so willingly given? „How much?“

„Twenty galleons for each.“ Four times pricier than normal first-hand coursebook, although I guess these are not as widely available as those. Anyhow, I paid with a smile.

„I might not be capable of getting here before school, is there a way to get books any other way? Like through post?“

„You can send me a letter, to Caractactus Burke, the shop's called Borgin and Burkes. And you are?“

„Henry Bundy. No shop name.“ The black-haired male rolled his eyes.

„How old are you, young man?“

„Twelve. Is there a policy that you can't sell minors stuff through the post? Dad can handle the correspondence if that's the problem.“

„No, just curious. Put your hood up before entering the street, go left and try to get out as soon as possible. You are far too young to take care of yourself.“

„If you say so.“ I took it with a grain of salt (he never saw me with dangerous objects that go boom) but did as he asked me to do and got out of Knockturn Alley in few minutes. Hermione tried to kill me in a hug when she ran into me, eyes dangerously wet.

„Where have you been!“ she screeched.

„I ended up in some shop in Knockturn – the owner was nice enough not to gut me and even showed me where to go.“ The sarcasm was laid as thick as snow around Hogwarts in winter but she managed to miss that part and started to go hysterical about my lack of self-preservation and dumb luck. The only dumb thing about me is my only female friend.

„Where did you end, little raven?“ George hugged me around my shoulders so I stepped on his foot and went straight.

„Are we going to the bookshop first?“

„Yes, we have all our potion ingredients from our personal shopping through the year and you are the only one who needs new robes. So books are the only thing we need to buy.“

„Don't even talk to me about clothes shopping, my mother PROMISED me that she will torture me with that next week.“

„Your jeans were too short in April, what did you expect? And now your t-shirts show your lower back when you move your arms.“

„Thank you, perv.“

„I have eyes, there is nothing wrong with that Henry!“

„Why is there a line?“

„Gilderoy Lockhart is signing his books - Mum is waiting in it.“

„Isn't he an author of our new coursebooks for DADA?“

„Yes. He writes stories that are quite popular,“ Fred joined our conversation from Gorge's side. „If we try hard enough, we might manage to get through the crowd. I looked into the second-hand shop and there were non of his books.“

„Fucking hell. Why are we buying storybooks for our classes?“ I moaned and kicked a female (that pushed me) into her shin, ducking under some elbows, forcing my way into the shop.

„I think he might be our new teacher,“ Hermione mused aloud.

„No fucking way –“ Then I saw the blond asshole and got disgusted goosebumps. „He looks like a fucking imbecile. I bet our new teacher is just a dumb fangirl.“

„What do you bet?“

„Anything.“ At first glance, nobody would ever guess Hermione is a gambler, but her competitive spirit knows no bounds.

„Would you wear a skirt for a week if you lose? If you win, you can colour my hair.“

„Sure – but I won't. Get prepared for bright piss yellow hair.“

„Wanna bet too?“ Hermione asked twins who were quick to say no. Pussies.

We found the books and bought a few more, that were a hundred times more interesting than the ones with covers so bright I gained another diopter. His teeth should be classified as a lethal weapon – and I don't care that that comment made the shop assistant snicker. I was serious about that.

Then they dragged me into Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions where we met Susan and Hannah, who managed to distract me so I was much more cooperative with the seamstress.

„I had a problem with my potions homework – have you ever heard of Wiggentree bark?“

„Did you know you can cast magic in Diagon Alley? Your trace can't pick up your own magic from the magic around you so it kind of turns off!“

„Do you think the quality of Mandrake depends on the type of soil?“

After that, they went with us to the Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. I tried the tea flavour (which was too sweet but still better than any other type – bar chocolate). I bought a scoop for George and one for Fred because they were the only ones who had no money left after buying some books. They were reluctant to take my offer but I bullied them into it. Fred picked chocolate and his brother slowly licked lemon-flavour. Hermione enjoyed her hazelnut and vanilla, Hannah chose one of the weird ones – butter popcorn and her roommate chose peanut and strawberry mix.

Then the Hufflepuffs left us and Hermione dragged us into the pets shop – she wanted to buy an owl. I looked around without intention to buy anything – I only looked at the reptiles, amused by the snakes that talked over each other, arguing who is the best looking. They heard from some older snake that being part of a human family means living in luxury so when I looked at them, they started to try to make me buy them. I kept quiet – snakes always freak out when I talk to them.

After checking out the cold-blooded animals I walked back and got invested in a big raven who looked at me with intelligent eyes – he even said hi, which impressed me. Dad wanted me to buy an owl but everyone knows how I feel about those stupid birds. However, if even something as intelligent as a raven can carry post...

„He's so cute!“ Hermione spooked not only the black bird when she turned on her girly-screech-voice. She was cooing over a ginger cat with a face only a mother could love.

„He has been here for quite some time,“ the saleswoman told her with a fake kind smile. „Nobody ever found an interest in him.“

„He's so adorably grumpy looking – he reminds me of you, Henry!“

„Go fuck yourself too.“ Surprisingly, when I tried to pet it, the cat let me. If he scratched me, it wouldn't shock me – animals often find me untrustworthy. „He looks smart. Is he a magical cat?“

„He's part Kneazle. Good guess, young man.“

„His fur is kind of a big clue. I want that raven,“ I pointed behind me with my thumb – the smart bird guessed what is happening and lent on my head in the next few seconds.

After buying all the things our new pets needed, we walked out of there – Hermione was holding Harry in her arms with a big happy smile and I was seething behind her, with a raven making a nest out of my hair. Not only is her HAIR going to turn piss-yellow – her whole being is going to turn into a rainbow!

***

I hate clothes shopping – as a kid I was always persuaded by a bribe (and some sweet words, which I shall never acknowledge), now I get jackshit and mum drags me by the elbow through racks filled with clothing. Nobody was willing to go with us, as they think that our mother is the second craziest person in our household. Especially when we start to argue. I'm not sure where I got my tendency to scream fuck, but my body language when I get really angry comes from the woman that is capable of making me wear fluffy cat onesie on her birthday. So maybe she really is crazy (but mainly kind of scary).

The important part of shopping for me was figuring out the sizes – as long as mother wasn't picking out neon T-shirts I let her go ham. 

„Good afternoon, Mr Bundy.“

„Professor Snape,“ I turned around on my heel and acted like he hadn't surprised me. Sneaky bastard. „Were you too forced into buying clothing even though our ancestors were good in nude?“ He rolled his eyes which was the effect I wanted.

„How did your summer go? Any interesting reading you picked up?“

„I did – some more obscure potion and healing books that I found while shopping for my school supplies. It helped me with some of my experiments, like making magical cures for more basic ailments suitable for muggle bodies. Before that, I was stuck with a version of veritaserum that I wanted to make – but this helped me with understanding how to mix magic into potions. It was meant for magical exhaustion, however, it was quite easy to use in other ways. How about you? Anything interesting?“

„I work on a long-time project with wolfsbane potion and developed a cure for partial blindness. Have you ever thought of getting mastery in potions?“

„I plan to – together with transfiguration, herbology, maybe runes and after that, I plan to get my medical licence. I found out that you need to finish at least five years and twins finish school at the same time so I plan to get the masteries before that and after school get the licence.“

„I can help you with the potion mastery preparation, even though I doubt you need it, Mr Bundy. I will tell you one thing – to get mastery in anything, you need to create something new and impressive. I think you should have no problem with that, am I correct?“ I could only grin widely. „And just an addition – as long as you finished your first year, you can take any test in ministry after registering for one of the terms.“

„Good to know. Thanks.“

„Have a nice rest of the holiday, Mr Bundy. I'm thrilled to read your homework – I hope it has many gory details.“

„Can't make it without them. Bye!“ I'm not part of the gossip circle in Hogwarts but I know Hufflepuffs (who are the middle of the fucking circle) that would kill to know that Snape not only shops in muggle shops but apparently has even worse taste than Elizabeth (I never guessed a grown man would wear colourful underwear with PUNS on it).

***

Too many lost card games later we finally got to the carriages dragged by the cool horses – Thestrals, as I found out in my study of books about magical creatures. I don't remember seeing someone die, but from the information I gathered - my biological mother died in front of me. So maybe that's what counts?

„Are you excited about this year?“

„Why, Hermione?“

„Just because – last year was exciting, so I wonder what happens this time. Maybe a dragon will attack the Griffindor tower?“

„I could get you another troll and lock you up with – ouch!“

„Asshole.“

„Thank you, but I'm not THAT hungry. Which reminds me of my house... do you think they would let me get resorted?“

„Flitwick would be happier than Snape – but I'm worried that Minnie would cry.“

„Why?“

„Because you would end up in Slytherin?“

„She would like me green or red – as long as my brain stays as is. She even wrote me a letter in the summer, asking for another book about morbid transformations.“

„First – since when do you land books to McGonagal? Second – where did you get that book?“

„I don't land her books – we EXCHANGE them. She has a brilliant taste in literature – I gained an invitation to her office to discuss books with her and the school matron. And I got it in a second-hand bookstore.“

„I can't believe you. Why did you never tell us about it?“

„Never came to my mind, to be honest.“ I jumped out of the carriage and petted the bony horse.

„Are you into old ladies? Because - fist Minnie, then those ladies in embroidery club and now Pomfrey?“

„Truly a ladies man.“

„I can't think if its worse this or the fact that they go crazy for him.“

„Thank you, Hermione, at least someone cares about the creepier side. And no, I am NOT into old people.“

„Sure Old Grump, we believe you,“ started George.

„-but the moment we find a big frilly bra in your trunk when we are trying to steal potion ingredients from you-“

„-we will hang it in the Great Hall and Minnie shall kill you with jealousy.“ I should have smothered them in their sleep. Even Hermione, who is usually trying to look mature and above our childish arguing is smirking behind her wild brown curls.

„He doesn't have only the attention of old ladies. Have you ever seen Snape?“ Twins burst out laughing and those who heard event this last part collapsed too – we ruined her! „And even Quirell had a soft spot for him!“

I need to find new friends.