Mad Apothecarist

It was the end of the first school week when the Hogwarts teachers met in the staff room. It was a tradition to talk about students – if any show signs of abuse if there are any prodigies, troublemakers and most often they just shared the freshest gossip over a glass of wine or tea.

„Did you have a nice week?“ asked the headmaster cheerfully with a lemon drop clinking against his teeth.

„The new students are quite good and Weasley twins are suspiciously calm so you can choose how to interpret it,“ answered Minerva. It was a well-known secret that she spiced her tea with scotch.

„If you don't count young Henry,“ snorted Flitwick.

„I had no problem with him,“ she waved him off and sipped some more.

„Didn't you talk to that boy? His vocabulary is as crude as it can be and he is never sorry when I take house point from him or give him detention! Right now he holds the record in how fast one can get detention!“

„But he's brilliant!“ said Pomona. „He could answer any question – I even tried how well he knew N.E.W.T. stuff and he had no problem with it! He's obviously bored in my lessons when I teach theory so I let him do as he wants. His practical needs a little work but he's still second only to Neville who is experienced beyond his years.“

„How many times did you hear him say fuck?“

„At least twice every half an hour. But I don't want to make him sour to my subject so I let him be and only annoy him with my questions.“

„His parents are ok with it – they told me that it helps him with his anger, it lets it out a little pressure without physical violence. When they tried to stop him his magic would break any glass in the room and it would cause harm to the people who angered him. They even talked with psychologist and he said that they should let him deal with it this way.“

„But it's not propper!“ Filius started to turn red in his face. „He's a brat, with no respect to authority!“

„Do I always sound like that?“ Severus mussed and Albus smiled widely.¨

„And how do you like the young Henry, Severus?“

„He is arrogant and cruel, but I never had a better student – even though he has the blood of James Potter in his veins. He even obviously hates the name Potter, he stopped me before I could call it when I did roll call.“

„His father wanted to keep his identity a secret, they wanted no public attention on him just because he is who he is. Of course, there is a possibility someone will find out but he won't sue us if it's someone else than staff.“

„His father?“

„Yes, he's a muggle lawyer. But Severus, I must ask – I heard he made the young Longbottom cry?“

„Yes, the dunderhead almost messed up their potion and Bundy got angry after he prevented the explosion of a boiling potion. He made him cry – I wonder how he's not a Slytherin.“

„He's very particular about people I noticed – he really only likes Hermione Granger when she's not telling him what is proper and Weasley twins, because they are smart – in their own way. He tolerates the Badgers but doesn't talk with them too much. And he is ok with Neville only because he's good in herbology,“ said Pomona. „And he seems too impulsive to truly master the Slytherin mask.“

„H-he would call us creepy s-s-stalkers,“ mumbled Quirell quietly, but his eyes shone with a red light. Nobody heard him.

„Do you know what he wants to be in future?“ asked Septima Vector, the arithmancy teacher.

„He wanted to be a muggle doctor before so I think he wants to become a healer - he's more than smart enough for it.“

„With that temper?“

„I didn't get it either.“

***

Instead of having detention with Hooch, the flying teacher, I ended up with Snape. Twins told me he usually makes students do chores like cleaning cauldrons or the floor, but I was given the task of brewing three cauldrons of pepper-up potion for the flu season. I worked in one of the stations and he graded homework. I could hear him angrily scratching with his simple black quill and wondered how horrible they must be. I found our homework laughably simple but Hufflepuffs had heaps and heaps of problems with it.

Hannah, Susan and Sally-Anne asked if I could help them and I did, kind of – I showed them where they can find the information and they even thanked me – unheard of. The rest of them tried on their own and Neville looked scared every time I talked about anything regarding potions. Twins tried to explain to me something about scaring him but I didn't get it – I saved him from an explosion (and his own dumbness in the process). The knowledge of this always makes me angry when I see him so I started to sneak my way from working in class with someone (and especially him). Teachers tried to make me behave differently but after a week they accepted it and let me do as I wished.

Twins took me in the third week under each arm and dragged me into a dusty classroom, eyes serious but faces cheery. „Wanna contribute-“

„-to a prank-“

„-little apprentice?“

„Sure. Do you have things for it? Plans?“

„We were thinking of something big,-“

„-spectacular. Like paint bombs falling from the ceiling of the Great Hall.“ I think this sentence was finished by George because he looks a little less sly than his ginger twin right now.

„What colours?“ I grinned. They almost blinded me with their cheer and gave me each one ballon with paint sloshing in it. One was bright blue and the other one was yellow. And the bonus colour would be green after some mixing. „Nice. Tomorrow morning or later?“

„At diner is better because some don't go to breakfast. If you help us we can finish before the end of the day but we don't have a date preference, little raven.“

„Let's do it tonight - I'm going to write a letter home and I want to tell them about something more interesting than how I made my roommates hate me.“

„What did you do this time?“

„Experimenting?“

„Reading into the wee hours of the morning?“

„Screaming at a dunderhead?“ That was Fred, the cheekier twin.

„I see you too appreciate this curse-word.“

„It has its charm. Just like fuck, of course.“

„Of course – fuck is the fucking best word. Dunderhead is the second.“ He messed up my hair after that so I forcefully stepped on his foot which made him whine. „Do I need to know a specific spell for this?“

***

Hello dad, mother and the hellspawn,

I hope the stupid owl gets the letter to you without a problem. I talked to twins about how stupid they are in comparison to flock birds and the three that sat near me scratched my hands and face. I healed it with a simple spell but I felt a need to go on a feather-full rampage.

I was sorted into a Ravenclaw, however, the House of wise and clever is not as smart as I anticipated. They are sticklers for rules and what is written in a book is like a law to them – what a fucking bullshit! They are against my experiments and copious questions, our head of house a man with a smaller brain than his size would imply (he's about the size of a goblin, I think he's partially one). He always tells me to stop cursing so I curse around him more out of spite. I thought even I could find a like-minded person in this house but I feel like even stupid Griffins are better than Ravens.

Some Hufflepuffs are friendly with me, mostly because I can help them with anything. I don't have too many classes with Slytherins and they are decent students so I know none. Surprisingly the only students I can withstand are three Gryffindors – Hermione Granger (she's the smartest in our year if you don't count me and she's even starting to think for herself after only two weeks of debates – I think she will join me in my experiments before the school year ends, if not sooner), Fred Weasley and George Weasley (they are monozygous twins, two years older than me – smart, but mainly creative in their pranking experiments).

Just yesterday we bombarded the Great Hall (where we eat and the sorting ceremony held place) with paint-filled balloons! It was special so if one tried to wash it off, it would change colour. I wasn't the one who thought of that, I only helped with the instalment and then just enjoyed not only watching people go batshit crazy but also being splattered in bright colours. There is a special body wash that got rid of the colour, but only the knowledgeable knew about that. Twins are suspected but because my wand was used for the enchantment they came out clean (in theory, because they were one of the most ‚couloured in‘). If anybody suspects me, it means they read this letter.

I like all the classes I knew I would like and event the professors are decent. I like Severus Snape (the potions teacher), Pomona Sprout (herbology teacher) and McGonagall the most. Snape overtakes my detentions and ‚makes‘ me brew potions for the infirmary. Sprout lets me do what I want just because I'm smart and McGonagall is the most chill about my love for the word FUCK and also she enjoys my raw talent in Transfiguration. I would like charms but I would also like to skin Flitwick so I only appreciate the art as a self-taught practitioner.

It was only the end of the second week and I got my fifth detention – as I wrote Snape took over my detentions so I quite enjoy them and plan how to make Flitwick turn red in seconds. Shouting rude things usually works like a charm (get it?) but sometimes he's little oblivious and in those moments I do a little prank on him (twins teach me).

Ask if you're interested in something because I can't think of crap that would interest you.

Hate,

Hadrian

PS.: Can you send me my chemistry book for hight schools with the galaxy cover?

***

Four weeks into school Flitwick made Snape give him the privilege of getting my detention time. He said sorry and tried to be nice, but after half an hour he started to reprimand me for my language again so I stormed off. I thought he wanted to make me like him, that he would treat me like he treats other students – but obviously, he only tried to make me stop in a nicer way. Like it would work! I stormed off into the potion classroom and pulled out my brewing supplies. Snape looked at me with risen eyebrow but after one fiery look, he told me to make Skele-gro.

Flitwick never came and when I saw him the next day in class he ignored my existence – like his whole fucking House. The hat said I would go on a rampage in Slytherin and Gryffindor but I think I will end up as a criminal before my fourth year even as a Ravenclaw. I looked into my options regarding skipping few years and my hopes were crushed because I may take my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s sooner than necessary but every wizard needs to finish at least five years of education.

After a few pranks with twins, I think I could pull one off on my own – I want to get my revenge on that dickhead. I prepared two nasty potions that can be used on clothing – hair-falling potion and rash potion that would cover him in a red rash and make him itchy. I stalked him for a little while and found out his personal chambers and listened with a magical hearing-aid spell for the password. I tried it without the contraband on me and as long as I knew the password the painting was happy to let me through. I also found which day was his nighttime corridor watching day and scheduler my prank on Wednesday.

So when the big clock-arm pointed at eleven in the Wednesday night, I was creeping through the halls with charms covering me from the top of my head to my heels. These were the fist spells twins taught me – smell and noise banishing and spell that made me not as noticeable.

I used the later one almost all the time because my roommates started trying to get rid of me. Or annoy me. Terry was the first - he blasted me with Aquamenti and tried to make it seem like an error – but my siblings trained me for this. „I was only practising – like you!“ He said, tried to make me understand his obvious lie. „I want to be as good as you are!“ My ego almost made me lose my anger, but I was stronger and ‚practised‘ on him my Stinging hex. Then my things started to go missing so I learned Accio and Locking spells of all colours and strengths.

I crept through the halls and even evaded Filch and his cat – I hid behind a suit of armour and Ms Noris couldn't sniff me out thanks to the spells. When I was close to Flitwicks chambers somebody grabbed my shoulder, I almost screamed out loud and heart attack didn't kill me only because of my age. If my bladder was full I would for sure piss myself. ‚Thankfully‘ for my detention-count, another hand silenced me. I could see a pale freckled hand and I instantly knew who grabbed me, so I bit him as hard as I could.

„Ouch!“ George squeaked. How do I know it's George, you ask? His hands are not as scarred as Freds, they lack a big scar on the back of his hand. In their first year, Fred was stupid and stirred his potion in the wrong direction and only managed to save his face by covering it with his hands. Because they stole the ingredients from Snape they couldn't just go to the infirmary and get it healed. And in that time they didn't know how to heal it themselves – actually, they told me this was the reason they looked into healing and always have potions for the most common injuries. I would offer to make him scar-lightening cream, it's little too difficult for their prowess, but I think his scar is cool. I don't like the scar on my forehead, because it's a stupid shape, but other scars are cool (like the scar I have on my shin since the day I fell on a thankfully not-rusty nail).

And yes, I did ask them about it. I was just curious!

„What are you two doing here? And how did you find me?“ I hissed at them.

„We told you not to prank a teacher, you could get expelled!“ Fred hissed back.

„And a good prankster never tells his secret, little apprentice,“ added George, still rubbing his hand.

„Oh you fucking baby, do you need me to kiss your boo-boo?“ I smirked at him, angry that I can't finish my revenge. Well, the potions won't go bad with my stasis spells on them so I can use them later. If they are this determined not to let me break that little motherfucker they will not let me run off.

„If you would be so kind-“ he started with offering me his hand with visible teeth-marks when we heard the voice of an old man.

„Can you hear the naughty student, Ms Norris? I think this time I can persuade Dumbledore that my disciplinary punishments are the best option for these little bastards…“

„Oh fuck,“ I cursed and twins grabbed each one hand before they started to run with me almost flying behind them. They took me through a few hidden passages but Filch was still on our heels. And his cat was even closer – when we got almost stuck in one tight corridor I needed to kick her head as hard as I could to stop her scratching my literal heels. We ran into a random door and before they could drag me further I enchanted it shut as tightly as magically possible. Then I went further and opened a locked door where, if we're lucky, nobody would look for us.

„You're good for a beginner,“ Fred wheezed through his heavy breathing. One would expect more from an athlete.

„Of course I am, I'm Henry fucking Bundy. You know I'm good.“

„Still surprises us,“ said George with a silent laugh, after which his eyes grew in size. „Fuck.“

„You are saying it with too little anger,“ I turned around and looked into one pair of eyes out of three. „Are we on the third floor?“ My mind figured quickly that my guess was correct.

„What will we do?“ The big dog wasn't aggressive, however, our every move made it grow a little more irritated.

„Do you know some spell that produces music?“

„Why? And not really.“

„Same here.“

„Do you know anything? It's a fucking Cerberus! The guardian of Greek Underworld, the big three-headed dog that is lulled into sleep with any music?“ I turned my head so I could see their stupid faces. „Nothing?“

„We never learned about him, never even heard about him. It might be a muggle thing to know about it.“

„Well fuck.“

„How do we get out?“ asked one of them.

„Try if he lets us go away,“ I looked at him and almost jumped back when he grovelled when one of them moved. „Fuck.“

„Maybe we can sing?“

„You would make him angrier with your hormone-filled voices. That funeral march slash school song almost broke my eardrums.“

„Can you do better?“ I could almost hear the raised eyebrow. I know I can, dad often tells me I have a decent voice when we rock out to older metal and rock bands. AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Helloween, Metallica and others – I have memorised most of their good albums. I like how angry-sounding screams can be made into an art piece. I also like rap music, but dad adores metal – and we are the only people in our family who do so, so we always enjoy it without my blond siblings.

It wasn't hard which song to pick – after all, I'm wearing Metallica shirt under my robes.

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

The Cerberus started to lay down, started to fall asleep. What a flattery.

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

The dog started to snore so one twin opened the door and the rest of our group started to walk slowly backwards. I trickled into whistling the tune and closed the door – physically and with few strong spells that won't be as easy to break as the previous ones.

„That was fucking amazing,“ I started to laugh crazily, and after a moment, the twins joined me.

„That's a story – saved by a muggle song!“

„That will be written into legends!“

We started to laugh even more loudly and after a while, we needed to support each other to not fall to the cold stone ground.

„We need to look into why he's here,“ said twin I think is Fred.

„Fuck yeah.“

„Fuck yeah, “I and the other twin said in tandem which made us laugh again.

After all, danger always sounds interesting.