I Will Always Come Back to You
The two stared at each other for what seemed like ages. They were frozen, just staring at each other. Kya sighed and decided to make the first move. She stepped forward and moved closer to Lin. “I know you probably don’t want to see me but I-” Her voice trailed off as the tears in her eyes spilled over. “I want to be open with you.” She started shaking as Lin stood in silence.
She walked over to the police chief and held up her hand, giving Lin plenty of time to push her away. To her surprise, she let Kya place her hand on Lin’s face. “Can we talk? Please,” she said, voice cracking. “I...I need to tell you what happened.”
Lin led her to the couch and gestured for her to sit down. As soon as Kya sat down, Lin leaned against her. Kya laid down and Lin laid on her chest, snuggling up close to her, resting her head on her chest to listen to her heartbeat. “I’m sorry for what I said, I hurt you,” Kya said with a sob.
Kya pulled her into a tight hug. “I hurt you. I fucked up so bad and I’m sorry,” she said, voice thick with emotion. “Can I be honest? I-” Her voice trailed off but she continued at Lin’s nod. “I’ve been dealing with shit. I pushed you away because I was afraid of loving you. I’ve never loved somewhere more than myself before and it scares me.”
Lin sat up, pressing her forehead against Kya’s, offering silent support as she exposed her deepest vulnerabilities. “I left because I got fucking terrified. It’s why I left to travel. I never felt like someone cared about me and I didn’t have a purpose beyond my healing. I almost killed myself about twenty years ago because I was just tired of living,” she confessed shakily.
“I also realized that I’m seriously fucked up mentally,” Kya said softly. “I think I have PTSD and survivor’s guilt. I’ve tried to heal people who didn’t make it and I had to tell their families I failed,” she said, tears streaming down her face. Lin gently wiped the tears away as she continued talking. “I always pride myself on trying to help my loved ones, but I obviously fucked that up. I wanted to kill myself for how I hurt you. I felt that if I hurt the person I love more than myself, then I don’t deserve to live. I honestly feel like a fucking waste of space sometimes.”
Kya’s sobs intensified as Lin pulled her closer. “I thought about why I reacted so badly. It’s because I get scared for you,” she said, putting her head on top of Lin’s. “Whenever you come home hurt, I feel like it’s my fault. I blame myself for not being there for you, even when I know that you’re so damn stubborn you won't accept help and put others first. I feel the guilt and pain of every injury and every death that my healing couldn’t prevent. I-” She let more tears roll down her face, unable to stop crying. “I get so fucking scared. I can’t lose you. If you died, I couldn’t go on. I know you’re so damn stubborn and don’t want to burden other people, but I want you to be open with me. I feel like a fucking failure for hurting you like this.”
“I know how you feel. That’s how I feel,” Lin said, breaking her silence. She placed her hand on Kya’s face. Kya pushed her head into Lin’s hand, gently pressing a kiss to her palm. “Whenever something goes wrong, whether it’s on the force or dealing with others, it always seems like it’s my fault. I’m never enough and I’ll always fuck it up. I feel like a fucking failure, but I can’t ever let it show. I’m a Beifong, we don’t break no matter how bad we want to,” she said through tears.
Kya pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, offering silent support as Lin continued to talk. Lin let her vent, now it was her turn to listen. “I can never let someone in because the moment I do, I always screw it up. I pushed Tenzin away because I was afraid of letting my walls down around him. He...he wanted kids. That would force me to be open and the thought of people loving me is fucking terrifying. With you, I’m scared because I don’t feel even want to have my walls up. I want you to love me. I want to trust you and tell you all of my fears and I...I don’t know how to deal with this change. I’ve never really loved someone before, so I don’t know how to cope with loving someone more than myself,” she confessed in a shaky voice.
“I can’t lose you. I’ve never felt truly unconditional love until you and I’d rather die than lose you because of my own fucking issues” Lin said, lacing their hands together. “I will do anything to make our relationship better. I can’t keep pushing you away because of my own baggage. I want to help you with your baggage and trauma. I love you and I promise to make myself better for you.”
“I want to do that too. I think we both need therapy since we’re obviously extremely mentally stable,” she said with a smile, causing Lin to laugh despite the seriousness of the moment. She pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek, expression quickly sobering up. “I can’t lose you or this relationship. I love you so much. I promise to work on myself because you deserve someone who is as amazing as you are. I might fuck up again, but I promise I will always try and make my way back to you,” she said quietly with a small sob. Lin simply held her tight and pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.
“Here, let’s order something to eat. I haven’t been able to eat and I doubt you have,” Lin said, getting up off of the couch. Kya followed her, refusing to let go of her hand. She called and ordered some takeout while Kya placed her head on top of the shorter woman. She pressed a gentle kiss to her temple, causing Lin to blush a deep red.
They ate in silence when the food came, still holding hands. “I think we should go to therapy,” Kya said softly. “I told you a lot of my issues and you told me about yours. We need someone else to help us talk about our emotions so we don’t have another fight like this.”
Lin nodded, taking a bite of her chicken. “I agree. I love you and that won’t ever change, but shit gets overwhelming for me. I have some repressed trauma and I know you do as well. Talking with someone will only help us,” she said, pressing a kiss to her cheek.
The two women threw away their trash and Kya turned to go to the guest bedroom. “Come on baby,” Lin said, gently grabbing her hand. “I’m sorry for pushing you away but I’ll try and let you in.”
“I’m sorry for running and shutting down. I shouldn’t have done that and I hope you can forgive me babe.”
“Of course I can, my love. Come here, I want to snuggle with you,” she said, tugging her hand. Kya smiled softly and let Lin guide her to the bedroom. They undressed and snuggled under the covers.
Kya gently spooned Lin from behind. “Thank you for being open with me. I know it’s hard for you and I am so happy you trusted me with it,” she said, pressing a kiss to the back of her neck. “I love you.”
Lin smiled and kissed her palm. “I love you too. Thank you for coming back. Most people just leave me when shit gets hard and don’t look back. You...you came back for me,” she said, voice thick with emotion. Kya held her tighter and Lin relaxed into her arms. The two fell asleep, knowing they would figure out therapy later. For now, they were simply content with returning to the love of their life. They both made a silent promise to come back to each other, no matter what.