How I Thought About Princesses
So I was starting to have regrets. If I'm being honest, spending the break with Kurahashi seemed like the best possible thing, so of course I had no qualms about asking her to join this little misadventure. However, it has become apparent that I made a few fatal miscalculations that are becoming more and more obvious every minute that passes.
The most blatant one is the fact that this is my gang of all people. I don't know how I managed to forget that in my lovestruck stupor, but it's more clear than ever. My friends are chaotic idiots who have a high chance of scaring her off before I can do anything.
Honestly, what was I even doing pining for Kurahashi? It wasn't like it would ever work out. She was bright and cheerful, honestly she was like a disney princess in the best way possible. I'd bet Terasaka's house that if she sang, a bird would come down and land on her finger. Disney. Fucking. Princess.
I'm obviously nothing like that. I'm probably the disgusting witch or at least a villain, and those only end up with princesses in fanfictions. And if I'm being honest, some of those lesbian fueled fanfictions are better than the original source material, but I digress.
"Hello in there!" Terasaka knocked on my head with one large hairy fist. "Anyone home?"
I swatted his hand away and rolled my eyes. "Unfortunately. This better be good. I finally managed to leave this astral plane and escape from all of you."
Terasaka nodded. "That's cool. Come check it out!" He gestured outside of the van. I had to rub my eyes as I sat up. It was one of my better periods of zoning the hell out. I hadn't even noticed that we had pulled over, and everyone but me had exited the car. Jesus, was I invisible or something? No one bothered to get me?
I made my displeasure known by punching Terasaka in the arm as I passed by to see what the hell was going on. Everyone was gathered around the front of the van, looking at something. I elbowed my way in between Muramatsu and Hara (I love disrupting his little fairy tale romance) and looked at the object of everyone's attention.
A snake.
"You guys have never seen a snake before?" I said, raising an eyebrow.
"This one's special." Yoshida said, poking it with a stick. "It has stripes."
"Lot's of snakes have stripes dumbass." They were doing a terrible job of arguing the case of the apparently "special" snake.
"See if you can make it bite the stick." Terasaka said. Of course he and the other guys were enthralled. Well, all except for Muramatsu, who mumbled something about snakes being "icky" And I didn't see Asano anywhere either.
"Hey, don't hurt it!" Kurahashi said, looking genuinely worried for the "special" snake.
"I think you have to get it's attention." Yoshida said, moving to poke it with the stick again. I strode over, grabbed the stick, and snapped it in half. "Hey! Bitch!"
"She said don't poke it." I said, handing him back the stick halves. "And now you have two sticks."
"That's true." Yoshida said.
"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" Terasaka yelled, waving his hands and jumping around in an idiotic attempt to get the snake's attention.
"What the hell is a "booga"?" Itona said, looking at the ground, kicking a rock with his shoe.
"I dunno." Terasaka said. "Dammit now the sticks are too short. Thanks for nothing Hazama."
"You're welcome." I said, crossing my arms. To my surprise, Kurahashi walked over and squeezed my shoulder.
"Thank you." She said quietly, and I swear I felt like I was melting into some kind of fleshy blob of happy Hazama mush.
"Hey Terasaka, how much would I have to pay you to pick up the snake with these?" Yoshida said, handing the Gorilla Man the sticks. "It's just like chopsticks and a noodle."
"This is a terrible idea." Takebayashi said, adjusting his glasses.
"No shit Sherlock!" Muramatsu yelled. "Let's just go."
"Don't worry, I don't think they'll actually do it." Hara said, turning to us non snake worshippers. "I mean, who the hell would pick up a potentially dangerous snake.
"Um...Terasaka would." Ritsu said in a small voice.
We turned to see Terasaka slowly approaching the snake, sticks posed like chopsticks. Yoshida had his phone out to video. As he crawled forward I could hear him saying "Just a big noodle, just a big noodle," over and over to himself.
"Guys are you fucking kidding me!" I yelled.
"Shhh, don't disturb the professional." Itona said, looking slightly more interested.
"Yeah, we can sell the footage to Animal Planet or something." Yoshida said.
"Oh yeah, sure, man gets fucking murdered by snake. Great television content." I said, rolling my eyes. "Terasaka, leave it alone."
Terasaka was now standing directly over the snake, clicking his "chopsticks." "Do it!" Yoshida yelled.
"Terasaka come on-"
"YEAH!" Terasaka yelled, lifting the snake with the chopsticks. "SUCK MY DICK MOTHER NATU-AAGH!"
To literally no one's surprise, the snake was pissed. It hissed, bearing its fangs and writhing. Terasaka screamed like a six year old girl, dropping the snake and running behind Itona. "IT'S GONNA KILL ME!"
"And what am I gonna do about it?" Itona asked.
The snake was still incredibly pissed. It eyed Terasaka angrily.
"This is why we don't piss of snakes." Muramatsu groaned.
"I dunno, if it attacks him I be we can sell it for a lot of money." Rio said, taking out her own phone. "I'd better video too just in case it takes out Yoshida."
The snake had separated the two groups, dividing us with it's long thin body. The former snake worshippers were pressed up against the van, leaning away from the snake. The rest of us and our brain cells stood on the other side of the snake.
"Jump over it!" Rio called. "What could possibly go wrong!"
"Can snakes jump?" Itona asked suddenly. That made the group look even more concerned.
"Terasaka maybe if you apologize nicely it'll calm down." Yoshida said nervously.
"Yeah because snakes understand language." Itona said, rolling his eyes.
"It's worth a try." Terasaka said, stepping forward. "Hey buddy, didn't mean to upset you-WOAH!" The snake jerked forward, snapping at Terasaka, sending him stumbling back. "He must speak a different language!"
"Try a different one." Takebayashi said, looking amused. He seemed to be enjoying this.
"Ok. Uhhh...Me llamo Terasaka. Donde esta el bano?" Terasaka said nervously.
"Did you just ask a snake where the bathroom is?"
"Did I? I have no idea." Terasaka said. "I failed spanish."
The snake apparently did not know where the bathroom was. It bared its fangs again, preparing to strike.
"Well fuck. We're dead." Itona said in his normal blunt tone. "Anyone in favor of using Terasaka as a meat shield?"
"Hey!"
"Wow, what a great vacation. Half of the group got dunked on by a snake." Muramatsu said, shaking his head. "Who wants to do speeches at the funeral? I know I do."
"It was nice knowing you boys." Terasaka said, saluting. "I face my death with dignity."
"We're literally going to die because you picked a snake up like it was a noodle." Itona added.
"Ok fine. I face my death with no dignity."
"Are you guys done playing with the snake? Do you want me to move it now?" Kurahashi said, stepping forward.
"Yes please." Takebayashi said.
"Woah wait hold on." Rio said. "That thing is pissed off."
"He's just a little angry." Kurahashi said, kneeling down behind the snake. "Come here, cute thing!"
"Wait Kurahashi-" I started.
"No one wants to see a hot girl die. We can't sell this part to animal planet." Yoshida grumbled.
The snake turned, I froze, and-
"Aww, see?" Kurahashi said. She was petting the snake on the head. It seemed perfectly calm now, like it hadn't just been treated like a giant noodle. "He's a good boy."
"Holy fuck. Is she a witch?" Yoshida said. "On second thought we're totally selling this to animal planet."
"It's ok. Everything's ok. They're just a bunch of meanies." Kurahashi said, continuing to pet the snake.
"I would like to object to being called a meanie." Takebayashi said, adjusting his glasses.
"Yeah you can't call me a meanie, you meanie!" Terasaka retaliated.
Itona patted his shoulder. "Good one."
"Really?"
"No."
"Oh."
Kurahashi scooped up the snake, holding it out to the rest of us.
"EEK!" Muramatsu squealed, jerking away.
"Does anyone wanna hold him?" Kurahashi asked, smiling brightly.
"No!" Muramatsu said, now at least five feet away from the rest of us.
"We know you don't." I said, rolling my eyes.
"Hazama, do you wanna hold him?" Kurahashi asked. "He feels really cool. Kinda sleek and bumpy at the same time."
When faced with a beautiful girl holding a snake, I did what anyone would to. I held the snake. It slowly raised it's head to mine, tongue brushing against my cheek.
"IT KISSED HAZAMA!" Terasaka yelled. "OH GOD! SNAKE COOTIES!"
"Seriously!" I yelled. My regrets came back into play. Terasaka had a knack for ruining moments, a knack that I seriously didn't need right now.
"QUARANTINE! QUARANTINE!" Terasaka yelled, drawing a circle in the dirt and standing in it. "YOU CAN'T CROSS THIS CIRCLE!"
"Oh for fuck's sake." I turned to see Asano leaning against a tree. "I leave for ten minutes and you start a pandemic."
"Snake cooties aren't a thing." I growled.
"Yet!" Terasaka yelled. I flipped him off.
"Wait, where did you even go?" Hara asked.
"I don't have to tell you." Asano said. "Now let's go already. I'm bored again."
"Let's bring the snake!" Terasaka said.
"I thought it had cooties." Rio said, crossing her arms and grinning.
"Uh..." Terasaka picked up some dirt and sprinkled it over the snake's head. "There, it's been purified."
"Says who!" I yelled
"Says me! Terasaka, grand high leader of...the Church of Terasaka! Amen, praise be, and all of that shit!"
"Praise be." Itona said, clasping his hands and waving them at the sky. "Can we go now?"
"Does someone else wanna drive? My hands are cramping." Terasaka complained. We'd been driving for about fifteen minutes. The snake had been left behind thankfully.
"Move over weakling." Yoshida said. "I'll drive." Muramatsu quickly tightened his seatbelt.
"We're gonna die."
"No we're not." Yoshida said, looking mildly annoyed. "Guess what best buddy, you're gonna ride shotgun with me."
"But-" Muramatsu said, looking at Hara.
"No buts. Now get your ass in gear before I go back and shove the snake up it!"
"You wouldn't dare!" Muramatsu spluttered.
"Try me." Yoshida said, grinning evilly.
"Kinky!" Rio chimed in.
"Rio!" Kurahashi scolded.
"Hinano." Rio said sweetly.
"Terasaka!" Terasaka added. "Now ok, we gotta do this carefully. Itona, hold the wheel while I crawl back and Yoshida climbs up. Then you and Matsu can switch places."
"WHAT! WE'RE NOT SWITCHING PLACES WHEN THE CAR IS MOVING!" Matsu yelled.
"Sounds like a plan." Yoshida said, unbuckling his seatbelt. "Let's do this thing."
"GUYS!" Muramatsu wailed.
"Itona take the wheel on three." Terasaka said. "One...three!" Terasaka dove towards the back, the car swerving wildly as Itona fumbled with the wheel.
"Terasaka what the fuck!" He yelled.
"I said take it on three!"
"That's not how you...never mind." Itona sighed.
"Aight boys, here we go." Yoshida said, sliding into the front seat and taking the wheel. "That's how you do it!"
"Alright! Itona, c'mere!" Terasaka said, holding his arms out.
"I think I'll stay here."
"Itonaaaaa"
"I was kidding, relax." Itona said, sliding back and joining Terasaka. "Happy?"
"Very." Terasaka said, grinning.
"Your up Matsu, come on." Yoshida said, patting the front seat.
"I don't wanna die thank you."
"Oh come on, quit being a baby. It's fine." Yoshida said.
"Fuck you and your petty insults." Matsu grumbled, slowly making his way to the passenger seat.
Of course then, we hit a pothole. Muramatsu was launched face first into the glove compartment. Like the supportive friends we are, we burst out laughing.
"YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!" Muramatsu snapped, shoving Yoshida.
"Dude I swear, I didn't!" Yoshida protested, still laughing.
"Fuck you!" Matsu yelled, shoving him again.
"Dude quit shoving me!"
"No!" another shove.
"Matsu!"
Two more shoves were enough for Yoshida to shove back, and before we knew it, a full on cat fight was going on.
"Fight fight fight!" Terasaka chanted. "Get him! Get him!"
"Who are you cheering for?" Itona asked.
"I dunno. It's a mystery." Terasaka answered.
And then we heard the sirens.
"Well shit." Yoshida said. "Way to go Matsu."
"HOW IS THIS MY FAULT!"
"Guys, shut up and look professional." I snapped.
"Wait this is good, I should try and outrun this one." Yoshida said.
"DON'T YOU DARE!" Muramatsu shrieked.
"We've encountered two cops already. I think I know where this trip is going to end. Jail." Asano mused. "I'm all for outrunning the cops."
"Yeah!" Terasaka yelled. "Everyone put your hands up. It's more fun that way! I couldn't do it last time, cause like, I was too busy driving."
"I don't want to die." Muramatsu whimpered, giving up on fighting. He took out his phone and began a video. "This is the last will and testement of Takuya Muramatsu-" he never got a chance to finish. Yoshida floored it and swerved, trying to ditch the cop.
"So this kind of thing happens often with you people." Asano said, grinning.
However, this cop wasn't going down so easily. And he wasn't giving up. He floored it too, swerving right along behind us.
"Holy shit, this is like, a boss battle." Yoshida said, checking in the rear view mirror. "Ok, I see you, let's play!"
"FUUUUCK!" Matsu screamed as Yoshida began a complicated series of turns and swerves, narrowly missing other cars, bushes, and a street light.
"I learned that on GTA! Pretty badass right!" He yelled, a manic look in his eye. It seemed that being chased by the police gave him the push he needed to break out of his funk.
But the cop soon proved to be the superior driver. He copied the previous moves, ending with swerving in front of the van, cutting us off.
"Shit, everyone play it cool!" Terasaka yelled. "I don't wanna go to jail!"
"Then why did you run from the co-" Yoshida slapped a hand over Muramatsu's mouth, before slapping on a smile and rolling down the window.
"Good day officer." he said, in a painfully cheerful voice. "Nice day isn't it?"
"Son, do you know how fast you were going just now?" the cop asked, squinting at him.
"Nope." Yoshida said.
"Did you realize that you were swerving across lanes of traffic?"
"Was I? I didn't notice."
The cop sighed heavily, before peering back into the car. "What the...how many people are in there? Where are you all going?"
"Well." Yoshida said, smiling becoming strained as he raced for a diversion. "This is my...grandson." he patted Muramatsu's knee.
"Are you fucking-" Yoshida's hand slapped back over Matsu's mouth.
"Respect your elders." he said, turning back to the cop. "Yup, just some quality bonding with my grandson."
"Uh huh." The cop said, not amused. "Then who are the rest of these people."
"They're...uh...my harem." Yoshida said. I was about ready to strangle him myself.
The cop looked as confused as the rest of us. "They're your what now?"
"My harem." Yoshida said. "Mhm, when you get to be...a hundred and forty three, you pick up a lot of goodies, ya know what I mean!"
"We love sex." Terasaka added helpfully. I kicked him at the same time that Itona elbowed him.
"How old are you?" the cop turned to Muramatsu.
"He's twelve!" Yoshida said.
"I'm twelve." Matsu mumbled.
"And you're traveling with your grandfather and his harem to where?"
"The nursing home." Matsu said, face flushing like it always did when he lied.
"And they allow harems in the nursing home?"
"The nursing home is the name of a strip club!" Rio blurted. "That...caters to the elderly!"
"Well we're going to jail now." Itona muttered.
The cop stared at Yoshida who stared back, before raising his eyebrows. "You wanna join us? I like a...firm...man...cop...guy. Firm man cop guy."
That was enough for the cop, who sighed heavily. "Just be more careful." With that, he turned on his heel and walked away, muttering about "damn kids."
"Way to go grandpa!" Matsu said angrily, shoving Yoshida again.
"What?! We were awesome together. Just like old times!" Yoshida laughed.
"I can't go to jail!" Matsu yelled. "I have like, future prospects! I can be something!"
"And I can't?" As quickly as it had appeared, the spark of life faded from Yoshida's eyes, once again replaced by his new, dull look.
"Not if you get arrested!"
"Enough." I said, crossing my arms. "Asano, get in the front. I'm not listening to these two argue like children for the next three hours.
"Wait, why m-"
"Do it." I said, giving him my most intense glare. A look of discomfort crossed over his face, before he unbuckled his seat belt to move to shotgun. That was the most satisfying thing to happen to me all day. "And no more cop bullshit. We're law abiding citizens. For now."
By some miracle, by nightfall I was finally able to be alone with Kurahashi. I had taken on the roll of driving, I never sleep anyways, and she was now seated in the passenger seat beside me.
"Are they ok?" she asked quietly, gesturing to Yoshida and Matsu, who were sitting as far away from each other as possible. "They always seemed so close."
"They are, or I guess they were. I dunno. Yoshida's been weird lately." I said, shrugging. I'd been shoving down my worries. Yoshida got into bitchy moods all the time. We had a running joke in our gang that he was on his man period. But this time...I was starting to worry.
"Can I do anything to help?" said the pure, sweet, kindhearted angel next to me.
"They'll be fine." I said, glad the darkness could hide the reddening of my face. Curse women, why must they do this to me?
"Alright, but if something changes, let me know. I'll try my best to help." Kurahashi was quiet for a moment. "I'm really glad you invited me."
"What? You mean you're not ready to pretend you never met us?" I asked sarcastically.
"No! I'm having a lot of fun. I've never really gotten to talk to some of the people here before. And I've never really gotten to hang out with you since the tarantula thing. So it's nice, I'm glad we can do this."
"Even if we're following Terasaka's lead?"
"He's not that bad." Kurahashi giggled. She glanced over her shoulder into the backseat where Terasaka was sleeping. "He looks so peaceful."
"Pickles." The idiot grunted in his sleep.
"Nope, still Terasaka." I said, shaking my head. "Same old Terasaka."
"Well Terasaka or not, I'm happy I'm here. So thank you." Kurahashi said, leaning back in her seat and looking out the front window. I thought that was the end of our interaction.
But then she took her hand in mine.