How we kidnapped a man
I rubbed my hands together. "Oh yeah, it's all coming together."
"It's too early for this level of excitement." Itona grumbled, yanking his bandanna over his eyes and slumping back on top of a suitcase.
"It's only seven thirty!" I said, checking my watch. "The perfect time for adventuring."
"Sure it is." Itona mumbled. I grinned and ruffled his hair. I did owe him one for going along with this, after all.
"I think my spine just cracked." Yoshida grumbled as he hoisted a suitcase into the trunk of my van. "Why am I the only one doing the lifting?"
"Because I'm the leader." I said, crossing my arms. "I'm too busy supervising."
"Bullshit." Yoshida said, rolling his eyes. He sent a poisonous look in the direction of Matsu and Hara. The two had gone off together and were making lovey dovey faces. Yoshida's never been super tolerant of PDA, but it seems like he has a special hatred for those two being together.
"I'm not going over there." I said. Instead I took out my phone. "Ritsu! Gimme a rundown!"
"Sure thing!" She chirped. "Everyone's here except for Kurahashi. If we keep on track like this, we'll be able to avoid most of the morning traffic."
"Awesome possum." I said, looking around at my crew. Aside from the lovebirds and Yoshida and Itona, there was Hazama who was reading under a tree. Takebayashi was off writing an equation for...some reason. I didn't know what he was doing, and I wasn't gonna ask. It wasn't a good time for math. Hell, it's never a good time for math.
Yoshida lifted the last suitcase into the van and groaned. "Ok, can I please be done now?"
"Someone's crabby." I said. "Itona, do you think he's crabby?"
"Go bother someone else." Itona grumbled.
"Damn, two crabs." I said, making pinching claws with my hands. I moved them towards Yoshida and Itona. "Pinch pinch..."
"Do it and die." Itona said, and I decided to back off. Lucky for Itona, I was distracted by the sight of Kurahashi running towards us...with a plus one!
"Sorry I'm late!" She called, jogging over. "I had to find a pet sitter who was willing to take all of my babies!"
"VIP access only!" I yelled, jumping in front of her and spreading my arms out. I glared down at the two girls. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Rio Nakamura smirked up at me. "I heard there was a party, so I wanted in."
"No way." I growled. Rio and I had enough run ins for me to decide that I didn't like her. There was no way she was coming.
"I'm sorry, but I forgot that I promised Rio that we'd hang out over break." Kurahashi said. "And I figured it would be ok, because your van's so big."
"No." I said. "Beat it blondie."
I felt a hand on my shoulder, long nails digging in. "Terasaka." Hazama said in a scary voice. "Let her come."
"No." I said, shuddering. I didn't want to turn around and face the pure nightmare fuel behind me. "She wasn't invited, and I don't like her." Hazama's grip on my shoulder tightened.
"Terasaka, don't be rude." I was in danger of getting severely injured. Someone should have informed Hazama that bros come before hos. But because I am a generous and wonderful friend, I backed down.
"Fine." I grumbled. "She can come."
"Thank you Terasaka!" Kurahashi said brightly, jogging over to Yoshida to deposit her bags. Yoshida was not pleased by this.
"What am I? A fucking bellboy?" He snapped as he placed the luggage in the van.
"Bellboys work in hotels." Matsu said, walking over with Hara. As per usual, they were holding hands. I grabbed Itona's hand, so we wouldn't be shown up.
"Who gives a shit." Yoshida said, slinking off into the van. He'd been especially grumpy for a while now. At this point, the rest of us had given up on trying to cheer him up, and had decided to try giving him some space. Hopefully a vacation would snap him out of it.
"Alright, everybody in!" I cheered. I raised my eyebrows as Kurahashi took Hazama by the hand, pulling her into the van. Before things went any further, I had to make sure that Hazama promised that I could speak at the wedding.
"Alright, you ready?" I asked, pulling Itona's bandanna away from his eyes.
"No, not really. I call shotgun by the way."
"Great, I want you next to me the whole time." I said, pulling him to his feet.
"That was cheesy." Itona rolled his eyes, but smiled.
"We have a slight problem."
"GYAH!" I nearly jumped out of my skin. Takebayashi had somehow gotten behind me and had scared the living daylights out of me. "Jesus! Don't do that! I gotta tie a bell around your neck or something." This wasn't the first time he had done this.
"Over there." Takebayashi pointed at a figure running away from the parking lot. I grimaced. I had been afraid of this.
"Shit. Campus student police." Ok, so teeechnically I wasn't supposed to park on the main school grounds. I figured that it was early enough that no one would see, but leave it to the A class whack jobs to be at school when they didn't have to. "We gotta go, now."
"What are they gonna do? Arrest us?" Itona asked, raising an eyebrow. I realized he'd never had a run in with them before.
"No, these guys are nuts." I said. "They're the tattletales and teachers pets that never grew out of it after kindergarten. The scouts aren't bad, but before you know it-"
"What do we have here?" a snide voice asked. My shoulders slumped in defeat.
"They get the big dogs." I sighed heavily, and tried to put on my nicest smile. "Good morning, can I help you?"
Gakushu Asano stared back at me, arms crossed. Well this was great. "You're from E class, aren't you." he said, narrowing his eyes. "You're not allowed to park here."
"What? Oh this? This isn't my van." I said, trying to appear casual. "I stole it."
"Wow, nice one." Itona muttered. I elbowed him.
Asano looked like a cat that had swallowed a canary. "That so? Well, guess we'll have to have a little talk about this."
"I'd love to, but I gotta go." I said. "Nice talking to you. Bye bye-"
For the second time, my shoulder was gripped, preventing me from moving. "I don't think so." Asano said. "I've been wanting to talk to E class students for a while now, and I think we're going to sit down and have a nice, private chat, don't you think? I'd hate to get my father involved."
"Oh now you flaunt your daddy." I growled. "Look, I got places to be."
Itona was looking at Asano inquisitively. "Damn, he does look like Karma."
Asano stared back at him. "Who the hell are you?"
"He's no one. Now we will be leaving." I turned to Itona. "Sorry you had to meet this guy."
I think it was the way Asano waved his fancy phone around that made me do what I did next. Before my brain decided to do it's damn job, I jumped forward and grabbed the phone.
"Hey! What the hell was that-"
"YEET!" I yelled, tossing it across the road, where it shattered.
"WHAT THE FU-" Asano never got to finish, because something was in his way. That would be my fist. I punched him in the face, is what I'm trying to say.
"Woah." Itona said, a smile spreading across my violent little shrimp's face. "Nice shot."
"TERASAKA!" Hazama yelled. She was significantly less pleased.
"Oh shit." My brain had finally caught up. Asano was slumped forward against me, out cold. I must have hit him harder than I thought. "Oh shit."
"Oh shit." Itona agreed. "We're screwed." He said this in his usual blunt, matter of fact tone.
"Uhhh..." I looked around frantically. No one else was around. For the time being, I was safe, but that could change at any moment. I looked around, trying to think of anything, anything I could do...
I rushed over to my van, opened the trunk, and shoved Asano in, up against the luggage, before slamming the door. I grabbed Itona by the arm and sped into the van, jamming the key into the ignition.
"Terasaka, what the fuck just happened?" Hazama said coldly.
"Uh, so we're going. Right now. Extremely fast." I said, pulling out of the parking lot.
"Did you...put a body in the trunk?" Kurahashi asked nervously.
"Are we fugitives now?" Ritsu asked brightly.
"No, uh...I mean, he's not dead." I said, trying to make it sound like no big deal.
"That, was the principal's son." Hazama said. "You broke his phone, punched him, knocked him out, threw him in the trunk, and left?!"
"Yeah, that sounds about right. For all of you that missed it, that's what happened." I said, refusing to look back. Itona snickered. I had a feeling that he was enjoying this.
"We kidnapped Asano." Muramatsu said in a small voice. "We're so dead."
"Not if we dump him in a lake somewhere." Rio chimed in.
"Hey, that's not a bad idea." I said. "Does anyone know where the nearest lake is?"
"WE'RE NOT KILLING HIM!" Matsu shrieked. "We're turning around right now and bringing him back."
"We'll drop him off in the next town or something." I said. "So we have time to escape."
"We kidnapped a man." Matsu said, looking scared. Hara patted his shoulder.
"Damn, I should have started hanging out with you all sooner." Rio said, grinning.
"So we're all just ok with the fact that we kidnapped the principal's son?!" Matsu asked incredulously.
"I mean, yeah." I said. Itona nodded and Yoshida shrugged.
Takebayashi adjusted his glasses with a sinister grin. "I will take this opportunity to continue my revenge."
"I sure as hell don't have any problems." Rio laughed.
"Should we give him a blanket or something so he's more comfortable?" Kurahashi asked. Hazama nodded, agreeing not out of the kindness of her heart, but out of a desire to please Kurahashi.
"We're going to jail." Matsu said. Hara began to lead him through some deep breathing exercises.
"Well, this is starting out well." I said. "Who wants some music!!
Honestly, I forgot Asano was in the trunk. I think we all did after a while. We'd all been screaming along to the song on the radio, when I hit an especially large bump, causing the suitcases to shift and topple. We heard several thumps. And then...
"OW!"
"Oh no." Hazama said, sitting up.
"Oh right, we kidnapped someone." Itona said, looking genuinely unconcerned.
Another bump. "OW!"
"Let's pretend we don't hear him." Yoshida suggested.
"I don't know, I think we're far enough away that he can't do anything." Ritsu suggested.
"Yeah, maybe he can ride up here now?" Kurahashi asked.
"Hmm." I considered it. "I dunno. This is Asano."
"I still have no idea who he is." Itona said. "But it's nice to throw someone else in a truck for once." I patted his head.
"Maybe this could be a show of goodwill?" Hazama offered.
"Oh yeah, that's a really great peace offering. We kidnap him, but because we're so nice and friendly, we let him ride out of the trunk."
"Exactly!" I said.
"Nahhhh, let's leave him" Rio said, a sinister smile spreading across her face. "Like you said, it's Asano."
"Explanation please." Itona said, poking my arm. I gave him a rundown of the generally shitty actions of Asano, A class, and his father overall.
"You had the most issues with him Takebayashi. What do you think?" Hara asked, turning to face our resident nerd.
"Fifteen more minutes. Then we let him out." Takebayashi said calmly. "And take the route with the most turns."
I grinned. "Atta nerd, you got more spine then I thought!"
"Like I said, we're going to jail." Matsu sighed.
"On three." I said. Matsu and Yoshida had joined me outside of the car as we prepared to open the trunk.
"Should we get a weapon ready or something?" Yoshida asked. "I feel like our lives are going to be in danger the moment we open the trunk." Muramatsu picked up a nearby stick and held it out questioningly.
"Yeah, that'll work." I said. "Here we go. One...two...three!" I opened the trunk and...nothing happened. What greeted us was a pile of suitcases with a leg sticking out from under them. "Oh shit. We killed him."
"OH GOD! WE'RE MURDERERS NOW!" Muramatsu screamed. The leg twitched.
"Or not. Gimme a hand boys." I said, as we lifted the suitcases away from the slumped figure of Asano. Fortunately, he wasn't dead. Unfortunately, he was still alive. Yeah, I know what I said, but if he was in any shape to kill us, he would have.
"This has got to be the least professional kidnapping I have ever seen." Asano growled, glaring up at us.
"Hello again!" I said, trying to appear friendly and goodwill-y. "Remember us?"
"Hold up, you've been kidnapped before?" Yoshida asked curiously.
Asano sighed heavily. "When your father is a man like mine, you're often used as a bargaining chip."
"Oh, sorry to hear that." I said. "If it makes you feel any better, we didn't mean to kidnap you. It was an accident."
"HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY KIDNAP SOMEONE!" Asano yelled. I grabbed the stick from Muramatsu and swung it threateningly. It seemed like he was still mad.
"It all started during the second world war." Yoshida said, nodding. I kicked him.
"I hit you and I panicked, so I threw you in the trunk and drove away." I said. "It happens all the time."
Asano stared at me, before deciding it was too much work to argue with me. "Yeah, sure. That happens all the time. Just take me back now." He pushed himself into a sitting position and looked around. "Where the hell am I?"
"We don't know." Yoshida said.
"Where are you going?"
"We don't know." Matsu said.
"Why the hell did you drive away with me?!"
"We don't know." I said.
"YOU'RE IDIOTS!" Asano screamed. At that moment, Itona opened the driver's side door and peeked out.
"Can you tell him to shut up? We're trying to listen to the traffic report."
Asano's face turned scarlet. "You're going to take me back right now, or else."
"Or else what?" I said threateningly. I was the one with the stick. I had the power here. I waved it threateningly.
"Would you put that down before you poke my eye out?" Asano snapped. This obviously wasn't going well.
"Hold on, we need to discuss something as a group." I said, grabbing the trunk door.
"Don't you fucking da-" I slammed the trunk door before he could finish.
"I think you should knock him out again." Yoshida said. "That makes him a lot easier to handle."
"I was thinking we could just dump him here and hope he makes it back on his own." I said.
Matsu groaned. "Guys, I can't pick up a legal record now."
"Why not? Can you next week?" I asked. "That's really inconvenient Muramatsu."
"Yeah, you turning into a pussy on us?" Yoshida said, his toxic mood making another appearance.
"No! Dude, what is your problem with me!" Muramatsu hissed.
"What's my problem? What's your problem?! You're acting like you're too good for us with your little girlfriend-"
"HE'S ESCAPING!" I yelled. That paused the conversation in it's tracks. Asano had kicked out the back window of the trunk, and had succeeded in crawling out. He was making his way down the road. "GET HIM!" the three of us charged after him.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" Asano yelled, as we jumped him and dragged him back to the van.
"Can you two shut up and tolerate each other for two minutes, before our kidnapping victim escapes?" I snapped. Honestly, the situation made me a little sad. The two used to be as tight as it gets. I turned back to Asano. "You got two options here buddy. You can either ride in the trunk, or ride up front and be chill."
"And if I don't?" Asano asked, raising an eyebrow. I whacked the stick against my palm and regretted it.
"OW! SPLINTER!" I held my hand out to my friends. "God dammit I got a fucking owie."
"Ooh." Yoshida winced in sympathy.
"Idiots." Asano sighed again. "This is a crime you know."
"And you busted my back window! That's a crime too." I said. "So we're even."
"We are not-"
"Make your choice." I said, whacking the stick against the road instead of my hand. "Or...I shove the stick up your ass."
"WHAT?!"
"No, we're not doing that." Muramatsu said, pushing me out of the way. "Let's just take some nice deep breaths, ok? We're all fine, everything's fine."
"Nice good cop." I said, giving him a thumbs up. Matsu rolled his eyes.
"I'm not the good cop! I can be scary and-OH MY GOD BLOOD!" Matsu jumped back with a screech.
"Terrifying." Yoshida said.
"What happened?" I asked, squinting at Asano's apparently injured leg.
"I was kidnapped by a band of morons, and tried to escape by breaking a glass window." Asano said, rolling his eyes.
"Damn, who would do that-Oh wait." I crossed my arms. "That's your own fault. Anyways, we got a schedule to keep. Trunk or not?"
Asano was quiet for a minute, scowling up at us. "...Not the trunk. You're lucky I'm hungry."
"How are we lucky?" Yoshida asked.
"Don't expect us to feed you." I growled.
"Okay, that's enough." Hazama jumped out of the van, and held the door open. "Welcome to hell, please take your seat. We have snacks."
"Yeah." I said brightly. "This is an offer of goodwill!"
"Why didn't I realize that sooner." Asano grumbled. This was going well.
Ok, so the next half hour was awkward. Every sat in silence as we drove.
"So...how are you?" Kurahashi finally asked.
"I've been better." Asano said coldly.
"You were right. He is an asshole." Itona said to me.
"I heard that." Asano snapped.
"He knows." Hazama said.
Asano looked around the car. "So there's nine of you?"
"Ten!" Ritsu said brightly, appearing on the gps screen.
Asano jumped back. "What the fuck?!"
"We'll explain that later." Takebayashi said.
"Of course you're here." Asano sneered. "Did you enlist these morons to help kidnap me?"
"Dude, for the last time, it was an accident." Yoshida said. "You're the one who rushed us."
"And this is why we don't piss off Terasakas in the wild." Itona said.
"And I still have no idea who you are."
"I'm an enigma, wrapped in mystery, wrapped in a taco." Itona said.
Yikes, it was time to try and break some of the tension. "I really like the word clusterfuck. Does anyone else really like the word clusterfuck?"
Well, that shut everyone up. Mission accomplished?
"Clusterfuck seems to perfectly define the situation here." Takebayashi said, adjusting his glasses. Several others nodded.
"Well, time for some music. ON THE ROAD AGAIN!" I bellowed.
"You could just turn on the damn radio." Yoshida said, hands pressed over his ears. Ok, yeah, that was a solid point.
"So I'm stuck in a car with the morons who broke my phone, punched me in the face, threw me in a trunk, and kidnapped me." Asano said.
"Technically it was only one idiot that did all of that." Hazama said.
"And we have no idea where we are, where we're going, and how to get back?"
"Pretty much." Hara said.
Asano sighed. "Well isn't that just great."