Chapter 6
Lena carelessly tossed her phone on the counter after hanging up. Alex was on her way.
She grasped the letter between her trembling fingers, the strength in her grip slightly wrinkling the paper. Lena had just finished reading it when Alex called, and now she was just staring at the familiar handwriting, with her brain still processing the meaning of the carefully written words. She felt empty and incomplete, as if by reading it something had been snatched from her. The realization that what the letter had expressed across the white space had been everything she had yearned to hear was heartbreaking. Those were the words she had always wished for Kara to tell her, but with the tint of desperation, a last plea. In a different circumstance Lena would be jumping from happiness and delight, but now, in the solitude of her empty penthouse, she felt as if her very soul was being ripped piece by piece.
Her eyes stung; staring for so long without blinking… her eyes should be getting dry. Or so she thought, before her vision blurred and drops of tears marred the ink on the paper.
It had been a busy day for her; between members of the board being jerks and supervising the progress on her projects, she was exhausted. Lena had arrived home late. She didn’t want to go to her penthouse, but she had spent the night at the office and was in need of a proper rest. With time, Kara had taken some of her stuff to Lena’s place, given that she used to stay there for sleepovers very often. Lena used to love having a part of Kara and her influence show in the place, as it gave a homely feeling, but now she resented the idea of going home at all because every little thing, such as the blanket she kept in the couch, the soft pajamas in her closet or the pair of matching mugs on the counter, reminded her of Kara and by consequence, the lies and betrayal.
Lena had tiredly open the door, sleep being the only thing in her mind, but upon entering her penthouse she was met with a folded paper resting on top of the kitchen counter with a single word visible on it.
Lena…
She inhaled sharply. Lena knew who had placed it there even before she grabbed it. The whole building was protected by the best of agents and the most effective security system money could buy (with a few modifications of her own, of course), and she hadn’t received any notification of a breach. That left only one person capable of entering her home like that, most likely through the balcony, Kar— Supergirl. Lena had checked the balcony door in search of any damage and found that, in fact, the door had been forced. The wielded metal part locking the glass door in place had been ripped easily as if it was play-doh, probably by super strength. Lena scoffed; she would send Kara an order to pay for the damage. Maybe she’d venture to sue Supergirl for the breach too. And of course she’d have to find out how she managed to not trigger the alarms.
Lena’s eyes landed on the letter again. The first instinct that kicked was to throw it away and keep pretending she didn’t care about that woman like she’d done the past days, pretending not to miss her best friend, the owner of her heart… but then she thought better of it and reached for the folded paper. After all, if Supergirl had gone through the trouble of breaking in, then it had to be important.
Nothing could have prepared her for it.
She took her time reading it, and every line made her heart clench, the turmoil of emotions inside her made it difficult to breath. She didn’t know what to think. Lena hadn’t expected any of this to actually happen. She had believed that the hurtful words she said in a fit of anger would only keep Kara at arm’s length, not… not this! But then again, the universe loved proving her wrong.
Alex said she’d be there in fifteen before Lena hung up, so that left her some time. Lena lowered the letter and walked to the cupboards, ready to pull out a bottle. She thought of Kara and how she despised seeing her bury her problems in alcohol. Lena sighed; she closed the cupboard and decided it was best to not drink that night. If it wasn’t for her health, at least she would do it for Kara. Upon reading the letter, all the hatred she felt, all the bad emotions she felt towards Kara had vanished just like she did, because Lena had finally opened her eyes. She finally understood. Lena took a deep breath, releasing it with a wet self-deprecating laugh.
She had messed up good.
Taking the letter with her, she slumped on the couch. A box of tissues was on the coffee table in front of her, and a part of her wanted to reach out for one and wipe the smeared makeup, but she couldn’t find the strength to move. She roughly wiped the tears with the back of her hand.
“I’m sorry…” she whispered to the air. She hoped that the words would somehow reach Kara.
Lena covered her face with her hands, her soft sniffs were the only sound in the room. She didn’t have the right to cry, she was the reason all this was happening in the first place. Having her heart breaking a second time is the least she deserved, right? She closed her eyes for a while, tying to keep her sobs in control. The weight of regret was heavy on her heart.
She didn’t know how much time had passed, could be second or hours, before her phone ringed again, she knew it was Alex. The device was still in the same place she had tossed it, on the counter. Lena really couldn’t bring herself to stand up and reach for it, and in that moment she felt glad to be a tech genius.
“Hope, please connect the call, put it on speaker.” She said to the room. The AI was quick to respond and do as it was asked. Lena was proud of herself for having the brilliant idea of installing Hope in the penthouse.
“Lena? I’m here, but your guards won't let me through, can you tell them to let me in?”
“Yeah,” Lena’s voice was hoarse, if it was for the crying or her bottled emotions she couldn’t tell. She cleared her throat before continuing, “give me a second.” The call was ended and Lena told Hope to notify the guards to grant Alex access to the building.
//
Alex had run all the way to Lena’s building and hadn’t stopped for anything, not even to catch her breath. Good thing she was a trained agent and her endurance was one to be admired. The guards at the entrance stopped her in her tracks, making her call Lena to allow her entrance. While waiting for Lena’s security team to let her in, she tried calling Kara, only for the voice on the other side of the line to tell her that the number had been deactivated.
“What the—” She dialed the number again only for the same default voice answering.
One of the guards, a buff guy with a beard, told her they had to check for weapons and do other security protocols. Alex was getting exasperated and was this far of punching her way in. The entire situation was putting her on edge and she needed answers. Was her little sister okay? Where was she and why the hell was she gone all of a sudden? She arrived at the door, but didn’t wait for an invitation, barging into the place. Luckily the door was unlocked, otherwise she would have kicked it down like the one in Kara's apartment.
“Lena!” She found the woman on the couch, staring at nothing in particular. She looked bad, almost as if her very soul had abandoned her body. Alex ran to her, kneeling by her side. “What happened?” She was trying to be gentle, but couldn’t hide the demand in her voice. "Where's Kara?"
Lena got out of her trance and looked Alex directly into her eyes. She spoke softly, so low that Alex almost didn’t catch it. “I know, Alex… about Kara’s—” She took a deep breath and struggled to not break down into sobbing. “I know who she is.” she finally said.
Alex knew exactly what she was referring to, and couldn’t hide a grimace. “Oh…”
“She’s gone because of me… It’s all my fault Alex, i’m so sorry!” Tears were now rolling down her cheeks freely, her efforts to wipe them away with her hands were useless. In that moment Lena Luthor looked so vulnerable, Alex couldn’t just stare and do nothing.
“Hey… Hey… it’s okay, i’m here.” She carefully wrapped her arms around Lena, slowly rocking her side to side, trying to offer some comfort. She had done the exact same thing for Kara many, many times. Without completely letting go, Alex reached for the box of tissues and handed it to Lena. She noticed a sheet of paper resting on the table but paid it no mind, her main concern was the woman crying in her arms. Of course she was worried about Kara’s whereabouts, but Lena was in no shape to talk, so the first thing in the list was to help her calm down. Alex felt bad for Lena, seeing a woman such as her cry like this, lose her cool like this… it was concerning. Alex held her, whispering soothing words until the sobbing stopped.
Lena broke the hug, ashamed that Alex had to pacify her. She hadn't allowed anyone to hold her besides Kara; having Alex do it with such care and without hesitation, somehow made her feel worse, because she knew Alex was a tough person who wouldn't do that for just anyone. Knowing that Alex cared for her hurt Lena, because she knew that she was about to lose that... She sniffed, without any words she reached for the letter and handed it to Alex, but she couldn’t meet her eyes, the guilt was just too much. She mentally prepared herself for the storm that was about to unleash.
Alex took the paper, concerned, and immediately recognized her sister’s handwriting. She looked at Lena, expecting an explanation, but she only recieved silence. Hesitation formed inside her, did she really wanted to read it? The feeling of dread making her stomach squirm, what if it was one of those letters? She braced herself for the worst and began reading. Her eyes opened wider the further she went through the text.
It read:
I know that you don’t want to know about me anymore and i’m sorry to bother you again, but this will be the last time, i swear. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what you said, and i realized that you were right, as always. I only harm those around me, and i am deeply sorry that they had the bad luck to have ever encountered me. That includes you.
I went to your office at L-Corp, i wanted to it doesn’t matter why. I hoped that i could avoid you being there, but i guess luck wasn’t on my side; i saw you crying by the balcony door. I know it was because of me. I’m sorry. Seeing you cry, Lena, it made me realize just how much i had hurt you and gave me the final push i needed.
I want you to know that i’m leaving and won’t be coming back, ever. This is the best for everyone. I don’t have the guts to tell Alex, and i am in no right to ask anything from you, but i do beg you to tell her that, wherever i am, i'll be safe. I don’t want her to worry too much. I’m sure she will try to find me, but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter what she do, you won’t see me again.
By the time you read this I’ll be gone already, but i want you to know everything.
There’s a reason why i lied, why i hid who i was from you.
After all i did to you this is the least you want to hear, but Lena… I love you, in a way i’ve never loved anyone before, so much it hurts. I wanted nothing more than to protect you, but it is also true that i did it for myself. I was selfish and i can't deny it. You were the first person ever to see me only as Kara. Not Supergirl, not Zor-el, not Danvers. Just Kara, and it seemed like i was enough to you. I loved that. I was happy to be enough to someone, without being the ‘girl of steel’. I was thrilled that you, out of all people, liked me for being just me. You were so kind and beautiful… it wasn’t surprising of me, to fall in love with you, i mean, who wouldn’t? I know you don’t feel the same way, it's okay, and it’s foolish of me to even entertain the idea of you ever liking me like that. I wanted to be a part of your life in any capacity i could, and if it was only as a friend… well, i was happy with it. I wanted to tell you about my secret, but i was afraid you’d push me away. I was scared that you'd stop seeing me as… well, me. So i kept pretending. And now you hate me for it. In the end i did lose you.
And you being a Luthor… don't get me wrong, i know you’re much more than that, i meant you have your own problems and have many attempts on your life because of it. Certainly you could do great without the new threats that follow anyone who knows of my identity. Every day i put my friends and family in danger. It’d only take a second of distraction, someone who puts two and two together, and one of my loved ones could be targeted to get to me. I didn’t want you to suffer that destiny too. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you… Lena you mean are the world to me. You were the love of my life, the one and only, i’m sure of it now.
Maybe if we had never met things would be different? Now i wish that we never crossed paths.
I did not write this expecting forgiveness from you, neither i expect it to justify my actions, but i did want to get everything out of my chest before leaving.
I love you Lena, and most certainly always will. No matter how hard i try to forget you, you will always be in my heart.
As a last favor, please burn this letter and keep going as if i never wrote it. If possible, forget i ever existed.
Again, i am so sorry. For everything. I hope you have a great life.
—Kara.
Alex stood up and let out a shaky breath. Still with the letter on her hand, she looked at Lena.
“Lena…” Her voice was cold. “What the fuck did you said to Kara?"
There it was, what Lena was afraid of. The protective Danvers who would fight whoever dared to hurt her sister. Lena still wouldn't meet her eyes. Alex probably wouldn't see her as a friend anymore, not after learning the truth, right? Better brace herself.
"Le—"
"I told her that…" Lena started, interrupting Alex. She struggled to get the words out. "I told her that she was a mistake. That she had played with me and fooled me." Her eyes were fixed on the floor while she spoke. "I told her… that she was dead to me." Somehow she managed to face Alex, looking into her eyes only for a moment before her eyes went down again. Lillian would be so disappointed if she ever knew her daughter had lowered her gaze. "I told her that she should just disappear…"
Alex reacted quickly. She grabbed Lena by the collar of her expensive shirt, not caring it was designer brand. "How dare you!?" she yelled. Alex was seething, she wanted nothing more to let her anger out on Lena, but she knew Kara would never forgive her if she dared to lay a finger on her.
“I was hurt!” Lena yelled back, “I discovered that you were all lying to my face, what the fuck did you expected me to do? Just laugh and pretend everything was okay? I don’t think so!” Lena shut her eyes, expecting a fist connecting with her face at any second. Instead she felt Alex roughly letting her go.
“I can’t believe it… How could you be so cruel?”
“I know what i said was wrong, but i didn’t expect her to actually leave!” Lena didn’t even bother to fix her shirt.
“You’ve known her for three years! You should’ve known that she would do anything to please you, damnit!” Alex ran a hand through her hair in frustration. Her eyes landed on Kara’s letter. “And now we know why. “ She picked up the paper from the ground where it had fallen and tossed it to Lena with anger. “She loved you. She did everything for you and you crushed her heart…”
The letter fell to the ground yet again. Lena stood up in anger. “You think i’m happy? That i wanted this to happen? Well i have news for you Alex, i love her too! That’s why i felt so hurt, that’s’ why i told her all those awful things! You think i don’t regret it?”
Alex was taken aback, she wasn't expecting that reaction, much less that confession. She was speechless. Part of her wanted to argue, but deep inside she knew the pain Lena was going through. She was conflicted, she wanted to hate Lena for hurting her sister, for ending up sending Kara away, but also Alex couldn't bring herself to do it. Alex looked aside, unable to come up with a remark. She stayed silent, not wanting to put blames in the air, but she wouldn't apologize either.
"I just— i wish i could take back everything i said…" Lena sounded so defeated… she pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming.
"I uh… i guess that explains why her number doesn't work anymore…" Said Alex, trying to subtly change the subject.
Lena's eyes snapped to Alex. "Oh…" was all she said.
//
After so much emotional exhaustion, Alex and Lena were both sitting at the couch, bonding over feeling awful you could say. Despite deciding earlier that she wouldn’t drink, Lena knew they couldn't go through the night being sober, and so she pulled out the bottle out of the cupboard. Alex silently thanked her.
If she had known that the impact her words, blinded by rage and hurt, would have brought this in the future… well, at the moment it would have been great, but now it was…
Lena sighed, regretting every choice in her life.
If the consequences of her own acts were whispered to her back then... she would certainly have just brushed them off. She knew she would have been stubborn even if the warnings came with anticipation, because that was just the way she was. And the price she had to pay, the debt for all of her sins, had finally reached her. Was she really a bad person? She felt like she deserved everything that happened to her. Funny how Kara would be the first one to tell her otherwise. But that’s the thing; Kara wasn’t there, not anymore, and it was all her fault. Kara had left that letter to let her know that she would abide Lena's wishes and vanish her existence from the world.
Lena felt like an idiot.
“Fuck…" Alex said.
“What now?" Lena passed her the bottle after taking a swing from it.
“It just dawned on me that she's really gone…" Alex swallowed; her eyes were bright with unshed tears."I mean, i know she’s not dead but…” she shakily sighed. “You know, i suspected that something was going on when Kara told me how much she loved me at every chance she had. She asked me to do a sister's night out of nowhere and i… i went out with Kelly instead!" She sat up straight, looking at Lena. "But how the hell was i supposed to know that she planned to leave, huh?!" Lena took the bottle from Alex as she stood and started pacing. "You should have seen her eyes, Lena… she was so sad and i still told her i couldn't hang out with her. She was acting all weird, i should have known! I’m her sister, for fuck's sake!"
Lena stood up and firmly grabbed Alex by the shoulders, forcing her to stop in her tracks. “Listen to me, and listen closely.” She said while looking directly into Alex’s eyes, wanting the message to be clear. “It’s not your fault, Alex. There is no way you could have known, okay?”
That was it. Alex bursted out sobbing. All of her emotions, those that have been bottled for so long, had finally found a way out. The tough woman had finally reached the point of breaking down, but luckily for her, Lena was there to help pick up the pieces.
//
Tears had calmed down after a few hours. Both of them were sitting on the couch once again, trying to find a solution. Both of them were exhausted, but what else would you expect?
“Why didn't you tell me? Why did you all had to keep it from me?" Lena whispered, there was so much hurt in her voice. She sounded so defeated.
“It wasn't our secret to tell. But you have to know that Kara did wanted to tell you many, many times, she just… you know she had her reasons." Alex said with a hand on Lena's shoulder, in an attempt to reassure her.
“Things would be different if—" Lena’s words died in her mouth. She sighed. "I guess… there's nothing we can do about that anymore. Do you have any idea where Kara could've gone?"
“Not really. With those superpowers she could be at the tip of Mount Everest for all we know." Alex pulled out her phone and walked to the corner of the room. "But damn right i’ll try to find her. I'll call the others. Try and see if you can track her somehow."
Without any other words Lena went to retrieve her laptop from the home office and started searching in her files, looking for what exactly? She didn't know, but it was better than doing nothing at all.
What a day huh?