Carson
It is strange to pack her things in boxes, not that they have much. Maybe what really is strange is to leave the shelter because it’s the only place they have called home since they came to Rockford.
“Did you make these?” Greta asks, bringing them back to the present.
Grata is looking at her notebooks of draws. Carson knows they are not good and suddenly it makes them feel embarrassed that the other had found them and are looking at them like they are paying attention to every little detail. Carson knows they are not good, but drawing is a way for them to relax, to communicate and express. They may not be good, but they won’t ever stop doing it.
“Yes”, Carson can see that Greta is looking at one draw they made about the team. “They are just drafts, i know i’m not good at it, but i like drawing, it makes me relax and i just love doing it…”
“Are you kidding?” Greta cuts them off. “How can you say they are not good? They are amazing”, she prizes them.
“Greta is the right farm person, you definitely have a talent”, Jo agrees, looking at the draws as well.
“Well, thank you, i don’t know what to say. My dad and Meg never liked my drawings, they said it was a waste of time, i’m pretty sure Meg broke a lot of them on more than one occasion, so…”
“I’m really glad you don’t live with them anymore”, Max says honestly.
“Me too”, they share the feeling.
“And they were wrong, this is not a waste of time”, Greta assures them and gives them back their notebook.
Carson feels emotional. Their supportive words warm them inside out. They never have a family that supports the things they like doing. They’ve never understood how they could lose themselves in the stories they read, how they like expressing themselves by drawing and painting, how they love playing baseball… that’s probably why they usually feel so unsure of themselves.
They need to work on their confidence. They hope the team can help with that.
“What’s with the lamp?” Max asks, watching as they carry it like it’s the most important thing they have.
“It’s a christmas present from Bob”, Carson answers.
“Wait, you mean Bob the homeless man who sleeps in the corner?” Max wonders. That’s the only Bob they know.
“Yes”, they nod. “He was the first friend i made here, probably because i always buyed him some books. He always has the most rare stories i have never heard of, so interesting. On christmas i brought him soup and we have dinner together on the street, before i left he gave the lamp as a present”
Max looks at them with a special interest. Carson almost knows what they are thinking. Gracie and Bertie had invited them to spend christmas with them, but they didn't accept because they were spending it with their entire family. That probably includes Max and their parents. Carson didn’t want to feel like they were intruding, so they chose not to go.
“You’re a strange person Carson Shaw”, it’s what Max finally says.
“Yes, i heard that lot of times”, Carson says.
“Me too” Carson likes Max. They feel like they are going to be good friends. “Now come on, let’s take your things to the car”
When everything is saved in the car, Carson says goodbye to the shelter’s staff and the women they were there at the moment.
The peaches give them a simple welcome and Carson is glad they didn’t make their move a big deal. They don’t like being the center of attention.
They get to share a room with Shirley. The room is big and bright. Carson accommodates their things in the space it has given to them. They have a bed, a desk and half of a closet. Once they finish they lay on the bed and take a couple of deep breaths as they watch the ceiling. This can be their home if they work on it.
Sharing a room with Shirley it’s interesting. They get along pretty soon and kind of understand each other because they both deal with anxiety. Shirley takes it to another level though. Where Carson rumbles awkwardly not making sense, Shirley tends to feel the silences with statistics and strange data. And where Carson is innocently curious and takes things literally, Shirley is conspiracy curious and takes things like they have a hidden meaning.
They are on the third day by living in the team’s house, when something wakes them abruptly. Someone is grabbing her arms to make them stop moving and they are shouting their names in their faces. Is Shirley, Carson can see her freaking out because they are not reacting, they can’t even hear her.
All of sudden Shirley throws a glass of water on their faces and that takes them out of their panic. They start breathing normally again and because they can they remember their nightmare. It was Charlie dying and dying over again.
“I’m sorry for waking you up like this”, Shirley apologizes. “But you’re gonna be late to the practice if you don’t wake up”
“Is okay”, Carson understands.
“You know most people who wake up in a panic state after a nightmare is because they have been through big traumas in their lives”, Shirley states. Of course she would say something like that and of course that it’s true.
“Right”, they take a deep breath and start to calm down. “Can you please not ever wake me up like that please?”
“Yes, sure”, Shirley accepts.
The following practice is hard. It feels like Dove keeps sabotaging them somehow and Carson is starting to get tired of his actitudes. Lots of his drunk actitudes remind them of their father and that makes it even harder.
“Hey, i don't think you should keep doing that Dove’s move”, Carson suggests to Lupe.
Lupe has been practicing Dove’s move to throw balls and is really struggling with it. For what they see, the way he has to use his hand to do the move is making their arm hurt.
“Why?” Lupe asks, abruptly stopping what they are doing.
“I think it is hurting your arm”, they point out.
“No, t’is not. You don’t know anything”, Lupe denies.
“I know what i see and i see the way you try to flex your hand to try to relieve the pain after every time you throw the ball doing Dove’s move”, they let him know.
“My arm is fine, you are not a pitcher so you can’ tell if it hurts me or not, or if i’m making the moves right or wrong”, they say in a defensive way.
“Lupe…”, they start.
“You can’t tell me what to do”, he cuts them off and pushes them as he tries to get away from them.
“Wait”, they asks.
In their frustration that they could not reach him, they grabbed him by the arm to stop him from getting away. Carson wants to work this out with Lupe. They are worried about him in a genuine way and not because they want to command him.
But it is evident that Lupe understands them the wrong way, because suddenly he pushes them hard and they both fall to the ground. Lupe keeps trying to hit them in any part they can’t reach and they fight back.
The fight stops when their teammates get to them and separate them. No one is amused, except maybe Dove who laughs. As punishment he expels the training of that day.
“What’s wrong with you?” Carson asks Lupe as they get to the locker room.
“What’s wrong with me?! What’s wrong with you?! You are the one who wants to keep bossing me around!”, Lupe explode.
“I’m not bossing you, I’m trying to help”, they point out.
“Well, maybe i don’t want nor i need your help”, Lupe says rudely. “Haven’t you thought about that?”
Lupe grabs his bag and leaves the locker room.
Carson gets into a shower and tries to calm down. They let the water run and take out all the tension they have accumulated. Is Lupe right? Maybe they are too intense, too annoying… But they aren’t intentionally trying to bother the other, they just really care. Because they want the team to be better and for that to happen they need to care about everyone. Perhaps it is not their place nor their responsibility, but is the only thing they know how to do.
“Don’t worry about Lupe, he is rude with everyone”, Shirley tells them, when they are back at their room.
“I don’t think they are rude, they might act rude with me sometimes but they are not rude”, Carson expresses their opinion.
“What i mean is they are hard and to get past to see their soft and good side you have to win his confidence first”, Shirley says thoughtfully.
“Then i will have to keep trying”,
At dinner things have calmed down. Lupe keeps avoiding them, so Carson chooses to respect that and copy their strategy. They are going to try to let him be. But when the team starts talking and complaining about Dove they can’t not be present, not when they believe him is mostly the reason why they aren't winning.
“Can’t believe we have the worst coach in the history of universities”, Jess says frustrated.
“We could be so much better if it weren’t for him”, Max expresses their opinion.
“Is like he wants to see us fail, he wants us to lose”, Jo is so tired.
“And the way he is always drunk at practices and matches? So annoying”, Esti disapproves.
“I wish there was something we could do”, Maybelle hopes.
“Well you know what they say? The players make the manager, not the other way around”, Carson intervenes. Everyone is looking at them like they have grown a second head, they don’t get what they are trying to say. “We don’t even need Dove, we just need to practice more”, they explain better.
“Shaw, that’s it”, Greta agrees.
“Wait, what does it mean?”, Shirley asks, still confused.
“Tonight the peaches fly”, Greta says happily, standing up from her seat. “Or not fly, what does a peach do?”
“Fall from the three”, Jo suggest.
“Finally rapen”, Maybelle says.
“That’s it”, Greta accepts.
“Let’s go team”
Carson makes them take the bikes and drives them to the community center field. At night it is closed, so they have it all for them. They have a great time practicing, it's like the first time they feel like they are really training. They spend one hour doing moves, steals and working on strategies; and another hour practicing how to bat. At the end they all decide that they will do this three times a week.
On one of the night practices Carson finds themselves laying on the grass with Greta. They are stargazing and Carson decides to share with her the game of finding forms in the stars.
“That looks like a rooster, right?”, Greta says pointing to a group of stars in the sky. “Those two stars there are the neck thing or whatever it calls, you would know”
“Right. For the last time, i’m not from a farm, okay? Idaho have actually towns”, Carson explains.
“Ohh”
“It’s the barbet”, they finally say and they both laugh.
“You knew”, Greta says amused.
“Mi mom used to make up constellations”, Carson is not sure why they have the need to talk about their mom, but the stars always remind them of her.
“Yes?”, she asks curiously.
“Yes, she said that what you see in the stars says a lot as who you are as a person”, They remember. “That one kind of looks like a clam with a machine gun”
“Okay, what would she say that says about you?” Greta wonders.
“I have no idea. She left when i was ten, pretty broke my dad, and now i’m doing the same”, suddenly they feel a sadness over taking them. Their dad hates them just like they hate their mom.
“Just because you are married, doesn’t mean you can’t have a dream”, of course Greta would think this is about Charlie, but it’s not. It’s about how she disappointed all her family by being a lesbian.
“You don’t get it. I’m so much like her. I’m selfish”, they try to explain. Their dad and sister have asked her not to make a big deal about Charlie’s death. But she couldn’t. Charlie deserved justice and they deserve to mourn in peace, and maybe that made her selfish, but whatever…
“The stars can’t tell you that you’re selfish”, Greta doesn’t accept their moping. “You are actually just really showfish”, she tries to cheer them up.
“No, you are right”
“I know”
“I have to face reality”, they say and roll in the grass to be face to face with Greta.
“That you are just a plain old showfish”, Greta jokes.
“Showfish”, they repeat, lighting up.
“I know it’s terrible, you have to…”, Greta starts.
“Hot dog”, Jo interrupts them and falls between them.
The intimate moment it’s broken, but Carson feels light about it. They are glad they could share something so personal with Greta and she was there for them. Greta made them feel heard and seen, made them believe that it’s okay to be them. And at least for a moment, to believe that, it felt fucking fantastic.