Carson
Carson goes to the Peaches match. They are not sure why they are doing it, but they do. Maybe it is the habit of doing it or maybe they just like torturing themselves…
The Peaches lose. No surprise there. But they spend all the match thinking about what moves or plays could be different for them to have a chance to win. They really try to stop, but they can’t. Being in their brain it’s really exhausting sometimes.
When the game is over, Carson goes to Dorothy’s. It’s the only bar in the city where they go because they feel safe there. Besides Vi, the bartender, it’s pretty good at small talks.
“What has you moping?” Vi asks as gives them their second beer.
“I’m not moping”, they answer too quickly and when they see Vi raising their eyebrows at them they know it was a mistake.
“I know you Carson and i know this is you moping”, Vi reminds them.
Vi entertain themselves by serving drinks to other costumbers. Carson takes a moment to enjoy the beer and gather their thoughts. They have been avoiding talking about baseball, specially with Bertie and Gracie, they didn’t want them to disappoint them or made them fight with Max, so they have been quiet and when they ask they had only say “i decided i don’t want to be in the team, i rather focus on ending my studies”. Maybe talking with Vi would be good, they are neutral in this and that’s what they need.
“I took a try-out to enter a baseball team”, Carson tells Vi when they come back.
“That’s amazing”, Vi is excited for them because they know how much they love baseball.
It would be amazing if they would have entered. Everything had felt so ironic since they left the Peaches baseball field that afternoon. They didn't know how much they wanted to be part of a tem until they went to the practice and when they finally figured it out that’s what they wanted, everything had gone wrong. They didn’t want them in the team. Fucking story of their life, not being wanted.
“They didn’t want me”, they confessed, their voice breaking a little at the sadness of having that feeling back.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not on the team, they didn’t want me to be part of it”, They try again.
“How can they not want you?” Vi looks really shocked.
“I don’t know, i guess i’m not good enough”, they raise their shoulders in defeat, maybe it’s time to let go of this topic, there’s nothing they can do to change it anyway…
“You’re more than enough darling”, Vi says seriously, knowing that’s the only tone that would get them through the other. “And not just because i’ve seen you play baseball and i know you are incredible talented, but you’re also a very good and kind person. If they can’t see that, it’s their loss”
Carson feels like crying. Vi’s words are full of fondness and honesty. But just because Vi believes doesn't mean they are true. And they don't know what to do with any of that.
They haven’t been enough for anyone in their life. Nor her mom, nor her dad, nor her sister, nor her school classmates, nor their town neighbors… Except Charlie. They had been enough got him just like he had been enough for her. There’s nothing relieving in knowing that. Charlie is gone forever and he is never going to come back.
“Thank you”, the least they can do is thank Vi for their kindness. They are going to realize they are wrong sooner or later, that Carson it’s not worth it, but till then they will hang on to their words…
Suddenly the doors of the bar open and the Peaches are getting into it. Of course they are coming to the bar, it’s where they like to celebrate. How could they forget that? Fuck, they need to go. Car pays for their beer and asks Vi to go out using the back door.
Once outside, without being noticed by any Peaches player they feel like they can breathe again. When they finally calm down they walk to the bus stop and checks the bus up. The bus is going to come in one our and a half. They take out a book from their bag and sit on the sidewalk to read it. Losing themselves in fiction to avoid her problems seems like a good idea… besides reading is the only way they know how to kill time.
Little Women is one of their favorite books. It was actually the first novel they had read when they were twelve and had loved it since then. It’s a comfort story for them and they can get lost in the story pretty easily no matter how many times they read it. They love Jo’s journey…
What Carson hasn’t been expecting is to be found by some Peaches players. Surprisingly they treat them with kindness, which makes them confused after how things turned out in the practice. They offer to drive them, but they don’t accept, they can’t accept because they don’t want them to know where they live and feel sorry for them.
The next time they see a Pitcher player it’s at the Community Center. They are collecting the baseball balls in a bag, when the voice of Greta calling her name makes her release the bag. Shit, that’s embarrassing. How does Greta know that they volunteer here?
“Hey Greta”, They greet her as they start collecting the balls once again.
“Let me help you”, Greta says.
Greta helps them collect the balls. They work in silence and before they know everything is picked up.
“Thank you”
“You’re welcome”
This is getting a little ridiculous. Carson doesn't understand what Greta is doing in the community center, nor why she helped them. And her calmly silence it’s not helping them to control their nerves.
“What are you doing here?”, they finally took courage to ask.
“I need your help”, she informs.
“With what?”, they take a moment to think and can’t find anything in what the other would want their help.
“Ana is injured and can’t play for like a month, we need someone to fill the catcher position and you are the only person we can think of”, she says directly. Greta thinks the best is to be honest to not make the other have doubts.
“I thought that none of you want me in the team”, they don’t understand why they are looking for their help and feel like a big weight is being thrown at them again. Illusions can hurt.
“You’re a great player Shawn and for what i saw here a great teacher as well”, Greta prizes them, making them blush. “I’m sorry that the practice went wrong the other day. I don’t want to give you excuses because we were rude, but the way you played? Your competitive attitude? All that made us realize that we forgot how much we like to win”, she tries to explain the best way she can.
“I get it”, they finally say after they take a moment to think about Greta’s explanation and it actually makes sense. They still don’t like the way the players have treated them, but they get where they were coming from. “But i’m not, i’m…”
Come on, say it. Just say that you are not good enough, that you are not made for a team or happiness, that good things usually don’t come your way…
“We need you”, she pleases.
“I’m not sure that’s could ever be right”, they shake their head, finding the idea absurd.
“Look, at least can you think about it? You can try and play until Ana is better and if you don’t like being in the team then you can leave”, it is evident that she is doing everything she can to convince them. They don't get why someone would think they are worth their time to do that. But here they are.
“Okay, i’ll think about it”, they agree.
“Can i cut your hair?” Greta asks, confusing them for the change of topic.
“What?”
“I think it’s taking you down and I’m good at doing hair cuts”
“Okay”
Carson has been thinking about cutting her hair a lot of times since she’s in Rockford, but hasn't done it. They are not good at finding a hair salon they like and trust with their hair. But for some strange reason, Greta gives her confidence.
They go to an empty room in the center. Carson gets some scissors and gives them to Greta. She works her hair slowly and softly. It feels totally intimate and that gives them goosebumps. It’s nice to see Greta concentrate on a task. Carson has not felt this fascinated by anyone in a very long time.
“There, beautiful”, Greta appreciates once she decides the cut is finished.
“Thank you”, they thank her, really liking the result as they check themselves in the mirror.
Carson can’t believe how good the haircut looks on them. They feel like them. It blows their mind that something so simple and little, can mean so much. How could Greta know this was something they needed? They have no idea, but they are glad she did.
They exchange their cell phone numbers and Greta asks that they text their about their decision at least one day before the game. They leave the community center and walk a block together. Jess is waiting for Greta in the car and Carson is going to the bus stop.
“Can we drive you this time?” Greta offers when they reach Jess's car.
“No, you’re going back to the center of Rockford and i’m going to Roscoe”, they explain.
“The bus again?”
“Story of my life”
They laugh.
“You live near the bookstore where you work?” She wonders.
“How do you know i work in a bookstore?” They are surprised the other knows something personal about them.
“Because of Max. First we went looking for you there and Gracie told us about the community center”, she lets them know.
“I live seven blocks from there”, they decide to answer the first question.
They say goodbye and Carson goes to the bus stop. The book they choose to read this time is the boy who steals houses. They get lost in the story, until the bus comes…
Carson makes a list about pros and cons of agreeing to join the team. They put everything they can think of in it. There are more pros than cons.
But are they ready to confront the team once again? They all look like nice people, but they haven’t been nice to them in the practice they shared. Should they give them another chance?
That night they send a text to Greta agreeing to take Ana’s place until she gets better.
The day of the game they feel like a ball of nerves, ready to explode at any moment. They barely survive until the time they meet with the team.
The reunion it’s awkward, but they apologize to them and they accept them because that’s the only way they can go on and move forward. And most importantly go out to the field and play the game.
They give her a uniform with the number 10 in the back. Carson sits down at the bench in the locker room and appreciates the uniform. They are marveling at it. They can’t believe it’s theirs, that they are about to play a baseball game, that this is part of their lives.
“You okay there?” Max calls their attention.
“Yes, i am”, they nod.
The game is not that bad. Carson adapts quickly to the team and their dynamic. What they can’t adapt about it’s about how they always make the wrong choices in every play. Carson tries to make them change strategies or movements, but of course the others choose to follow Dove’s indications, he is the coach after all.
The result is not that uneven, but they lose.
Carson feels a little disappointed, but the team is celebrating anyway and their joy is contagious. They invite them to join them at the after game party at Dorothy’s.
“I’m sorry for not following your signs”, Max apologizes and offers her a drink.
“It’s okay, Dove is the coach, not me”, they understand.
“For what it’s worth it, i think the game would have gone better if i would follow your lead and not his”, Max says honestly.
Strangely enough, Carson has thought the same. They felt frustrated during the game with Dove’s calls. It’s like he almost wanted for them to lose.
Max introduces them to her girlfriend and they chat for a while. They talk about the university’s classes they are taking and what they are doing in their free time.
Then Max and Esther go to dance. Carson watches them, happy that they can love each other freely. At one moment Greta steals their drink and takes a sip. Carson feels enchanted by the gesture. Greta bites one of the lemons of their drink and they blush as they imagine her biting other things. Then she is gone too, gone to dance with Jo. The way they dance together it’s funny, you can tell they are great friends.
Carson takes a moment to look at every Peach. They all look happy. They are all queer and none of them is afraid to show it. It feels amazing to be in this group of people. Maybe this could be a nice place to belong, with them.
“I need to talk to you about something”, Greta tells her, disrupting the thread of their thoughts.
“Okay”
“We need a more private place for it”
Greta takes their hand and guides her through the bar, until they get to the deposit.
“Come here”, Greta says, letting her into the deposit and closing the door behind her.
“What did you want to tell me?” They wonder.
Suddenly Greta’s hands are on her face and she puts them softly into a kiss. It’s surprising, but it feels nice. The kiss makes them confirm that they are attracted to the tall woman.
The kiss lasts too little for their taste and they find themselves wanting more. They look at Greta into her eyes and can sense that the attraction they feel is reciprocal.
They decide to be brave for once and take a chance. They kiss Greta again.
This time the kiss it’s intense and passionate. They let each other taste their tongues and their breaths. It’s perfect, until Greta pulls away and gives her a strange look, like she has figured out something Carson doesn’t know.
“I thought so”, it’s what she says.
Then, she is gone.