Carson
Happiness is a strange feeling. Carson has learned that a long time ago.
Sometimes they wonder if they are ever gonna be happy, if happiness exists and if it does exist if it is gonna be in their cards. How can Carson be happy after everything they have been through in their life?
The abandonment of their mother.
Meg’s indifference and passive-aggressive treatment.
His father’s drinking and absence.
Charlie’s tragic death.
Her father’s and her sister's rejection after they had shown their true self.
Their scape.
And now they are here, in Rockford. One year ago they had taken a chance when they had escaped and buyed the ticket that would take her the far away it could from Idaho. They spend the morning at Rockford University, taking literature classes, and during the afternoons they work at a bookshop and volunteer in a community center.
Their life is simple. They are comfortable in their routine, might be starting to enjoy it because they love books and baseball… but real happiness? That’s another story.
The bell rings announcing there’s a new customer, so they leave the book they are reading and pay atention. They know the woman that has entered is Clance’s friend. They take a moment to think of their name, until it comes.
“Hey Max”, They greet the woman. “How are you? Can i help you with something?”
“Hi Carson”, Max greets back. “I didn’t know you worked here”.
“Ohh, well, i do monday to friday, during the afternoons. I have to pay for my education and Rockford University is expensive, so this helps. And i love books, and Gracie is one of the best persons i have the pleasure of meeting here, she is so nice and kind, it’s actually nice to spend time here”, They rumble, feeling awkward about explaining too many things at the time.
“You know Gracie is the couple of my uncle Bertie”, Max says, like it is something exciting to share.
“Bertie is your uncle?! Wow that’s amazing, i love him and Gracie, they are great” Carson expresses honestly. “Such a small world”.
How did they not know all these connections before? Carson knows Clance from the community center, who is Max’s best friend; Gracie from the bookstore and Bertie from the shelter. It's like they were destined to meet Max.
“You said you study at Rockford University, what are you studying?” Max asks.
“Literature, i love reading, writing and books in general so much that it was like an obvious choice for me, you know?”, They answer and stop themselves before they can start rumbling about books. They already rumble with Max, they shouldn’t do it again. When they are going to learn to stop talking to not be seen as strange? “What about you? What are you studying besides being in the Rockford Peaches team?”
“Sport journalism”. That sounds nice. Carson starts thinking about what a journalist does and tries to imagine all the classes they must have, they probably have some in common like english, language practices, writing and storytelling… “How do you know i play on the Rockford Peaches team?” Max brings her back to the present.
“I went to watch some of your games”, They admit, feeling like blushing of the embarrassment they feel.
“Cool, so you are like a fan”, Max says more to herself than from Carson, but they still nod with their head. They love baseball and like watching the Peaches games. They have been doing it since they started studying at the university. “Then i have a proposal for you. We are looking for a catcher and i think you would be perfect for it”,
“What? Why? How?” Carson really doesn’t know what to say. They haven’t expect that
“I know you play baseball, i saw you play in the community center and i know you are really good”, Max explains. “Look, just think about it and if you want you can come to the next practice we have so we can try how you get along with the team and the game”, they try to convince her.
Max asks for her cell phone number and texts her the baseball practice schedule. Then they are gone, before Carson can even say goodbye.
Carson thinks about baseball all day. Thinking doesn’t help though, they don’t know what to do. They haven’t been looking for an opportunity like this one. So, should they try or not?
“Are you okay?” Gracie asks them, when the shift of the day ends and they close the book shop.
“Yes, just i have a lot to think about”
“Come on, let’s go to have dinner with Bertie and you can tell us all about what you had been thinking and worried all afternoon”, Gracie offers and chains her arm with theirs to guide their walk.
They look for Bertie at the shelter of Roscoe. Carson had got to know them from the shelter. They live in the shelter and Bertie works in it. Bertie and Gracie had offered them a room in their home a lot of times, but Carson had not accepted. They don’t want to invade their lives, nor put them in any kind of danger. The shelter is the safest place Carson can be. Still, Bertie and Gracie had become like a family to them and they will be forever grateful for the job they gave them at Gracie’s book shop. All the money they win by working in the book shop goes to pay for her university studies, which leaves them without anything to pay for a living place. But the shelter is good, the shelter is safe… there they can be no one and it’s most likely that neither Meg nor their father would go looking for her in a place like that.
“So, what is it that had you in all this thoughtful mood?” Bertie asks once they finished eating the pizza they had ordered for dinner. They chose pizza because it’s a comfort food for them.
“Your niece Max, they go to the same university i do, did you know that?”, they say, not sure of where exactly to start the conversation.
“I do, she is studying journalism”, he smiles, looking all proud of his niece. Carson smiles as well, they wonder what it must feel to have an adult referent in your family to be proud of yout achievements.
“Well they ask me to join the baseball team”,
“That’s amazing sweetie! You love baseball so much and you know i don’t understand a lot about the sport but the times i saw you play i can tell you play very good…” Gracie tells them with a lot of enthusiasm, until they realize the other looks more unsure than happy. “At least you don’t want to?” Now Gracie is just as unsure as them.
“I don’t know”, they don’t know how to explain everything they have been feeling since Max’s proposal.
“Would you like to try? Do you think you’ll like it and enjoy it?” The questions are right on point, looking to reach Carson’s state of mind. Bertie is expert in questioning them when they put themselves in this state of dissociation.
“I do, that’s why i don’t know if i should, i don’t know if it is in me to be happy”, they finally admit.
“Everyone deserves to be happy, you deserve to be happy”, Bertie it’s so confident about it that it is almost contagious.
“Besides you already play baseball in the community center and you work in my bookstore because you love books, those things don't make you happy?” Gracie interviene.
Happiness. Again with that word, with that feeling. Carson feels like she has been struggling with half of her life, and this last year has been one of the hardest. But Gracie is right, baseball and books make them happy. They way that they unconsciously incorporated them into their daily routine it’s what has helped them to stabilize their lives once again. They might not be entirely happy, maybe never will… but they are content with the life they are building in Rockford, satisfied with what they are doing and starting to be at peace when they find little moments that give them joy.
“I guess, you are right”, They agree.
“Then it’s okay to want to have one more things that makes you feel happy, the more things make you happy the better”, Gracie shares her opinion.
What do they lose by trying? Nothing, literally nothing. One of the things she loves most about Bertie and Gracie is that they make them have faith in themselves and make them believe they deserve good things and it’s okay to want them.
Carson thinks about baseball all weekend and when it’s finally time for the day of practice, they decide that they are going to try. As they walk from class to the baseball field they realize that they really want this and feel grateful that Max has taken a chance on them. If it were not for Max, they wouldn’t know how much they wanted to play baseball again as a player on a team and not just giving classes or as a hobby.
“Are you following us?” Jo asks them, cutting the step of their walk.
“No, no”
“Then what are you doing? Reading our backs?” Jo insists.
“I’m just going to the same place you are going”, they answer.
“To play baseball?” Greta is focusing all her attention on them and that makes them nervous. They love her red hair, it’s always so shiny and looks soft. It’s nice seeing it up close and not from a grandstand for once. Greta fakes a cough and brings them back to the moment. Right, they are not here to appreciate Greta’s beauty from a close up, they are here to play baseball.
“Yes”, they just nod.
“Are you Carson?” Jo says, apparently realizing who they are.
“I am”, they confirm. “And you are Jo and you are Greta”
“How do you know our names?”
“Well, i have watch some of your games”, they say in the simplest way they can.
“Cute”, Greta smiles and they think she probably has one of the most beautiful smiles they have ever seen. “It looks like we have a fan Jo. Come on, you can come with us”, she makes Jo pick up their bag so they can walk faster. They are late for the practice so they have to hurry up.
“Why is this so heavy? What do you carry to class?” Jo protests.
“Books”
“So you are kind of a bookworm?”
“If that means loving books and studying literature, then yes”, they try not to be offended about the label, some people use it in a good way anyway…
“Stop teasing her Jo”, Greta comes to their defense. “Where are you from?”, she changes the subject.
“Idaho”, they rather not think about that damned place, but it’s where they came from.
“So you are from a farm, that seems fitting”, she says looking at them from head to toe.
“I’m not from a farm, Idaho has cities you know?”, they don’t know why they feel important to clarify it, but they need to do it.
“Come on farm girl, keep the beat”, Jo hurries up. Jo and Greta are tall and walk fast, which makes it hard to follow them even if they are not the one carrying their bag anymore. It’s kinda embarrassing, they had always had an awkward walk. Running they can do just fine, but walking fast that’s a totally different topic.
“Person, not girl. And not from a farm”, they correct, because those things are really important to them.
“Interesting”, Jo stares at them with some kind of approval for the first time since they met. “I use all pronouns, but right now i’m mostly stuck with they/him”, he shares and Carson feels proud that something this important is being part of the conversation.
“You’re married”, Greta notes her wedding ring. Charlie and them had chosen their rings together, they made it gold with butterflies all around and rainbow colors on the inside. Is kinda childish, but they love how it perfectly represents their relationship. “Tell us about it”
“Well Charlie and I met when we were five years old, we grow up together, he was my best friend…”
“Boring”, Greta stops her. “Nothing against you, but i’m not interested in listening about heterosexuals marriages”, she explains. She is not exactly rude about it but neither nice.
“Oh, our marriage is not like that…”, they flinch at the idea of being related to the world heterosexual.
“It doesn’t matter, we’re here”, Greta cuts her off.
Greta is right, they are here. Carson takes a look at the field and can see that the team is already training. They watch every player doing their exercises and feel a knot form in her stomach. They are all so talented.
Well, not that talented. Carson watched all the 32 games they played last year, they lost 25 and won 7. But Carson admires them. They admire them for being semi-professional baseball players, for being open about their sexuality with the public and for celebrating the losses the same way as their wins. Their optimism was something incredible to observe. Carson probably needs some of it for her own life.
“So, you are ready?” Greta softly collides her arm with theirs, trying to catch their attention.
“You’re all so talented”, they appreciate looking at the team practicing.
“We are”, Greta agrees. “But why would you care about how everyone else is? Watch yourself ”, she advises, using a kind of bossy tone.
Carson feels like smiling and blushing at the same time. They probably look and sound like a mess, but Greta’s words enter and warms them, making them forget their worries for an instant. Confidence is so sexy.
“Yes, watch yourself”, Jo agrees with Greta.
“Yes, you guys are right, that’s the kind of confidence i need, i wish”
Carson follows Greta and Jo into the baseball field. It’s time to meet the team and see if they let them join them.