You have got to be. Freaking. Kidding me.
This.
An entire kingdom of Dwarves ran from this?
I don't.
What.
I can't.
It took about .15 seconds for Bilbo to have one of the most massive bfs in history, which, given his size and that whole Morgoth fellow as a contender is quite the accomplishment. Because after weeks of journeying through pure A GRADE bullshit he finds himself face to face with 'Smaug the terrible', and 'Oh shit, he's hot'he's about 90% sure that some bearded motherfuckers outside were doing the brown acid if they thought this pompous dickhole was anything bordering magnificent.
He's not even a 4. He's barely a 2. Well a 10 for sure, I mean like wow, look up at that superbly fine ass, he'd like to make his mountain less lonely if you knowwhatti*cough* ...but mostly he's a 2. He looks like a momma's boy or a fucking NERD.
Curly black hair with a boat coat and some manner of... neckerscarf? All the while sporting a positively weird looking dragon face man body combo. Or elf body. Either way he looks like someone glued species together blindfolded and prayed for the best.
He starts in on this I am fire, I am death bullshit, and it takes 2 seconds to burst out laughing and then break down crying, and then continue on that massive bf for the next few hours.
--
Outside thunder and lighting break the skies suddenly and without warning, and Thorin realizes for no apparent reason that he fucked up. Nope's chorus all around the group and the entire encampment backs slowly down the mountain in alphabetic order and into Laketown. This feeling of foreboding is not a dragon, but whatever the fuck it is is some bad shit coming and there is just no way....
–
Up on the slightly less lonely mountain a dragon named Smaug is falling more deeply in love than he ever had thought possible, especially given that he wasn't falling in love with himself. I mean, what's the deal with that? He's not even hot.
But this rage filled hissing and spitting little thing has Wyrmed (hehe, get it?) it's way into his heart and it's seriously grossing him out, but also turning him on. Like damn, he want's to mate with that and tirelessly rut to produce a clutch of short angry firebreathers that will probably practice Darwinistic Cannibalism until only the strongest is left and then love and raise that one remaining spawn with this exceptionally loud, loud though, like wow dude, he was sleeping, funny looking creature.
Smaug just can't get enough of how feisty this tiny little minx is, but if it keeps screeching like that it will wake up the landlady. So disappearing under a pile of gold he resurfaces with a plate of tea and pats a spot next to him for the small thing to sit down. It takes an awkward moment, but it does, and has itself a cup and a biscuit and has a deep breathe, but resolutely remains silent.
Smaug is about to break the silence when he breathes in and- It starts talking. It wont stop talking, so he listens.
The little thing's name is Bilbo, and it's had a very bad series of mondays it seems. First some crazy old dude shows up and then Dwarves follow later and eat his food and wreck his clean little hole, and to be honest Smaug's not too sure how that's a bad thing except maybe that they didn't use enough lube? But he's spared the saucy details of that endeavor, because apparently they convince him to go with him on a roadtrip with the tag line he's sure seems oddly familiar: 'Getting kidnapped by people, running from things, the family riches.' And he's just not sure why the hell you would agree to something like that, but it must have had something to do with getting his hole wrecked.
After that there is some business with trolls, because teenagers are idiots, and they somehow don't end up stew but do manage to become amateur sculptors, and pick up some serious bitchin swag. Apparently the Dwarves take the initiative to make fun of the size of his sword, which seems odd considering they'd had no problem invading, and wrecking his hole. He has to do a double take when Bilbo swears it glows in the dark when Orcs are ear, and Smaug is just so fucking confused....
It does not get any easier to follow when Bilbo starts going off about how he only agreed to be a Hobbit because some guy named Sherlock up and killed himself while they were both on a lease. Apparently owning a flat in someplace called London is super expensive, and his.. boyfriend? Left him covering the whole amount by himself. Or not boyfriend, because he swears up and down that he's not gay and repeats it 97 times during his tirade, so Smaug just assumes that he's whatever sexuality getting gangbanged by a group of male Dwarves is.
There's some shit about elves and a Bara, and orcs or Goblins...honestly he's not sure which is which or if they're both the same or something, but Eagles show up after a they lose a pinecone fight, and dump them on some big assed rock. Their leader says some shit about being an Eagle of the lord and raising them from perdition or some shit and they just kind of flutter off until a few episodes later for some more Ambiguously Gay Unresolved Sexual Tension. Except now they're stuck on a big fucking rock and they can SEE the goddamn mountain so why the fuck couldn't those winged dicks have given them a ride!?
There's another hug and some UST staring, but seriously no homo and they walk into these woods that change every few minutes. Eventually they get attacked by GIANT FUCKING SPIDERS, because alright, but ew, and after that David Bowie locks them up in his Dungeon. The specifics of getting out of said dungeon he mostly fazes out, but apparently there are two really hot chicks involved. There's some fish and a boat and Smaug isn't even paying attention anymore...and here they are.
Smaug has to admit that that is a shitty few weeks.
After tea Bilbo calms down, and Smaug offers him a pile of gold to nap on. Some things get settled, and Smaug explains that the Dwarves were hoarders and the previous Landlady wouldn't deal with it anymore and tried to evict them. Smaug had shown up a few weeks into his lease to fiind them all squatting there and had naturally told them to gtfo, hell, the town at the base of the mountain was on his front lawn. There was an entire civilization of people literally squatting on his lawn. Do you not see how weird that is?
They bond over their mutual apathy and distaste with other people's crap. Fall in love, and settle down nicely in the halls or Erebor. The Landlady in the basement brings them tea, and there's a gnome living in the storehouses named Jim who steals one sock every time they hang the laundry to dry. Jim's a dick.
Eventually they both just decide that everyone can go fuck themselves. Thorin tries to break in through the basement a few more times which results in him getting his ass lit on fire, but after running out of pants he gives up. Kili shows up a few years later with his Giant smoking hot ginger wife and their equally giant pile of babies and Bilbo has to hand him a bag of condoms and tell him to slow the fuck down. Gloin brings his son around and a few years later his son brings around his Giant smoking hot blonde wife, who they find out ten years later is actually his husband. Somehow they also come back with a giant pile of babies (and Bilbo and Smaug have just stopped asking questions by this point) who are somehow all hobbits. Which is apparently what you get when you crossbreed Dwarves and Elves. Which in hindsight..explains ALOT.
Smaug and Bilbo do that rutting thing Smaug was all over and sure enough there's a clutch several months later, a giant assed pile of firebreathing babies which seem very intent on eating eachother until there are only two left. Smaug thinks it's funny to name the one who ate the most of his siblings Hannibal the Cannibal, and laughs so hard that Bilbo ends up accidentally naming the second “Will you shut the fuck up please?' which they of course shorten to Will. It only takes a few years into their son's adulthood to realize that their sons are fucking eachother. And when Will pops up with a clutch of him own they both promptly tell them to get the fuck out and find their own mountain.
The weird squinty eagle from Bilbo's journey shows up one day with a man riding a Moose, and rents the sub-basement. There's some spoopy shit in the Sub-basement so they rarely ever interact.
Ultimately though, they're happy in their own crotchety ways. They live a long full life, and retire in a place called Mordor. After renovating it and evicting the former tenants as well as getting a restraining order for that creepy giant eyeball looking in their window every night they turn it into a series of intricate beehives, they even hire the spiders to take care of pests and intruders.
Bilbo never sees Gandalf again, he'd shown up in pleather and bondage gear one night ranting about mutants and how his boyfriend Charles needed him. Then he'd levitated into the sky after turning into Micheal Fassbender, and that had been that..