I Will Not
Steve arrived at the secret Avengers Mansion after his meeting and was thinking about his conversation with Erik. After the things Erik had said, Steve really was not sure about his decision of behaving distant towards Tony. He did not want to lose Tony forever; he just wanted to protect him. But who was he to decide if Tony didn’t want to be protected? He knew it was not his decision to make but he could not handle losing Tony. But as Magneto said, was it to right way to protect him or was he just putting him in more danger? He did not know.
He entered his room and put on his daily clothes. Where were the others?
“Jarvis, where are the Avengers?” He asked.
“There was a small SHIELD unit that was causing problem, sir.”
“Tony too?” Steve asked worriedly, it was too early for him to go into fights, especially when Steve was not there.
“No, sir. He is in his room.” Jarvis replied. Steve wanted to check up on him and make sure he was okay.
“I would not advise you to enter Mr. Stark’s room, Captain Rogers.” What was up with Jarvis now? He was making suggestions?
“Thanks for the advice, J.” He said, making his way upstairs. He heard some kind of metal song coming from his room. It was very loud, and there were giggling sounds. Steve ignored the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach and grabbed the door handle. Should he? Or should he just walk away? He processed all the things Magneto said and his own thoughts and made his final decision; he opened the door.
“Jesus, Tony.” He said uncomfortably as he saw two girls sitting on Tony’s lap, half naked. Steve covered his eyes as girls rushing to put on their bras and t-shirts.
“Come on, girls! I know most of people saw Captain America as a father figure but come on!” Tony said and chuckled as he sipped from the beer in his hand. Steve saw all the empty beer and other cans on the ground. Tony was sitting and he looked drunk and messed up.
“Is this the real Captain America?” One of the girls whispered in amazement.
“Oh, I don’t know is it? I can’t tell the difference to be honest.” Tony mumbled and stood up, he came lurching near Steve.
“I think he is very real, girls. Look at those arms!” He joked and grabbed Steve’s arm. Girls giggled at this. Steve pulled his arm from his hands and gave him an annoyed look. Then he looked at the girls in a way that suggested them to leave. They did as they threw admiring looks at Steve. When they left, he stopped the music player.
“What are you doing?” Steve asked, gritting his teeth, trying to be calm and ignore the need he felt to punch Tony in the face.
“Errr. Grumpy.” Tony muttered as he raised the can to take a sip, Steve took it from his hand.
“God, leave me alone.” Tony said, trying to retrieve the beer. Steve did not late him take it and eventually Tony gave up trying.
“Whatever. I have thousands of it.” He went near the window and stretched. Steve noticed he was different, more careless now. He looked like he didn’t care about anything at the moment and that made Steve angry. He hated, he absolutely hated when Tony didn’t care about himself and make himself a mess. He was great and he never knew it.
“I will not.”
“What?”
“I will not fucking leave you.”
“Oh? I thought that was, like, your life goal.” Tony yawned. Steve was getting furious. At himself mostly but how could Tony think that Steve did not care about him? How could he?
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t mean anything. I don’t care. You do what you want. I -don’t- give- a -fuck.” Tony said and headed for the door after he put on his pants and t-shirt. That was out of line. Steve harshly held him by the arm and made Tony face him. They were so close now, tension growing.
“You are hurting my arm, super-fucking-soldier. Let me go.” Tony tried to rescue his arm but Steve just held it tighter.
“I will not.” Tony frowned and they just looked at each other angrily for a minute.
“What do you want? Tony sighed. He didn’t have any type of emotion in his eyes, they were just empty. Steve could not stand that.
“I want you to fucking love yourself like I do.” Steve released his arm when he processed what he had said. Tony looked in shock and Steve knew he had to fix it.
“Look, you are my best friend and I care about you. Why won’t you?” Steve said and he felt so weak for not being able to tell Tony that he loved him more than anything.
“Because I don’t have the time.” Tony said and stepped out of the room. He turned to Steve for the last time. “I need to care about other things.” He said. Steve didn’t understand what that meant.
***
Tony went downstairs to his lab, he was now sober. Great. He made a fool of himself in front of Steve. Again. But Tony was just tired; he couldn’t cope with it these days. Steve didn’t even look at him in the eye after he got shot. Okay, maybe he was feeling guilty but he had no reason to cast Tony aside. Tony was fucked up anyways and he needed to forget things so he gave himself to work. He was working on a new mark and this one would be his best and maybe they would have a shot at surviving this civil war. He worked late at night, never ate, didn’t sleep. Jarvis warned him that his blood pressure was dropping but he didn’t listen to him.
He was working on this suit for six months, since the civil war started. He was half way done. He looked at his watch and it was 4 a.m. He did not plan to go to sleep, he couldn’t if he tried. He thought about Steve and how he’s been an ass to him earlier. Being drunk was not an excuse but he just didn’t want Steve to know that he was weak and he needed him. Because he did, he needed him more than anything. When Steve said he loved him, he was so shocked that he couldn’t breathe for a moment but then he did know Steve meant it as a friendly love. When Steve asked Tony why he couldn’t care about himself, Tony couldn’t tell the truth. How he felt worthless of his love, how he hated himself and how messed up he was or how he loved him.
“You need to get sleep.”
“I told you Jarvis I- Steve?” He was so concentrated on his work and thoughts that he didn’t realize Steve was in the room. “How long you’ve been here?” He asked, because Steve looked like he stood there a long time.
“Enough to know that you should get some sleep.”
“I will not.” Tony said, imitating Steve’s voice earlier. He was placing the repulsors into the armor and he noticed Steve didn’t leave. “Steve, please just leave me be.” But he didn’t want him to go.
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“I really didn’t plan to do this any time soon but I think it is the time.” Steve looked troubled. What was wrong?
“What is it?”
“I need to tell you something and I am sorry I have to do this.”
Tony was left with his mouth wide open when he heard the words coming out of Steve’s mouth.
***
Steve couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking about Tony and what he was doing. He got up and made himself a cup of coffee. After he drank it, he went to Tony’s room but he was not there. Steve was sure he was working in his lab. He always did that when he was not in a good state, He guessed it was his way of forgetting. He went downstairs, it was 2 a.m. and Tony had to get some sleep. It did not make sense when Steve was also awake but, whatever. He saw him working on a new armor, it looked advanced. Steve lean against the wall and watched him. Tony was so concentrated that he did not notice Steve was in the room.
Steve watched him and studied every detail of him till he realized it was now 4 a.m. and Tony was still in the same position, not lifting his head for once and noticing Steve.
Steve thought he was beautiful, every detail of him. They were friends since Steve first came out of the ice and Tony was his first friend ever since, the one who helped him live in this world he knew nothing about. They’ve been friends for a very long time and Steve didn’t even remember when he fell in love with him. He shouldn’t be surprised that he did though; Tony was perfect in every aspect. At first, he couldn’t understand why he felt that way because he wasn’t used to feelings like those and he thought it was just a phase. It wasn’t, obviously.
What if he loses him? What if something happens and Steve loses Tony? He did not want to think about that but he couldn’t help it. He wouldn’t be able to live. How long will he go on without telling him that he loves him? He did not want to end up like Erik and Charles. He did not want to look at him 20 years from now and see a stranger that he still loves but can’t do anything about it. He kept his feelings for himself for many years but what good it did? Nothing. Just hurt and heartbreaks.
The image of Tony getting shot appeared before his eyes and he flinched. What if he died? Steve would never get the chance to reveal his true feelings.
“You need to get sleep.” Steve suddenly said.
“I told you Jarvis I- Steve? How long you’ve been here?” He asked.
“Enough to know that you should get some sleep.”
“I will not.” Tony said sarcastically as he put the last repulsor on his armor. “Steve, please just leave me be.” He would not. He made his mind and didn’t care about the rest. Maybe he would fuck their relationship up? But he had to. He just had to before it was too late.
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“I really didn’t plan to do this any time soon but I think it is the time.” Steve said uncomfortably.
“What is it?”
“I need to tell you something and I am sorry I have to do this.” Steve stopped and looked Tony in the eye, his heart racing. Steve held his breath.
“I am in love with you, Tony.”
Steve did not wait for the response because he was afraid and left the room under Tony’s shocked looks.