Please don’t die.
“JJ, you're supposed to protect me..” JJ hears a familiar voice say as he turns around, just to be face to face with his younger sister. “Amelia?” he says as he reaches his hand out towards her. “You have to protect me.” She says again. “Protect you? From what?” JJ asks frantically as his sister disappears in front of him. “JJ PLEASE” He hears as he whips his head around. It's coming from his sister's room. He immediately runs in, well he tries to, just to slam into the door and fall backwards. “PLEASE HELP ME” he hears again from behind the door. “Amelia? I'm right here, I- I can't open the door.” He says as he bangs against the door, his sister continues screaming, it gets so loud he has to stop his attempts at opening the door and cover his ears. Everything is so loud.
“Hey, man wake up” JJ hears as he jumps awake, face soaked in tears. “Hey baby, you're okay.. Just a nightmare.” Lucas says softly as he pulls his boyfriend into his arms. JJ doesn't respond, he just cries and cries for what feels like hours. He cries until his head hurts and he can't possibly produce anymore tears. “Shhh you're okay.” Lucas says, whispering soft reassurances and comforts to JJ as he holds him, wiping his tears and petting his hair. “Let me go get you some water okay?” Lucas says as he pulls away from JJ slightly, just for the boy to pull him back in and cry harder. “Okay, we can get water later. I’m right here, you're okay.” Lucas says to JJ, holding back tears of his own.
It breaks him apart seeing his boyfriend like this. He knows he's going through a lot, he’s having more and more nightmares, he's more paranoid throughout the day. JJ puts on a strong front, not showing anyone how bad he's really feeling until he just breaks down like this. He cries for hours, he knows it's not healthy to just bottle everything up until he breaks down but what else can he do? He doesnt wanna burden everyone with his feelings, his friends and boyfriend aren't therapists. He should just handle it on his own, it was all his fault anyways. He could have saved them, if only he was quicker, maybe his brother wouldn't have gotten bit, or he would have killed the zombie before his sister died. He could have prevented everything.
“You feeling better?” Lucas asks with a small smile, JJ just gives him a small nod as he holds on to Lucas’ shirt with a grip so tight his knuckles turn white, terrified that if he lets go of Lucas something will happen to him. “Can I go get you some water now? You’re definitely dehydrated.” Lucas says softly, JJ just looks up at him with teary eyes. “How about you come with me?” Lucas asks him, gently removing JJ’s grip from his shirt and holding his hand instead. JJ gives him a small noise, Lucas can't tell whether it's a noise of approval or not but he takes it as one, getting off the bed before helping JJ up and walking downstairs quietly. Lucas grabs the boy a cup of water and heads back upstairs.
“You wanna talk about it?” Lucas asks as JJ takes a small sip of his water. JJ shakes his head no. “That's okay, but I want you to at least try and talk to me tomorrow okay?” Lucas asks as he grabs JJ’s cup and sets it on the nightstand. Lucas doesn't want to push JJ but it tears him apart that he has no idea what's going on inside his boyfriend's mind, maybe it's selfish to give him a little push but Lucas just wants to help.
The boys lay back down, JJ clings onto Lucas like he’l disappear at any second. Eventually Lucas falls back asleep, softly snoring into JJ’s ear. JJ on the other hand can't fall back asleep no matter what. Maybe it's because he secretly doesn't want to sleep, it sounds childish not to sleep just because you're scared of having nightmares but he's genuinely terrified. Anyone would be scared if they dreamed about their dead siblings every night. ‘It should have been me, why do I get to survive but they don't. Why should I be alive instead of them.’ Jj thinks to himself, part of him knows the things he's thinking are crazy and he's lucky to be alive but the other part doesn't necessarily want to be alive. ‘Maybe I should just end it and be with them again.’ he thinks to himself as he looks down at his arm, faint white scars covering his wrist. The scars are old, he used to cope with things in a shitty way but maybe it wasn't so shitty. I mean it did help for the time being, yeah it caused problems but.. It helped. He runs his fingers over the rigid skin, his thoughts spiraling to a terrible place.
“Wake up sleepyhead.” Lucas says with a laugh as he shakes JJ awake. “Hm, oh good morning.” JJ says with a small smile as he leans into Lucas for a hug. “More like good afternoon” Lucas says as he pulls JJ up off the bed. “Huh?” JJ asks with wide eyes. “Yeah I let you sleep in, did your chores too.” Lucas says as he digs through their drawers and pulls out some clothes for JJ. “Oh shit, you should have woken me up. You didn't have to do that.” JJ says, sounding slightly sad. “It's okay, I don't mind.” Lucas says as he kisses the other boy's forehead and hands him the clothes he picked out. “Go shower and I'll take your dirty clothes, Violets doing laundry today.” Lucas says, pointing to the bathroom. JJ gives him a small nod before walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror. His eyes are swollen and his face is red from crying the night before.
“Morning JJ!” Dottie says as JJ walks into the kitchen. “Morning granny” He responds with a smile and a small wave. “I'm making lunch, giving you a bigger portion since you slept through breakfast. You feeling okay?” Dottie asks him, a hint of worry in her voice. “Oh yeah I'm good, just couldn't really sleep last night.” He responds, it wasn't a complete lie, he did have trouble sleeping. She just nods her head in response, he picks up an expression on her face that suggests she doesn't believe him but he ignores it.
“Wanna go for a smoke?” Lucas asks, JJ just nods his head in response. Lucas gets up off their shared bed and heads outside, JJ close behind him. “What's wrong?” Lucas asks JJ as he pulls two cigarettes out, handing one to his boyfriend. JJ inhales deeply and looks at the ground. “Just having nightmares..” He replies with a shaky voice. “Well yeah I know that, but something seems wrong in general. You’re talking less, eating less, sleeping way more.” Lucas says as he leans against the barn wall. “Uh, just thinking a lot about my.. Family I guess.” JJ replies, trying his hardest not to cry. “What about them?” Lucas asks, clearly not happy with the vague answers. “How I should be dead instead of them.” JJ blurts out, getting irritable at the constant questions. His eyes go wide once he realizes what he said. Lucas’ eyes soften and he looks like he's gonna cry. “You want to die?” Lucas asks, being blunt was always something JJ liked about him. He didn't sugar coat things and always got straight to the point, but sometimes he was a little too straightforward. “No but, I just wish they could be alive and my fucked up brain tells me that I should have died instead of them.” JJ says, small tears rolling down his face. Lucas pulls JJ into a tight hug. “Please don't die.” is all he can say. Lucas has dealt with suicidal thoughts of his own but hes not the most qualified for helping people. “I need you. Please.” Lucas continues, crying as he hugs JJ.