I love you.
The survivors' guilt JJ has is terrible. But the thought of killing himself when the people around him need him makes him feel worse. He still thinks of his sister and brother every day, he has nightmares every night. They're debilitating but the thought of leaving Lucas, Violet, Dottie and Theo keeps him around. He now knows exactly what it's like to lose someone to suicide and he cant do that to them. Not after all they've been through. Not after Dottie and Theo took them into their home and loved them as if they were their own kids. He still has thoughts.. Thoughts of harming himself, and coping in ways that aren't the greatest. But he won't put everyone what he went through, how is it fair to make them feel the same thing he's feeling?
He won't do it, but sometimes he wonders what it would be like if he did.. Would they be sad? He knows Lucas would but maybe eventually he would realize JJ was a huge burden. Lucas wouldn't have to constantly check up on him and how he was feeling. Dottie would have one less meal to make. Theo doesn't seem to care too much about JJ anyways. Violet would probably just go on as everything is normal. But he won't do it, right?
Right? He thinks to himself as he sits on the bathroom floor, eyes fixated on his arm. Tracing over his scars with his pointer finger. Remembering what kind of place he was in when he hurt himself. His dad had just died and his mom went completely batshit. Getting into all kinds of drugs, coming home just to start problems. Walking in the door stumbling, high off of god knows what. Starting an argument with JJ over something stupid. Screaming insults and throwing stuff at him. He would shut himself in his room and just sit there. Completely in the dark, alone with nothing but his thoughts and his mom screaming through the door. He feels like he did then, he feels isolated, like he's suffocating more and more everyday. What he's feeling is so much more than he can explain to people when they ask “whats wrong?”. How do you explain the feeling of wanting everything to stop, all the pain, the thoughts, just life itself. He just sits there and stares for god knows how long. Stares at his wrist, running his fingers along it over and over again.
“JJ?” he hears Lucas’ voice through the door as he snaps out of his trance. Standing up off the floor and opening the bathroom door. “Oh hey, sorry just got kind of distracted.” JJ says with a small smile, not sure how to explain being in the bathroom for a concerning amount of time. Lucas is clearly concerned but doesn't ask any questions. He just pulls JJ into a tight hug, he knows JJ is hurting and he doesn't know how to help but he hopes a hug will do a little something. JJ tries his best not to tear up as Lucas hugs him, nose stinging and eyes getting watery. “I love you.” Lucas says as he holds the other boy tightly. JJ’s eyes get wide, they haven't told each other that yet.. Part of JJ wonders if he's only saying that to make him feel better. But no matter the circumstance, hearing it makes JJ’s heart warm. “I love you too Lucas.” JJ says back, tears rolling down his face despite his attempts to not cry. Lucas hates the feeling of tears on his shirt, but for JJ he’d do anything. Even if it means getting his shirt wet