Losing

You parked your car and headed inside your home, noting the clanking of pots and pans coming from the kitchen as you set your things down.

“Steve?”

You heard a soft “ah, shit” before he came out of the kitchen to greet you with a kiss. “How was your day, sweetheart?”

“It was… uh, fine. I have some news for you later though. How was your day?”

“Oh well, you know…”

“Um, no I don’t, Steve… not unless you tell me? Why are you acting so strangely?”

“I’m not acting strangely,” he answered too quickly. You gave him a look and he dropped his gaze to the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. “I uh… wanted to surprise you. With dinner. And um… a uh… nice bath. And maybe something else, too…” he trailed off into an indiscernible mumble.

“I feel a ‘but’ coming on, Steve… just tell me, honey.”

“I kind of burned dinner.”

“How bad is it?” You began walking toward the kitchen. “Maybe we could… oh god, Steve.” He followed you into the kitchen and gave you a sheepish wince, knowing there was no way in hell dinner could be salvaged. “Oooookay. Well, sweety, let’s just order take out, okay? We can still have dinner together and take a bath, or whatever you were mumbling about.”

Steve smiled and leaned down to kiss you. “How are you so understanding? I feel so bad.”

“Not to worry, dear husband… now, you clean up your mess and I’ll call for Thai. Deal?”

“Deal.”

50 minutes later found you and Steve sharing pad thai while sitting on the couch, your legs tangled together as your feet lay on the coffee table. Your head rested on his shoulder as you listened to him explain the dinner-gone-wrong. After a full explanation and a vow that he would never cook without help again, the conversation turned.

“So babe, what news did you have?”

You fought to take a deep breath, your anxiety on the matter instantly returning. Steve, sensing your struggle, gripped your hand in his and wrapped an arm around you. 

“Whatever it is, sugar, we’re together. End of the line, baby.”

You inhaled once more, nodding and accepting his support as you leaned into him.

“I went to the doctor’s office today… because I’ve missed my last two periods.”

“Mhm, go on.”

“I didn’t want to get my hopes up… and I know we aren’t actively trying yet, since the last…”

“Baby doll, are you tryin’ to say…?”

“We’re pregnant.” You were fighting between elation and pain, just as you knew Steve was.

“Darling, I’m so happy.” He pulled you into his embrace, stroking your hair with one hand and wrapping his other arm around your waist firmly. Your pain quickly overtook your grief and your body was shaking, wracked with sobs as you cried into your husband’s shoulder. “I know, Y/N, I know.”

“It’s just… I’m so afraid, Steve. I can’t- I couldn’t handle it if- if-” Steve was still trying to soothe you, but he let you continue talking. It would be good for you to get it off your chest. “What if this pregnancy turns out like the others? What if we lose the baby? I can’t do this, Steve, it’s got to be my fault, I can’t keep doing this to you!”

“Hey, now, darling. You’re not doing anything to me. This is not your fault. Remember what the doc said? The other two, it was chromosomal abnormality. They were never created to survive, and that’s not anyone’s fault - that’s just shitty genetics and shitty luck. This time could be it - we could have a baby! I think we need to believe in that. Okay?”

You sniffled. “Yeah, I think we should try to believe.”

After a bit of lighter conversation, Steve still treated you to a warm bath and a slow massage. When you were both dried off and in bed together, you lay above Steve with your head resting on his chest, right over his heart, with his arms wrapped around you. After a few moments of silence, you voiced your thoughts.

“Do you ever wonder what they’d be like?” you spoke just above a whisper.

Steve felt his chest tighten and he tightened his grip on you slightly. “Every damn day,” he breathed. “I save a kid, and it makes me wonder if I’d ever have to save one of them. I walk passed a toy store, and I think about what kind of things they’d like to play with. I look into your eyes… and I know one of them had to have your eyes, I just know. And would they have had your best traits? Would they have mine? Would they inherit all the shit I dealt with when I was young? God, I even look in the mirror and ask what I could do just to see them…”

“Steve…” you sigh, tears in your eyes. You hold him tightly, knowing just how much pain he was in and how much he probably blamed himself. “Just so you know, I feel the same. I feel those same things, and more, and I feel just how much pain you’re in, and I just… Everyday, I feel how much love I have for our lost children, and this one? I’m so afraid, Steve, I want to hold her. I want to raise her and love her and teach her and… I can’t lose her.” You were fully sobbing now, Steve watching you and soothing you.

“I know, baby. I know. Shh, it’s okay.”

Once you had calmed down, Steve remembered something you had said, a word you had used.

“Wait… did you say ‘she’?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, I guess I did…”

“It’s to early to know… right?”

“Yeah, way too early. Intuition, I guess?”

“I’ve always wanted a girl first… I just, back in the forties, I never thought I’d have kids, y’know? With everything that was wrong with me, and how small I was… I mean, ladies didn’t exactly go for that.”

“You know, Steve, I didn’t fall in love with you for your looks. I’d have married you even if you were tiny. It’s your heart and soul that I love… the looks are just a bonus. I’d never try to face life with anyone else.”

Steve smiled as he gazed at you. It was your eyes that had initially drawn Steve to you. When you first met each other at SHIELD headquarters (before the collapse of the organization), you’d been caught up in a meeting, but when Steve saw you through the glass of the board room, he knew he was already in too deep. He’d asked you out to dinner that night and the rest was history but through it all it was you who got him through the hardships.

Soon you were drifting off to sleep in Steve’s arms. As he felt your breathing slow into a steady rhythm, he prayed to whatever higher power would listen. Please let us have this bit of happiness. We’ve found each other, but we’re ready to have a family. So whoever you are… I’ll do anything… just give this to us, please.

The next five weeks passed smoothly. You had told only Bucky, Natasha, and Wanda of the news, as they had been you and Steve’s main supporters during your last two losses. They were optimistic, and were more than willing to help out in any way they could. (Bucky was especially eager as he “just knew” he’d be the best godfather ever. You were the lead psychologist on the case to get his head back into his control and the pair of you were almost as close as him and Steve)

Everything seemed to be progressing well as you approached the end of the first trimester. That is, until you woke up in the middle of the night, screaming.