Losing

You smiled fondly as you watched Steve from the doorway. He was trying to soothe your newborn daughter by cradling her in his arms and rocking her back and forth in a white rocking chair. He had gotten out of bed almost as soon as her cries could be heard from the baby monitor that sat on the nightstand in your room, though you had gone to take care of her when you noticed it was her hungry cry.

You entered the room and Steve looked up with a sheepish half-smile, uncertain as to why she was still crying.

“She’s hungry, dear - not exactly something you can take care of,” you joked. As you took her into your arms, Steve moved so you could sit in the chair, but instead of going back to bed he leaned against the wall by the chair and looked on as you got yourself and the baby situated so she could eat.

“You know, I don’t even mind waking up at 3 in the morning for her. Most parents would be annoyed, I think, but I just… ‘m not.”

You glanced up at him from watching your daughter, a soft smile playing on your features. “I mean… I agree, for sure, but I’m exhausted, Steve.” You looked back at the small person in your arms. “Somehow though, the sleepless nights, sore nipples, never getting a moment to myself… it’s worth it. To have her… I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Steve opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the phone going off in the other room.

“Be right back.”

He was nonchalant, even though you both knew what a call at this time meant. He wasn’t supposed to be assigned to any missions for another month, but if Captain America was needed, well… how could he refuse? You could hear Steve’s voice, initially growing louder with anger and then dying down to expose frustrated resignation. He traipsed back into the nursery, dreading telling you he had to leave.

“Darling, they’ve called me-”

“On a mission,” you sigh. “I understand, Steve. I just wish you didn’t have to leave.”

His eyebrows knitted together at your resigned acceptance and he moved to kneel in front of you and the baby. “Doll, you know I’d never leave if I didn’t have to. They said it was serious… there’s a situation in Constanta. It looks bad. I’ve got to do what I can to help.”

Grasping his hand in your own, your features softening in understanding. “I know, baby… just… be careful. Come home to us, Captain Rogers,” you smiled.

“I will, of course I will. I love you - both of you.” He leaned up to press a soft, loving kiss to your lips, savoring his last moment of peace for the time being. With your daughter unlatched from your breast, Steve gently took her into his arms and cradled her as he murmured his goodbye to her before kissing her forehead and placing her back in your arms. “I’ll be back before you know it, Y/N. I promise.”

And with that your captain was gone, off to save the world again.

A few days passed, and you watched the situation unfold on the news. There was no one left at the tower as the entire team had left to diffuse the situation so you stayed in your Brooklyn apartment with your daughter, trying not to spend every waking moment worrying. It didn’t work.

Finally, you got word that the team was headed home, the situation in Romania seemingly solved. You were able to relax some, though you knew you’d never be fully calm until you had Steve back in your arms. With your little girl sound asleep in her crib, you lay on the couch in the living room, phone in hand, waiting for Steve’s call to let you know how things went.

When your phone finally went off, you accepted it without looking at the caller ID. “Steve?!”

“No… Y/N, I… I’ve gotta tell you something, sweetheart.”

“Bucky? What… what happened? Is Steve alright, is he hurt?”

“No, Y/N. He… Steve is dead.”

You were silent as you froze, not believing him.

It started as a soft mumble - “no.” You repeated the same word over and over again, each time growing louder until you had dropped your phone on the floor and were practically screaming. The baby was crying now, and you collapsed on your knees as your final cry left your lips. Bucky was trying to get your attention on the phone, and numbly reached for it again, placing it next to your ear.

“Bucky,” you sigh.

“Y/N, the quinjet is landing right now. Okay? I’m gonna come over. I’m on my way right now, I’m just gonna grab a change of clothes and I’ll be right there.”

“Okay,” you croak. The baby is still crying, and you find the strength in yourself to go to the nursery and pick her up. Bucky finds you there minutes later; he’s a wreck, and looks like he’s been crying. With the child in your arms finally settled down, you set her back in the crib and allowed Bucky to envelop you in his arms. Once you had cried until your tear ducts were dry, Bucky guided to into the living room and sat with you on the couch until you fell asleep against him.

You woke with a start, a scream leaving your lips before you knew what was happening. You sat up in a panic, reaching out for Steve next to you, then placing your hand over the small bump in your stomach and trying to calm yourself down. Steve’s arm was soon wrapped around you, his hand gently resting along your jaw and drawing you to look at him.

“Sweetheart, are you alright? Is something wrong? Is the baby okay?”

“The baby’s fine, Steve, I just had a bad dream.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

You took a deep breath, deciding it would be easier to go back to sleep without thoughts of losing Steve running through your mind. “We had the baby, but you were called away on a mission when she was two months old. You died.”

He drew you closer to him, wrapping both arms around you and kissing your temple. He didn’t move away, instead speaking with his lips brushing over your skin. “I’m right here, Y/N, and I’m not going anywhere. I can’t promise that a mission won’t go wrong - I could be hurt, or killed, and you know that.” He pulled back to look you in the eye as he spoke again, “But I promise you, I will always do my damnedest to come back to you. And when we have this baby, it will only strengthen my resolve - I’ll have more to protect, more to come home to. I swear to you, Y/N Y/L/N-Rogers, you’re not gonna lose me any time soon.”

“I love you, Steve,” you murmured. “I love you to the sun and back.”

“And I love you, Y/N. Love you to the sun and back times two.”

“Oh yeah? Well I love you to Neptune and back, Steven Grant Rogers,” you smirked.

“Alright, alright, you win, doll.” He smiled before he crushed his lips against yours, holding you tightly and making you feel more safe and loved than you knew you could feel. Pulling back slightly, you shared a smile. “We should get back to sleep, yeah?”

“Yeah. Steve?”

He shifted back to lay on the pillows and held out his arm for you to join him. “Mhm?”

“Will you hold me?” you questioned softly.

“Of course, baby doll. C’mere.”

You settled into his arms, your head resting on Steve’s chest and one of your arms draped over his stomach. You were on the edge of sleep, perfectly content in your husband’s arms with his hands stroking your hair and back and baby bump.

“Love you so much, Stevie,” you sighed, bringing a smile to Steve’s face. Silently he remembered his promise to you earlier and swore that he would always come back to you and your child.