We're All A Little Broken Inside
Four.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Over and over, the word repeated in a never-ending stream inside his head.
There were four dead bodies lying in the morgue. There were four funerals to be arranged. There were four people Tadashi failed to save.
And there were even more injured because of his recklessness. He should have known they weren't ready- he should have tried harder.
Four.
Four.
Four.
The Marshal needed to talk to them in one hour and twenty seven minutes. He would have talked to them sooner, but there was so much more to take care of. He had to make sure everyone was being treated. He had to get the jaeger checked over. He had to contact the victims' families.
Tadashi dropped his head in his hands and tried to will away the images that were seared into his brain.
Four bodies lay on the ground, silent and unmoving.
Hiro's fist struck out and hit Odokuro. Only it wasn't Odokuro; it was a catwalk full of screaming people.
Tadashi was screaming and his skin was melting and there was fire everywhere-.
The people slipped through his fingers and hit the ground. The screaming grew louder, but it also stopped.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Four.
Fred, Gogo, and Honey had been swept up in the chaos that had followed Amaterasu's attack, so by the time they extracted themselves from the crowd the Hamadas had already been removed from the jaeger.
Hiro was unconscious and waiting to be checked over by a medic once a medic could be spared. As it was, all the medical staff were busy tending to more urgent matters. Hiro would have to wait until one of them was free.
Nobody knew where Tadashi was. The last anyone had seen of him was when they found him in the conn-pod, cradling his unconscious brother in his arms. Wasabi said that Marshal Callaghan had told Tadashi to be at his office at 16:30, but after that he'd disappeared. That was almost an hour ago.
Wasabi had helped Fred carry Hiro back the pilot's room. Unfortunately space was tight in the infirmary, so they had to take him back to his bunk. Wasabi said it would be fine since Hiro's strain was all mental and not physical, so they wouldn't have to worry about moving him causing any aggravation to his injuries.
Hiro didn't rouse during the process or in the time afterwards. Gogo and Wasabi had to leave to look over Amaterasu, but Honey and Fred had nowhere else to be.
Honey was perched on the edge of Hiro's bunk, smoothing a hand over his forehead.
"Freddy," she said softly, breaking the tense silence. "You should go find Tadashi. I can watch over Hiro, but Tadashi shouldn't be left on his own. Go make sure he's okay."
He nodded solemnly at her and turned away to do as she said.
He didn't even know if he would be able to find Tadashi, but he had to try. She was right. Tadashi shouldn't be alone at a time like this.
It took him almost forty minutes, but he did find Tadashi. He almost missed him- the pilot was huddled in a corner on the roof.
He didn't respond when Fred called out to him, although it seemed like that was because he was lost in his own thoughts rather than just ignoring him. Fred approached the other very carefully.
"Tadashi?" he said quietly, bending down to lay a hand gently on his shoulder.
His friend startled at the touch and jolted his head out from the crook of his elbows. He turned to Fred with wide, watery eyes. The skin around them was red and swollen, and made it very obvious that he'd been crying. Which was to be expected, but it took Fred a little off guard nonetheless. He'd never seen Tadashi cry before.
He very much hoped he'd never have to see it happen again. Just looking at him made his chest hurt. Tadashi deserved something better than this. He deserved to spend his days smiling and laughing and enjoying life! Not crying the hours away.
He plopped down next to Tadashi and threw an arm around his shoulders, drawing them close together. In different circumstances he would be over the moon at getting to hold him like this. But these were not different circumstances, and he took no pleasure over the tragedy that had befallen the shatter dome.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. He wouldn't make Tadashi talk if he didn't want to, but he heard that telling someone your problems made you feel better.
Tadashi sniffled and wiped his face on his tear stained sleeve.
It was another minute before he replied. "This is all m-my f-fault. I should h-have known better. Hiro and I weren't ready for t-t-this. Maybe we never will be. I don't even really w-want to pilot Amaterasu again. I just agreed to because I knew Hiro wanted to.
"God, he wanted to s-so bad, Fred. I could see it in his eyes every time he m-mentioned her name or talked shop about the rest of the jaegers. He tried so h-hard to find another partner to drift with...
"But nobody could do it. And he was so d-d-disappointed, and I could tell he wanted to ask me but didn't because of w-what happened... How could I say n-no?" he said. His voice broke over the last word and Fred held him a little tighter.
"And n-now- now people are dead because I was too ch-chi-chicken to tell my brother that I couldn't do this anymore."
Hiro had told him once that some of the trauma caused by Odokuro's attack made Tadashi stutter when he was stressed. He had gone through a lot of therapy to make it more manageable in everyday life, but when he got upset it resurfaced with a vengeance. He'd never witnessed it before this moment.
"Hey, man. You're being too hard on yourself right now. You can't blame yourself for what happened. What happened was a mistake, and it was terrible, but it's not your fault, okay?" he said.
Tadashi pulled his knees closer and buried his face in his hands. "But i-it is. You don't get it, F-fred. I knew I wasn't ready, b-b-but I let them hook me up to A-am-amaterasu anyway. If I had been r-ready I wouldn't have chased the rabbit and I could have helped H-hiro, but I didn't do any of t-that. I tried so hard to reach him, but I couldn't! I tr-tried, but-" he broke off, dissolving into another round of tears.
"Hey, hey." Fred reached over with his free hand to wipe the tears from his face. "You did your best, and no one can ask any more of you. I know it's easy to play the blame game after something like this happens, but I promise you that this is not entirely your fault. A lot of decisions were made that could have prevented what happened, alright?
"Listen- it wasn't just you. Hiro should have known better than to go chasing the rabbit too. The Marshal should have made sure you guys were both prepared for drifting again. The techs should have made sure they could control Amaterasu if things got out of hand. This is not your fault," he said firmly. He let his hand rest on Tadashi's cheek.
His friend looked at him with more tears in his eyes, but he looked slightly less self loathing than before. Fred considered that a good thing.
Before he knew it he found himself with a lapful of Tadashi.
"Fred, I'm s-scared," he whispered. The kaiju could feel the collar of his shirt dampen with warm tears.
He delicately wrapped his arms around the other, unsure of what to say. What was he supposed to do? Tell him not to be afraid? Tell him there was no reason to be worried about the oncoming threat of the kaiju race tearing his world apart? Tell him he and Hiro would have no problems hooking up to their jaeger if they just tried it one more time?
Those would have been lies. He couldn't promise him any of that.
All he had to promise was himself.
"I wish I could tell you that you don't have to be scared," was what he told him. "But I can't promise you that things will be smooth sailing from here on out. What I can tell you is that no matter what, you won't be alone. Honey, Wasabi, Gogo and I are all here for you guys. If you ever feel like there's something you need to get off your chest and can't tell Hiro, then come tell one of us, okay? We're your friends- we want to know if you're okay. I don't care how petty or monumental of a burden it may seem- just come tell me, okay?"
He paused to let Tadashi answer, running his hands run up and down Tadashi's back in soothing motions.
"Okay," Tadashi murmured into his neck. His hands were clenched in the front of Fred's shirt.
They stayed pressed together like that until Tadashi's appointment with Marshal Callaghan rolled around.
The Hamadas were suspended until further notice. This basically meant they weren’t allowed to do anything with Amaterasu until...forever.
Tadashi was surprised they weren't being kicked out of the shatter dome. Hiro was understandably distraught about what had happened and didn't protest about their punishment for once.
"Come on, Tadashi. Are you really that surprised? I mean, you're basically Callaghan's favorite pilot. The guy trained you himself. There was no way he was going to kick you out," Gogo said. She popped a large bubble in his face.
"First of all, I am not his favorite and he helped train other people too. And it's not like it was just his decision to make- a lot of people had to weigh in on what to do with is," Tadashi retorted.
Honey took a sip of her iced tea and gave him a thoughtful look. "I don't know, Tadashi... The Marshal does have a soft spot for you. I bet he fought really hard to make sure you guys got to stay."
The group bickered back and forth for a few minutes while Lilo & Stitch played quietly in the background.
"Will you guys cut it out?" Hiro snapped. He had put up with their nonsense for long enough. "How can you guys be acting so casual about what happened today? I killed and hurt a lot of people! Who cares if Callaghan secretly has the hots for my brother or not?! Quit acting like everything's normal and nothing's wrong!"
The group stared at him in silence.
Eventually Fred piped up to address the issue. "Hiro, we're just trying to...cope. Things aren't magically going to get better, but brooding isn't going to help either."
"Sometimes it's better to move on when there's nothing you can do to fix it," Gogo cut in.
"Well, pretending like everything is fine isn't going to 'fix it' either," Hiro snarled. He sprang to his feet and pushed past them to the door. He couldn't do this right now. He just couldn't.
When he heard the door open behind him he sped up his pace down the hallway. Sadly, it was not enough to deter his follower.
"Hiro," Tadashi called, grabbing him by the shoulder.
The younger man spun around to glare at his brother. "What? Are you going to tell me to be more polite? That I shouldn't let my temper get the best of me? That I need to go apologize for being rude?" he growled.
Tadashi's shoulders tensed for a moment and he looked like he was about to say something about Hiro's attitude, but he forced himself to take a deep breath instead. The anger seemed to drain out of him until he was left with nothing but sadness in his eyes.
"No..." he said quietly. "Look, I just... I want you to be okay. And I wish there was s-something- anything- I could do to make this...better. But I can't. I c-c-can't even help get m-myself through this, much less you," he sputtered.
He looked so miserable that Hiro felt a sudden surge of guilt for snapping at him. The stuttering made him feel even worse. He'd been doing so good about getting rid of that...
He deflated in defeat. He was still angry and upset, but he couldn't take it out on Tadashi. That wasn't right. The one he was really angry at was himself. Tadashi hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, out of the two of them, Tadashi was the only one who had done anything remotely right. He had tried to save those people. Unlike Hiro.
He was getting ready to board the train of simultaneous self pity and self hatred when Tadashi shoved something in his face.
It was a phone.
He peered cautiously down at his older brother.
"C-call her. You haven't in a w-while," was all he said before pushing it into Hiro's hands and walking back to their room.
Hiro stared after him dumbfounded until loud voices echoed around the corner. He wasn't really ready to face anyone else after everything that had gone on that day, so he pulled his hood over his head, stuffed the phone into his pocket, and stalked off in the other direction.
Once he was alone and sure nobody was going to stumble upon him he pulled the phone back out of his pocket. He looked at the contact Tadashi had opened it to and pressed the call button.
There were four rings before she answered.
"Hi, Sweetie! I'm so glad you called! It's been too long."
"I know... I'm sorry. But it's- it's really good to hear your voice, Aunt Cass," he replied, and a little bit of the weight on his chest lifted.