Take a Deep Breath and Let It All Out
Fred wished he could say that life got easier after Amaterasu's grounding. And in a way it was. Without waiting on standby to be sent off to battle, the Hamadas found themselves tinkering around with the jaeger techs to keep themselves occupied. They didn't have to worry about dying in a fight with a kaiju. They kept themselves busy.
But having something to do didn't erase what they'd done.
Hiro threw himself into work, refusing to eat or sleep without someone forcing him to. He wouldn't eat in the cafeteria anymore- too many accusing eyes- so his friends or occasionally the other jaeger pilots would bring him his meals and insist he try and eat something. It all tasted rotten in his mouth though. Still, it was easier to get him to eat than it was to get him to sleep.
He hated sleeping. He used to love it, but ever since the incident he found himself loathing the thought of it. He couldn't handle the idea of losing control of his body again. And that's what sleep was to him. He had no control over anything while he dreamt.
So he stayed awake instead. As long as he wasn't hooked up to a jaeger then he would stay in control of himself.
The psychologist on base told him that it wasn't healthy, and that he needed to learn to trust himself again.
Hiro insisted that he trusted himself as long as he was in control. The rest of the group didn't have the heart to argue with him about it.
Tadashi was a whole other story. He shared his brother's distaste of eating and sleeping, but for very different reasons.
Every time he shut his eyes he could see those people fall to the ground, heard the screams echoing throughout the hangar. He could see the rage and grief in Hiro's eyes as he watched his body burn. He felt the flames lick at his skin, and he saw those lifeless bodies lay unmoving.
There was no peace to be found in dreams for him.
The best he could hope for was dreamless sleep after he passed out from exhaustion.
As for the eating... well, he just couldn't seem to keep anything down these days. He tried- oh, he tried- but it was all for naught. It never sat well in his stomach, so he almost always ended up vomiting it out a few minutes down the line.
His friends tried everything to get him to keep it down. They had him try different foods each day, made him homemade meals, kept him on a liquid diet, but nothing worked.
The Hamada brothers were really quite miserable.
They tried to hide it of course- Hiro behind a mask of indifference and Tadashi behind tired smiles. It was plain to see that they weren't doing well though.
Fred wanted to go back in time and punch himself in the face.
If only he'd never confronted Amaterasu and simply run away from the precursors as soon as he was through the breach, none of this would have happened.
He couldn't help but feel as though this was all his fault, despite the fact that logically he knew that there was a long string of events and choices made by multiple parties that led up to the events. Whatever the case was, Fred made it his personal mission to get the Hamadas back into good health. He had to make it up to them somehow.
Today he was going to try and get Tadashi to eat some lunch and take a nap while Honey and he worked on a tooth collected from the remains of Yamarashi.
"Here, buddy, I got you some yogurt and a protein shake," he said as he handed the items to his weary looking friend. So far the gang had decided to stick with soft foods for him. Fred read somewhere that bulimics needed protein, so this seemed like a good idea.
Tadashi smiled wanly at him and accepted them without a fuss, dropping onto the couch in their office. Fred and Wasabi had moved it into place after Honey and Gogo had acquired the couch as a place for the Hamadas to crash when they refused to go back to their room. Thank god it actually worked.
"Thanks, Fred," he said quietly. He peeled off the lid to his yogurt and did his best to look undeterred about the fact that he was probably going to be puking it up in about ten minutes.
"No problemo," Fred replied, squeezing his shoulder gently before retreating back to his station.
He was quickly swept back into research mode, making observations and comparisons with Honey, and trying to figure out a way how to effectively protect the jaegers with their research. He was still at work after all.
Sixteen minutes later however, he had to put it aside to run over and check on Tadashi who was heaving up his minimal lunch like it had tried to poison him.
It was hardly an uncommon occurrence, but Tadashi bursting into tears was a different matter.
"Whoa there, hey, hey, it's okay," he tried to soothe, pulling the other away from the trash can and into a hug.
Tadashi was having none of it. "It's not okay," he sobbed into Fred's shoulder. "I should be able to- to keep something as simple as a protein shake down, but I just can't. No matter what I try, it always comes right back up. And it's so unfair 'cause you guys are trying so hard to make it work, but I just keep screwing everything up- I can't do anything right.
"And every time I think that maybe I'll be okay, I just remember what ha-happened and I just feel so sick with myself because- because how can I be okay or happy or anything when my negligence got people killed? And then it all just comes out because I feel so disgusted with myself!" he bawled.
Fred shushed him and held him tighter, trying to relieve the tremors racking his friend's body.
"Listen," he said, pushing him back just enough to look him in the eye. "I need you to take deep breaths okay? Can you do that?"
He waited for Tadashi to give him a weak nod and take a few shaky breaths before continuing. "This is not your fault. You can't help what's happening to you right now, and no one is going to blame you for it. We're your friends, Tadashi- we just want you to get better. That doesn't have to happen right away. No matter what happens, we'll be here for you."
He shot a look over his shoulder at Honey, silently asking to let him take Tadashi back to his bunk. She nodded with a look of understanding, urging him with a shooing motion of her hands.
"Come on; let's get you back to your room. You'll feel better if you get some sleep," he told the jaeger pilot, pulling him to the door.
Tadashi sniffled but followed his lead, clinging to his side like his life depended on it.
Fred gave one last look at Honey, mouthing "thank you" at her before stepping out of their office.
The walk to Tadashi's room was mercifully devoid of prying eyes, but that didn't keep Fred from getting out of the hallway as fast as possible. He didn't want to push his luck.
Tadashi's tears hadn't stopped, but at least the shaking had dwindled.
Fred pushed him gently onto the bed and ducked down to pull off his shoes for him before tucking him in securely. It made Tadashi feel rather like a child again, but he wasn't complaining. It was kind of nice to be looked after. He hadn't had anyone do that for him in a long time.
He almost startled when Fred reached down to brush the tears off his cheeks.
"You going to be okay buddy?" he asked. There was so much concern and tenderness in his eyes that it made Tadashi want to burst into more tears. Which was ridiculous, but he wasn't exactly behaving the most rationally at the moment.
He nodded weakly in response, not trusting his voice. Fred was not convinced though.
"Remember what I told you before? About how I wanted you to tell me if something was wrong? Now is one of those moments. Don't tell me okay if you don't think you are," he pleaded.
Tadashi dropped his eyes and squirmed a little under the blankets. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn't know how to voice any of it. He just didn't know how to get the words out. He wasn't ready yet. But when he looked back at Fred he hoped that maybe someday he would be.
"Stay?" he asked quietly.
He knew it was selfish to ask- Fred was in the middle of work when Tadashi broke down earlier. He probably had to get back to it. But Tadashi didn't want to be alone. And it was easy being with Fred. He needed that easy feeling now more than ever.
Fortunately, Fred didn't tell him to get over himself. Instead he smiled and told him that he could do that with no problem, taking one of Tadashi's hands in his and holding it until the pilot eventually fell asleep.
He was gone when Tadashi woke, but that was alright. For the first time in a long time, he didn't have any nightmares. Instead he dreamed of something happy- he couldn't remember what it was, but he did remember the feel of a warm hand in his and a feeling of contentment that lingered even after his eyes opened.