Solace
Over the next couple of months Chris was incredibly patient, kind and caring with you.
You let yourself cry when you needed to, but had also started letting yourself enjoy some happiness as well. You knew how important both things were on the road to healing... But you would never forget or stop loving... Just accept. You still slept in your own bed, cuddling Sebastian's pillows and wearing his shirts, but the scent of him had started fading. You still cried yourself to sleep once or twice a week, missing him.
Neither you or Chris had started going through nor packing up Sebastian's things to send to his parents yet. His Mom had told you both to take your time and feel free to keep anything that you found sentimental. Soon though; it needed to be done.
You also didn't have contact with Chris more than a traditional friendship; you still felt you belonged to Sebastian. Enter Chris's unwavering patience.
He put his own needs to be close to you aside and put your needs first. He had tried a few times over those months to hold you, cuddle you, get a little flirty, affectionate or love on you like he used to, before he ever met Sharon. But, you would politely decline and he always respected when you asked him to stop. He thought it was kind of strange seeing as how you seemed to be close right when Sebastian passed, but that faded quickly when the two of you returned home after the funeral. But, then again, he understood that grieving made no sense, it wasn't predictable.
So, he would let you decide when you were ready to be close again, but he would still gently test the waters periodically. It hurt him that you didn't want him close, but he knew nothing could ever go further than even the close friends you used to be if he ever tried to force it. He didn't want to lose you again in any of the ways he had in the past. So, he would wait...
And when he laid in bed at night, he would think about being able to hold you again, sleep with you in his arms again, to eventually give you a real kiss, one that was at the right time. He would imagine making love to you...and sometimes he imagined fucking you passionately. He thought about taking care of you as his own girl, with all the care, protection and attentiveness you deserved. He imagined you looking into his eyes with so much love for him... But, for now... He would wait to be with you. Not only for you to be ready, which he prayed you would be someday, but to be ready himself. He was, after all, in love with his late best friend's girl and he still felt it was too soon. You both needed to heal more and there needed to be time passed in order to not disrespect the relationship you and Sebastian had.
Chris had gone for a run with Sam and Clint at the park one Saturday morning while he let you sleep in. When he came home, he went to check on you but didn't find you in your bed.
He called out for you. You called back that you were downstairs, but your voice sounded distressed. He jogged down the stairs quickly, seeing Sebastian's bedroom door open when it was always kept closed. His heart fell, realizing where you must be as he reached the bottom of the steps.
He stepped in the doorway of Sebastian's room, finding you sitting on the edge of the made bed, tears running down your face, your breathing heavy and deep. You were staring at the floor, several pieces of clothing clutched in your hands. There were other pieces of clothing strewn all over the bed and floor, dresser drawers open haphazardly, glimpses of fabrics hanging all over them.
"(Y/N)...", Chris looked pained as he went to you, sat beside you and put an arm around your shoulders. He ducked his head down, trying to make eye contact with you.
You held your breath and then let it out in a heavy sigh as the tears multiplied more quickly, falling from your eyes. Your voice was quiet and shaky, "It doesn't smell like him anymore. Nothing does." Chris's face twisted in hurt for you. He said nothing, just wrapped his arms around you and gently guided your head to his shoulder as you started crying, "I almost can't remember his face. The sound of his voice is already gone... It's like I'm losing him all over again. And I haven't even recovered from the first time." You sobbed more heavily.
He stroked your hair. God, he wished he could just take your pain away, it was torture to watch you go through, "I know, sweetheart. I know.", he cooed.
You gathered yourself and you both cleaned up all the clothes and put them back in the dresser, not bothering to fold them... Not today; when things were packed.
Chris took your hand and led you out of the bedroom, shutting the door again. He pulled you to him with a hand at the back of your head and kissed it, "Let's go get you some breakfast, sweetie." He then led you up the stairs and asked what you wanted for breakfast.
You sat at the island and slumped in your seat, "What I really want is pizza. Too bad we can't order any yet." You puckered your lips disappointment.
"I can go buy you a frozen one and bake it.", he smiled softly, his palms down on the island leaning forward in your direction from the other side of the island.
"No, that's too much trouble, Chris."
He folded his arms and rested his elbows on the counter, causing him to lean even closer to you. He still displayed the same smile, he tilted his head and blinked slowly at you, "Nothing's too much trouble for you, sweetheart."
That got a coy little smile out of you. He just made you feel something... You hadn't felt very much of anything for months. You instinctively tilted your chin down a little, your gaze shifted down to one side and then you blinked as your eyes met his again.
His smile had gotten even bigger at your subtle response. He was damn near grinning now. 'Was that...', he thought, 'Was that a tiny spark? Did she just- flirt with me?' He reminded himself to not get too excited, take it easy, small steps for you both. But at least he felt a step closer to getting his little cuddle buddy back.
You were still smiling a little, "You're so good to me, Chris." His face softened a bit as you got up to round the island while you continued, "I'll just get some cereal. I'm sure you'd like to get a shower."
His brows pulled up in the center as he straightened and faced you when you opened the cupboard, "You sure? I can even go grab drive thru if you just don't wanna wait to eat. You could come with and eat in the car." You chuckled as you put a bowl down and closed the cupboard, then opened the drawer in front of you for a spoon.
Did he want to test the waters again?... He did. How could he not want to after how you just responded to his affectionate words? That cute little gesture had him greedy for more.
He took two steps, stopping behind you and you felt his body brush against your backside. You could feel the heat radiating from him as he spoke, "I really don't mind, hon." He lightly stroked your arm with a soft hand.
You felt a wave of butterflies in your stomach, immediately followed by a twinge of guilt. You gently pushed his touch down and away with your opposite hand as you turned just enough to smile up at him, "Cereal's fine. Thank you though." You continued what you were doing.
He feigned a smile and took a step back. 'Shit. That was too much. I may have just fucked up any progress between us. Awesome.', he thought. He leaned back against the island and folded his arms, trying to shake off your rejection and be happy, "Okay, we can get pizza for lunch or dinner- or both. Whatever you want. I'll get that shower now."
A few nights passed and you laid in bed a long while and couldn't sleep. A moment later it appeared as though Chris couldn't sleep either, because you heard his TV come alive with quiet sounds, the glow of it drifting out of his doorway, illuminating the kitchen slightly.
He had been thinking about you again like he always did. This time his focus was on just missing you sleeping in his arms, smelling your hair. That alone could lull him to dream land right now. He needed you close.
You needed him near as well. But, would you feel okay with it now? You didn't want to reject Chris's affections again, especially if you initiated. But, you felt like you'd held back long enough and his embrace had always helped you sleep. Now the need felt too strong to ignore.
He wasn't expecting you to show up in his doorway. He sat up, "Something wrong, hon?"
You shook your head and replied softly as you stepped closer to the bed, "No."
You watched him for any signs of disapproval of your actions while you lifted the covers. He just watched you climb into his bed. When you scooted close to his side, his heart skipped a beat when your leg touched his. He looked at you, his eyes flitting back and forth between each of yours. He was trying to read your intentions.
You put your head and hand against his chest and pushed gently to urge him to lay down and he did.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes in relief and gratitude as he wrapped his arms around you securely. You snaked an arm over his ribs and took in a deep breath of his scent. It calmed you, but also made you feel as though you had denied yourself this comfort for longer than you should have. Then you thought about his comfort.
You started to tear up a little and it was apparent in your voice, "I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you as much as you needed."
"Shhhh, it's okay, sweetheart. Just sleep." He kissed your head and then nuzzled it with his cheek. He was just so happy to hold you again... Finally.