Farewell
When you opened your eyes, you felt the warmth of a fimiliar body cuddled up to your back side, a heavy arm over your middle, holding you tight to the firm chest behind you. You felt warm, soft breath close to your hair and neck. Your surroundings were unfamiliar.
You remembered immediately where you were and how your life had changed so suddenly. You were hit by a pang of guilt... Regret. You felt now that you shouldn't have slept in the same bed with Chris, cuddled to sleep with him, sat in his lap last night and shared such an intimate moment with him. He was still with Sharon... And you still felt you belonged to Sebastian. The feeling ate at you now.
You shifted and Chris woke immediately, "Hey...", he said through a voice hoarse with sleep.
You forced a smile as you got up to go use the restroom, "Hey." You padded to the door.
"You okay?", he asked after you.
You stopped and turned to look at him, "I know you're being attentive, but I'm not going to be okay for a while."
He sighed heavily, folding an arm behind his head, "I know, hon. But that doesn't mean I won't keep checking."
You pressed your lips together and nodded, turning to go to the bathroom.
You and Chris went back home later that day. Over the next couple days there was a lot of sitting around, staring out windows, more crying, copious amounts of sleeping and just laying in your bed. Sometimes you would go out on the back deck and think. Other times you would just sit in the reading area and knit or crochet, listening to music. Whenever you tried to read or watch TV to distract yourself, your mind could never latch onto what you were doing. You felt like you should call Sebastian's mom, but couldn't bring yourself to do it. Though, Chris talked to her at one point.
You wrote Sebastian a letter. You would be flying out to the East coast for the funeral in a few days and you thought about leaving it with him when you said goodbye. You wrote about how much you missed him, that you hoped he was happy and that you hoped to be with him again someday... And the baby you both lost. You wrote that you would never forget how excited you were to start a family with him and how much of an amazing and loving person he was. And even though you didn't feel it yet, you had to write for yourself that you understood that it was his time and this is how it was meant to be. You thanked him for blessing your life with such deep friendship and the most fulfilling love you've ever felt. 'I love you. Goodbye for now.'
You had distanced yourself a bit from Chris over those days. You needed some time. Chris did his best to just give you the space you needed, though he never stopped taking care of you and checking on you. You did your best to be there for him too, from a traditional friend distance. You both talked with each other and hung out. You cooked for him and he cooked for you.
Even though you and Chris had only been the way you were before you were with Sebastian, less the intense embrace on your bed that first night and that kiss of his amongst the chaos. It just felt like it was wrong. You slept alone in your bed each night. Chris brought the other pillow up from Sebastian's bed so you could have them both; one to lay on and one to hold. You couldn't go in his room yet, there were so many intimate memories there.
The day you were dreading, but needing so badly, finally came. You, Chris and Sharon flew to Sebastian's hometown, where his parents lived and he would be buried. The rest of the group came out as well, but later.
The entire flight there, any outsider would've thought that you and Chris were a couple the way he fussed over you and you clinged to him. Sharon felt really awkward about it all... And she started to see something she thought she had seen a long time ago, but the reality of it finally hit her in the face. Chris loved you. And not just as a friend like he always claimed. He was in love with you. She started to cry about it on the plane, but just played it off as mourning and sympathy for those who had lost Sebastian.
The funeral was the next morning in a beautiful Catholic Church with boldly colored stained glass windows and ceilings as high as the heavens. You entered the church, your letter and a handkerchief clutched in your hand as Chris held you tightly to his side, Sharon in tow. Your emotions started welling up already. There was room off the foyer. You saw his parents standing at the open, double doorway, hugging people.
Though the doorway, you saw it; the casket. All you could see is that one of the two sections of it was open for mourners to say their goodbyes before the service. Your eyes filled quickly at the sight and you tried to take deep breaths, pursing your parted lips. Chris looked down at you and gave you a supportive squeeze. You both went to his parents as Sharon went to the chapel doorway and waited.
When Sebastian's mom took you in her arms, you and her both lost it and started sobbing.
"I'm so sorry, my darling.", she managed.
You pulled back, confused, "Wh...? You're sorry for me? No. I'm sorry. You lost your son; your only child."
"Yes, my lovely girl. But, you lost your other half."
You both hugged again and cried for a moment. She pulled back and kissed your forehead, giving your hand a squeeze as she released it. You hugged Sebastian's dad too. Neither of you said anything. You stepped back away from the doorway, staring at the casket you couldn't see inside of and waited as Chris finished his own exchanges with them.
He then came to you, swiping at his own red eyes. He took your hand and ducked his head down to look you in the eyes, "Do you want to see him?"
Your breath caught as you started to cry again. You nodded, your voice coming out a quiet whimper, your lips quivering, "Yes." You needed to. As much as you knew it would rip your heart out, you needed that closure to start to heal. That much you knew.
He took your hand and started to lead you into the room as you grasped at his arm with your other hand tightly. As you got closer, you started to tremble, your breaths came deeper and shaky, your heart pounding as you shut your eyes tight. You opened them again, when Chris's steps slowed and stopped in front of the casket.
You saw him and for a moment, it was like time had frozen. He was wearing a silver suit with a burgundy tie, his long hair slicked and pulled back. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping... So handsome. A part of you wished he would just sit up and take you in his arms.
You covered your mouth and squeezed your eyes shut hard and there was no holding back, your crying shaking your body. Chris had an arm around you, holding you close, his head against yours as he cried along with you. You opened your eyes again and wiped them. You slid your letter in his jacket over his heart, then placed a light hand over it as you continued to softly sob and gaze at his face once more. You kissed his forehead for a long beat and whispered, "I love you." Then you walked away.
The service itself was closed casket, it being open earlier only for those wanting to say goodbye during the viewing period. During the remaining time, you just sat there with Chris's arm around your shoulders, like and empty, wet-eyed shell. You only cried again at the burial site when they started to lower him into the ground. He's really gone now.
Everyone stayed in hotels that night before they would fly back in the morning. You, Chris and Sharon went to Sebastian's parents'. After dinner, you were talking with Seb's parents; all of you trying to have a normal conversation. Sharon, leaned into Chris and spoke quietly, "Can I talk to you?"
His eyebrows pulled up, "Uh, yeah. Sure." They both got up from their seats and Chris addressed the rest of you, "Excuse us for a moment." He and Sharon left the room and went to the front porch.
Sharon took a deep breath as her eyes welled up, "I'm gonna go back home."
Chris's brows furrowed, "Uh-- Why?"
She didn't see any sense in beating around the bush, "I can see how much you love her. We aren't going to work if your heart belongs to her. I guess I fooled myself. I saw it when we first started dating. Once she was with Sebastian I thought you had gotten past it. You hid it well, Chris. I just hope your weren't lying to yourself too." She was crying softly and sniffling now.
He pressed his lips together and his eyebrows pulled up in the center, "Sharon, I--" He sighed. She was right, but he didn't want to hurt her. He wanted to say something to make things better, but she was right. No hiding it now. "I'm so sorry.", was all he could manage. He never liked hurting anyone, ever. He felt like shit, but he believed he deserved to after leading her along like that... All in the name of trying to protect himself. 'You're a fuckin' dick, Evans.', he cursed himself silently.
He helped Sharon gather her things and she said goodbye to everyone, making the excuse that the hospital needed her back by morning to cover a shift. Chris escorted her outside and into a cab. He hugged her once last time, "I'm so sorry, Sharon. I never meant to hurt you. And I really do love you."
"I know.", she whispered, "But you love her more." She stepped back and forced a smile as she got in the cab. He watched it drive off and sat on the porch for a long while, wondering when all this chaos would end.