Distance
Chris got up and sat in one of the chairs in the reading area of the living room. He figured it best to give you a while before trying to go to you. Plus, he needed a moment himself.
He couldn't help it, kissing you. You were both hurting and he just wanted to make it better, to love you and to be loved by you. He just wanted to show you how much he really was there for you; all of him. He never wanted so badly before to hold you, kiss you, be everything you needed than he did now, while you were both desperate for comfort in your shared loss. But it was too soon for what he had done, you had just lost your other half.
He slipped into a state of catatonia, staring out the window in front of him at the trees and the eve of the porch. The sun was starting to set while his emotions peaked at beyond overwhelming. He was thinking a thousand miles an hour, but could no longer cry or even appear upset. Sebastian's last words to him kept playing in his mind like a broken record, 'Take care of my girl.'
And he promised he would. He had a promise to keep.
Meanwhile, you had crumpled into a sniveling heap on your bed, your face in Sebastian's pillow. And even though you ached to smell him, it only spurred your agony on to higher levels. After about 10 minutes of crying, your sobs quieted and stopped as you layed on your side and stared at the blank wall; empty, just like you. Tears still fell from time to time when you blinked, but you were silent now, just breathing; just exsisting as darkness crept in, consuming your room... and your heart. You then thought about what Chris had done; he kissed you. Why? You quickly realized that you really didn't have the mental capacity to try to figure it out right now.
You heard a quiet knock. "(Y/N)?", Chris's soft, deep voice came from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?" He waited for what felt like an eternity, his forehead resting on the door.
You didn't want to move, talk or even breathe... But you had a need; a need to not be alone anymore than you already felt inside. You needed contact, and Chris... Chris was the only one you wanted to comfort you right now. Even though you were swimming in confusion about his recent actions, he was the only one you wanted near. When you finally answered. Your voice was so small and weak that he almost didn't hear you. "Yeah.", you answered.
He opened the door cautiously. He could make out in the falling darkness that you were facing away from him on the bed. "Hey.", he said softly.
"Hey.", you answered back, not moving.
He walked to the bed and you felt it dip behind you. He just sat there for a long moment before he spoke, "What I did was out of line. I just- I just wanna be here for you always... to help you- to help you through this. Everything just got so overwhelming. I wasn't-- thinking straight. And the truth is, I-- I need you too right now."
Your face twisted up in tortured sympathy at his vunerable words, your eyes squeezed shut and a new wave of tears filled your eyes. But, you were silent, holding your breath. You needed each other and it tugged at your heart violently.
He didn't sense any change from you, so he just reached over and stroked your hair once, gently, slowly as he murmered softly, "I'm here, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."
You surprised him when your got up on your knees, turned and swiftly crawled onto his lap, sitting on his thighs, facing him. You starting crying again and held him tightly, his arms returning your embrace securely.
You felt so guilty for not yet acknowledging that he was hurting too. He lost his best friend of nearly a lifetime. "I'm sorry, Chris." You took his head in your hands and starting giving him quick kisses on his cheeks, temples and forehead; several in each spot while you held back sobs. You laid your forehead against his, your breath still coming in jagged chokes of emotion, "I'm so sorry, honey."
His eyes shut tight and his face was contorted with so many emotions with you calling him such a loving name and being so close to you, like this. Longing, restraint, guilt, agony, desire... They all bubbled to just under the surface. He couldn't. He had to hold back. Too soon. Too soon. It tore at his insides trying not to kiss you again. Fuck, he wanted to make love to you so badly, to give himself to you completely and for you to do the same for him. To bond with you in the most intimate way possible to try to ease the pain you were both feeling. But it would be wrong... So fucking wrong. He was so confused that he was even wanting you like that right now. He felt like a terrible person and like he was losing his mind. But, on the other hand, Jesus Christ, why? Why did he always have to hold back with you?! Fuck! He started to feel angry over it all. Everything; Sebastian's death, never getting to just fucking have you, to call you his own, feeling like a sorry excuse of a human being for wanting you right after finding out his best friend and your lover just died. He felt sick. He felt as though life and his own mind were taunting him, wanting him to break, just waiting for him to crack.
"Stop.", he whispered and gently started to lift you off his lap. He was barely holding everything in to keep it from ripping out of him in a rage.
You followed his lead and slid off, back onto your bed to sit as he stood and started for the door. You softly spoke, worry lacing your voice, "I'm so sorry. Chris... Please don't--"
He stopped, his voice was low as he ran his hand through his hair, agitated, "It's okay, hon. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not leaving you. I just need a minute."
"Okay.", you replied quietly, but he was already out of sight. You hung your head and listened as his footfalls receded. You were so confused. What the fuck is happening? You heard the front door slam. Did he just leave, like he said he wouldn't?
You stood, came out into the kitchen and flipped on the light intending to see if Chris was still out front. Instead, you were instantly assaulted by memories of Sebastian in the house. The tears came again and you sniffed. You thought about his empty room downstairs and how you would never again see him appear from behind that wall were the stairs came up to meet the kitchen. Everywhere you looked you were overwhelmed by a memory; an embrace, a laugh, a touch, a sigh, a kiss... a moment of passion where two became one. God, he was everywhere... He was everywhere, but nowhere. Another wave of torment took you as you just slid down the wall and into a weeping ball on the floor.
You laid there for a few minutes. Eventually, your crying became occasional whimpers. You closed your eyes. Fuck, it hurt. You heard the front door and Chris's footsteps, which quickened once he saw you.
"(Y/N)?!", he crouched down and started to lift you up, "Are you okay?" His expression was pained as he touched your cheek and stroked your hair out of your face as it was clinging to the tears on your cheeks and temples.
You started blubbering again, "He's everywhere, but he's not here. He'll never be here again."
Chris started crying himself again, then he muttered under his breath, "Shit. I shouldn't have left you alone in here, sweetheart. I'm sorry." He started to lift you and carried you to the only place he could think of that would have the least memories for you... His own bedroom.
He sat you on the edge of his bed, while you tried to calm yourself. He sat beside you and hugged you into his side, his cheek resting on your head.
He tilted his head to look at you and sniffed, "You wanna get out of here? We need to eat anyway. And we could stay at a hotel or a friend's for tonight... Or however long you need."
You held your breath and nodded through the still falling tears. You felt relieved at the suggestion, but also a little torn... You didn't want to leave where his memory was everywhere. But, you felt like if you didn't, at least for tonight that you would lose your mind. "Oh...", you spoke up, "What about Sharon?"
He pressed his lips together and nodded, "I'll need to talk to her tonight, I hope she'll understand."
Just as soon as he said it, he was almost entirely sure his relationship with her would not survive this situation... And he was starting to realize now that he had just been biding his time with her... He cared a great desl for her, but his heart just wasn't in it completely, because a part of it belonged to you. He may need to have a painful talk with her soon. He didn't want to hurt her, but, given his growing realization, he had to finally be honest with her... and himself. Fuck, just one more thing to kick him when he's down.
He called Nat as he started packing a bag for himself while you sat on his bed, waiting. Tony had been the one to break the tragic news to Chris. He said he would handle telling the other friends too and he would ask them to give you both some time today and that you or Chris would call them if you needed anything. Nat was relieved when Chris called, she really wanted to hold you. She had been crying all evening too. She and Bruce jumped at the chance to accommodate you and Chris for as long as you needed. She also offered to order you both delivery for something to eat.
"Nat's gonna order us some takeout.", Chris said to you as he stuffed clothes from his dresser into his bag, phone still to his ear. "What do you want, sweetie?"
You sniffed, playing with the tissue Chris had gotten for you. You went with something that held memories between you and Chris, "Um, Chinese, please?" You glanced up at him, managing the tiniest of smiles.
A corner of his mouth pulled up. That's what he had always ordered when it was just the two of you. It pleased him that you seemed to be trying to find comfort in something you both shared... in memories of being with him. He just hoped that eventually, after some healing, that you and he could share more... Many more memories filled with joy. He rattled off the usual order he got to Nat as he continued packing.
Once he had his own bag packed, he tossed it outside his bedroom door, against the wall.
He stood at the foot of his bed and dialed his phone again. You watched him and he blinked slowly at you, then averted his eyes as he started to speak, "Hey, babe." You could see he was quickly feeling uneasy and trying to keep his composure, "Um. I- Something terrible has happened. Sebastian passed away today." He stopped and swallowed hard. You could barely hear her panicked voice on the other end. He nodded and rubbed the back of his neck as he started to pace, his face strained. He was trying harder now to hold it in, "Ah- He- He was in a car accident on his way to the airport to come home from his business trip."
He looked at you to make sure your were okay while Sharon went on at the other end. You were just staring at the floor. He would've had the conversation in private, but he didn't want to leave you alone again and it was getting too late to call Sharon once you were both at Bruce and Nat's.
He continued, "Ah, no. Um, we're gonna stay with some friends tonight and we need to get over there now. I, uh- I'm gonna be staying with (Y/N)... Uh, probably for quite a while. She really needs me right now." He paused and listened for a beat, "Okay, I will. I'll talk to you later." Another pause. "Uh, love you, too.", he looked at you right after he said it, pressed his lips together and then looked at the floor just before disconnecting the call.
He pocketed his phone, took your hand gently and led you to your room, putting you in front of your dresser and went to your closet, "Where's your bag, hon?" You told him and he fetched it, bringing it to you. You packed your bag quickly, trying not to think too much.
Once you were done, Chris led you to his car, got you and the bags in and he drove off.
You couldn't help but feel like you were leaving Seb behind, alone in the house... Without you. You thought he'd be so lonely. The tears fell once again, even though you knew he wasn't there. You wondered in that moment if spirits really did live on. If they did, you hoped your Sebby was happy, wherever he was.
Chris saw you crying again and took your hand, squeezing it, "Oh, sweetheart..." He glanced at you. "I know, nothing's gonna make it feel better for a long while. But, you won't be alone. I'm still here, okay?"
You just sniffed and nodded.
Once you got to Nat's she came outside to meet you, Bruce in tow. She hugged you tight, her own eyes red. "Hey, girl. I love you. I'm here for you, okay?", she sniffrd.
"Thank you.", you said in a small voice.
Bruce had hugged Chris and took both bags for him. Nat caught Chris in a hug as well when he came to be by your side, taking your hand. You wrapped your other hand around his bicep, your head leaning on his shoulder. Nat rubbed your upper back as you all walked inside. Bruce gave you a hug inside, offering you a simple, "I'm so sorry, (Y/N)."
You thanked him.
There wasn't a whole lot said while you and Chris ate. You both thanked them and got ready for bed. Bruce showed you to their office with had a sofa bed in it. Bruce and Chris took off the cushions and pulled out the bed while Nat got pillows, sheets and a blanket.
Chris took a shower and brushed his teeth while you and Nat made the bed. After Chris was done, you showered and brushed as well. When you came back, the three of them were talking in the office.
Nat and Bruce in their desk chairs and Chris sitting on the foot of the bed. He nodded and offered you a bottle of water, which you took and sat near him, gulping half of it in one go. As the conversation carried on, he watched you drink, gave you s half-hearted smile and proceeded to rub your back while he listened to Bruce again.
Once they said their goodnights and left, Chris kissed your forhead and stood, "Call me if you need anything, hon."
Your brows furrowed, "Where you going?"
"The couch in the living room.", he replied.
Your face fell, "Okay." Right, he had a girlfriend.
He paused, thinking as you got up and pulled back the covers. You climbed in and started, "Can you ge-"
He switched off the light, but he walked back to the bed and started climbing in next to you.
"Chris... Sharon.", you reminded him.
"I told you that you wouldn't be alone... And I promised him that I'd take care of you.", he pulled you to him as you teared up a little. He put his arm out as you lifted your head and laid it in the crook between his shoulder and chest. He wrapped his arms around you, his cheek resting against the top of you head. His heartbeat, his scent, they calmed you as the memories of being held by him as you slept came rushing back. He continued, his voice soft, "I'll worry about everything else later."
"Chris...", you said softly.
You said his name the way you used to and it pulled at his heart.
"I really missed you.", your voice strained with emotion.
His heart skipped a beat, he closed his eyes hard and pressed his lips to your forehead for a long moment and then pulled away with a kiss to it before returning his cheek to your head, "I missed you too, sweet girl."