different wall
“My name is Y/n L/n.” My voice booms as I speak, and I don’t panic for once. It’s like I’m okay okay. Like this middle blocker in front of me is a person who makes me walk on clouds, so my gaze is fuzzy, but I’m okay with it because he’s there and good things happen when he’s here. “Well, that’s a nice name, L/n. It’s nice to finally meet you.” I smile, my cheeks bubbling over with dimples. I don’t even think about my appearance or the fact that Bethany is almost done in the washroom. I can only think about him. The fact that he isn’t put off by someone not known by the beauty standard. He’s just here with me.
I like his hands, they’re smooth and seem to have light callouses. His fingers are pale and long with a tiny mole on his knuckle. I’m holding his hand and shaking it. It seems like a business interaction, but it honestly feels like another part of me lit up at his touch, when I hold his hand it’s like we would’ve been together if we had just crossed paths earlier. But, this seems better- so much better somehow. “Thanks, but it’s just a family name.” I don’t like my mom. That’s something I now know. She was the perfect mom on the outside but never had enough emotional resilience to have kids. She was given a fake promise of my father staying, and now she doesn’t talk to me anymore. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hug her for the name that was her mother’s. “It’s a good family name.” I blink, and his smile is big, tiny. It’s everything all at once, burning into my eyes as he lets go of my hand. I have an urge to smile back, but I’m too stunned. “Alright, N/n- Oh…”
The door shuts with a noise in the quiet hallway. Suna turns at the embarrassing nickname Bethany gave me. I liked my real name more than ever right now that that made-up name was something I never knew anymore. I’d never respond to it if Bethany didn’t look at me with a smile. “Oh- Beth!” I can see the mischief in her eyes, swirling around as she glances between me and the famous volleyball player. “Well, isn’t this the famous-” “You saw him before- Um, it was nice to finally meet you?” I bow slightly, looping arms with the brunette. “If you’ll excuse us.” I quickly hurry off with my roommate, not letting her say anything as we quickly exit the place.
“So…” I’m staring at the knife in my hand, considering stabbing my best friend, or myself. That’s a reflex, honestly. I look up from the fruit, peach skin stuck to the stained cutting board. “So, what?” She rolls her eyes, reaching over and grabbing the slice of peach I wanted. “So, can you tell me about Suna?” I shrug, lining up a chunk of strawberry. “I don’t knwo what to say.” She scoffs, almost choking on the fruit before grabbing some water. “Don’t act like this-” “Like what-” “Like you’re a boring, blank person who doesn’t need to share their happiness because they want to keep everything to themselves because they wrongfully think that the joy will disappear the moment they acknowledge it…” She looks into my eyes, hazel honey swirling in her orbs as she redirects the conversation, “I’m also nosy.” I kind of smile, I think I do, but all I know is that the blade is very shiny and contrasts my skin so perfectly. So perfectly like I’m a kid again. “I… We met yesterday at the corner store-”
“Hey… are you okay?” I raise my head to the voice in front. He’s tall and has greenish-yellow eyes with contrasting brown hair. I didn’t know he was in this class, I think I’ve seen him with Daniel before- No, I bet I have with the way some girls are looking over here. He’s too tall not to notice. I open my mouth, struggling to find words with hundreds of eyes on me. “I’m… sorry?” My face scrunches in confusion, a bit of disgust at the insinuation that I needed help. I was fine. “Your…” He looks down at my computer. I’m going to go with the computer because I’m pressing on the backspace to the point where will definitely break into the computer. It’s that or my slightly uncovered arm. But only I can see. Only I can see what I’ve done to myself. Hopefully. He swallows, backtracking as I stop pressing on the key. “Right. Sorry.” “I didn’t say to apologize.” His eyes say something, they must. I’m just not good at deciphering them, unlike others. I nod, my hands in my lap, arms covered by the desk. I feel comforted. “...Was there something else?” He inhales. “Your…” He’s going to say it. I feel the word arms enter the air, mold on his tongue and poison the people around us. I get terrified looks. In my mind. “Daniel’s friend, right?”
I’ve never liked being confronted head-on with my problems, so this is no different. Daniel is too popular and I’m too… sick. It’s simple. We’ve agreed to never speak of each other. We’ll hang out after school, but anywhere else, we’re never together. “I don’t know who that is.” He nods. “Okay, well. Good luck with your sunflower project.” I don’t know how he knew, and the surprise in his eyes makes a smirk appear on his lips as he walks away. I guess he was just bored.
I told her about him, about the corner store and his friends, about the hallway, and his soft but calloused hands. That was all I had, and all I would ever have, I chalked it up to my personality, job. Everything would make me not see him, right? “Stop being like that.” She said randomly after changing. I rolled my eyes, handing her the bowl of fruit. “I’m sorry?” She scoffs playfully, snuggling closer to me, her shoulders under my arm as I force the blanket over both of us. “That’s what I mean- You don’t know what the future has in store for you. And it’s not like you’re a kid anymore. You don’t have bad coping mechanisms, you can drive and live wherever you want, go see a therapist again- N/n! You’re so grown up now!” I giggle at her words, nodding.
“Okay, okay, I see your point, but Suna just… He’s not into-into me, y’know?” She sighs. “You don’t know-” “I do… though. I kind of do.” I inhale as I smell the strawberry wafting up from the bottom of the bowl. “Even if he’s into my shape… He… He hasn’t seen under. He hasn’t seen the scars I have and it gets harder knowing that I did them to me and that watching them fade is a… A struggle on its own.” She blinks, watching my eyes slightly water and then stop, then repeat. “Y/n, you aren’t ugly, you’re gorgeous with your scars- They’re like nature’s tattoos.” I roll my eyes, feeling the water come to a head. “I’d even date you if I could- You just need more confidence, self-love. We should put you on a date~” I say no, obviously, but she persists. “N/n, c’mon you’re in your twenties- we both are. So that means we have to fuckup now with dating before it becomes too serious.” I snicker, her fork shoving itself in my mouth at that.
“I’m being serious. There’s something wrong with you if you think you’re not worthy of love just because of some scars on your body that you happened to be the cause of. Everything you went through as a kid won’t vanish if you move on… It’ll be like… embedded instructions in your brain on how to proceed. You’re a good human being and you better know it- Now play the next episode, I need to know what happens to the gay couple.” I hug her tighter unconsciously. No one deserves her.