different diner
It was the night Daniel graduated that things changed. I remember the way he looked at me, the way he pulled me away from anyone he knew because of the clothes I was wearing. I remember the moment he told me to go home with him. I remember the walk home, the glances, the worried words he spewed, and finally, the one question I didn’t want to hear. “You’ll stop, right?” We had been friends for nearly two years and he had never insinuated that he wanted or needed me to stop. I knew I had to, I knew that the more I did it the harder it’d be to stop. But, there was one problem. The more I did it, the more I felt needed. I felt like I was fueling something for Daniel, and that, maybe, I wouldn’t get useless as quickly. Sadly, it’s been two years, maybe one since he found out, so, it was enough. I was getting- I was codependent on Daniel, and he was finally tired of me, so it was bound to happen. The slashes on my skin were finally old to him. Had I not done it enough? What if I did it more? What if I never did it? Is my worth gone, again?
“Do you want me to stop?” The air was warm, the sun gone and only left with the moon in the sky as the stars tried to outshine it. “I…” I wanted to know what he was thinking, but there was a phone call. And the more I looked at him, the more his tinted teeth showed as he smiled, the more he nodded and smiled and spoke, the more I realized, Daniel was done with me. Daniel would never feel that way with me, no matter what. So that’s when I gave up and became more of a problem. “I think you should date Synthy.”
Synthy is a songwriter and singer now. She has written so many things about Daniel ever since she was in her teens. I can recall the days she asked for my notebooks to see what I was writing. I remember denying her, and then, she’d hand over her own. After a while, we became distant, and I know it was because of Daniel. She was using me, I think. The days at an old bookstore, the two of us studying together, the snacks at the vending machine- Those were all tools of manipulation, there were no good memories between us.
“And she’s…” My tea is a translucent light brown in a red cup. Anytime he moves his hands, leans on the table, laughs too hard, or when I move- It breaks the still setting I had put it in. And I want it to be okay. I want to be okay when I’m around him again. “Y/n?” But I can’t let go of the words he once said, the time he let go between us. “Y/n?” The way he cut his hair too short, the way he grew too much. I wanted him, I wanted to be the one to have her life. I wanted her to be my friend again. I just want to go back in time. I hate time. Too much of it isn’t good, but too little will make me stay in the bloody sheets I refused to wash, the tainted metallic room I had to sit in, the days when my mother would berate my appearance, the depressive years where I could barely get out of bed, where I couldn’t shower. I don’t want to go back then, but I want to have back then. I want to appreciate the little time I had left with my friends. “Y/n?”
“What?” I look up. His coat is on me, his maroon, Inarizaki jacket is on me, and his smile isn’t for me. “Synthy likes you and…” I said too much already. There’s something broken in Daniel’s eyes the moment I say this. It’s like I broke his heart. “You should go for it.” “Christ, Y/n- I just said you should stop cutting- No, I asked. You’re too dramatic.” That was one out of two times that behavior would show in my youth.
“Sorry, what?” Daniel smiles slightly. He's wearing a white formal shirt, his muscles almost bulging out of the shirt. His black formal jacket is next to him and he’s wearing a silver ring on his right hand. A silver ring is on Synthy’s left ring finger. “Listen, if I get too boring, you can just tell me to shut it.” I let a tiny, forced, smile take my lips. “No, it’s fine… I think it’s close to closing time anyways.” He raises a brow. “What? You want to leave now-” “Yes.”
We can’t look at each other like we usually did. Or I can’t. I think it’s just me again. It’s just me because we’ve grown apart and I’ve accepted it. “How’s Synthy?” He nods, kicking his shoe in the water. “Good… Like I said.” I blink, nodding. I forgot to pay attention again. “Right, sorry.” “No problem.” We can’t always see each other, and we can’t always text each other. Are we strangers now? I was low maintenance as a child, and now, now I want to have more. And today, today is my more. I was the first to reach out. “Daniel?” And he didn’t respond until nine at night. “Yeah?” Three weeks later. “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.” My brows are furrowed because I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.
All I remember is the days he’d let me into his home, force me to play video games I’m terrible at, let me shower in his bigger, glass shower, cook me breakfast, let me sleep in his bed while he’s on the floor until I was comfortable enough with him, the days he took me shopping and bought me manga, and care about me. All I can think about is the times he’s cared about me. The times he told me it would be alright, helped me with my period cramps, let me use his shower to wash away my blood and embarrassments. I want him to stay caring about me. I want him to pat my cuts dry, tell me it would be okay. I don’t want to be the only one who did it. I don’t want to be in my third year, walking beside no more Synthy, watching as she accidentally bumped into me while texting Daniel, having to stay in a classroom and bandage my own cuts. I don’t want to be a loner anymore, and I think it’s okay. But I don’t want to lose the one person who helped me when he was there with me. “What?”
I’m wearing sneakers, a long-sleeved shirt under a red jacket, and fuzzy pajama pants. “Daniel,” I start, thinking about the day he found me, introducing me to the school because of course he was on student council. “We don’t see each other anymore. Our hangouts are forced, I’m hurt, and I-” “Are you cutting?”
“What?” His eyes widen at what he just said. “N-no- What I meant to say was… I won’t tell anyone, just- Just let me help?” I think I nodded.
All I know is that Daniel Saver will always be a friend who led me to where I am now. He helped, but also hurt. And hurt people can’t help- Shouldn’t help someone, I know from experience.
“Hello!” I look and smile, bowing slightly. “Hi!” She’s young, new here. She has h/c hair and e/c eyes. She’s very skinny too. I get to browse around before my tears finally taint my cheeks. I have to browse for a while, only acknowledging the normal, comforting display, the large bags of chips, the freezer stocked with sweets. I stay by the cold freezer packed with sweets. I stay and hold my hands on it, feeling my warmth soak into the cold, just like my blade did to my fat skin. I inhale and carefully, meticulously peel back the slideable opening. I let my arm float in the cold atmosphere, waiting for a sting or something. After a chill up my spine, I reach and grab the big, cold bag of frozen popsicles. I try not to press too hard, but I do, and I feel it. I feel cold and pain and prickles of knives in my finger tips. They were always the first to go. I relax my hand, feeling every bone in my body relax before I grip harder and do it again, and then again, and then again.
“L/n?” I freeze. It’s funny because this is the arm I used to hurt mostly. The arm I cover the most, the arm I have to hide because of people’s reactions. I quickly look at him, short brown hair, pale skin, angular face, greenish-yellow eyes, short eyelashes. “Suna.” He glances down at the freezer, and true to the name, I freeze. I can see his tongue mold the words, I see the words, the sentence that shattered any chance with him wrap around me, I see it happening. In my mind. “Popsicles?” He doesn’t comment on my arm, like all that time ago.