Chapter 14
“I paint the way some people write their autobiography. The paintings, finished or not, are the pages of my journal, and as such they are valid. The future will choose the pages it prefers. It's not up to me to make the choice.”
― Françoise Gilot, Life with Picasso
Bucky was humming in the kitchen when Steve saw him next. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his friend so at ease and knew he should be glad.
Dinner hadn’t gone as Steve expected, not that he hadn’t prepared for a little awkwardness. But he did not anticipate Howard Stark barging in to offer Bucky a new arm. Even less, he never expected Bucky to agree. Without hesitation.
But he was trying to remember the point Peggy had made. It wasn’t his body. And he should probably try to keep an open mind, especially since he had never considered that the prosthetic itself was hurting Buck. Still… he couldn’t seem to stop the worry.
“So are you really gonna do it? Be a test subject for Stark?”
“Yeah,” Bucky replied. “I am.”
“Listen I get it. But we’re not just talking about you getting a new prosthetic. From what I’ve heard, Stark can get pretty wild with inventing. I just don’t want you to be stuck like some kind of lab rat.”
“Maybe. Stark might be a little nuts, but I’ve studied his stuff. He knows what he’s talking about. And he’s a perfectionist especially when he sees potential. And honestly, what kind of guy would I be to turn down free cutting edge tech from a billionaire genius? I don’t have the potential to make a difference on my own anymore. But he sure does. So if I can get help that will benefit others, well, this is a price I’m willing to pay.”
“Yeah, okay.”
He sighed, wishing he could shake off his concerns.
“It’ll be fine Steve,” Bucky said. “So did you know your girlfriend knew Howard Stark?”
“Yeah, they’ve known each other for years. I’ve even…” He trailed off. It’s a good story, a great one really, but he didn’t know if he should share it.
“Even what? What?”
Steve bit his lip, remembering Peggy in a bathing suit. “Let’s just say his rooftop pool is pretty great.”
Bucky looked at him with wide eyes. “You’ve been in his pool? With Peggy?” He started to laugh. “Unbelievable. Shit man. You’ve been holding out on me.”
His cheeks hurt from grinning at the memory.
Steve headed out to meet Peggy for a late afternoon coffee break when he ran into Gina and her daughter. Gabi, wearing her school uniform, bright pink backpack dangling off her back, was skipping through the lobby with what looked like a stack of books.
“Hello,” Steve called to them with a wave.
“Hi!” Gabi grinned, still bouncing as Gina headed for their mailbox.
“Whatcha got there? New adventure books?”
“Uh huh! Mommy and I went to the library. I got to pick five books today!”
“Five! That’s a lot,” he replied.
“It’s Friday! No school tomorrow so I get to read more,” she explained. “And I read so fast!”
Gina laughed. “Well that’s certainly true. Best reading skills of the whole second grade her teacher just told me.”
“Wow! Now that’s impressive,” he said with a wide grin that made Gabi giggle.
“By the way,” Gina said while she locked her mailbox. “I’ve been meaning to thank you. The landlord actually fixed that buzzer.”
He smiled and shrugged at her. “It’s really no problem.”
“Well, I really appreciate it. Between that and my mom also noticing there was actual paint on the walls the last time she was here, she’s been less on my back about living in this building. I think she’s starting to think it’s not all so bad.”
“Well hey, it’s a start. I’m glad to have helped,” he told her. “Have a good weekend. Enjoy your reading!”
He’s almost out the door but could still hear Gabi’s excited recitation of the titles of her newly borrowed library books. The pureness of it made him smile all the way to the subway.
There’s a certain chill to the breeze that reminded Steve that summer was really over. Sure, the eighty-degree weather still lingered, and knowing New York, would continue into October, but the days were starting to shorten already, and it was only a matter of days until astronomical fall began. Slowly, the balmy streets were beginning to cool.
So much had already changed since the spring. He could hardly believe the summer had come and passed, both in a flash and in a prolonged bubble of happiness. Somehow, incredibly, he’d been dating Peggy for two months. It felt longer. He was sure it must have been longer, for how deeply rooted his feelings were. For the kinds of thoughts he was having, the kind he was sure weren’t meant for the usual two-month timeline of a relationship. He couldn’t help it.
The change in weather, brought about all the other changes of the season, t-shirts now aided with sweaters, jackets, an occasional scarf; the growing dark nights. It all called for other kinds of changes.
“I think I’m going to find a new therapist too,” Steve mentioned to Peggy over coffee. “I mean, mine’s nice enough but…”
“You’re just not getting that much out of it anymore? That’s okay Steve. Your needs are different than they were six months ago.”
“That’s what Sam said. We’re all different and we respond differently to certain techniques.”
She nodded. “Do you want help finding a new therapist?”
“Actually Sam gave me a suggestion. I think I’ll give it a shot.”
She squeezed his hand. “I think that’s a great idea Steve. And if there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”
It’s the one afternoon in days he actually managed to spend time with her. Work had her so incredibly busy that dates had been relegated into texts and calls. Between Peggy’s hectic schedule, and Bucky now heading into Stark’s lab every day, he’s been stuck with a little too much time on his hands. His new therapy appointment wasn’t for days either.
Even work wasn’t keeping him as occupied as usual. Steve’s day had been cut short. Again. There had been delays at his new jobsite, and the project fell behind schedule for the second time that week, causing Miller send to send a bunch of them home early. He ended up walking most of the way home, feeling strange to have so much time on his hands, and no one to go see. He could probably stand with something to do. Chores maybe. Grocery shopping even. Just something.
“Hello there,” Gina Hernandez greeted with a smile from her mailbox when he entered the lobby. “Nice hot day for September.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
They were about to part ways when he was reminded of something. “Wait. Your daughter. She wanted to paint her bookcase pink right?”
“Oh, right. Gabi saw some picture on the internet of some girl with bright pink bookshelves. She’s been obsessed with the idea ever since.”
“I could paint them for her.”
“Oh! That’s so sweet but I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“Honestly, it’d be fun. My best friend and girlfriend have long hours right now, while I’m having short workdays. Beats the boredom. It wouldn’t take long. I’d just need to sand it and put a few coats of spray paint on it. And what’s a couple hours of work in getting the star reader of second grade the perfect bookshelves?”
“Really? You could do something like that?”
“Easy,” he replied. “Tell you what. I’ll find out if I have a morning off sometime soon, and if so I can even do it while Gabi’s at school and you can even surprise her when she gets home.”
Gina grinned and Steve started planning. A project. Having a project felt good.
The phone woke him around ten. He’d been fast asleep. He saw Peggy’s name and he cleared his throat.
“Hey Peg.”
She immediately sighed. He didn’t like the sound, immediately sensing something was wrong, just as she surely could tell he’d been sleeping.
“You were asleep.”
“Hardly. Are you alright?”
Another sigh. “I…”
“Where are you? Home?”
“No. No I… I don’t… Could I come stay at yours?”
He sat up in bed. “Are you okay Peggy?”
“I’m fine. Really. I just… I’m not far and I wanted to see you.”
He still didn’t like the flatness to her voice. “Yes. Of course. You can always come by.”
Steve slipped a t-shirt on. It was only a couple minutes before he buzzed her in. She really had been close. The second he opened the door, she reached for him. He hugged her tight, kicking the door shut. He felt her sharp breaths against his chest, pressing a kiss to her hair.
“Hey,” he whispered with a smile, leaning down for a quick kiss.
The circles under her eyes were particularly noticeable. She hadn’t been sleeping well then.
“Sorry I woke you.”
“Don’t be.”
He locked the door and with an arm still around her, shepherded her into his room. She set her purse down and sat on his bed, rubbing her forehead and kicking off her heels. He opened a drawer and pulled out a clean shirt for her.
“Why don’t you change? You’ll be more comfortable.”
She nodded absently at him but took the offered shirt. He watched her shed her blazer, then pants, draping each neatly, so he decided to hang them for her instead. When he turned back, she was down to undergarments, his blue shirt still clutched in his hands, staring blankly ahead at nothing.
“Peggy?” She snapped back into focus. He sat down next to her. “You sure you’re okay?”
She nodded and still clutching his shirt, curled up against his pillow. He followed suit, quietly lying next to her.
“Work?” he asked softly. She nodded. “Can I do anything?
She turned and rolled into him, head against his chest. “No. This is what I wanted.”
He brushed her hair back and pulled her tighter into his arms. He let her be, more than happy to offer his support in whatever way she wanted it, cuddles working just fine for him. He figured she might even fall asleep that way, nestled against him. She didn’t say anything but he could tell she was awake. He rubbed gentle circles against her arms and back.
“Could you do me a favor?” he heard her ask. “Could you just talk? Tell me about your day. Anything please. I need to get out of my head.”
He nodded and kissed the top of her head and started telling her about the new jobsite, leaving no extraneous detail out. He went on about the building, about the color scheme, and then finally when he’d run out of work talk, told her his plan to paint a bookcase for the little girl downstairs.
She gasped suddenly. “Shit! I was supposed to get you in contact with Jarvis. He wants to get something special for the ninth anniversary of his marriage to Ana, and wanted to ask you to paint something for her. I completely forgot to mention it! I was supposed to butter you up into saying yes. Damn it.”
He kissed her shoulder and tightened his arm around her. “It’s okay. Leave me his number. I’ll call him tomorrow.”
“Really?”
He chuckled. “Yeah. What’s another fun project?” He kissed her again. “Relax Peg. Just relax. I’m here for whatever you need.”
After a long stretch of silence she turned to face him with a sigh.
“Mostly I’m tired,” she told him, “and I didn’t want to go home and be alone.”
He nodded, squeezing her hand. “You’re always welcome.”
She offered up a smile. “You’re very sweet darling.” She kissed him once then stood, pulling his shirt over her head.
“Can I get you anything? Something to eat or drink?”
She shook her head. “I’d rather just put an end to this day. I’m just going to wash up and use the loo.”
He decided he would at the very least get her a glass of water. He heard the bathroom sink running on his way to the kitchen. Back in his bedroom, he set the glass down on the little bedside table for her and rearranged the pillows and covers, reaching into his closet for an extra blanket.
He heard voices, one definitely sounding like Bucky, so he stuck his head out into the hall. There, Peggy stood, clad only in his t-shirt that came to her knees, right in front of an amused Bucky. He missed the tail end of their conversation.
“Nice to see you again Carter. Have a good night you two lovebirds.”
She didn’t seem disturbed by Bucky’s obnoxious wink. Before she had even made it all the way inside his room, door still wide open, Bucky doubled-back and stuck his head inside.
“By the way,” Buck said, “my ma said you’re both kindly invited to attend the next family dinner. I get the sense, she’s pretty interested in meeting you Peggy.” He grinned devilishly and shut the door behind him before either of them had managed to respond.
“Family dinner, huh?” Peggy said, plugging in her phone and tying her hair back.
“Yeah.” He shrugged a little helplessly. “Mrs. Barnes is a great cook and all of Buck’s siblings’ significant others are usually invited. Except this guy his middle sister was dating for a while. He was such a jerk. When Mrs. Barnes put her foot down that he wasn’t allowed back in the house, she finally broke up with him. Two weeks later, he was arrested for a DUI. Totaled his car smashing into someone else’s car. Luckily everyone was okay.”
“So she’s a good judge of characters?”
“Scarily accurate. Partly a mom thing I think. She always knows.”
“So Bucky reported back. And I’m still invited?”
He chuckled. “I mean, what’s not to like?” He shrugged again. “You totally don’t have to. I know your schedule is really hectic.”
She slipped into bed, pulling the covers over herself.
“Do you want me to close the window? I was running kind of hot, but there’s a breeze now.”
She shook her head and shifted closer to him. “You’ll keep me warm.”
Steve turned out the light and pulled her back against his chest. “I can definitely keep you warm.”
She hummed sleepily, and he felt her fingers slip between his. She really must have been exhausted, because Steve was sure she had fallen asleep the next minute. Poor Peggy. She was being run ragged. It did, however, make him glad that she wanted to come over, that sleeping next to him brought her some peace.
After work, he met Jarvis at the Stark residence on the Upper East Side. It’s the first time he saw the floor the Jarvises had to themselves just below Stark’s penthouse. The layout was similar, but the contents much more varied, open and colorful; a perfection representation of Ana and Jarvis’ marriage he suspected.
While Jarvis was making him a perfect British cup of tea, Steve sat at the kitchen island perusing the couple’s wedding and honeymoon photo album. It was a thick, leather-bound book, styled more like a scrapbook, with ticket stubs, postcards, and other keepsakes tucked in alongside the photographs. The beautiful memento absorbed Steve’s attention.
“And you had the ceremony here?”
“Yes, indeed. A small courthouse wedding shortly after I was granted my dual American citizenship, I’m sure to the horror of my ancestors. But it was necessary, especially in Ana’s case, and I shall not regret any decision that keeps me with her.”
Steve smiled at him. He remembered the story Peggy had mentioned about his wife almost being deported. He believed that Jarvis would do anything for his wife, and he understood that capability of true love.
There’s a photo of Jarvis and Ana kissing in the courthouse. The simplicity of it, and yet the pure happiness, moved Steve. And there was no need to ask who took the photo, when in the next one Howard’s face showed up, taking up most of the frame with his mustachioed-grin as Ana and Jarvis looked toward the camera with smiles. It’s another reminder that there’s more to Stark than his public persona. That he and Peggy genuinely had some sort of functional friendship apart from work. That he was the kind of man who would happily be a witness at his butler’s wedding. That was the guy in charge of fixing up a new arm for Bucky.
“Nothing wrong with an intimate wedding,” he told Jarvis.
“Indeed Mr. Rogers,” Jarvis said, setting down the cup of tea and a plate of scones. “Naturally, going to Hungary for the honeymoon seemed right. Ana doesn’t have much family left there, but I know she enjoyed it so.”
“How long was your trip?”
“Two weeks. We travelled all across the country. We spent the most time in a little hilly village that Ana visited with her parents as a young girl. She remembers dancing in the valleys of flowers fondly. I thought it an appropriate honeymoon location.”
From the photos alone, Steve would have agreed. But to know Jarvis had taken his wife to a place of happy memories, made his heart warm.
It reminded him of his parents. How his mother had always fondly talked about their honeymoon. When they first married, there had been little money for a real trip, definitely not to visit their family roots among the rolling green in Ireland. In its stead, his father had devised a little road trip up the Hudson River Valley, to the large green vistas, with a final destination in the Catskills for two nights in a modest cabin. As close to the rocky greenery he could get his wife at the time. His mother had always said the thoughtful consideration his father made of her wishes made their honeymoon magical even without the luxuries.
They’d managed to finally take that trip to Ireland in honor of their second wedding anniversary. It was funny to remember he was conceived there, among the rolling countryside pastures of his great-grandparents.
“Never thought about having kids?”
He hadn’t expected the profound silence that met his question, and when he looked up there was something tragic in Jarvis’ eye.
“Unfortunately, we are unable to have children of our own.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s quite alright Mr. Rogers. Ana and I have long come to terms with that. The important thing for us was that we had each other. The rest… well there are always options. There are plenty of ways to have a family. Perhaps one day we’ll consider children again. Perhaps not. For now, friends, loved ones, and as many pets as Ana would like, that’s the family we cherish.”
Steve met Jarvis’ smile with his own. After a while, he resumed his perusal of the album. He stared at a photo of Ana and Jarvis wrapped up in a hug, looking intently in each other’s eyes and not the camera. He knew better, but could not shake the image that floated into the back of his mind. He didn’t dare to name it, not even in his head. But it was Peggy he saw.
“This is a stunning view,” Steve told Jarvis about a photo of the couple among the fields of flowers, a little house in the background. “Is this what you’re thinking for the painting? You two in the foreground, with the fields and house behind?”
“I do think that would make a lovely reminder of the beginnings of our family.”
Steve nodded. “I think that’d make a great anniversary gift.”
He continued to flip through the album, taking a few pictures with his phone. While Jarvis had gone to retrieve the laundry, Steve pulled out his sketchbook and started sketching rough lines and proportions. He flipped to another page in the album and found a photo of a young Ana and her parents. Before he realized where the inspiration has led him, he’s add a few figures to the sketch.
“Already at work?” Jarvis asked seemingly surprised.
Steve’s fingers were itching. He wanted to continue this, a crisp, clear image already taking over his imagination.
“I have an idea,” he told Jarvis, then held up a finger before returning to his scribbling.
After a few minutes, he slid the sketchbook in front of Jarvis.
“I know it’s rough—”
“This is simply wonderful,” Jarvis said. “Now this, Ana will love.”
Steve had always walked out of therapy sessions with a clouded head and feeling a little less heavy but this was the first time he ever walked out of a session with an easy smile. To be fair, as this was his first appointment with Sam’s recommendation, the hour was informal, a few questions about his background at the beginning, but after that it felt more like a conversation.
Between discussions of his old therapy routine and just getting to know each other, they ended on support systems, more specifically, on how Steve seemed to be more in control of retaining the kind of support system he deserved and needed. A supportive romantic relationship, as well as a strengthened friendship with Bucky. Even those weekly group sessions being actively creative with the art therapy group down at the VA. It all made his day-to-day more bearable. More and more, he just felt like Steve Rogers again.
It was a world of difference from those early weeks freshly out of the hospital. Sure, the nightmares still came, but there were hands to hold onto, people to confide in. He no longer felt isolated and desperately alone. That made all the difference.
The plan was set in motion. Steve had a morning off and he’d already borrowed a power sander and quick-drying polyurethane from Miller who had even given him a few tips when Steve told him about the project. Gabi was already at school, and Gina led him to the bookcase that she had cleared off. He carried it just outside the apartment where he could still use the sander with an extension cord. Once the wood was smooth, he snapped the top off the first can of pink spray paint he had purchased.
Steve applied the paint coats with ease, down to every inside corner and cranny. It wasn’t hard to feel cheerful with the pink brightening up the New York sidewalk. He left the bookcase just outside the Hernandez’ door to dry completely while he went upstairs to wash his hands and set the tools away. When he’d come down to check on it, another idea came to mind and ran back up for his acrylic paints and a small round brush.
“This looks amazing Steve,” Gina said when he knocked on her door.
“Almost done. I had an idea for a finishing touch. Does Gabi have any other favorite colors? I thought I could paint her name on the side too.”
“Blue and purple.”
“Blue and purple it is,” he repeated with a grin.
With a flourish, he painted her name, adding a little accent of a flower as the dot in the last letter of her name.
The finishing coats took the most time, painstakingly waiting for each layer to dry before adding the next. Still, by one o’clock, it was finished.
“It should be fully dry and ready to touch by the time Gabi gets home.”
“She’ll love this,” Gina told him. “This was so kind of you. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. This was fun. Trust me, bright pink is so much more fun than gallons and gallons of white. Brightens up my week.”
“She’s going to be squealing for days.”
He grinned. “Let me know how the surprise goes over,” he said to Gina on his way out.
Gina laughed. “Lots of shrieking and jumping around for sure. And then bragging to her classmates I’m sure. Thank you so much Steve.”
“You’re welcome. Have a great day.”
Peggy hadn’t been sleeping much again. It was plain to see her exhaustion and stress, when she bothered to leave the office at all. He’d been seeing her less and less. He chalked it up to a busy workload, but by the time they had a real date, lasting more than twenty minutes for the first time in ages, he realized that she’d been a little too quiet, and even distant.
“Is everything okay at work?”
“Hm?” she asked distractedly. “Business as usual. Just a lot of hours.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “Did I do something unintentionally? Or did Bucky say something stupid because—”
“No. No. Everything’s fine.”
He made a point to meet her eyes. He knew that wasn’t true.
“Something’s bothering you. What’s going on?”
She sighed and crossed her arms. “It’s just something stupid Howard said that unfortunately he might be right about.”
His neck turned curiously at her words. “Oh? And what might that be?”
She sighed again and took a step back. “Honestly? About me being too emotionally charged when it comes to you.”
He didn’t like the way his stomach dropped at that. Was this how she broke up with him? His throat felt tight and he couldn’t find any words.
“I never looked you up,” she said.
It was definitely not what he had expected her to say.
“Um?”
Another sigh.
“After I learned your name, when I suspected I was already developing feelings for you. I never ran a background check on you because it hadn’t felt fair. I went as far as typing your name in. Captain Steven G. Rogers, U.S. Army, 107th Infantry. Just like you said. It was the only concrete information I needed. I had already trusted you.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“No. Steve. It’s just… in my profession it just makes practical sense for me to do a background check on a man I’ve come to care about.”
He could understand that. “So you’re worried you jumped into things with me?” he asked, his heart still pounding with worry.
“No. I don’t regret it Steve. Not a single minute,” she said, her eyes soft and reaching for his hand. “Howard meant it on a professional level.”
“Meaning what? He thinks you can’t do your job because we’re together?”
She bit her lip. “Not exactly.”
He was thoroughly confused. Peggy didn’t regret being with him. That was great news. But she still looked upset. That didn’t bode well. How was being with him affecting her job anyway?
“I don’t think I understand.”
“Could we sit down?” That sounded serious. Like something he should worry about. But she didn’t keep any distance from him on the couch. She even held his hand. “Steve?” she asked. “Are you happy? With your work?”
He didn’t have a ready answer for her. Was he happy with his work? It was fairly routine again, with Miller occasionally giving him more creative tasks, like painting and lacquering custom built furniture. Sometimes storefronts needed temporary signage to hang, big block letter, careful cursive. He got to paint those too.
On the other hand, did he feel like he was thriving in a sea of swarthy guys who cared more about doing as little as possible until it was time to go? He felt for Miller, really, a fair boss who’d given Steve a job when no one else did.
But Steve finally felt comfortable with the routine of it, the hours, the physical labor. He’d even learned a few things. There were tangible results at the end of every day. And he couldn’t complain about the pay either.
“It’s fine,” he finally answered.
“Just fine? Is it something you want to be doing for a while?”
He shrugged, suddenly reminded of how Bucky called it a temporary job. The possibility of a military job seemed long off now, but he hadn’t been wishing for one either. He didn’t know what he wanted to be doing. He never set a real plan, never dared to dream about an alternate career, or what life could look like outside of active duty. Maybe he should have.
“I’m not sure. I like it for now.”
“There was a specific concern Howard had,” she admitted slowly. “As you can imagine, Howard is not one to leave things alone. Stark believes my feelings for you has clouded my focus on a particular aspect of my job. And the more I think about it, the more it seems inevitable that he was right.”
Steve looked at her, even more confused.
“Stark said I was too close to see clearly. He believes that otherwise I would have acknowledged your potential. That I would have flagged you as a potential recruit months ago. You and Bucky actually.”
This was definitely not what he expected. He was at a loss for words.
“I think instinctually, I was being selfish. Because I care so much for you, and you’ve been through so much Steve. I wanted to protect you, even if there were benefits to the prospect.” She sighed again. “I hadn’t even asked what you wanted. I just assumed that my actions were in your best interest. As unconscious as they might have been. And that’s an issue. Because I should have at least thought to ask. To give you the option. For you and Bucky.”
“A job?” he asked, still confounded.
“Yes,” she said. “Perhaps, I was trying to prevent an opportunity where I couldn’t maintain my professionalism with you.”
This made his lips turn up, and he squeezed her hand, plainly seeing the uncertainty and doubt in her expression.
“Come on, tell me you don’t actually believe that,” he said. “You really think just because we’re in a relationship you wouldn’t still be making the same decisions at work?”
“It’s possible Steve. Face it, you’re a soft spot of mine.”
He shrugged. “Maybe. But I know the score. I’ve been in those situations. And I know you. You stick to your guns. And even if we disagree, I’d always respect that.”
She tucked her head into his shoulder and he held her tight.
“So this isn’t you breaking up with me?”
“Steve.” She reached up to cup his cheek. “No.”
He nodded. “Good because Peggy, I am in this. Whatever else happens, I want to be with you.”
She kissed him, and when she pulled away he noticed that her uncertainty was no longer there, and her whole body opened up. They cuddled up on the couch for a long time in silence.
“So a job?”
“Mm. They want to have to bring you two in for a meeting.”
The next morning, Steve and Bucky received the same phone call from a Colonel Phillips, requesting a meeting on behalf of the U.S. Military. They were given an address and a date. It led to a nondescript office building, no signage, not even in the lobby. At the reception desk, a young man immediately supplied them with temporary ID badges, already bearing their photos above a large visitor label. He then breezily shuffled them to an elevator where he slid a card into the elevator’s interface, wishing them a good day before the doors shut leaving the two alone to shrug at each other.
The elevator deposited them on the fourth floor, at another reception desk sitting between long hallways leading off to the left and right. Still, there was no revealing features from which to divine any secrets. The receptionist smiled brightly and led them into a closed door down the hallway to the right of her post. It was an empty conference room.
“Can I offer you something to drink? Coffee? Or water?” she asked while he and Bucky chose seats together at one side of the table.
“Guesses on which letter agency this is?” Bucky asked out of the corner of his mouth once she’d gone. “DHS?”
“Not sure,” he replied. “Guess we’ll find out.”
The receptionist returned with their drinks, leaving three extra glasses and a large bottle of water on the table.
“The Colonel will be with you in just a few minutes,” she announced before leaving again.
He hardly had the opportunity to finish studying the room before the doors opened again and three people walked in. Stark was the first one inside, grinning, still half turned as if he’d just finished telling the others something funny. The man who followed had graying hair and a serious expression. Even if he wasn’t wearing his formal gear, Steve would have known for certain this was Colonel Phillips, reminding him exactly of his old field commanders. Peggy was the last one inside, holding a portfolio and giving them both a measured smile.
“Gentlemen,” said Phillips.
Without even thinking, he and Bucky stood to salute him.
He returned it. “At ease,” he called before taking a seat across from them.
Across the table they shook hands. Stark was still grinning at ease at Phillip’s right, while Peggy sat to his left, directly across from Steve. He had to remind himself to tamp down his excitement of seeing her. After all, this was a professional meeting. But he had been eager to see her in her element and was endlessly fascinated. The tailored black blazer, with a pop of red in her shirt and lipstick looked sharp, but it was the way she held herself that beheld the majority of the exuding commanding presence. He felt a shiver.
“I have it on good authority that you’re familiar with both my colleagues, but for the sake of decorum, this is Howard Stark and Agent Carter. They head the division I oversee,” Phillips said. “So. Boys. I presume you’d like to hear exactly which agency we represent.”
Both he and Bucky leaned in eagerly. Howard hopped up from his seat right as Peggy pressed something on her tablet. The room went dark and the far wall came alive.
“I’ll remind you gentlemen that this is proprietary and privileged information.”
Howard chuckled. “Welcome to SHIELD.”
Steve recognized the geometric eagle emblem that now took up the wall screen. He’d seen it on a few of his more sensitive mission intel reports. Still, he hardly knew anything else.
“Phillips, Agent Carter and I run a fairly new subdivision, the Strategic Scientific Reserve. We specialize in counteracting all kinds of weaponized global threats from engineered pandemics, to the retrieval of contraband military technology from the wrong hands. Our strategy is both diplomacy and preventive engagements on the backbone of scientific data and analysis. For the past four years we’ve been leading the efforts to combat the elusive and growing multinational terrorist conglomerate known as HYDRA.”
The presentation was a good one. Excellent. But for whatever reason, despite hearing about this meeting first from Peggy, it wasn’t until they actually offered them positions in the organization that it really registered that he was being tapped. He and Bucky. It’s not as if he was a total moron, but between figuring out why the term HYDRA sounded familiar and trying to keep his attention off of Peggy, he was a little distracted.
It dawned on him that he remembered the term from that night with Peggy. Still… something was nagging him about it. As if there was more he could possible remember.
He’d been so distracted thinking, it wasn’t until he noticed Bucky shift in his chair, looking from him to the three across the table, that Steve realized that the room seemed to be waiting on his response.
Steve took a careful look at Bucky. Unbelievably, Bucky seemed excited, even eager. The realization was jarring. The job and its many benefits sounded great—an appealing pitch—but Steve had no hesitations about declining. Not until that moment. Not only Bucky looked carefully at him and broke the silence.
“You know, this is a lot of information. I think we could use a few days to mull it over,” Bucky had said, giving Steve a short nod he did not understand.
“Of course,” Phillips said easily, although Steve noted a frustrated look on Stark’s face. “Mull it over. I’ll have my office set us up with a follow-up later in the week.”
He didn’t need to mull it over. He’d been so sure. But the fact that he had been so sure was only making him reconsider. Bucky had been up for it. Bucky of all people. Had he missed something?
Steve noticed Stark trying to catch Peggy’s eye across the table, but she was placidly shutting off the screen and tucking her tablet and paperwork back into the portfolio.
They all shook hands again. Peggy had given him a probing look along with hers. Had Peggy been counting on him saying yes? Suddenly everything felt so uncertain.
There wasn’t even a chance to talk about it with Bucky who had his therapist to get to after the meeting. Steve made his way uptown alone, walking part of the way, needing to clear his head. He had suddenly found himself directionless.
Once at home, he found himself lying in bed for a lack of anything better to do. He tossed and turned, not the least bit tired to actually take a nap. He tried to think, trying to consider the offer objectively. A job at a secret intelligence organization. At a fast-paced environment suited to his skillset and ripe with opportunity.
But his gut instinct had been to turn it down.
Would he have said yes six months ago? He was sure he would have. So what changed? Had he fundamentally changed without even realizing it?
He was in an odd mood that he desperately needed to shake. Steve grabbed his paints and began swishing strokes onto the bright skyline in Ana Jarvis’ anniversary present. He’d passed a few hours painting when he heard knocking. Grabbing a rag to clear off his hands, he headed to the door.
Steve opened it to find Gabi looking up at him, her mother right behind smiling encouragingly.
“Well hello,” Steve said, easily smiling at the girl.
“Hi,” she chirped, looking back toward her mother who nodded. Gabi lifted up a plate to him. “Abuela, mommy and me made tamales to say thank you,” she said shyly.
“We just wanted to show you our appreciation for your thoughtful gift. Right Gabi?” Gina said.
“Uh huh!”
Steve’s smile widened and he squatted down. “Thank you so much Gabi.”
The girl rocked back and forth on her heels and smiled back. “Do you like tamales? There are spicy ones and regular ones. Mom likes spicy, spicy, spicy. But I like the regular ones.”
“Oh I love tamales. And homemade ones? This is awesome. So do your books like their new home?”
“Yes!” Gabi giggled. “They love, love love pink! Just like me.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“Thank you so so much!” Gabi said giving him a hug.
“You’re very welcome.”
His strange mood had already been lifted, but when he set the plate down in the kitchen, noticing a paper stuck to it, his mouth split into an even wider smile. It was a hand-drawn thank-you card full of glitter, with a cartoon Gabi with a big crayon smile reading in front of a giant pink bookcase. She signed it, “From your friend, Gabi.”
He set it carefully on display at his desk.
Surprisingly, he and Peggy didn’t talk about the meeting that night. He wasn’t sure what to say yet, and even if he did, it wasn’t something he wanted to discuss over the phone. They didn’t even mention that he’d seen her at work at all, even though he was still imagining her marching through crowds of people with perfect ease, delivering speeches and prepping teams for missions. It put the conversation she had on the phone the day he met her in a new light. The pieces all fit. He’d seen her be impressive, but it was still a thrill to know her full-range of talents was being put to use.
Still… It didn’t change the conflicting feelings he had.
His second appointment became the venting ground for these new conflictions. Although they discussed his hesitations about taking a new job, exploring the whats and whys of feeling uncertain about his initial certainty, Steve hadn’t made another firm decision. He needed more time to work it out. It wasn’t the only thing that ended up needing more work. He’d also had new nightmares, two distinct ones in the last night alone, something his therapist wanted to explore more since it was brought up at their initial meeting.
“So my therapist gave me homework,” he told Peggy later that day when they met for a quick dinner.
“Really. What sort of homework?”
“I’m supposed to draw my dreams, especially the nightmares. My therapist suggested it since I told her I was joining that art therapy group on a regular basis. She thinks it will help me track my sleep and try to put faces on the things that are gnawing at my brain.”
“So like a visual dream journal. Seems like it could be useful. A method tailored to you,” she replied.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
His therapist did point out she’d asked several patients to keep dream journals. Still he hadn’t anticipated an assignment. He’s supposed to sketch every dream. If he for whatever reason, couldn’t, or simply didn’t remember enough, he’s still meant to take note of it.
“Do you have a separate sketchbook for that?”
“No. I haven’t gotten that far.”
“Well why don’t we go pick one up?”
“We don’t have to do it now. I might have a spare somewhere at home.”
She shrugged. “It seems important. We’ll get you a nice new one specifically for your assignment.”
The art store had always been a source of calm for him, the sights, the smell, all appealing in their familiarity. Browsing with Peggy had fun. After he had chosen a new mid-sized sketchbook as his therapy dream journal, he helped Peggy pick up a few fancy pens for herself, from professional blacks and blues, to more fun colorful gel pens.
Back at her place, he fiddled with his new journal, turning to the first page and dating the corner, while Peggy sat at the other end of the couch, deep in concentration on her laptop. He was trying to figure out how to word the thoughts at the tip of his tongue.
“Hey Peggy?” She looked up from her work, but he didn’t know quite how to continue. She waited, still looking at him. “Are we going to talk about the job?”
She set her laptop away and shifted closer.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shrugged. “We hardly mentioned the meeting.”
Peggy bit her lip and nodded. “I didn’t want to influence your thoughts. It’s your decision to make.” He tried to nod, knee bouncing. After a while he felt her hand on his shoulder. “Is the decision bothering you?”
“I just… I know you told me about it first. And I understood Phillips’ call. But still, somehow, the thought hadn’t occurred to me that this could be a next step.” He sighed. “I think maybe even a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have felt so weird about it. But now…”
She squeezed his arm. “Steve. I never wanted this to be an added stress.”
“Maybe I’m just overthinking it.”
“Then don’t. Don’t overthink it.” He met her gaze. “Steve, I think you knew what your answer would be in that meeting. If you did, and it still feels true then that’s what it is. You do not have to consider anyone else’s feelings. Certainly not mine. You are allowed to make the choice first and foremost for yourself.”
Steve nodded, feeling a more and more sure sense bubbling up inside of him.
“Stark told you he was worried about your personal life getting in the way of professional decisions. If I was some random recruit off the street that came to you with conflicting feelings, would you say the same thing?”
“Yes,” she said immediately. “Granted, you have a leg up as you’ve done work in a very similar capacity as opposed to a newcomer. But, this is a two-way street. It has to fit both parties. If a recruit was vacillating, my assumption would be to believe there is a just cause for that. This is not a career choice to make with only one foot in the door. It’s more than a full-time job. It becomes a lifestyle. You know this already.”
There it was. One of the things on the tip of his tongue. It’s more than a job. It’s a new lifestyle. A new lifestyle while he had just been getting used to his current one. He knew what it meant to have a classified job. He’d done it before. But he was younger. Less fractured. Different. It’s a life of hiding again and he’d just found himself comfortable opening up.
For the first time in years, he’d been able to pursue the less concrete things: passions, lifelong wishes, reacquainting with the deep desires of his soul. His military career had trumped that for a long time. He’d been denying himself them for years. And now, he wasn’t ready to leave behind the stirrings of Steve Rogers the civilian.
Without saying anything, he took her hand, lacing their fingers. She smiled.
Steve was sitting on the couch in front of the TV trying to draw the last dream he remembered in his therapy journal when Bucky came in, throwing down his bag, looking sweaty.
“Hey,” he called to Steve.
“Hey. Gym?”
“Yeah,” Bucky said after gulping down a bottle of water. “Stark’s going to give me a temporary replacement prosthetic in a couple days. He’s testing some new durable but light-weight material in 3D printing. I’m supposed to work my upper body some to keep the muscles and tissues stimulated in the meantime.”
“That’s great Buck.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool stuff,” Bucky said in an upbeat voice Steve hadn’t heard in a long time.
He was still sketching when Bucky came out of the shower.
“So,” Bucky started, “meeting’s tomorrow.” Steve put his pencil in the sketchbook and closed it, nodded mutely at Bucky. “It’ll be pretty cool to work for them, don’t you think?”
Steve sighed. They never did wind up discussing the matter. Bucky frowned, brows wrinkled in confusion.
“You still need time to think about it?”
“I’m not taking the job Buck.”
His mouth gaped open. “You’re serious.” He flopped down on the couch next to him. “Is there something I should know? Because if there’s a reason we shouldn’t join them—”
“You know we don’t have to do everything together Buck.” He didn’t like the way Bucky’s jaw clenched. “Maybe that’s been one of our issues. We tried to use each other as a crutch when neither of us could stand on our own two feet. We’re always going to be Steve and Buck. Doesn’t mean we can’t do different things. To want different things.”
Buck nodded, playing with a loose thread in his shirt.
“I know I talked a lot of shit when I was pissed, Steve. And shit, most of it’s true. But I didn’t expect my shit-talking to make you turn this opportunity down.”
“It’s nothing to do with that Buck.”
“Really? Because a couple of months ago you would have jumped at this.”
“Yeah. But I don’t feel the way I did back then. And that’s a good thing.” He heard Buck snort, clearly unconvinced. “I’m not ready for something like this Buck. I’m not sure it’s something I even want anymore.”
“But you’d rather work for Miller?”
“Not forever. But I feel more like myself than I did before. New York’s just started to feel like home again. And I’m not ready for a classified life again. I can’t explain it. I know it’s an amazing opportunity. But I was gut sure at the meeting Buck.”
“Of turning them down.”
“Yeah.”
Bucky shook his head and stood up, headed for the kitchen.
“This calls for beer. And before you say anything, I haven’t had any alcohol tonight, or in the last three days. Just a cold beer sitting on the couch with my punk ass friend. I’d say the situation calls for one.”
“Alright,” Steve relented.
Bucky brought back two cold bottles, sliding one into Steve’s hand before flopping back onto the couch.
“Cheers.” Bucky took a long swig. “This is weird.” He sank back on the couch. “Tell me this wasn’t supposed to go the opposite way.”
“Honestly, I didn’t expect you to want the job,” Steve admitted.
Bucky laughed. “Yeah well… I know what you mean. But the stuff they’re capable of. The things you’d get to work on. It’s not mindless. And they want me for more than my ability to fire a gun.”
Steve leaned over to clink their bottles together again. “It’s a great job. They’ll be lucky to have you.”
“This isn’t about your girlfriend, is it?”
Steve gave him a half smile. “No. Working with Peggy would have been great. Fun even.”
“Does she know you’re rejecting her offer?”
“We didn’t talk about it too much. She didn’t want to influence my decision. But she’s smart. And she knows me so…”
Bucky snorted. “Hell of a woman,” he said. “It’s funny. You know when you first told me about her, the first time you showed me a picture, I was jealous as hell. Hard not to be. Obviously she’s gorgeous, and you were having a better time than I was. Guess that was weird for me. But then to actually meet her. To find out what she’s in charge of… Well shit Steve.” He took a sip of beer. “You know if you weren’t my best friend, and she obviously didn’t only have eyes for you, I’d be seriously pissed.”
“Gee, thanks,” Steve replied flatly.
“Aw, come on punk, you know what I mean. And I just said she only has eyes for you.” Steve frowned and shrugged. “Steve. Come on. I’d never do anything, especially since I can see you’re already crazy in love with her.”
Steve felt his eyes widen, and his heart sink a little.
“That obvious, huh?”
Bucky laughed. “Since when is that a bad thing?”
He shrugged. “Since we’ve only been together two months.”
“Yeah. But you can’t help how you feel. You just do. It’s how you act on it that matters more.” Steve nodded. “So maybe just don’t freak her out by getting down on one knee on your next monthiversary or whatever.”
Steve choked on his beer, spluttering and coughing hard. “I—I’m not—”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say punk.” He slapped Steve across the shoulder. “I’m really happy for you Steve.”
Steve shook his head, and wiped his wet chin.
It wasn’t hard to turn down SHIELD’s offer at the second meeting. Phillips’ expression was tight but there seemed to be a flicker of understanding in his eyes. Peggy never batted an eyelash. Steve sat back waiting for the end of the welcomes and congratulatory handshakes aimed at Bucky.
“You take care of yourself Captain,” Phillips had said with a final handshake before he left the room for a more pressing matter.
“Peg, talk to him,” Stark complained loudly. “Tell—”
Peggy held up her palm and Stark fell silent.
“Mr. Stark will take you to HR now Sergeant Barnes. Howard, make sure they get him started on the paperwork and a new photo for his ID card.” She gestured when Howard didn’t immediately move. “I look forward to showing you around on Monday,” she directed at Bucky, ignoring Howard’s disgruntled expression.
Bucky waved and a moment later he was alone with Peggy. He stuck his hands into his pockets waiting for her to face him.
“So…”
“So,” she repeated with a smile. “Well Captain Rogers. I should probably remind you about the nondisclosure agreement you signed upon taking the meeting.”
“Probably,” he repeated with an amused grin, making her laugh softly. “Well, Agent,” he stressed in a low voice, “I appreciate your consideration. It was nice to learn more about you and your work.”
She rolled her eyes, still smiling.
“I’ll show you to the elevator Captain,” she said, leading them out of the conference room and into the hall. “How about dinner? My place, tonight?”
He leaned into her just a touch.
“I can’t wait.”
He felt light all day, all through painting new office buildings for Miller in Long Island City, and all through volunteering to clean the mess the crew left on the ground floor. He’d still made it home with plenty of time to change for dinner.
He was surprised to find Peggy already home when he came in, and she had even set the dining room table with a smorgasbord of takeout.
“Wow. What’s the occasion?”
“Me starving,” she said with a pleasant laugh that made his chest warm. “We haven’t had a lot of time to just be together lately. I thought a hearty dinner would be a good start.”
He put down his set of keys and made his way to her in three long strides, reaching for her waist and picking her off the floor. Before she could comment he kissed her.
He breathed her in, the sound of her inhaling, the way her fingers curled into his hair, the soft warmth radiating between them.
“And what was that for?” she asked breathily, her hands resting on his shoulders.
“Just missed you.”
Peggy grinned so brightly the warm feeling in his chest spread.
After a long dinner where they talked about nothing and laughed about everything, they settled side by side on her couch.
“So you’re okay with me not taking the job then?”
“It was your decision Steve. And as long as you’re sure, that’s good enough for me.”
“I realized that I wasn’t ready for that kind of change,” he told her. “I think in some ways, it’s like I’ve been more in denial about my PTSD than Bucky was. I still need to do some work. Some soul-searching. There are other things I think I want to prioritize.”
“That’s good Steve. I wouldn’t ever deny you that choice.”
“It doesn’t make you see me differently then?”
“No, taking charge of your life in your own way, and realizing the things you want might have changed doesn’t change the way I see you. In fact, it makes me think you’re feeling more in tune with yourself as a person again.”
“Yeah. I am. I think I really am,” he replied. “Thank you. For being supportive.”
“Always,” she said seriously. “Although I can understand not wanting to have to contend with me as your boss,” she teased.
He grinned at her. That would have decidedly been a workplace perk.
“I have no problems with you taking charge.”
“Really?” He felt her hand slide up his side, and he shivered.
“In fact, I think it’s one of the most attractive things about you.”
She hummed, her fingernails digging into his skin. “Go on.”
“Was the first thing that caught my attention,” he murmured, as she leaned in closer. “You on that elevator, dressing down a Senator with such conviction.” He faltered as her lips closed around his ear. “I was sure I had never been attracted to a stranger in my life. So focused on righting wrongs you never looked at me once.”
Her mouth left his skin and he was immediately disappointed, trying to reel her back in.
“That makes me feel awful.”
“What? No it’s a good story.”
She shook her head, rubbing his cheek. “But it sounds like I was so self-absorbed I couldn’t be bothered to notice you.”
He shrugged. “It’s not like you brushed me off. Trust me, I know the difference. You had important matters to work out.”
She leaned in and kissed him. “I suppose that’s true.” He melted into her, hands coming up to rest at her hips. “I remember hearing your laugh. I didn’t suppose it was in regards to something I said.”
He grinned at this beautiful, powerful force of nature sitting at his side, not seeming to understand just how clever and mesmerizing she was. How it had all called to him.
“You were sticking to your word. In full control, refusing to let anyone put you down,” he said. “And you know what else? You have a way with words Peggy Carter. Know what stuck with me long after that elevator ride? You said you knew your value. You don’t know how important it was to hear someone say that.”
“I… Steve.”
“The bossiness on top of that, well it was just a plus.” He stared into her eyes. “Besides, I was right. My girl’s been saving the world.”
She quirked her brow at him then swung herself onto his lap, knees pressing into his hips, lips seeking out his, deepening with each kiss. “If you like, I can provide you with some further bossiness on top.”
He inhaled sharply as she grinned down at him. Her palms ran down the sides of his neck, and onto his chest, hot breath against his cheek. He closed the gap and kissed her, hands at the small of her back urging her closer.
“Bedroom. Now,” she commanded.
“Yes ma’am.”