Letters

To Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes
107th Infantry Regiment
New York Army National Guard
England, United Kingdom

Brooklyn, NY

My dearest James,

I am so very sorry about my last letter. I was just exceptionally upset and lonely and scared. A special news transmission from the warfront was aired yesterday on all channels. The whole factory shut down for the broadcast and we were all called to watch it. They didn’t really give numbers, but there seemed to have been a lot of casualties. We got some more bad news just this morning. Harold, Bonny’s brother, was killed in action. The telegraph came right after breakfast. Bonny is inconsolable, I am sure you can imagine.

It made me amend and re-evaluate a lot of things I had been taken for granted. So many things have changed and even the people are not the same anymore. The toll of the war is not only limited to ration cuts or hard workloads, but can now be seen in the faces of the people. Many - and I count myself among them - are losing hope. 

Yet, I do remember that one passage from the church session last month, I actually wrote the pastor’s words down. He said that hope was the strongest emotion in the universe, as everything we do or plan for has a foundation in the hope that these things will happen. Without hope, we come to a standstill. We start by hoping that we are going to live a long, healthy and happy life, and then we start planning in the hope that this will come true. If we have hope and then lose it, change follows quickly; the end of an era, as all commitment that leads to further action to reach this hopeless goal ceases. We stall, we stop, we’re stuck – causing misery and stress. Fear is a common emotion when we get stuck; fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection. But all is not lost, hope is designed to give us more time. 

And I can honestly tell you that I wouldn’t be able to bear receiving that type of news as Bonny had received. I probably wouldn’t believe it when I hear it and cling to whatever dreamy idea of hope there is left. But thankfully I was able to catch a glimpse of you on TV, even if it was just for a short moment. They aired some more footage of you and what the news call the Howling Commandos and I came to realize that my deepest fear had actually come true - your unit had been captured but fortunately rescued by Captain America. That was what I had seen on the news the other day, when I wrote that gruesome letter that you hopefully have already forgotten about. 

You looked quite tired in the footage, though. Sad as well, but maybe that was just my imagination. But I am glad you are doing well. I truly hope that you decided to read this letter even after that last one, where I probably have offended you beyond repair.

The other day I nearly cried because the chocolate box you had given me after that last night we spent together had gone bad. Remember that you told me to keep it for later? We would meet again, we would be with each other again once you’d come back and eat the pralines together. For later, you had said, remember? But it's been too long since later never came and it had gone all green and furry, so I had to throw it out. I am sorry. It felt horrible to watch another memory of the good times we spent together disappear into the trash. I am not sure if you told me to keep it for later just to take my mind off the fact you had to go to war or if it was some sort of a farewell present.

Yet, I cannot bring myself to forget about you. I still have that picture from the ‘Times! I told you about it. Remember? It was taken that night when you took me out to the Stark Expo. This picture is all I have from you…and the memory of the kisses we shared that night.

It is all faded. The newspaper material is so sensitive. I can barely make out your face anymore. Nor mine or anyone else’s, by the way but I know that you are in that picture with me. It hurts me to look at it yet at the same time it somehow brings me comfort, and even though you might laugh at how childish you might consider it, I carry it around with me every day. That’s probably why it’s so faded.

Now, I’ll better let you go. I’ll hop over to Bonny and see what I can do to make her feel a little better, even though there is nothing in the world I could possibly do for her.

Please, James, I beg of you, please stay safe and take care of yourself.

Love, Conny