Letters

10.

To Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes
107th Infantry Regiment
New York Army National Guard
England, United Kingdom

Brooklyn, NY

My dear James,

I am sorry. I am sorry that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hold on to this dream of us any longer as it is killing me. I have not received any reply to my many letters and this had led me to believe that you simply did not feel like writing to me. And believe it or not, it is actually fine with me. I understand. I knew from the very beginning that I was probably never much more than a fling to you, am amusement for a couple of hours or days - and that is also fine with me. Please believe me when I say that I truly am fine with it. 

Even though it hurts me so much to tell you, I have come to realize that I will have to let it all go, eventually, in order to feel better myself. Yet still, I can’t bring myself to throw the picture of us away, I will keep it, just in case. Call me stupid, but I want you to know that just in case you don't find what you're looking for or you're missing what you had before, in case you change your mind, I'll be waiting here in case you just want to come home. I know it sounds cheesy and silly, but you know me, that’s just the silly girl I am. Wishful thinking much?

I will tell you just one more thing though, you made me strong enough to leave you when before I was weak enough to need you. Yet, I care enough to let you walk away to allow myself to put distance between you and I and what we had. You might be looking in that mirror one day and miss my arms and how they wrapped around your waist. I will still have my memories and a certain hope that you can love me again, even if it isn't the case. 

My mother always says that if you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello, as every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. So maybe we will meet again, God only knows. 

The war has changed me, as it probably has changed everybody else, and you most of it. I could see it on your face in the latest news footage, and I believe that it is one of the reasons I am letting you go. You have other things on your mind, and I don’t blame you, the world is changing and we are changing with it. So, even though I am saying goodbye to you, it still makes you think. It makes you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost, and what you’ve taken for granted. It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with a goodbye and as you might have read from these few lines, I need to move on, as do you.

So this is my goodbye to you, James, but rest assured that you will not be forgotten. It will be my last letter, though. I did not mind writing them,

I truly hope that the war will be over soon and you will come home. Just home. 

Love, Conny