I Want to Heal
The mood isn’t right. Teddy can sense that, but he doesn’t care. That’s what terrifies him the most about Billy, that’s what he thinks always will: with him, Teddy just can’t find it in himself to care about the aftermath. It could be the most wrong thing in the world, and Billy will make it so right.
But it’s not right, because they’re behind some grungy alley in Brooklyn and when they crash into the wall, Teddy slams Billy’s head against the brick. He hears the crunch before the howl. Teddy’s hand comes back covered in blood.
He’s a stuttering mess and he can’t believe he actually asks Billy if he’s okay. Even less believable, Billy keeps promising he is. He cradles his red-matted curls in his dark hands and his deep brown eyes ice over.“IWantToHealIWantToHealIWantToHealIWantToHeal.” Billy chants. Then a glowing blue veil replaces the red stains in his hair and in between his fingers. Teddy takes a step back, partly to give him whatever space he might need, partly because there’s a silent horror dawning on him. Billy’s powers are breathtaking, but they’re new to them both. Teddy may be able to deny the unearthliness inherent in what Billy is capableof, but his instincts can’t.
When Billy looks up and finds Teddy detached, his eyes are a warm brown once more and they’re the size of planets. “Did I creep you out?” he blurts, frantic.
“No, you’re fine!” Teddy lies.
“I can – I can undo that,” says Billy. He squeezes his eyes shut.“IWantACrackedSkullIWantACrack – ”
Teddy’s palms fly over Billy’s mouth before he can do something stupid and messy. “What are you doing?” he demands, feeling his brows furrow. He doesn’t think schooling his expression to be more placid would suit this particular situation. “Don’t do that,” he commands. He prides himself on keeping his cool, but it’s been three weeks dating Billy and he finds an increasing list of contexts in which calm tempers only passively encourage the human disaster that is Billy Kaplan.
Once Teddy is confident Billy isn’t going to purposefully split his head open, Teddy lets his hands fall to his sides. Billy’s eyes tentatively open. He grabs hold of Teddy’s wrist. “You know, I can’t cast most of my spells unless I can hear myself talk. I can cast some spells, but not like, reality-reconstruction. I can’t, uh, retcon. I think it’s a concentration thing.”
Billy’s frowning, getting lost in his thoughts probably. His fingers are long and slender around Teddy’s skin. There’s a strength to the grasp that Teddy, against all prior life lessons, wants to call possessive. “Yeah, I think Nate’s been playing with that idea, too,” Teddy agrees. Billy still has his wrist trapped between them. Teddy doesn’t pull away. “Why are you bringing this up?” Teddy asks and hopes it comes off as curious – which it is – and not pushy.
Billy’s eyes flutter this way and that. He avoids landing on Teddy’s gaze. “I just want you to know that I have weaknesses. I’m not invincible.” He finally locks his eyes on Teddy. He has a small smile on his face. “And I’m definitely a liability in melee combat. Kissing ranging is basically killing range.”
It’s meant to be a joke, Teddy knows that. It still strikes an off chord. “You don’t have to give me tips on how to defeat you in combat,” says Teddy. It’s ridiculous how his tone is completely serious, how this is a sincere conversation.
It’s ridiculous how he can’t picture any other relationship being as satisfying as this wonderfully bizarre thing he has going on with Billy.
“Well, you never know,” Billy reminds. “I could get too excited and, I don’t know, summon lightning to electrocute you from the sky.”
Teddy’s not sure how to respond to that, so he waits for Billy to hastily add, “Not that you’re at any actual risk of spontaneous electrocution. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Billy nods his head firmly, puffing out his thin chest. “I’m a hero, after all.”
Teddy laughs, even though he truly believes every word Billy just told him.
He moves in and cradles the back of Billy’s head, all fixed-up and solid; careful to cushion Billy with his hand when he pushes him against the brick this time. Careful, always, to protect him.