Gamer

Sometimes following your heart means losing your mind

I woke up in a soft bed, the rays of the sun entered the room through the balcony window. I felt a familiar weight on my legs. I raised on my elbows and looked down. I saw a sleeping dog, a German shepherd I adopted from a shelter a long time ago... It felt like it happened centuries ago, in another life... I looked around uncertainly. A small bedroom in a blue color, the walls were covered with a tree painting. Steve made this. An alarm clock, phone and a watch were lying side by side on the nightstand. This is my apartment. I got up slowly, carefully not to wake the sleeping animal, and walked to the balcony window. The sun shone high in the sky, the city looked exactly as before the disaster. Crowded streets, cars standing in traffic jams, people rushing to work. I felt something wet trickle down my cheeks. Tears. I stood there... watching. I almost fell to my knees. Was this disaster just a bad dream? I lifted my head towards the ceiling, I wanted to scream. Is this a cruel joke? I swallowed my tears, turned around and went down the hall to the left, there was a kitchen. I put the kettle on and leaned against the cupboard countertop. I had an emptiness in my head, couldn't remember anything. All my memories vanished in a second. How did I get here? Wasn't I somewhere else? For I moment I thought I should be now on my morning exercises. You know, in military base... And then, I suddenly felt soft, feminine hands embrace me from behind, a shorter body clings to my back. What? It was alarming, I was living alone after all. Thief?! I turned around like scalded. Steve's fiancee was standing before me. Peggy... Why is she here? She smiled, put her hand on my cheek and closed the distance between us. When her face was just millimeters from mine, I wanted to push her away but I couldn't. Her lips were soft, the kiss was pure and innocent. I knew I shouldn't have done that, Steve would kill me for this... But... the truth was, that at some point I started to live in his shadow. I watched as he achieves success, how easily get along with others, as he meets someone important to him... as he is... happy. At the beginning enjoying his happiness was enough for me, but later... it got tough. I did get jealous, I wanted to be in his place... Peggy stroked my cheek like she just read my thoughts. It's alright. When she moved away, she no longer resembled herself. Before me stood a completely different person. Tony Stark. He grinned, and everything went dark.

This time I woke up on a hard mattress, under a pile of blankets which couldn't protect me from the cold, fire in the fireplace was dying out. I had terrible headache, like my head was splitting in half. I could barely open my eyes. It was just a dream. Another nightmare. The world is still dead... and nothing can change that.

Stark was cuddled up against my left side. He put his head on my shoulder, I could feel the weight of his leg on my stomach and somewhere on the chest lay his hand clenched in a fist. I covered him with a blanket that had fallen from his shoulders and hugged him tightly, so he would stay warm. He purred in response, and I just smiled. I touched his forehead with back of my right hand, it was still hot and sweaty. He still had a fever, but it was better than day before. And with each day it'll only get better. Although it was early in the morning, I haven't noticed Wanda and Pietro. Perhaps they left... I also should get up, take some headache powders, check the area, change Stark's bandages and make him a poultice. However, he was glued to me like a bur and I didn't want to wake him up. The more sleep he gets now, the faster he will recover. For a moment I completely forgot about my hatred for this man. I allowed myself to forget he destroyed our world. Lost in deep, feverish sleep he looked so innocent. I don't know when I fell asleep again.

More or less, that's how my life looked from now on, at least for a full two weeks. I slept, woke up, ate something and went to bed again. Stark was still unconscious, Wanda with Pietro were leaving in the morning and coming back late. Sometimes when I wasn't asleep I was sitting with my back against the wall and stared straight ahead. I wondered what Steve was doing now and if everything is fine with him. He was probably worried about me, maybe he was even looking for me... I just had hope Headhunters haven't came up with the idea to chase after me. They had no reason. Yet. They didn't know that I'm with Stark. If they knew, Steve would be in danger. Maybe he was already dead... No. What I actually wanted to achieve? More and more doubts slipped into my mind. I should have killed Stark, back then in the garage. Now, however, it was too late.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," I heard a familiar voice, but I just turned to the other side. I wasn't planning to get up. Wanda, however, didn't give up and took away my blankets. Then Pietro grabbed the sleeve of my hoodie and began to pull. Willingly or not, I had to get up. She looked at me, rolling her eyes. "We're running out of medicine supplies and wood, need to get more. Will you help? Actually, you have no choice, my friend."

"We'll leave him here alone?" I raised my eyebrows surprised, glancing at Stark.

"Of course not, you fool. Pietro will stay with him."

I didn't think that it was a good idea, but I said nothing. Maybe already then I didn't care what will happen with him, with me and everything around. I shrugged, put on a denim jacket and followed Wanda. We passed a couple of half-demolished blocks, then turned somewhere and again we passed the ruins. To be completely honest, I remember little of this. I was walking behind her not caring about anything. When we were on the site of a former pharmacy, Wanda gave me one of the two bags which she took from home. We started to browse the cabinets and lockers in search of medical products. To my surprise we found quite a lot of them here. We took a set of bandages, syringes, painkillers and other crap. We packed all this into a bag Wanda was holding.

"Are you always such a clam?" she asked as we walked again hell knows where. I didn't answer and when she turned to me, I just shrugged. She gave me a resigned look and shook her head. "Who were you before all this, my friend?"

"Soldier," I said uncertainly. Was I really? Maybe it was just a stupid dream.

"Soldier..." she repeated with curiosity in her voice. "And more specifically? Officer, pilot? Have you been on some missions? Tell me something about yourself."

"Master Sergeant of ground forces," I replied, this time without hesitation. "I've been on several missions, precisely four, the fifth was interrupted by... end of the world. Nothing interesting, unless you like to hear about the dead."

"The dead, huh?" again, she turned to me and gave me a warm smile. "There are plenty of them here in these ruins. I'm not afraid of the dead, and neither should you. They cannot harm anyone anymore. It's the living you have to fear."

It's the living you have to fear - so she said. And shit, she was right. When we have come to a strange place, which could once be a furniture store, we began to break the door of the cabinets and push the remnants into the bag. I mean – mainly I broke the wood, bionic hand seemed to have no limits. We also took some old newspapers and several books. Everything that could be suitable for a firewood. I sat on one of the couches, breaking the wood into pieces. I noticed a smashed motorcycle outside the building, on the other side of the street. I felt a painful twinge in my chest.

"I joined the army together with my friend," I said after a while, don't know why. The sound of broken wood suddenly stopped. She listened.

"The one on batteries?" she asked, coming closer.

"No," I hesitated for a second. "Another. It was about six-seven years ago. He was then a frail and often sick. Same shit happened in military, he was weak after all. But they let him join and that was most important, it was his dream. He served as a helper, they didn't let him do anything else... I always stood in his defense when others bullied him. The missions in which we have participated... well, we often just sat on our asses. Steve couldn't go anywhere in his state, but he was pretty good when it came to planning and strategy. I tried to help him as much as I could. I'm happy I didn't ruin it. I almost didn't get into army... almost..."

"How come? For what reason?" she sat down and looked at me curiously.

"A few months before joining the ranks I've caused an accident. Fatal. I killed two people," I became dumb for a moment, biting the inside of my cheek. "I was young, just got my motorcycle driving license and bought my first machine for money I earned during the summer break. I got drunk, I got on a motorcycle and rode... I don't think I turned on the lights, don't remember. Something happened. I went around a corner at high speed, too late noticed a car. The driver wanted to get past me... rode into a tree. Nothing happened to me, just a few bruises, but they... It was a woman and man... Perhaps they could survive this, I don't know. I ran away."

"You didn't try to help them?"

"No. I was shocked, I was scared... I don't know. If somebody found out that I caused a fatal accident, and that I was drunk I would have to say goodbye to the uniformed career. I did it partly for myself and Steve. He wanted this so badly... and I wanted him to be happy. You know... we both grew up in an orphanage. Kids there live on dreams."

"Where is he now? Did he...?" she put her hand on my shoulder, didn't finish her question. Is he dead? No. At least, not yet.

"No. He's home, but I can't go back there. I'd put him in danger. Besides... now he can perfectly care about himself all alone. He changed a lot since those days..."

"Someone's chasing you, right?"

"You could say."

"Both of you," she corrected after a while. "Are you and he...? You know... together?"

"Huh?" I looked at her, not understanding. After a moment I realized what she wanted to ask, I frowned. "I'm not gay."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to... Just you look so sweet together when you sleep. I thought that there is something between you two. If you don't..."

"I'm not gay," I repeated, maybe too sharply. I pushed the last pieces of the wood into the bag, zipped it and left the building. After this conversation I kept myself away from Stark. I slept on the other side of the fireplace. Alone.

We no longer came back to the topics from that day. I again fell silent, spoke only when I really had to. Can't say I was comfortable with it. I felt bad. I tried with all my strength not to think about Steve. When I needed to talk, I waited until Wanda and Pietro came out of the house and disappeared from sight. Then I told endless stories to still unconscious Stark. Although two weeks had passed, he didn't wake up. Day after day I changed his dressings and cleaned the wounds. I tried to avoid this mechanism on chest though. Sometimes I couldn't sleep. Quite often I was haunted by the nightmares. Once I fell asleep from exhaustion next to Stark. Wanda and Pietro found me the same evening when they returned home. I thought she will make some stupid comments, but she said nothing. I even grew to like her and treated her like a younger sister. The idyll lasted until the end of October. Then... something happened.

I haven't slept since four in the morning, something bothered me. Some very unpleasant feeling filled my heart. Wanda, Pietro, and of course Stark - slept like logs at the fireplace. Because of that I kept throwing wood into the fire to keep them warm. There was a disturbing silence all around, broken only by the sounds of burning wood. There was no wind, it looked like it was going to rain, but it didn't. I couldn't sit still, I started pacing in circles. I thought I was starting to freak out so I took my jacket and went outside to breathe fresh air. I was walking slowly around the area but I couldn't calm down. My heart started pounding like crazy. And then I saw something. Flashlights in the distance, I heard also a tons of curses. I stopped in a place, even though my mind kept telling me to run. I felt approaching troubles. Someone shouted to me, someone turned the light in my direction, someone fired from a gun. Headhunters. I jumped up and rushed as fast as I could to Wanda's home. I tugged her arm so hard it was surprising I didn't break it. She woke up immediately and looked at me with big, frightened eyes. Pietro also stared at me.

"We have to run, Headhunters are coming here. They saw me," I noticed a glimpse fear in her eyes, but after a moment it was replaced with determination. She didn't say a word, just shoved a bag with medicines and dry eatables into my hands, then she took the blankets. I hastily picked up Stark and we left the house.

I don't know how long we ran head, I followed Wanda and Pietro. Behind us we heard screams. They were literally on our tail. When the noise grew even louder, Wanda grabbed my arm and pulled me into a nearby building.

"We need to... to... to separate..." she snapped, barely catching her breath. "Otherwise... they'll catch us... Listen... we'll run out first...me and Pietro... You hide here and wait until they'll be gone... then you go the other way..."

"They'll catch you," I muttered, not very happy with this plan.

"They can try. We'll be fine. They'll catch us if we don't split," she said in a serious voice. It looked like she knew what she was saying so I decided to trust her. I just nodded, saying nothing. She smiled, giving me two blankets. "We'll probably won't see each other anymore, Bucky. Though... who knows. Take care of your friend and don't get killed."

She looked at me for the last time, Pietro barked quietly and they rushed out. When I hid both me and Stark in the hollow of one of the walls I saw running headhunters. Among them I saw a man in the familiar mask. Crossbones. I think it was a miracle that none of them noticed two people trying to hide so close to them... I felt as all my strength leave me, as my legs start to shake and finally as the tears come to my eyes. People with whom I used to work, now hunted me. How ironic. Unsteadily I walked to the exit and looked around. I saw no one, I could barely hear their footsteps. I reached for a small bag and ran outside. The other way.

Truthfully, I have no idea where I was, and more, I didn't know where I was going. I only knew that I had to flee. I ran so long until the first rays of the sun blinded me. Then I stumbled. I didn't fall, but it was the sign I really needed to rest. I stopped, trying to catch my breath. My lungs ached and I couldn't feel my own legs. I was exhausted, I dragged myself into some old building. I broke down the doors to a small flat and stepped inside. I put Stark on the dusty couch. What will happen to Wanda and Pietro? What if they gets caught? What about Steve? Are they all dead? I sat down, feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks. I was so sick of all this... I wanted to sleep. For good, so I wouldn't had to wake up anymore in this mad world. I glanced at Stark, he was still unconscious. Beard covered his face, he could use a razor. I probably needed to shave too... Helplessness was soon replaced with rage. I leaned over him and hit his arm with my right fist. Wet drops fell from my cheeks onto his.

"It's all your fault, you fucking son of a bitch!" I shouted, my voice breaking. Once again, I hit him. Not hard, it was just a weak blow. I held my bionic hand away for a while, but then I slipped it under Stark's body. I couldn't hurt him after all this. I sacrificed everything I had for him. And what for? Why I did this? I didn't understand it myself. And now I couldn't stop crying. Rage mixed with weakness. At some point, my forehead touched his shoulder. I closed my eyes. Being completely exhausted, not knowing what to do, I allowed myself a moment of weakness. I lay down on the unconscious man, it wasn't very comfortable but I didn't care anymore. It was the first time Wanda used my name back there, when we were running. Before I fell asleep I faintly spoke only three words. "I hate you."

I felt as someone stroked my head and was playing with my hair. It was damn pleasant feeling, murmur of satisfaction escaped my throat. Hand that was stroking me, slid down to my cheek and caressed it. Thumb moved across my lips. Then I realized I lay on someone. Steve? Did I get home? Are we safe? That thought was disturbingly delightful. I snuggled up to second body even more. I wanted to open my eyes, but I was afraid that when I do, all the magic will disappear. I was afraid it was a dream, and as soon as I wake up I will have to fight for survival once more. Maybe I died? I felt like I had sand under my eyelids, they were swollen from crying. I opened them slowly, trying to get used to the blinding bright light. I frowned, feeling the pain in my body. It wasn't a dream, I haven't died either. Then what is this? I lifted my head slightly and looked straight ahead. A pair of chocolate eyes stared calmly at me.

"Stark," I whispered with a hoarse voice, feeling as fear overwhelms me.

Wake up and look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face
Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you
And haunts you*