Carina Deluca
Carina! Carina, how could you?
Maya’s words were ringing in my ears since the moment I left her room. She looked… so different, so hurt and in pain. It was killing me to see my wife be in such pain and not being able to do anything about it.
To be honest, I didn’t think of forcing her to stay in the hospital until Jack said what he said.
I thought she was dead.
She was just lying there on the floor. Not moving and her pulse was so faint.
I wasn’t even sure I was gonna make it here on time.
A picture formed in my brain from what he described. I wasn’t there but I might as well have been because it had the same effect.
Maya was so far gone. She couldn’t see what she had been doing to herself and to those who loved her.
It made me think of another time where her trauma affected her mental health, not in this extreme but it still did.
It was when she cheated on me and when I left.
Back then, we weren’t married.
Back then, she wasn’t the love of my life.
Back then, she wasn’t my Maya.
Back then, it was easier but this Maya? It wasn’t my Maya either.
It tried yelling, I tried the cold shoulder, I tried tough love, I tried soft love. Everything wasn’t working.
Jack said, she wasn’t moving. Her pulse was faint. He thought she was dead.
And if she had been? I don’t think I would have been able to live with myself.
Maybe what Maya needed was a wake-up call.
I wasn’t trying to manipulate her but I think my presence was what was holding her back from breaking down fully.
You can only get better, if you get your break down.
Rock bottom.
She wasn’t there yet.
It was dean all over again.
I can’t lose another person I love. Maya is my family and I thought she was dead.
So I did what I had to do.
No-oh
Carina! Carina!
How could you do this to me?
No, I can’t.
Carina! Carina! Carina!
Carina, how could you?
How could you? Get back here.
Everything in me was screaming to get back.
To get back and help her.
To hug her and to tell her to breathe.
That wouldn’t have helped anyone.
I meant what I said.
I would rather lose her, then have her dead. With me she was not getting better.
She reacted exactly as expected. Even though hearing her tell me over and over again that we were done, hurt me so deeply that I thought my own heart was gonna break.
I stayed on the wall next to her room, listening to her beg me to come back but I couldn’t. I also couldn’t leave her when I knew she was having a panic attack. I felt helpless. Maya needed me at this moment but the aftereffects of it would be too catastrophic.
My heart and my head needed to be a little more selfish for this to work.
I heard Teddy tell her softly that she is about to give her something so she can calm down.
So, I waited until her cries stilled and a soft whimper of my name and a “please” came out of her mouth.
Maya was probably sedated, but my courage wasn’t big enough to look in her room.
I heard faint footsteps as more tears ran down my face and I felt a hand on my shoulder.
- It was the right thing to do, Carina. - I opened my eyes and saw Teddy looking at me sympathetically.
- I know but it doesn’t make it hurt less. -
My wife laid on the bed just like I left her. One hand clinging to the side, face to the door. Just more relaxed, due to the medication.
I softly touched her face before bending down and kissing her forehead.
- Please understand. Hate me all you want but you need to be safe, my love. - I whispered.
-I can’t save you, please.- I added.
Now I was here. In a cheap hotel somewhere in Seattle. I could have gotten a better one, but they made me feel selfish. Maya was hurting and I wasn’t about to go on vacation. This will do it.
Even after my long shift, I couldn't sleep. Maya’s screams were echoing in my head. Her face was there every time I closed my eyes. Everything was just so loud and I was so uneasy.
And my heart? It was broken.