Chapter 4
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Steve ends up asking about the scar just like Clint always knew he would, a few months after he first saw it, when they are on Clint’s bed, not really doing much right now but just laying together, clothes not put back on yet. Clint knows he has wanted to ask for a while, could feel him looking at it every once, could feel his fingers drift close to it but move away as soon as Clint tensed, and he has asked about other scars. Clint has told the story of those scars, the ones he can remember, the bad and the not so bad. He has talked about the scars from his father, the ones that came from the circus, the ones that came from his time at SHIELD but he hasn’t said anything about that one. Tonight, Steve’s fingers rest on Clint’s skin near it , but not on it, and he murmurs a question now.
“You don’t want this one touched, why, what happened?”
The question is asked softly, just quiet enough that Clint could possibly ignore it, could kiss Steve now and make him focus on other things. It is tempting but he made a promise to himself that he would answer when asked and he takes a breath and closes his eyes, doesn’t say anything for a few moments. He can feel Steve shift a bit on the bad, can feel his fingers move off of his skin now.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, if you can’t for some reason.”
There is understanding in his voice, understanding and something that sounds a bit like worry, like insecurity. Clint opens his eyes and shakes his head just a bit.
“I can tell you, just give me a few seconds.”
Steve gives him a nod and his fingers settle on Clint’s arm, a comforting pressure. Clint keeps his eyes on Steve and it makes it a little easier to get ready to talk about this. He takes another breath and then starts and his voice is steady than it was last time he talked about this.
“It happened before I met you, like just before I met you, before the battle of New York, when Loki had me. I know it looks older than that, not as new, but that is when it happened. It was night, during some down time, and Loki had me in his chamber, had me undress.”
His voice does shake at that last word just as Steve’s eyes widen just a bit.
“Did he…” Steve asks and Clint doesn’t let him finish the question.
“No, he didn’t do that, I think he was saving that for later, didn’t get a chance to.”
Clint will always be just a bit thankful for that, thankful that with everything Loki did to him, took from him, that Nat was able to get him back to himself before he took that. Steve grabs his hand now, grips it tightly and Clint doesn’t move it away, just goes on with what he needs to say.
“He wanted to look me over and he did, asked me questions while he did so, asked me about Nat, about SHIELD. He saw my scars, asked me if some of them came from my time with them, if I bleed for them. I told him I did, answered every question he asked, had no choice.”
It had been horrible, sitting there so still, nothing covering him as Loki sat beside him fully clothed, the occasional touch of his cold fingers over Clint’s skin and how it didn’t feel as wrong as it should have, how the power of the spear made it ok, made Clint almost want Loki’s attention. He was trapped in himself and it is still hard to think about sometimes but he is going to talk about it now because Steve deserves to know just what happened, why Clint tenses up. He told Natasha while it was still so fresh and he can tell Steve now that it has been with him for awhile.
“He went and got something after a little while, talked about how I was his now. It was a knife, he showed it to me, told me that since I bled for them, I should bleed for him. He cut me then, made that scar, said I would always know I was his from now on.”
“You’re not his.”
Steve states this so plainly, with so much conviction in his voice that Clint gives a little smile at it.
“I know, I’m not but he said I was, did something to the cut after, made it heal fast but not without this scar. It is still a reminder of him and it isn’t easy to know just what he did to me, how he pushed me down inside myself, how weak I can be.”
He can feel the sting of tears forming in his eyes and he closes them for a moment, doesn’t let the tears fall. Steve is still holding his hand but he shift a bit closer, Clint can feel him move, and the fingers on his arm move to his throat now, to the pulse there. The touch is warm, gentle and light, everything Loki’s was not and Steve’s voice is soft when he speaks.
“You’re not weak. You survived him, Clint, survived him like you have everything else.”
When Steve says it, Clint can believe it, just like he can when Natasha says that he is stronger than he realizes. He doesn’t say anything, just opens his eyes and gives Steve a little nod . Steve gives him a small smile, fingers gently moving away from his throat and hand, and soon enough he is wrapping his arms around Clint, moving so that they are lying down instead of sitting. They lay like that for a few moments of quiet, Steve just holding him as Clint lets himself just breathe for a little bit. After a few moments, Steve’s voice breaks the quiet.
“I want you to know that you don’t have to bleed for me, Clint, I won’t ask you to.”
It sounds like a promise and Clint knows to not always trust those but he wants to trust this one. He leans into Steve just a bit, smiles against the skin of Steve’s throat and whispers some words.
“I know.”
He does know that but he won’t tell Steve that he thinks he would bleed for him, doesn’t think it is the right time to say something like that even though it is the truth. He would bleed for Steve just like he has for Nat but right now he doesn’t have to , just needs to lay here and let Steve hold him and he does.
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“You got a new blanket, how many do you need in your living room?”
It is the first things he says as he walks into Natasha’s living room and she gives a little shrug as she makes her way to the couch. There are two blankets on the back of it but both of those are familiar to Clint. In fact the plaid one on top is one Clint gave her years ago. She told him once that when she was a child they only allowed them to have one blanket and the rooms were always cold. She said it made them stronger and she always thought extra blankets were a luxury. He got it for her just because and she had given him a soft smile when she opened it, ran her fingers over it and commented on how soft it was. She has collected quite a few more over the years, some from Clint and some she has gotten herself, and most of her furniture ends up with one draped over them.
“As many as I want and this one is really soft.”
She says this simply as she sits down. Clint looks at the new blue blanket thrown over one of her chairs and it does look really soft. He thinks about touching it but his hands are full right now so he just gives a little nod and makes his way over to the couch, sits down and puts the package on the coffee table in front of him. Natasha looks at it for just a moment before turning to him and asking a question.
“Any reason you brought your mail with you today?”
“Thought I would see if you would let me keep this here for a little while.”
“Depends on what it is. Can I?”
She asks pointing to the box and he gives her a nod. He watches as she tears the tape off it, opens it, and pulls what is inside out. She stares out it for a long moment, expression somewhere between confusion and amusement.
“Why do you need to keep this here?”
She is holding it with one hand, up in the air like she is still not quite sure what to make of it.
“It is a present for Steve but I don’t know when I’m going to give it to him and I don’t want him finding it in my place before then. Does he come over here a lot?”
Clint isn’t even sure if Steve has ever been here, doesn’t think he and Nat hang out that much outside of missions and the occasional time when it is all three of them but it doesn’t hurt to ask. She just shakes her head.
“Your boyfriend and I don’t exactly hang out or have secret meetings or anything like that. You can keep it here but are you really sure a stuffed animal is the most romantic gift?”
She holds out the Cap bear to him when she says this and he grabs it from her.
“It isn’t supposed to be a romantic gift, it is supposed to be funny. It is really cute though, don’t you think?”
He moves the bear’s paw so it is waving at her and she rolls her eyes a bit and lets out a sigh.
“I suppose. I’ll find a spot for it later.”
“Thanks, you’re the best.”
He leans towards her with those words, brushes a kiss against her cheek.
“I know, ready to go get lunch?”
She says this and that is the plan for the day, lunch and just some time together and he gives a nod.
“Yep but first I want to give you something.”
“It’s not a stuffed animal, is it?”
She asks and he shakes his head.
“Don’t worry, that is just a Steve thing for now. It is still a little corny though.”
It is a bit corny and a bit sentimental and that isn’t always the best way to go with Natasha but Clint wanted to get her this. He gets it out of his pocket now, hands her the small box and watches as she opens it up.
“Really, an arrow?”
There is a bit of fond annoyance in her voice and a little smile on her lips. Clint gives her a shrug and bigger smirk.
“You should be glad I got a small one, they had bigger ones, and matching earrings. I wanted you to know it is from me, that I’m still yours even with everything going on.”
He is hers, even if they aren’t an official couple, even with all their complications. She holds the necklace out and looks at it, turns to him and just stares at him for a moment.
“You’re such a sap.”
She mutters this but there is still that small smile on her face.
“But I’m your sap.”
“That you are. Help me with it.”
She holds it out to him and he moves the teddy bear before taking it, unclasping it and placing it around her neck. It looks good, the necklace small and dainty, something most people won’t even notice. Nat gets up and goes look in the mirror she has in the living room, looks it over.
“Not too bad. How does Thai sound?”
“Good, eat there or bring it back? Anything else you want to do while we are out?”
He asks and they talk about it as they leave the apartment. They walk close together, not holding hands but brushing into each other on occasion, and it is a comfortable walk. They get their lunch, bring it back to the apartment and eat while watching some tv. It is a lazy afternoon for both of them and right before Clint leaves, Nat puts the bear on her dresser drawer for safe keeping. He’ll get it from her when he needs it.
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“Have you ever thought of getting a cover-up for any of your scars?”
Steve asks the question while they are watching one of those competition reality shows, this one about tattoo artists and the theme of the day is scar cover up. Steve will watch his reality shows with him and that is sort of nice. Clint just gives a little shrug as he answers the question.
“There is only one that I would really want covered and I just don’t know what I would want there, can’t really change it easily once I get it.”
Steve just gives a little nod, eyes darting to the spot where the scar from Loki’s is. It is covered up right now but they both know that it is there and Clint has gotten a bit better about it the last few weeks but he still isn’t that comfortable with it. Steve just turns his attention back to the episode and Clint doesn’t really think about any possible ideas for tattoos until a couple weeks later, when Steve comes over with a sketch book and markers.
“I was thinking about what you said, about how you weren’t sure what you would cover it up with, how you can’t change it once you chose and I have an idea.”
Steve says this to him one day, opens up the sketch book. There are designs on the page that he shows Clint, different things, fire, trees, ice but they all have the same general shape to them, a curve like the one on his hip.
Clint asks, might know the answer already but it is still sometimes hard to think that others will give him gifts. That is what these are, a gift and Steve gives a little nod.
“They are, if you want them or we can find some other designs.”
“They’re beautiful but I wouldn’t know what to pick and it wouldn’t be easy to change.”
Clint means it, the designs are beautiful and it means a lot that Steve has thought about this, that he drew these for Clint but it doesn’t change the fact that if he chose one, that would be it. Steve just gives a little smile right now and speaks again.
“I thought about that. If you want, you could try them out, see how they look. I could draw them on you, they would fade or wash off and then you could try a new one.”
It is a good idea but there is still the problem of Clint not liking that scar touched. Maybe it is something that they can work up to so Clint gives a little nod right now.
“That would work but let’s wait a little while before we try it, have to make sure I can sit still for it.”
It is a bit of an excuse and Steve might know that but he doesn’t say anything, just gives Clint another little smile and then a kiss. They look over the designs a bit more now, Steve telling Clint just why he picked out certain things, what colors might work best for which but soon they are interrupted by both of their phones going off. There is a mission, one for both of them and the notebook gets set aside to be looked at a bit closer later.
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