Heart to Heart
Natasha's heart began slamming against her chest and she let out a halted breath as she tried to act normal. It was so silly, but every time she saw Steve in his gear, ready to go out and fight as an Avenger, it made her feel so blessed to be his partner.
Inwardly, she thanked her lucky stars that he came looking for her instead of the other way around. It wasn't easy being vulnerable with someone you loved, especially after you've hurt them unintentionally.
Peter looked from Steve to Natasha and made his way towards the door. "I'll give you two a minute," he said, and closed the door quietly.
For a long, quiet moment, they just stared at each other, neither one choosing to make the first move. God, they could be impossibly stubborn. Big enough to realise that they needed to reconcile, but both so afraid to be the first one to speak up.
Natasha resisted the urge to run her hands through her hair in frustration. They were losing precious time. In less than twenty minutes, they'd have to be on the quinjet, flying to Russia to fight more Hydra scum. They didn't have time to pussyfoot around.
"Steve, listen...about what you heard earlier. That wasn't what you thought it was. When Maria started talking about marriage, she surprised me and I was caught off guard by what she said. You have to understand."
There was no anger in his eyes or in his voice, only a weariness, as if he'd been thinking about what he overheard and felt drained from the many reasons why she said what she did. "Then explain it to me."
"See, you came in on the back end of our conversation and I get why, in your perspective, what I told Maria sounded really bad." The intensity of Steve's blue eyes made it hard for Natasha to focus and she looked away.
"I...never knew that you wanted to marry me. I mean, I had a feeling that you'd thought about it from time to time. We've been together for a while now, so that's only natural. I found myself thinking about it too, being married, having your children." Her voice broke faltered after saying 'children'.
Now, Steve knew what Natasha's next words were going to be about. Children were always a sore spot for her because she couldn't have any. So he chose to never bring it up, but maybe he had made an error with that decision. He inched closer to her as she continued to talk in a hushed tone.
"I know that you want a family more than anything, but I can't give you that, no matter how much I want to. You could have kids if you wanted, but me? I can't. That choice was stolen from me by the Red Room and I can't change that."
Tears began to spill down her cheeks as she went on. "You don't know how many times I've laid in bed, wondering what it would be like to have your baby, to know what motherhood feels like. I know that having a child isn't the be all end all of a woman's life, but I can't help thinking about it."
Natasha was crying so much that it was hard for her to see, but Steve came forward and wiped her tears away with his calloused thumb. "Nat, stop. Do you really think I care about that?"
She sniffled and looked at him with trembling lips. She remembered how he'd smiled down at the little boys and girls who asked him for his autograph, the way his eyes softened when he'd see a young couple with a baby in tow. Steve had been a natural with kids, so Natasha assumed that he'd want to be a father someday.
"You don't?"
"Well, sometimes, I do. Every man does, but just because you can't have a child, doesn't make you less important to me. I'd love you whether or not you could carry our child. I love you for who you are, not for what you can do or what you can have." Steve put his hand on her shoulder and kissed her forehead lovingly.
"I've got you, Peter and the Avengers. That's more than enough for me. Being with all of you makes me happy, you make me happy. Nat, you're my better half and without you, I'd be lost at sea. If you ever have any concerns about us, please come to me with them." He chuckled. "For a while, I thought you were saying that you didn't want this to be a serious thing."
Oh, yes. Natasha could hear his voice as he said, "What the hell have we been doing for the last three years?"
"It's not that!" She gripped his hand in hers. "I do want to marry you, Steve...someday in the future, but I'm just afraid of it. Marriage is a big step. What we have is good and I like it, but I can't help wondering how wonderful it would be to wake up next to you with your ring on my finger, knowing that we're bound for each other. It's beautiful, but it's scary!"
Natasha felt ridiculous for saying this, but it was time to get all of her worries off her chest. Years ago, she and Steve made a promise not to keep secrets from each other. Yeah, it was a hard concept for her at first, but she got used to it as time went by.
Communication is the key in a relationship, Nat, Clint had told her when she informed him of her choice to be Steve's girlfriend. It's a two-way street. If you hold something back from him or vice versa, it'll be a problem later on. Trust me. I've been married for over ten years, so I have a lot of experience with this kind of thing.
Steve laughed heartily, not expecting to hear that, but she did have a point. Marriage was definitely not something you enter into lightly. It was scary and amazing all at once because it was essentially binding yourself to your spouse, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.
"I have to agree with you on that, but it'd be worth a try. Marriage isn't for everyone because some people just aren't mature enough to handle it. You and I are a different story, though." He grazed her cheek with his palm. "I think I could get used to calling you Mrs. Rogers."
"And I'd love being able to call you my hubby," Natasha replied with a sassy smile on her lips.
"That'd be nice to hear." Steve's eyes took on a serious look and he squeezed her hand. "Nat, I'm sorry about how I reacted. I shouldn't have assumed something so badly about you. I guess I was scared, too. Sometimes, I think if I don't hold on to you as tightly as I can, I'll lose you like I did Peggy."
Hearing that made Natasha's heart lurch and she took his face in her hands so he wasn't able to look away from her. "Baby, you will never lose me. Okay? There's no way in hell that I plan on going anywhere and I'm not going to leave you either. I love you."
A happy breath expelled from Steve's mouth and he held his forehead to Natasha's. Her words were like medicine to the wounds his fears had created and the pain was gone. "I love you," he whispered back and lowered his head to capture her soft lips in a passionate kiss.