Chapter 5
Ward couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed. Not pretending to be laughing like with business associates, not chuckling or chortling, but Laughing-Out-Loud -laughing. He could hear himself snore in the midst of the laughter and it made him laugh even more. There might also have been a little bit of hysteria involved. The question hadn't been that funny (although it was hilarious and unexpected), but he just didn't seem to be able to stop. The fact that Lumi stared at him, still pretending to be serious and annoyed, didn't help at all. If he even looked in her direction, he started to laugh again. He had to put the glass down on the table to wipe his eyes. When he was finally able to stop, he felt empty, but in a good way. Although nothing had changed in his life, some of the weight on his shoulders had lifted, and he was able to breathe a bit more freely.
He kicked off his shoes (Lumi clearly didn't want shoes on her bed) and backed up, leaned against the wall, still shaking his head and drying the wetness of his cheeks to his palms. He took off his loose necktie and threw it on the table, trying not to hit the candle.
”A worm?”
”Yes, a worm. I'm waiting.”
Lumi's head was slightly tilted to the side, and she observed him like he was an interesting specimen to be studied. Ward cleared his throat.
”Well... I guess I would be... infinite. And eating my own tail.”
”...then when you're done, you would cease to exist?”
”...yes.”
”That's... quite beautiful, actually.”
Ward could see Lumi's expression soften, and might have imagined some moisture gathering to the corners of her eyes. He didn't see the idea as beautiful, but more likely gruesome or morbid. Like his life was.
”What about you?”
”Nonono, this game doesn't work that way. You have to ask your own questions.”
Ward's mind drew a blank. What did he want to know? He didn't feel confident enough ask any deep personal questions. Her business would be a safe enough subject.
”How do you remember what the patrons want when they come here? From what I've noticed, they hardly ever have to ask. You seem to remember what everyone's ”the usual” is.”
”Not at first of course, but I give them nicknames to help me remember. And the ones who come here, are mostly regulars, so it's quite easy.”
”Nicknames?”
”Well there's the 'tower guy', 'dances with brats', 'not-to-be-mistaken-for-that-other-one'... and let's see... oh, yes, 'the other one'.”
Lumi flashed a quick smile. Even though it vanished from her lips, it lingered in her eyes.
”Did I have a nickname?”
”Oooh no. I recognized you the moment you stepped through the doors.”
”But what if you hadn't? What would it have been?”
”I'm not sure I should share that information with you.”
Ward utilized his expertise in negotiation tactics; kept quiet and waited until Lumi caved in.
”Ok, but don't blame me if you don't like it.”
She breathed in, scrutinized him carefully and finally exhaled forcefully.
”Awsome-smile-with-well-filled-suit? There! That's the smile!”
---
I wasn't sure how he would take the nickname. The bit about the smile was a fact and I could tell from the trace of lean muscles under his dress shirt that he worked out. Fortunately, I needn't have worried since he smiled his gorgeous smile, raised his glass to me and inhaled the rest of his drink. Then he refilled both of our classes.
”So it's not Arrogant Bastard then,” he replied, digging the medicine bottle out of his pocket, and placing another one of those tiny tablets into his mouth. Were they some kind of supplements? Vitamins? Because you couldn't just eat medicine the way he was doing.
”You have never been arrogant.”
He chuckled, resting his head against the wall.
”How little you know me.”
He turned his head to face me. There was a red tinge surrounding his eyes. He must be so tired. His hair had decided to let itself loose and now framed both sides of his face. He didn't seem to mind anymore. ”Who's turn is it?”
”I believe it's mine.”
And so we went on, asking questions, both silly and serious (Ever sung karaoke? He hadn't, but he sang in the car if there was an appropriately angsty song on the radio. And occasionally in the shower. Music preferences? I liked all things catchy and easy to sing along with. And an occasional larger-than-life ballad. Even if I really didn't have a voice for them. Best food he ever tasted? He had to think hard for this one, but in the end decided it was a hot dog from a football game his father had taken him when he was 11. )
”Did you always want to work there, at Rand?”
Ward strained his neck like he was trying to loosen something heavy from his shoulders. He stared at his glass and lifted it to his lips. And kept it there.
”I don't think I ever had a choice. That's my life. Has been ever since my father died.” He was talking as the rim of the glass rested on his lips. Then he emptied it in one gulp and refilled it.
The buzz in my head created a sense of unsolicited courage. I felt like I knew him. And it was in his best interest to hear my infinite wisdom. People who claimed they had no choice had somehow always irritated me. I did, however, have to formulate my words very carefully, since the nerve endings controlling my lips and tongue had apparently decided to go on vacation.
”Of course you have a choice. You can fight. You can run. Or you can do nothing. If you decide to do nothing, it's still a choice. I on the other hand, usually choose running. I'm very good at running.”
Ward went completely still. Regret flushed through me leaving fear in its wake. Something I'd said had offended him. I hadn't wanted that to happen. I hadn't wanted to hurt him. I panicked and took a huge gulp from my drink. I almost choked on it. I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop it from coming back up again. My throat was on fire and water was streaming from my eyes.
When I could see again, he was rolling yet another tablet from the tiny orange bottle. His hand was shaking. He washed the pill down with a large gulp of whisky. Was he really allowed to do that? I felt alarmed and was about to apologize for what I'd said when he spoke, words a bit blurry and colorless.
”Is this, ” he gestured around the apartment ”is this everything you ever desired?”
I felt my insides clutch together. Was he trying to insult me? Did he want to belittle my accomplishments? But his tone was more tired than malicious and he stared at the ceiling with such abandonment, I hoped I could have had some means to take my words back. That being impossible, I decided to be as truthful as I could.
”No, I never knew what I wanted to do. I'd studied this and that, done all kinds of jobs, but nothing ever felt like something I'd enjoy in a long run. Until I had this opportunity. Now this,” I mimicked his hand movement, ”this feels right. I'm happy when I open the doors in the morning. I'm also exhausted when I lock this place up at night, but it's mine and I can blame no-one else but me for what might happen to it.”
I felt a little out of breath. Why did I, again, had to try to fill the silence with as many words as possible? Fortunately, Ward was acting like a living, breathing person again. He lifted his feet on the bed and rested his elbows on his knees. He rotated the empty glass in his fingers. His voice was still flat though.
”Is something going to happen to it?”
”I hope not. But I have to confess I'm not a very good businesswoman. If I didn't own the property, I'd probably had to close already. As it is, I'm getting by if nothing catastrophic happens.”
”Like a power outage melting all the ice cream?”
”Yeah, something like that.”
---
Ward had years of practice in controlling himself. The Shield (as he called it in his mind) had risen over him the instant Lumi had said something that made him angry. No, not angry, furious. But his vast experience told him that it was pointless to retaliate, so he withdrew into himself, put up the imaginary wall and waited for the reaction to pass. It had always been his go-to strategy. It might have hurt him to do so (in more ways than one), but at least he hadn't done anything irreversible to others in his bouts of anger. Somehow, he still felt disappointed in himself afterward.
He couldn't believe someone would be so naive that they believed there was always a choice. Sometimes there just wasn't. But what did you expect from someone who had lived so sheltered life, devoid of any hardships? She had no god damn idea what Wards life was like. No god damn idea.
Ward felt the control coming back bit by bit. But he needed to calm himself completely, so he dug one more tablet out of the pill bottle and rinsed the pill down with whisky. He glanced at Lumi and was startled to see that she stared at him with a worried expression. He didn't need to be questioned about his medication. He was in complete control over it, and barely ever exceeded the doctor's orders.
So he asked the first thing that came to his mind before Lumi could comment on his drugs. While she was talking, he felt slowly getting back in control. He could even relax a little bit again.
The state of her business didn't come as a complete surprise to him. And he thought he knew the reason why.
”You're not doing so well because you are too good a person to be a good businesswoman.”
Lumi leaned back a little. She looked at him incredulously.
”What? No, no I'm not. I'm not a good person. I have horrible thoughts. Mean, petty, envious thoughts. I am trying my best to do good things though. And I hope that's what ultimately matters.”
Finally feeling completely like himself again, although still reeling from the animosity he had briefly felt, he took in a deep breath and briefly closed his eyes.
”You give food away for free. You're taking in strays. What kind of horrible thoughts can you possibly have?”
She fiddled with the bed cover, eyes cast down and spoke with a whisper.
”I was really trying to avoid having to invite Hood up here. I mean I probably couldn't get the stench out for days if he slept here. Not very Good Samaritan of me is it.”
Ward stared. He would have been happy to leave him where he had been, in the alleyway. If that was the extent of her 'evil', what did it make him? He had ordered a man to be sent to a mental hospital, to be beaten, and then pushed him out of a window of a high-rise, for god's sake. Not to mention the questionable things he was doing with the pension fund. Suddenly he had a great difficulty in swallowing. He needed one more pill. Just one. Then he would be okay.
He knew Lumi wouldn't just let it go. But he was too worn out to care. Eyes closed, he waited for the inevitable question.
”Are you alright? Those pills you take? Are you sure you should take them with alcohol?"
Ward felt exhausted. The room was warm, dark and the bed he was sitting on was comfortable. He was so, so tired of all the secrets, the deceit, being constantly on the alert. And she was practically a stranger, what would she care.
”My father uses me as his personal punching bag. I need these for the pain.”
As soon as he'd said the words he knew it had been a mistake. He had been momentarily fooled by the false sense of security. She could start rumors. Rumors that would hurt Rand Enterprises. Or if not rumors about the business, then about his father, or him. He must have been losing his mind talking about his father that carelessly. He turned to her, expecting to meet a horrified expression. Instead, she was staring at the ceiling as if deep in thought.
”Do you think anyone would be interested in purchasing liquid ice cream as breakfast?”
Had she not heard him? Maybe she had been so deep in thought that she hadn't registered what he'd said. Relief washed over him and he gladly played along.
”Maybe if you market it correctly? Give it a nice name?”
”Let's see... liquid ice cream... Lice cream? Pre-digested sorbet? Wet ice? Wice? No?”
Ward had to smile. ”You're terrible at marketing.”
Lumi sighed and flashed a smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes.
”Story of my life.”