Knowhere

Peter was well known for his flightiness and his inability to hold down any kind of commitment aside from a strange loyalty to his adoptive father Yondu. His mother had died and he had run off before anyone could snatch him and he got lost fast. He had been cold, scared, confused and in enough emotional pain that it didn’t occur to him that some dude ready to pick him up of the side of the road was probably a freaking child molester. Yondu wasn’t into the kiddies thankfully, but a good portion of his crew did threaten to eat him regularly. Peter was pretty sure Yondu picked him up because a kid his size could squeeze into small spaces that adults couldn’t, so it was good for all that stealing Yondu did.

But he got over that life, now the police were on his ass, and he never liked his life with Yondu anyways so he figured he’d just up and move. He was headed to New York, he thinks, with his U-Haul and all his stolen shit singing along to his favorite music when he sees a guy on the side of the road. He thinks about it for a few moments before deciding fuck it; the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He’d pick the dude up; see where he wanted to go. He pulls over and opens the door, “where to, stranger?” he calls out.

The guy glaring back at him looks vaguely familiar but he doesn’t think too much of it. Peter was terrible with faces and even if he knew this guy, which was highly unlikely, he didn’t much care. All he was doing here was picking up a bit of company for the ride so he had a sing-along buddy for the road.

“Just get me the hell away from here,” the guy says, which was definitely weird as hell but Peter had no room to judge there.

“Alright, hop in. I don’t even know where I’m going, I’m just driving,” he tells his companion as he climbs in.

“So no one knows where you’re going? Excellent, that makes my life easier,” the guy says as Peter pulls back onto the road. It isn’t until he’s ten minutes down the road that he realizes the implications of the guy’s words and by then it’s too late and he’s probably going to get murdered. Shit.

*

Tony fucking hated Howard’s guts and he was done. He was tired of Howard’s drinking, his tirades, his abuse, and no matter how much his mother insisted that Howard really did love him Tony didn’t believe it for a second. It was hard to believe someone who cursed you out in increasingly creative ways, swearing up and down that he regretted your existence had any sort of love for you. Howard might love to hate Tony, but he didn’t love Tony.

He’d regret leaving his mother behind but he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. So he got a bunch of his stuff together and over the course of a few months he sold a bunch of it, amassing a good amount of money before he swiped all of Howard’s precious fucking Rolexes so he could pawn those if he needed to as well. There was some other jewelry and stuff that he swiped before he left too, things he knew were worth a lot of money but those things were all contingencies because they were potentially traceable. He was certain that his mom would stop Howard from calling the cops but if he did Tony didn’t want to leave a trail, hence why he sold a bunch of his own shit to get cash.

There was still the problem of a ride though, and he didn’t want to risk any trace on him at all. Bus stations and train stations all had cameras and he had no interest in being found so those were out. Eventually he had decided to just start walking and hope that someone would pick him up. It took a long while but some dude in a U-Haul shows up and pulls over, asking him where he was headed. Tony didn’t have an answer to that question because all he wanted was the hell away from Howard, which was what he told the guy in so many words.

U-Haul guy informs him that he’s just sort of driving and Tony relaxes some, telling him that that makes his life easier. It isn’t until he’s been sitting in the vehicle for an hour or so that he realizes the implications of his words and he kicks himself.

*

Peter has never been fond of awkward silences so eventually he gets tired of his passenger’s brooding and turns to him. “So. What’s your name?” he asks, “mine’s Peter.” Might as well show him that he’s a person with a name and stuff so he won’t get murdered on this trip.

His companion squints at him a little but he eventually sighs, “Tony,” he says.

“Neat, so what inspired you to travel?” he asks in an attempt to draw the guy out of his pretty hard looking shell.

“I fucking hate my life, you?” he asks. He isn’t even looking at Peter, which, rude.

“Same actually. I got bored and figured what the hell have I got to lose? I don’t have family, I hated the people I lived with, and it isn’t like I’ve got a relationship or a pet or something to keep me in one place so I just packed my shit and started driving.” Of course as soon as he finishes saying all of that he realizes that he’s prime fucking victim material. He’s seen Criminal Minds; serial killers always go for the ones with no ties, no destination, or no connections to the destination they were in. People no one would know were missing and he fit that bill for some time now. He went missing when he was ten; to say he was an easy target was an understatement.

Tony seems to relax a little at that and Peter curses himself because clearly the serial killer thought he was an easy target too. God damnit. “I was pretty much in the same situation, except I put more planning into leaving. I do have family and they have resources and I’d rather not be found,” he says.

Peter remains silent for a long few moments, not sure what to say because he wasn’t totally sure what that meant, and by the time he thinks he has a response it’s been too long so he turns the music back up and drives.

*

The last thing Tony wanted Peter to think was that he was a serial killer so when he wakes up before Peter does he goes in search of food. He finds a decent looking diner and orders some breakfast to go and hopes to hell Peter has no allergies and that he wasn’t a vegan or something. Mostly he wanted to convince the guy he was friendly and that he wasn’t about to murder him any time soon.

By the time he gets back to the U-Haul Peter is frantically looking around, presumably for Tony. “I didn’t go anywhere,” Tony tells him as he opens the door, “well, nowhere far.” He hands Peter the Styrofoam container with his food and Peter grins wide.

“Thanks man!” he says, snatching the plastic fork Tony hands to him and he all but attacks the food. Tony eats his own in silence and tries to keep from laughing at Peter’s moaning and comments about the food. Compared to the food of his upbringing this isn’t that great but no one made breakfast like Jarvis and Tony has accepted that.

“So where are we off to now?” Tony asks as Peter takes off, still licking his lips. If Tony didn’t know any better he’d say Peter was used to being hungry. Actually he didn’t know any better and he sort of hoped he was wrong. Of all the abuses he’s suffered hurting for food was never one of them unless Howard was feeling particularly cruel and even then his mom always managed to slip him something.

“No clue, how do you feel about all left turns?” Peter asks.

“Just make sure we’re not in town when we do it otherwise we’re going to be circling a city block all day and freaking out the locals,” he says.

Peter throws his head back and laughs, “maybe we should do that, that’s hilarious!” he says.

“At least until the cops get called but yeah, that’s be funny,” Tony says. A mention of the cops has Peter spooked though so they don’t end up following through, which makes Tony curious.

*

After breakfast Tony thaws out some and they end up arguing about which era was better for music, seventies or eighties. Neither one of them wins their debate but they both agree that modern pop music was fucking terrible. They both made exceptions for Beyoncé though and that was all that mattered.

“Okay, dumbest thing you’ve ever done- go,” Peter says, grinning at Tony.

Tony groans and smacks his palm to his face, “probably this or that one time I decided to hack the Pentagon for fun and got put on house arrest for being a threat to national security for three months,” he says.

Peter damn near hits the breaks because what. “Okay buddy, proof or it didn’t happen,” he says because that was just too ridiculous.

He gets a look from Tony but he pulls out his phone- a StarkPhone and those things weren’t cheap. Peter can’t help but think of the decent money he could make off of it if he hocked it but he leaves that alone. He was trying to make friends now. Tony dials a number and puts the call on speaker as it rings. “Agent Phil Coulson, Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division,” the person on the other end says.

“Hey Agent, remember that time I hacked the Pentagon for funsies?” Tony asks, snickering.

“How did you get my phone number?” the guy on the other end snaps.

“I hacked SHIELD just so I could get your number and harass you,” Tony tells him.

“God damn it, St-” the agent starts but Tony hangs up on him.

“Proof enough?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

“How do I know what wasn’t some random dude on the other end who’s in on the joke?” Peter asks, squinting suspiciously.

Tony gives him a look, “you ever heard of Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division?” he asks. Peter shakes his head, that shit was a damn mouthful, he’d remember it if he ever heard of it. “That’s because it’s a super secret government agency that no one knows about and Agent hates me. You can always call back,” Tony says.

Peter ends up calling back from a payphone just to make sure Tony wasn’t totally bullshitting him and he totally gets Agent again. “City crematorium here, you kill ‘em we grill ‘em, we got an agent here with a funky ass badge and we’ve been directed to you,” Peter says. Behind him Tony doubles over with his hands over his mouth doing his mouth so Agent here couldn’t hear him laughing.

“You what? What agent?” Agent asks in an urgent tone. Peter would feel bad if he wasn’t such a jackass.

“Nah, just fucking with you, I just wanted to make sure there were agents to worry about here. I’m telling everybody about SHIELD now,” he says and cackles, hanging up as Agent starts yelling.

“Oh my god, that was hilarious!” Tony wheezes out.

“Dude, you pointed me towards a super secret government agency. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to be, man. We’re gunna be roommates,” Peter decides. Thankfully Tony agrees.

*

They end up settling into some small ass town that they both hated but they wanted an adventure and neither one of them had ever lived in a small town before so this was it. Of course they didn’t anticipate the weird amount of drama the area had to offer and neither one of them were willing to give up front row seats to a live reality show so they stuck around to watch everyone’s shit.

Gamora, a woman Peter met while buying chips, had one hell of a terrible relationship with her bald but weirdly hot sister Nebula. There was a tall mute dude from Nigeria who hung out with a small guy that looked kind of like a raccoon given the skin markings, not that people made many comments on the vitiligo for obvious reasons. Tony also discovered a redhead that could very well be a spy, a gay reverend that he disliked because Steve Rogers was an ass but his husband Bucky was a delight, and he totally found a guy who was into science. Bruce had also been excited to find a science buddy in the middle of pissfuck Knowhere, literally, that was the town’s name.

Peter found an ex mass murderer named Drax and made a joke to Tony about being worried that he’d picked up a Drax in the beginning instead of Tony. Drax, thankfully, was reformed and mostly just invested in his daughter Heather, who definitely did not hit the name jackpot in the town’s mess of children naming. The fact that her name was normal actually made her abnormal.

Regardless, they hated living in a bumpkin town but the drama was just too good to pass up.

*

Tony sits beside Peter, passing him a beer as he drops an arm around Tony’s shoulders. “So how long have you two been together?” Steve asks them; looking almost like he didn’t have a stick up his ass. Bucky had probably told him to get his shit together, Tony thinks, because he and Tony got along considerable well.

Gamora also leans forward in interest and Tony frowns, “we aren’t together,” he says.

“I mean we’re roommates,” Peter adds.

“Uh huh, ‘roommates’,” Rocket says, making air quotations with his fingers. Groot, his buddy, gives him a look and Rocket rolls his eyes. What the hell just happened no one knew because only Rocket understood Groot’s expressions.

“Why were there air quotations around that?” Peter asks.

“We aren’t bigots,” Nebula snaps. She glares at everyone when they all look at her and Tony thinks she was trying to be gentle. It was hard to tell with her.

“What she means to say is that we aren’t the stereotypical small town,” Gamora says in a far more gentle tone.

“Yeah I got that, we’re throwing a fucking luncheon and we invited a gay reverend and a mass murderer to it,” Peter says, gesturing to Steve and Drax.

“I only killed fourteen people,” Drax says and everyone frowns.

“Yeah, that’s not better, Drax,” Rocket tells him. Groot looks alarmed.

Steve and Bucky exchange a look and sigh, “look, we’re accepting here, there’s no need to hide your relationship,” Steve says. He’s got some weird look on his face, like he was genuinely trying to convince them that they would be welcome if they were dating but they got that already.

“Dude, again we invited a reverend and a mass murderer to a luncheon. We get that you’re weirdly accepting,” Tony says.

“Oh but don’t worry,” Rocket says dramatically, “it was only fourteen people!”

Drax glares down at Rocket, “do not make it fifteen,” he says, looking dead serious.

Rocket squints at him, “the fuck, dude?”

“Okay, lets leave them be. I want to know where that dip Peter makes is because I have been craving it for weeks,” Bruce says. Everyone else chimes in their agreement and Peter snickers to Tony.

“If they knew what was in that none of them would eat it,” he mumbles and Tony laughs because it’s true. Peter goes off to get the dip though and the subject changes to children because Steve and Bucky wanted one, Drax was always happy to brag about his kid, and Bruce looked kind of pained with the whole subject.

When Peter returns with the dip everyone decides to flip the subject back to Peter and Tony, asking if they wanted kids as they all attack Peter’s dip.

Tony snorts, “I don’t want children, I am a children,” he says.

Peter lifts a hand, “seconded,” he adds.

They both share a look though because they both knew that wasn’t entirely true. Sure, both of them wanted families, it was just that neither one of them wanted to be like their respective fathers.