Confessions
It has been exactly two months now. Two months with no texts or calls. Two months of falling asleep alone in my bed or maybe even on my couch when I wasn't able to reach my bed because of the big amount of alcohol flowing through my body. Two months of waking up to nobody laying next to me. It was horrible but there was nothing I could do. It felt like everybody around me was able to keep on living their lives to the fullest except for me. I tried to tell myself that I should just move on, that soon I would be over it and that I will forget about what happened back then. But I can't- I have tried so many times.
Today was one of those nights where I wasn't able to fall asleep because of all these thoughts running around in my mind so I decided to get up, heading towards the kitchen to get something to drink. I sat down at the counter, holding a glass of cold water in my hands and staring out of the window over the sink. Everything was silent in my house but my mind was screaming at me as if there was a little person inside of it.
'You should tell him!' it said. 'You know you need him.' It was right, I really needed Chris more than anything in the world. He was the person I wanted to go to bed with and the person I wanted to wake up with. He was the person who made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe anymore. He was the one who made my world a little bit brighter and he was the only one I would always love no matter what happened. But I fucked up.
The fight we had has been worse than every fight between us before. And it was all my fault. It happened at a bar late at night when I felt worse than I've ever felt because I had these damn feelings for Chris. So I got dead drunk. I was sitting at the bar, Chris was minding his own business and was talking to a few people on a table. Doesn't sound that bad, huh? But it got worse. I somehow lost control and ended up making out with some stranger on the counter of the bar with the intention of forgetting about Chris. Chris was watching us all the time. I did see his glances full of anger and maybe even jealousy but my intoxicated body couldn't stop until Chris had enough, dragged me away from the guy and carried me out of the bar because I couldn't walk properly anymore. He drove to his place, giving me the silent treatment during the whole ride.
After a bit of arguing, we both fell asleep in his bed. The next day, things got suddenly out of hand. Chris found articles on the internet about me making out with this guy. He started scolding me about my carelessness but I was sure it wasn't about the articles, it was about us.
We yelled at each other, we called each other names. I was furious, I told him he should mind his own business and he should leave me alone but he kept on picking on me. I heard Chris screaming and breaking things after I rushed out of his house because I couldn't stay any longer and I was also really ashamed. Instead of having enough courage to tell Chris what I was really feeling for him, I had pushed him away. I got more distant. And then I made out with a stranger.
It was 3.23 am when I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend I was alright every single day and I didn't want to give up on us either. I had to do it now or never. So I got up from the chair, left the glass of water still untouched and grabbed a jacket, leaving my house to get into my car. I still knew the route to Chris' house inside out.
I was thinking about what I should tell him, but suddenly my mind was empty and my hands on the steering wheel were shaking really bad. Should I really pop up at his house in the middle of the night? I wasn't even sure if he would let me in but it was worth a try. I got lost in thoughts and even ran a red light. Luckily, the streets were empty and I got in no trouble. When I saw Chris' house in the distance, I felt my heart racing. Maybe I should just turn around and drive back home. But no, I wasn't a coward this time.
I got out of my car and made my way to the entrance door. Surprisingly, all the lights in his house were on but I couldn't hear a sound. It took me five minutes to finally rang the doorbell, I was scared stiff. The moment he opened the door, I felt my legs getting weak and my heart was about to jump out of my chest. His hair was tousled and he wore the red shirt I've always loved the most. His blue eyes almost took my breath away like they always did. Chris looked at me surprisedly. There was no anger in his eyes at all. Just plain confusion.
"Sebastian?" At this moment I realized how much I've missed his soothing voice. I have missed every single little piece of him. His beautiful eyes that always were full of a little bit mischief but also joy, his soft hair, his gentle smile. Suddenly, I didn't know what to say. There were thousands of things I wanted to tell him right now, none of them escaped my lips.
"I...Uh...It's late I know...," I stammered, breathing heavily. "But there is so much I have to say and I couldn't wait until tomorrow." Chris didn't move at all, he only looked at me, waiting for me to continue.
"Look, I'm bad at apologies. But I'm so sorry, you can't even imagine. I was wrong," I began, my voice was shaking and my hands were sweaty. "I just- fuck. Chris, I love you so much. I always did. You're the only one I love. It was always you and only you. I was such a coward for not telling you earlier, I just pushed you away instead." I gulped. Chris facial expression went from confused to overwhelmed. He opened his mouth to say something, but I kept talking, my heart still pounding.
"Every time I caught myself thinking, I was only thinking about you. What I did was wrong, I know and I feel more than embarassed. These two moths felt like hell for me and I realized I can't live without you. I felt so lonely without you."
"So did I," Chris suddenly whispered and I could see the sadness in his eyes. "I love you too. I should've not been such an asshole, I'm sorry, too." My eyes were filled with tears but I blinked them away. He loved me. He really did. It took a load off my mind.
"No, it was my fault, not yours. Do you forgive me?" I asked, fiddling around with my fingers nervously. There was silence. But then Chris smiled and his eyes were full of happiness now."
"Of course I do. Now come here, Sebby." I hesitated first but then I put my arms around Chris waist, he pulled me closer to his chest and kissed me and suddenly I felt peaceful. It was a kiss full of passion and love. The whole world stopped, it was only Chris and me. His soft lips against mine felt so right. Chris slowly ran his hands through my hair and sent a shiver down my spine. I could feel his hot breath against my lips. We entered Chris' house without stopping the kiss. I shut the door by kicking it with my foot. Chris pushed me against the wall gently and wrapped his arms around my neck. A soft moan escaped my lips
"I love you so much," he murmured when our kiss ended and leaned his forehead against mine. I couldn't help myself and smiled at him.
"And I have missed this beautiful smile, too," Chris added and kissed me again, his lips tracing my jaw and neck, making me whimper quitely.
We were laying in Chris' bed. Gentle music came from the small speakers on the desk next to the bed. My were arms were wrapped around his waist and I rested my head on his chest. I could smell the heavenly scent of his aftershave. Chris caressed my cheek and hummed to the song playing, making me slowly falling asleep to the sound of his voice.
Oh, how I have missed this.