Nothing Is Going On

When Marlene comes back to Hogwarts on Christmas Day’s night, she finds her mother’s letter on her bed. Thicker than usual, promising tears and pain. She resolves to go to bed immediately. She had a great day, a wonderful day, she is not going to ruin that now. Christmas at the Potters are always wonderful. They are what Marlene dreamed it had to look like when she was a child. 

She didn’t talk to any of her friends about her deal with Dorcas and she doubts she ever will. Actually, she knows she’ll never share that. It’s to be forgotten soon anyways. 

Sirius and Remus are officially together since, well, today, day on which Remus told Sirius that he loves him back, which made some people (James, Effie and Marlene in this instance) shed a tear or two. 

Speaking of that, Marlene also got to see Effie and to piss James off by flirting with her. She doesn’t know if Effie is oblivious or if she is polite enough to pretend that she doesn’t notice Marlene trying but Marlene likes the way she reacts in the most ‘that’s sweet but you could be my daughter’ way, without saying it. 

She definitely likes Christmas at Hogwarts but she would be lying if she said she doesn’t want to spend her whole Christmas break at the Potters. But next year she’ll be seventeen and she won’t need her mother’s approval anymore. 

The next morning, she takes the letter at breakfast, still unopened. She stares at it while she slowly sips her hot chocolate. 

“How was Christmas at the Potters?” Says a voice in front of her and Marlene fights every cell in her body to not roll her eyes when she recognises Stacey’s voice, the Gryffindor girl with who she spent times at the beginning of the break. 

“Great. How was it here?”

“Oh, you know, as usual.”

Marlene breaks a smile and gazes back at the letter. Sirius told her not to open it alone. But with who is she suppose to open it? Stacey? Not even in nightmares. 

The thing is, Marlene is not going to be able to wait for her friends to come back to open the letter. Even if she tries, she won’t be able to wait. 

Suddenly, she realises that Stacey is still talking and that a few meters from her, standing straight, is Dorcas, glaring at Stacey. The image amuses Marlene who tries not to smile. Why in hell is Dorcas looking at Stacey like that? Marlene has to admit Stacey is quite annoying but Dorcas doesn’t know her, right? 

“Anyways, I have to meet with McGonagall. See you!” Stacey says standing up and Marlene watches Dorcas watching her go. 

She smiles, waiting for Dorcas to turn her head to her. When she does, she is not returning the smile. She sits in front of Marlene and starts to eat without a word. 

“Hello.” Marlene grins, amused by whatever just happened. 

“Hi.” Dorcas says. 

“How was Christmas?” 

“Great. What is it?” Dorcas asks pointing at the letter. 

Marlene’s smile fades and she looks at the letter too. The thick brown letter. 

“Christmas gift.” She answers between her teeth. 

“Why didn’t you open it?” Dorcas asks, taking a sip of her juice. 

Marlene stares at the letter. Why didn’t she open it, that’s a question indeed. 

“Sirius told me not to open it alone.” She finds herself saying. 

Dorcas looks at her, intrigued but she doesn’t say anything specific. 

“Well, you’re not alone. I’m here.” She smiles. 

Marlene gives her a small smile and gazes at the letter, not moving. She feels Dorcas’ eyes on her but she also sees that she started eating again. 

Marlene takes the letter and turns it between her fingers. Yeah, well, she has to open it now. She gives a look at Dorcas who is watching her bowl but looks back when she feels Marlene’s gaze. 

Okay. She is going to open it. In the middle of the Great Hall. With Dorcas Meadowes. Exactly as planned, right? 

She pushes her breakfast away to have room on the table. She opens the letter and turns it upside down to make its content fall on the surface. She is surprised to see bill along with the six pages with her mother’s writing. She starts to  compartmentalise the money and the written letter when she notices a yellow scrap of paper. On one of the side, she sees a script she doesn’t recognise immediately. But then it hits her. It’s her father’s handwriting. She stares at it without reading it. She just cannot comprehend. There is only a few words. Maybe less than ten, but she cannot read it. She hasn’t received any note from his father since years. 

“What is it saying?” Dorcas asks. “You look whiter than usual.”

Marlene looks up at her, taking her eyes off the blurry paper. 

“Can you read it?” She says giving the paper to Dorcas. “Out loud.”

Dorcas looks at her, a bit surprised, but she takes the paper. She alternatively looks between Marlene and the paper then finally focuses on the note, “You don’t have to read that. I’m sorry. Happy Christmas.” She reads. 

Marlene stares at her in disbelief, “What?” She asks. 

Dorcas reads it again and Marlene takes the paper from her hands. She reads the note a few times before looking up at Dorcas and then reading the note a few times more. She throws a look at the letter from her mother. 

“Are you alright?” Dorcas asks, concerned. 

Marlene feels like she’s about to cry. Why? Why would her father tell her such a thing? Why? And why does she feels for the first time in her life like she doesn’t have to read her mother’s letter? Why would anything her father says influence her in any way? He wasn’t fucking there! For years! Never defended her. Never nothing. 

“Arsehole.” Marlene mumbles staring at the note. “Son of bitches.”

And then she starts to cry. Fucking shit. 

She puts her face in her hands. She is not able to stop crying. She cannot stop asking herself why. Why?

She hears the noise of paper and Dorcas standing up. In a minute, Dorcas is on her side of the table and she takes her away from the Great Hall. Marlene mumbles a ‘the letter’ but she doesn’t even have the time to say the full word and Dorcas is answering ‘got it’. 

When Marlene stops crying, she is on the floor of the astronomy tour, Dorcas in front of her, looking through the window.

She wipes her tears off, looking through the window too, “Sorry.” She says. 

“Why?” Dorcas asks, looking at her, genuinely startled. 

Marlene turns her head to Dorcas in surprise. Why? She stares at her in bewilderment. Why?

“I don’t know. Sorry.” She says. 

“Stop apologising. You’re not the apologising kind Marlene McKinnon.” Dorcas answers, and she smiles, and Marlene’s heart skips a beat. 

“Am I not?” She asks, forcing herself to grin. 

“Not when there are no excuses to make.” Dorcas whispers back. 

Marlene lets an angel pass while she looks through the window. There is a small amount of snow around the castle. It is pretty. It is calm. 

“I like winter at Hogwarts.” She says shutting her eyes and throwing her head backwards. 

“You do?” Dorcas asks. “Hum, yeah, me too.” She strutters. 

When she looks back at Dorcas, she finds her already staring but she quickly looks away. They stay silent for a moment, looking at the castle and the landscape through the window, listening to the wind outside. Marlene looks at the castle which is the only real home she ever knew. She looks at the caste that she will definitely leave in a bit more than a year. She looks at the home she’ll never see again and that makes her want to cry again. But Dorcas is right there, and she will not cry in front of Dorcas ever again. That is just so fucking embarrassing and, did Dorcas ever cry in front of her? Marlene cannot recall it well at the moment but she’s sure it never happened. Dorcas Meadowes never shed a tear in front of Marlene. 

After all those years, Marlene is still fascinated by the magnificence of Hogwarts. How gigantic and beautiful it is. How comforting the magic radiating from it is. Hogwarts feels like home to whoever never knew what home is. Marlene knows that by experience and by testimony. 

Her first year at Hogwarts, Marlene read most of the books about the construction of the school that she could find. She was enthralled by it, she felt something she never felt before between those walls: safety. A place in which she could safely be herself. A place in which she could make friends and build herself a family. A place in which she could be away from her mother and her words. And just like that, slowly and with care, Hogwarts began home, and her friends began home, and Marlene realised she built herself a home and a family, all in her own. It was thrilling to realise. 

“I never realised you have a mole on your thigh.” Dorcas suddenly says, and it sounds like it slipped out of her mouth but it is also so natural. 

Marlene looks at Dorcas, then at her own thigh on which she locates the mole, “Oh, yeah, never noticed neither.” She says. 

Dorcas is staring at the mole, mouth slightly open, unaware of her own action. Marlene just stares at Dorcas. How did Dorcas notice a mole Marlene didn’t know the existence of herself through her tights? 

“Have you never seen a mole?” Marlene asks after a long time of Dorcas just staring at Marlene’s thigh. 

Dorcas head snaps up and she looks at Marlene right in the eyes, “What? Yes.” She stutters as she looks away, then back on Marlene, than back away, “I have. I- yes I have already seen moles before.” 

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“Fuck off.” Dorcas hisses. 

“Are you attracted to my mole Dorcas Meadowes?” Marlene teases. 

“I said no flirting.” Dorcas answers, standing up. She stares at Marlene for a while then starts to go away. 

“Come on Meadowes!” Marlene shouts in a laugh, “I was kidding! Come back!”

And Dorcas stops, and does just that, but she doesn’t sit back down, instead, she holds out her hand to Marlene with a, oh, so soft smile, “Come on, let’s burn that bloody letter.”

And for the first time in her whole life, Marlene finds herself burning her mother’s letter without reading it. And for the first time in her whole life, Marlene doesn’t regret doing so. 

***

“I didn’t.”

“You did. I saw you. Why don’t you admit it?”

“Are you, like, always noticing everything I do?” Marlene asks.

“Why are you even ashamed of reading The Importance Of Being Earnest?” Dorcas yelps in genuine incomprehension. 

“Because Oscar Wilde is the perfect example of ‘being queer doesn’t mean being good’” Marlene answers. 

“You don’t like Oscar Wilde?” 

“I don’t like his characterisations of women.”

“Fair point.” Dorcas agrees. “But you didn’t like The Importance Of Being Earnest?”

“I did!” Marlene yelps, falling dramatically on the chair of Dorcas’ room. 

“Okay?” Dorcas says, not following. “You’ll have to specify.”

“It was a fun reading, like, you know, all the gays references, the misunderstandings and all. But mostly, I don’t admire Oscar Wilde.”

“Who do you like?” Dorcas asks and when Marlene starts to open her mouth, she specifies, “which literary man do you like?”

Marlene smiles at the idea that Dorcas knew she was going to talk about a woman, “Rimbaud. I love Rimbaud.”

“Wasn’t he a bit of a shitty person too?” 

“Don’t talk about Rimbaud like that.” Marlene says, offended. 

“I’m genuinely asking!” Dorcas answers, offended in turn. 

Marlene looks away then rolls her eyes, “He wasn’t all great. But he is my exception. He was seventeen. He was bloody brilliant.”

They’ve been exploring each other’s taste in, well, everything for the last two days. It turns out they like a lot of things in common, weather being the exception: Marlene loves sunny days while Dorcas feels comfort in rainy ones. 

This is how this conversation went:

“You cannot possibly prefer rainy days!” Marlene yelped. 

“What are you on about? They’re just the best days ever!” Dorcas responded. 

“They’re so not! So depressing!”

And on and on for at least thirty minutes, coming to the conclusion that they couldn’t agree. 

They also talked a lot about music, especially Dorcas’ love for classical music, mostly because of Regulus. 

This is how this conversation went:

“You’re telling me you never listened to classical music?” Dorcas asked, startled. 

“Well, I’ve listened to Sirius play piano. That counts doesn’t it?” Marlene answered. 

“Yes, okay. But like, you never listened to it willingly? With the knowledge of who you were listening to?”

“I was listening to Sirius, wasn’t I?” Marlene asked with a grin that made Dorcas snort. 

“I guess. Okay, my personal favourite is Mozart. Because he is bloody amazing! And also because he was a virtuoso. I’ve always had a thing for virtuosos. I think Regulus’ favourite composer is Beethoven, or Tchaikovsky, or maybe Chopin, not sure, I love Chopin. Okay, you have to listen to Mozart, because I said so. Did you know that Mozart…” 

And so she talked about Mozart while she was putting a record with his requiem on the record player, and Marlene listened, fascinated by the life of this man. To be honest, Sirius is rather ecstatic about him too, but she never really cared to listen. When the vinyl ended, Marlene was so transcended that she asked Dorcas to put it back at least three times, each time as mesmerised as the time before. 

And so now they are talking about books, and this is how the conversation is going:

“You love Mozart because he was a child prodigy,” Marlene starts, “well Rimbaud feels the same for me.”

“You love Mozart too.” Dorcas notes with a grin. 

“Oh, why is he dead and why do I love women!” Marlene cries dramatically with a hand on her front which makes Dorcas bark a laugh. 

“Rimbaud was prettier than Mozart.” Dorcas says, nodding along. 

“He was. He’ll be my exception I think.” Marlene says, very seriously. 

“Your exception?”

“You know,” Marlene says with a movement of the hand, “the only man I would shag.”

“Is that so?” Dorcas grins. 

And then they continue to talk about literature and music, and how they like their tea, and the rare muggle movies they saw, and their friends, and basically everything. 

Marlene knew Dorcas is intelligent, but the bitch is bloody brilliant. She shows Marlene a few spells she invented and they are all so amazingly great, so beautiful. Dorcas is not only clever, she is powerful and Marlene finds herself being a little bit jealous. 

But the worst thing isn’t there, the thing is, the more time they spend together, the less Marlene despises Dorcas’ company, and Dorcas as a whole. 

***

Marlene is not at all prepared to see her whole group of friends appear at breakfast the day before the end of the break. 

“Surprise!” Sirius screams entering the Great Hall and Marlene stands up in, well, surprise. 

Dorcas was sat in front of her a second ago and she just left for the loo. 

“What the hell?” Marlene says with wide eyes, running in Sirius’ arms who makes her swing around. “What are y’all doing here?” She asks to everyone when he lets her down. 

“We knew you missed us.” James says with a grin and she takes him in her arms too. 

Then for the next five minutes, she hugs and greets everyone, and for the other five minutes that follow, they explain how they planned to come back a day earlier to spend time with her. 

“It was my idea, frankly.” Sirius says.

“How dare you?” Mary asks, outraged. 

“It was our idea.” Sirius corrects with a grimace. 

“I’m starving,” Remus interrupts, visibly holding it back, “can we eat first and bicker later?”

“I’m with him.” Peter says, holding up a finger. 

And so they walk back to the table where Marlene was sat and where Dorcas came back. 

“Oh.” Mary says and she turns to Marlene who ignores her. 

The group continue to chat as they sit but Marlene has fallen silent, and so did Dorcas. Marlene is avoiding Dorcas’ eyes but she knows deep down what Dorcas is thinking. She knows deep down that Dorcas wants to go away but also that she knows it will be even more awkward. 

But thankfully (and oh, Marlene could never thank him enough) Peter starts to chat with Dorcas, it is not forced, he genuinely wants to talk to her. So Marlene relaxes and join the conversation. 

“Can someone pass me the-” Marlene starts and she doesn’t have the time to finish before Sirius, Mary and Dorcas hold out cinnamon powder to her. 

They do that without even looking at her, all three of them. They continue their conversation until they realise the table has fallen silent and they all turn to her. The thing is, Marlene always adds cinnamon to her hot chocolate, and Sirius and Mary obviously know that, it is not the first time something like that happens. The other thing is, Dorcas learned that about Marlene too during the past two weeks. 

The silence is long, extremely long. Mary and Sirius stares at Dorcas and sometimes throw a look at Marlene but none of them have moved. 

Dorcas slowly puts the cinnamon powder on the table then stands up, “Yeah, well, it was great.” She says while looking at everyone, but her gaze linger on Marlene. 

With that, she starts to walk away, leaving the group sit in silence. 

“Marlene.” Lily says softly like she can do so well. 

“Excuse me.” Marlene says standing up in turn and walking fast to catch Dorcas. She avoids her friends’ gaze because she is not quite sure what she is going to find. When Dorcas is within range, she calls after her, “Hey! Hey, would you stop?” 

“What?” Dorcas snaps when Marlene stops in front of her. 

Marlene doesn’t really know why, in fact. She stares at Dorcas in silence for a moment who gives her a challenging look. 

“That was always the plan, wasn’t it?” Marlene says looking away. “That was the deal. When school starts again and our friends come back we are strangers again. That was the deal.”

“Yeah, that was.” Dorcas says. 

“What do you mean?” Marlene asks, looking at Dorcas. 

“Nothing.” Dorcas snaps. “Absolutely nothing. That was the deal. That is the deal. Strangers, that is.”

“Strangers. That is.” Marlene repeats bitterly. 

With that, Dorcas throws her a final look then walks past her without looking back.