I got life
“I can’t believe you kissed Dorcas Meadowes and didn’t tell me!” Mary bursts.
“She kissed me, actually,” Marlene corrects, “and that didn’t mean anything.”
“You lied, Marlene! And it was a very bad lie if you ask.”
“Yeah, I know. Wasn’t very proud of that one. Could have definitely done better.”
“You two stayed together during the break, right?”
Marlene truly had no plan to talk about her deal with Dorcas to anyone but, well, now she doesn’t really have the choice. She has no intention in explaining it to everyone but she has to at least tell it to Mary, or she’ll fucking riot, that girl’s crazy.
So she does just that.
In the end, Mary looks at her in silence for a moment, something odd in her eyes, “Marlene.” She starts, and Marlene looks away. “Come on, Marls. You can’t tell me you still hate her.”
The thing is: Marlene doesn’t fucking know. She has no idea what she feels toward Dorcas, she feels something, that’s for sure, but she certainly doesn’t know what.
“We burned my mother’s letter.” She simply says, not really answering.
“You did?” Mary asks with wide eyes, because from so many years of knowing each other, Mary knows it is not something Marlene does. “What was it saying this time?”
“I don’t know.” Marlene answers softly, still not looking at Mary. “I didn’t read it.”
“You didn’t?” Mary says, this time more startled.
“There was a note from my father along with my mother’s letter. Only a few fucking words, didn’t care enough to say much but… well he told me I didn’t have to read it and… I don’t know, it felt like it this time.”
“And so you burned it…with Dorcas?” Mary tries.
“She is actually the one who proposed. Well, she didn’t really propose to be frank, she more, decided it, and I went along.”
“Wait for me to tell it to Sirius.” Mary grins.
“Don’t. Please don’t, Mary.”
Mary nods then shakes her head, “I won’t, sorry.”
And so she doesn’t insist much about Dorcas, but Marlene knows it is coming back. But not today, because today they are celebrating the end of the break in the boys’ dorm. Maybe ‘celebrating the end of the break’ isn’t the right term, it is more about ‘mourning the break’, yeah, sounds better.
When they enter the dorm, Lily is already seated on James’ bed since she joined the boys earlier to let Mary and Marlene talk. She waves at them and makes Mary climb on the bed with her.
“I’m not disturbing you, am I?” James asks raising an eyebrow.
“Well, now that you talk about it…” Mary grins.
“Oh fuck off!” He answers while Sirius laughs.
Marlene sits on the floor at the end of Sirius’ bed and he immediately starts to play with her hair, looking at her from above since he is laying in his bed.
“McKinnon.” He says, narrowing his eyes.
“What is there, Black?” Marlene answers.
“You and I have to talk.”
“Do we?”
“It is not a question.” He says, now standing. “Come on.” And he goes straight to the bathroom.
Marlene rolls her eyes and stand up, knowing that Sirius won’t let her avoid that, and it is better just together and sober than in front of everyone and pissed, right? She throws a look at Remus ( also laying on Sirius’ bed) and he gives her a sympathetic smile. When she enters the bathroom, she sees Sirius already seated on the edge of the bath. She closes the door and sits on the floor.
“So.” Sirius starts.
“So.” Marlene repeats.
“Dorcas is it?” He says, a mischievous look in his eyes.
Marlene opens her mouth then looks away. She knows what to say to make him forget the subject but she doesn’t really know if it is moral. Anyways, since when is she moral? “I burned my mother’s letter. Before I read it.”
“What?” Sirius says, bewildered.
“My father. He sent a note along with my mother’s letter. Oh, and money. I’m bloody secured for the next few months. He told me I don’t have to read the letter, it was fucking thick you know. And, I don’t know, not that I listen to my father, not that he has any influence on my life, he cannot really qualify as a father but-”
“You felt like he was right?” Sirius proposes.
Marlene shakes her head, “No. Not right. I don’t know maybe it had nothing to do with him, me not reading that letter.”
“Maybe something to do with someone else?” Sirius offers with a tiny smile.
Marlene presses her lips together and looks at him, “She made me listen to Mozart. Taught me a lot of things about him. He was bloody amazing.”
Sirius stares at her in awe for a few seconds then frowns, “I’ve been saying it since years! I aspire to live like him.”
“Didn’t he die at thirty five full of debts?”
“I said live, Marlene, not die.” Sirius corrects and Marlene smiles. His face softens when he says, “What happened between you two?”
“Mozart and I?” Marlene raises an eyebrow. “Unfortunately we never met but-”
“Oh shut it.” Sirius interrupts. “You know what I’m talking about.”
And so Marlene explains the deal once more, hopefully for the last time of the night.
“Bloody hell.” Sirius says once she is over.
“That’s a great way to end it.” Marlene nods.
“You’re so stupid, Marls!” He bursts suddenly and Marlene looks at him in confusion. “She definitely changed her mind!”
“Who are you to tell I did so?”
“Come on, I know you. You can try to fool anyone but you won’t fool me. I know what it is to be in love with someone you don’t want to.”
“I am not in love with her.” Marlene snaps.
“But you are going to tell me you don’t feel anything?” Sirius insists. When Marlene doesn’t answer, he offers her a soft smile, “Don’t you think I’m going to talk about it to anyone, –not that anybody doubts it but anyway– you keep secret whatever you want. Just not from me.” He grins and Marlene rolls her eyes.
“Why don’t we leave the bathroom and join our friends?” Marlene proposes, ignoring him.
Sirius shakes his head but eventually stands up and puts his arm around Marlene’s shoulder, “I am proud of you for the letter.” He says softly. “Just wanted you to know.”
And so they go back to their friends.
***
“Oh no.” Is all Remus says when Sirius jumps on the table of the Great Hall the next day’s night.
“What is he doing?” Lily asks, concerned. “Is he going to cause trouble? It’s going to fall on me if he does.”
“He is Sirius.” James grins. “Of course he is going to cause trouble.”
“You know what he is doing, right? Stop him James.”
“Oh no, you’ll like it I swear.”
As Sirius clears his throat and brings his wand to his neck, Remus bends over Marlene’s ear and murmurs, “We went to the theatre to see Hair the day after Christmas and he forced us to go back almost everyday until we came back.”
Marlene looks at him in confusion, not knowing what ‘Hair’ is but obviously supposing it is a play. Is Sirius going to act?
But when the first note rings and Sirius sings the first sentence, staring directly at McGonagall, Marlene knows she is going to enjoy it.
Sirius knows how to do a lot of things, the bastard is fucking skilled, but singing and dancing, well that’s something else, he was never taught those things, it’s just natural for him.
“I got life, mother” to Minnie, then. “I got laughs, sister” to Lily, and Marlene asks herself if he is going to address many people like that. “I got freedom, brother” there, he raises his eyebrows and points at Regulus who is across the room and who hides his face in his hands. “I got good times, man” while passing his hands through Peter and James’ hair.
“He is going to get detention.” Lily says but she is smiling.
“I got crazy ways, daughter” and that he sings to Marlene who smiles widely and shakes her head. “I got million-dollar charm, cousin” he winks to Mary who giggles. “I got headaches and toothaches and bad times too like you” on that he kneels in front of Remus who pushes his arms.
Then it kind of get out of hands. Or maybe it is suppose to go that way because James, Remus and Peter start to move their dinners out of the way and don’t seem the less in the world surprised when Sirius starts to cross the table, forcing everyone to move their plate. He dances and sings and the whole room laugh or dance along. McGonagall stood up but she is letting him do, visibly amused too, even if she barely shows it.
He sings for around two minutes and ends up on his knees at the opposite side of the table, right in front of the teachers’ table and when the music stops he gets a round of applause, which take its time to stop.
“I guess detention is not a surprise, Mr Black.” McGonagall says above the applauses but she is fighting a smile.
“It was worth it.” Sirius answers, out of breath and Marlene sees her almost nod.
When he comes back, he sits back dramatically on the bench and let himself fall on Remus’ lap.
“I’m glad I am not the one who had to give you detention.” Lily sighs.
“Would you have?” Sirius gasps, eyeing her.
“I would have.” She says raising an eyebrow, she is definitely taking her role of prefect seriously. Not that she puts them in detention as much as she should, but this time it was inevitable.
Sirius falls back on Remus’ thigh, a hand to his chest like he has been hit by a bullet.
“Why am I daughter?” Marlene asks.
“Oh at least you’re not the one who has bad times.” Remus says, apparently a little bit annoyed by the idea. “And plus, you’re American accent is ridiculous, Sirius.”
“Come on Moony, I know you liked it!” Sirius says and Remus slightly blushes.
In the end, Marlene never knows why she was daughter and Sirius tells them the entire plot of the musical while Peter states each time Sirius cried, which is a lot.
“It was emotional. You just don’t have any heart, Wormtail.” Sirius ends up saying.
***
Marlene avoids Dorcas for a whole month (or Dorcas avoids Marlene, she can’t tell), which is honestly impressive. She could think it is that simple but it never is, right? Eventually, their quidditch schedule practices have to be mixed, it always happens.
“You see, that’s why I always want to practice on morning.” James says to the Gryffindor quidditch team. “There’s no one!”
“You want to practice before the sun rises, James. That’s not morning.” Someone says and the other nod along.
James turns to Regulus, “Come on, love.”
If Marlene didn’t know better, she would say that Regulus is blushing, but does she really know better anyway?
“Fuck off, James. We have a match Sunday.”
“So do we!” James yelps.
“Yeah, that’s usually what happens when we have a Slytherin versus Gryffindor game.” Dorcas says. “A practice more or a practice less won’t prevent you from losing.” She adds.
“Who the fuck talked to you?” Marlene snaps despite herself. Well play for the ‘we do not bicker’ part of the deal, and for the other parts of the deal too actually.
Dorcas raises an eyebrow at her and starts to open her mouth but the Slytherin captain, a tall brown haired seven year boy stops her. “Why don’t we come to you when we are over?” He proposes to James.
“Why don’t we do the opposite?” James says, crossing his arms on his chest.
“You like to practice on morning, you won’t have anything against practicing at night, will you?” The other boy says with a grin.
“Actually, I had other plans.” James says smiling at Regulus who tries to hide his blush.
“Why don’t we practice together?” A third year Gryffindor proposes.
“Never in dreams.” Dorcas and Marlene snap at the same time. They glare at each other for a moment and are only interrupted by their two captains humming, showing that they are considering it. “You got to be kidding!” They say once more at the same time.
Marlene throws a look to Mary, seated on the benches. Oh, she would be thrilling is she was there.
“Let them this practice if they are so desperate for it.” Marlene says, turning heels to go back to the changing room.
“What’s wrong with you?” Dorcas snaps behind her and Marlene stops.
“No but since we are going to loose ever way, you know.” She says turning around.
“Oh come on!” Dorcas groans.
They glare at each other for a moment and no one seems to feel like stoping them.
“Okay, no, not here, not anymore.” Marlene says turning around once more and this time really going to the changing room. When she gets there, she hears the door opening again behind her and turns around to see who it is, only to find Dorcas. “What do you fucking want?” She snaps.
“Weren’t we suppose to ignore each other?” Dorcas asks, jaw clenched.
“We are.”
“That is how you ignore people?”
“Why did you follow me? That is not how we ignore people.” Marlene notes.
“What is your problem McKinnon?”
“You, that’s one of them. If you want to talk about the psychological ones we are going to need a bit more than a few minutes, and to sit.” Marlene says.
“Not really surprise about that one.”
“Fuck off, Meadowes. Leave me the hell alone.” Marlene says turning her back to Dorcas.
“You do that first!” Dorcas shouts.
“Do you realise how stupid we sound? This conversation has no fucking sense!” Marlene shouts back, facing Dorcas again.
And in seconds, Dorcas closes the gap between them and takes Marlene’s face in her hands to kiss her. Marlene melts at the touch without meaning to. Yeah, her body remembers that, her body likes that. She deepens the kiss and for a few seconds (an eternity) she is not able to think.
When this ability eventually comes back, she violently pushes Dorcas away, “Fuck off! Fuck you! I’m not doing that again, I’m not fucking doing that! That’s a joke to you? Am I a fucking joke?” She shouts. “I’m not playing that game! I’m not!” But her body is moving closer and closer to Dorcas again until she is touching her, and then kissing her like her life depends on it, and maybe it does. She pushes her away once more, “That’s not how things work, Dorcas! I have feelings fucking hell, I do! You may think I don’t but I fucking do! I am human too!”
“Are you?” Dorcas asks, out of breath and raising an eyebrow.
And here they are, kissing again. It’s like if neither of them can control it, like their minds are put aside to let their body act. And, oh, their body do act. In seconds they are all over each other and Dorcas is kissing Marlene’s throat.
“We only got one life, Marlene.” She murmurs between kisses. “Let’s just fucking live it.” And it sounds so surreal, so out of character but at the same time like it is exactly her, exactly who she always was.
In a way or the other, Dorcas finds her way to the mole on Marlene’s thigh and she kisses it. And then she kisses every single mole she can reach and every single tattoo she sees. And Marlene, oh Marlene is in a such state of awe that she cannot really understand what is happening. She only knows that she enjoys it, and she doesn’t want it to stop, and may burn in hell her hatred for Dorcas.
In the end, they find themselves seated on the floor of the shower, barely dressed and Marlene asks herself how no one came in. They don’t look at each other, they barely breath too loud. Like if the magic (oh but it was magic) of what just happened will fade away.
But this magic has to fade away, it is just how things go. And it does for sure fade away when Marlene opens her mouth to say, “It was a mistake.”
And even though it sounds like her throat is knotted, Dorcas answers, “Yes. It was.”
So they get dressed and leave the changing room, never looking at each other.