Well past midnight
“Told you I am straight.” Dorcas says later that night, sitting next to Marlene.
Marlene stares at her with wide eyes. What the fuck?
“You can think whatever you want, there is nothing going on between you and me.” Dorcas continues. “I lost myself a few times, that’s all. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not queer and I am not attracted to you.”
“Okay.” Marlene says softly.
“And I won’t ever kiss you again. I like boys, men. I like that boy. He’s really a nice guy.”
Marlene doesn’t answer. What is there to answer? She wishes she could sink in the sofa’s pillow to avoid this conversation. She wishes she hadn’t come at all.
“You can think whatever you want, our friends can think whatever they want. We are not a thing.” Dorcas continues, stopping on each words as she says the last sentence.
“Yeah? And what makes you think I think we are a thing?” Marlene asks, venom in her words. “I have zero interest in you Dorcas Meadowes. You kissed me if I recall well. What do I care if you like boys, men or if you kiss any nice guy? I don’t give a damn about your life Dorcas Meadowes. I don’t care about who you kiss, I don’t care about who you love or don’t love, I don’t care about what we are or not are. I don’t give a shit. You are the one stepping in my life over and over again. Just leave me alone!”
With that, she stands up and walks away, tears in her eyes. Bloody weed and bloody Dorcas Meadowes. She doesn’t want to cry. She doesn’t even know why she is crying. The first person she sees is Peter and surprisingly she goes to him. He looks at her with wide eyes and so does the girl who is probably Sara.
“Marlene?” He asks, concerned.
Marlene turns to the probably-Sara girl, “Can I hug your boyfriend? Swear I’m a lesbian who just needs a hug.”
Peter doesn’t wait for Sara to answer and he is on his feet, taking Marlene in his arms. She is glad they are far away enough from the place she was at earlier with Dorcas and that she hopefully doesn’t see her like that.
Peter’s hugs are comforting because he has strong arms and you feel like he wouldn’t let you down and right now he also smells like chocolate. He is slightly taller than Marlene but since she is wearing heels, Peter is shorter than her and puts his head in the hollow of her shoulder.
“Are you alright?” He asks, awkwardly.
“Yeah. Yeah.” Marlene says pulling off and wiping the tears away. “Alright. Sorry. Put that on weed.”
“Yeah.” Peter says with a small smile.
“I, hum, thank you Pete.”
“My pleasure.” Her responds.
With that, Marlene gives him and Sara a smile and walks off.
She doesn’t know why she cried. She had no reason to cry. Yeah, weed and all but that’s still weird. The thing is not Dorcas saying what she said, it is not the thing she said it’s just, a whole. Dorcas is doing everything to confuse Marlene. She’s the one who came to Marlene after the party a month ago. She’s the one who came back to her after the closet affair. She’s the one who kissed her the last time they talked. She’s the one who followed her to the toilet and she’s the one who came again hours later to tell her once more that she is straight.
She is the problem. Not Marlene. She doesn’t know why it just hits her. Dorcas is obsessed with her that’s all. And she doesn’t want to acknowledge that! Marlene gets denial, she’s been there, but she didn’t put it on anyone else. That makes her so, so angry at Dorcas and she feels hatred towards her like she never felt before. From far away, she sees Dorcas and Pandora chatting. And that makes her even more angry. Because Pandora is adorable and Dorcas, Dorcas is nothing like her. She is mean. She is infuriating and she wants to hurt people and to mock them.
Marlene walks to Pandora and Dorcas.
“Marlene?” Pandora asks carefully.
Marlene feels the anger emanating from her and she doesn’t doubt Pandora feels it too. She is glaring at Dorcas and she doesn’t even throw a look at Pandora.
“Fuck you Dorcas Meadowes!” She says, loudly enough for some people around them to stop talking.
Dorcas looks around, something like panic on her face. Oh so you’re scared? Marlene thinks.
“What is there?” Dorcas asks.
“What is there? What is there?” Marlene repeats and suddenly she doesn’t really know why she came, but she won’t let Dorcas see her confusion. “You. It’s you! You are trying to gaslight me into thinking I want you so bad but it is you actually! You are the one obsessed with me!”
She’s shouting now and she sees the panic beginning bigger and bigger on Dorcas’ face. Suddenly, Dorcas grabs her and puts her hand on Marlene’s mouth. Marlene tries to bite her but Dorcas is taking her away from the party. She makes them enter a closet and when she closes the door, Marlene starts to fight for dear life but Dorcas holds her.
“Let me fucking go!” She shouts.
“Shut the hell down!”
“I swear to Merlin, Meadowes, if you don’t let me go I’ll cut every single of your fingers!”
Dorcas stays silent a moment then lets go of Marlene.
“You’re mental.” She says.
Marlene goes straight to the door but Dorcas blocks her.
“I’m not kidding with you. I’m not staying here. Open the door.”
“Would you listen to me?” Dorcas asks.
“Open the door.”
“Marlene-”
“Open the fucking door Dorcas!” Marlene shouts.
Dorcas closes her mouth and looks at Marlene with wide eyes.
“Would you listen to me if I do?” She asks gently.
“I’ll fucking listen to you or whatever. Let me the hell out. Let me out!”
Dorcas opens the door and Marlene runs outside. She lets herself slide along the wall next to the door and closes her eyes. It’s alright. Everything’s alright.
“Marlene-”
“Shut the fuck up.” Marlene says between her teeth. “Fuck you. Fuck you!”
“You came to me!”
“You locked me in a fucking closet!” Marlene says standing up, not even trying to hide the tears which are running down her cheeks. “In a closet!”
“Marlene-”
“No, no, no! You saw me last time! You saw me last time!”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Would you listen?”
“You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met, Dorcas Meadowes. Do you know that? I’ve never met anyone so selfish. What’s wrong with you? What’s fucking wrong with you?”
Dorcas doesn’t answer and Marlene continues to cry, she slides along the wall once more, repeating ‘what’s wrong with you?’ until it is unintelligible. She continues to cry as Dorcas sits silently next to her.
“I’m sorry.” She says.
“Shut up.” Marlene repeats. “Stop it.”
She turns to look at Dorcas and she cannot recognise the expression in her eyes. She cannot put a word on it but she feels like a part of her is feeling that too, whatever it is.
“Every time we ever interacted since the last party was because you came to me. You talked to me after the party, you came to check on me, you kissed me, you came to check on me again today and then you just join me to tell me once more you’re not queer? You’re trying so hard, so, so hard to get my attention. You’re obnoxious Dorcas Meadowes. That’s what you are. I don’t know what you’re trying to do but that’s obnoxious.”
Dorcas doesn’t answer and Marlene wipes her tears. She just knows her makeup is ruined now. Why does she cares anyways? This party was shit.
“I don’t know.” Dorcas says after a long silence. “I don’t know why I’m doing that, it’s just. Bloody hell McKinnon, it’s you.”
“Me?” Marlene asks, on edges.
“You’re, well, you kissed me and I couldn’t get you out of my head and you just make me so fucking mad. Why would you kiss me?”
“I don’t know! I don’t remember!”
“That!” Dorcas yelps. “That too is so, so infuriating! How is that that you don’t remember and I’ve been thinking only of that? I don’t like girls! Why would you do that? I can’t stop thinking about these kisses and you, you, you forgot! You fucking forgot one of the most confusing moment of my life!”
They fall silent, staring at each other. There are tears in Dorcas’ eyes too but she is not crying.
“I didn’t mean to.” Marlene says, looking away.
“Yeah, no shit.” Dorcas snaps.
“What do you want me to say? I don’t fucking remember, what do you want me to say? It’s not my fucking fault! You are punishing me for something I have no control over? What was your goal? Making me fall in love to break my heart? I’m not the ‘fall in love’ kind so just let it go!”
Marlene have never been in love. Never once in her life. She had crushes. She had girlfriends. She never fell in love. Not that she didn’t want to, she just… couldn’t. The greatest women would want her and she won’t be able to fall in love. And she hates that because she wants to be in love so bad. She sees all of her friends and she only dreams of what they have. She dreams to look at someone the way they do. To talk about someone the way they do. To fucking love. But she is not the ‘fall in love’ kind and maybe she’ll never be, and maybe she just needs to find ‘the one’. That’s all.
“And what you are trying to do with Pandora? What about that?” Dorcas asks after a time.
“What about that?” Marlene repeats.
“You’re going to tell me it has nothing to do with me?”
“My world doesn’t evolve around you!” Marlene shouts. “Pandora is a fantastic girl, I really appreciate her.”
“But you’re not she ‘fall in love’ kind.” Dorcas answers softly. “And she is.”
“Is she even queer?” Marlene asks.
Dorcas shrugs her shoulders, “Don’t know.”
Marlene doesn’t know how the conversation became so gentle but she kind of appreciate it.
“I don’t want to hurt her.” Marlene confesses.
“Don’t then. It’s up to you.”
Marlene turns to Dorcas and, truly, that woman is beautiful. There is something divine about her, she had been shaped by the gods. Marlene loses herself in the contemplation of Dorcas’ face. Her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her perfect skin.
“What if I kissed you right now?” She asks despite herself, almost inaudibly.
“What?” Dorcas asks back.
“What if I kissed you?”
“Don’t.”
“I won’t. But how would you react?”
Dorcas looks at her, in awe. Marlene stares back. She has no idea what Dorcas is going to respond. Maybe nothing.
“I should go to bed.” Dorcas says, standing up. “It’s almost five.”
Marlene stands up too, “Why did I cried last time?”
“What?” Dorcas asks, turning to her.
“Remus said that I came back crying. I was with you before, right? The last party. Why was I crying?”
Dorcas looks at Marlene in silence for a long moment and Marlene just waits for an answer.
“Good night Marlene.” She says. And then she’s gone.
***
When Marlene crawls into Mary’s bed, she notices that Lily is already there.
“Hello mummies.” She says.
“Hello.” Mary grumbles.
“Enjoyed the party?” Lily asks, half asleep.
“T’was shit.” Marlene answers, laying between her two friends.
“What happened?” Mary asks.
Marlene shrugs her shoulders and doesn’t answer. She decided not to talk about anything which has a link to Dorcas to her friends. Because the little impact Dorcas had on her life is now gone. She won’t let her interfere in her life anymore, in anyways.
“Good’night.” She mumbles and she falls asleep.