Reflection
Regulus
I reached the top of the astronomy tower in a rather short amount of time. Dancing with Barty had helped but my mind was still full of a thousand and one things. The time I’d spent with Sirius had seemed to do him some amount of good as Remus had expected but something was still off, my brother didn’t feel quite right. Remus didn’t seem to have picked up on it but there was definitely something else bothering him. Remus could read Sirius but he and I had something special, something Remus would likely never have, we could sense each other's mental state, even if we didn’t know exact thoughts. Something had fractured in Sirius’ mind that day and it hadn’t healed right.
I turned my gaze to the sky. I first spotted Siri’s star, I smiled at it as it shone down upon me, I could feel his arms wrapping around me, protective after particularly bad days at Grimmauld place. I felt his hand against my cheek soft and gentle as he rubbed trying to relax my body into sleep. He’d always been my protector but it seemed I now needed to be his. “How do I do it?” I whispered to the empty sky. “How am I supposed to protect you?” My eyes were locked onto the star as it hung in the sky refusing to respond with even so much as a twinkle. Water started to pool and I blinked it away “How did you do it, you were so strong, even when they made you so weak you could barely stand… you still managed to protect me.” I sighed softly as I leaned against the railing, resting my head on my arms. “I’m not cut out for this Siri, I'm not a protector, I don’t know how to be…”
I stared off across the lake, the moon reflecting in the water was so beautiful, a bright spot in a mass of dark water, I silently wished I could find the light in my darkness but it was tough, it used to be Sirius but his light was growing dimmer, I needed more, if I was going to save him I needed another light, a brighter light but what light could ever match the brightest star…
I watched the ripples of the lake for a few moments more before returning my gaze to the sky. I knew exactly where to look to find my own star, I stared up at it for a long while as it twinkled, taunting me, a reminder of the expectations placed on me at birth. Even now, having spent nearly the whole summer free from their grasp, my parents’ expectations weighed me down like invisible chains. They lingered in the sound of my name, in the star I gazed at nearly nightly, and sometimes, very rarely, I felt them lingering in my brother’s presence. He didn’t expect the things our parents had but, the fact remained he was a reminder of them.
“I will not become what you want me to…” I spoke to the star as if it was the reason for the pressures I’d faced. “I will not abandon Sirius, Even if I don’t know how I will be the protector for him that he was for me all those years. I turned my back on you the moment you turned your backs on him. Dromeda was right to get out, this family is awful.” The words fell on the deaf ears of the star but, somehow, they still comforted me as though I’d really told my parents off.
I pried my eyes from the sky and slowly headed back into the castle. I walked the familiar path and let my mind wander. So many thoughts were running through my head, fear of not being able to protect my brother manifesting in many of them. I didn’t even have an idea of what could be causing his state of mind, ‘how am I supposed to protect him from something I don’t know…’ Remus would know exactly what to do but I didn’t want to worry him, he seemed to believe Sirius was doing better having seen me and I didn’t want to stress him out again.
I replayed that day in my head over and over again trying to identify something, anything that could explain my brother’s state. I had heard my father casting Crucio but that was nothing new, that wouldn’t have phased Sirius at all, it was usually him on the receiving end after all. It had to be bigger than that, it wasn’t mother either as she had hardly said anything that day let alone cast a spell. The only abnormality I could find was the scream, not the scream itself but it's content or rather, lack thereof. The scream I’d heard from mother that day had consisted of no discernable words. I resolved to ask sirius about it another day, maybe he could shed some light on what she’d been so put off by and things would line up.
Before I knew it I’d reached the common room, I made my way to my dorm and gazed at the photos tacked to the wall at the head of my bed. Some from when we were young, a time gap with none at all and then pictures from the last few years, all of which were set here, at school. My brother showed in both eras though much less often the later in life you looked. Here, at school, there were many more photos of friends than of brothers, Barty Evan and I in one, just Barty and Evan in another, Marls, Pandora, Lily, Dorcas. By far my favourite however was the photo of the ‘Study crew’ from the previous year, Lily Remus and I with our books open on the table, Sirius asleep behind us with Potter attempting to stack as many books on his chest as he could without waking him or having them fall, Pandora and Evan quizzing one another to one side and Barty’s Hand to the other from behind the camera. It represented the last time things had been normal. I pried my eyes from the wall and quickly got ready before sinking into my bed, my mind still racing.