Director Fury
Chapter eight
Tony woke up later and immediately noticed the presence of another person in the room. When he looked up, and was relieved to see it was Bruce.
Bruce, who always stayed with him.
Tony felt his heart warm at the thought.
“Wow, you stayed with me through the night. The team really is going to think there's something else going on here,” Tony joked, sitting up and stretching out his sore limbs.
“Tony, I know that you might not want to, but we should talk,” Bruce replied carefully. He didn't want to scare the engineer into putting his walls back up so soon.
“Later Brucie. Please.” Tony looked at his friend pleadingly, and Bruce gave in.
“Fine, but we will talk.”
“I know.”
The two sat in a comfortable silence for a bit, until eventually, Tony spoke, complaining about how hungry he was.
Bruce laughed. “Let's go upstairs and get some food, the others will be glad to see you.”
Tony nodded and got off the couch. He walked towards the door without even looking back to see if Bruce was following him.
Tony trusted that he was.
When they got to the elevator, Tony only hesitated for a second to press the button that would take them to the communal floor.
“Maybe they aren't all there,” Tony thought.
Much to his disappointment, the Avengers were all sitting in the living room, watching a movie.
He tried to silently walk behind the couch, but the widow noticed his presence and immediately jumped up from the couch, he instincts taking over as she took a battle stance. She relaxed slowly as she saw it was just Bruce and Tony.
As composed as always, Natasha looked at Tony with a calculating gaze. “What have you been doing?” She asked coldly, carefully letting none of her concern creep into her voice. She refused to show weakness right now. The spy couldn't help it, it was her natural defense. She was accustomed to someone using anything she cared about against her.
“Drinking mostly,” Tony replied confidently. He too kept his true feelings from his voice. In the back of his head, he heard some of the lyrics from Frozen’s ‘let it go.’
“Conceal, don't feel. Don't let them know…”
“What happened to your hand?” Steve asked, alarmed when he saw bandages wrapped around Tony’s knuckles and palms.
“I punched a mirror,” Tony responded.
Clint looked at Tony like he was a child who had gotten into a fight at school over.something stupid: Angry, but concerned.“Why the hell did you do that?”
“I had a minor freak out,” Tony said, trying to stay as vague as possible.
Bruce sighed. “Tony,” he said tiredly.
Tony felt bad for putting that tone into Bruce's voice. Letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, Tony made a decision.
“Fine. I'll talk.”
Everyone looked at Tony expectantly. Sitting down, the billionaire told them everything they had to know about his three days locked in the workshop.
“Well, the first two days were spent incredibly drunk. I honestly have no recollection of the first one after about an hour down there at all. The second day I built a toaster. You can meet him another day.” Tony gave himself a moment to breathe. “Yesterday was terrible. I woke up sick. Then all of you came down, and you were all so damn concerned, and it was killing me to know I was hurting you in anyway.” When the others tried to protest, Tony help up a hand. “We all know that I was, don't deny it.” Everyone but Natasha looked pained. Natasha looked like she was trying to solve Tony as if he were an exceptionally hard jigsaw that she had been tasked with finishing.
Tony hated that look.
“Anyway,” Tony continued, ignoring the butterflies that were fluttering freely in his stomach. “Bruce came in and saw me at rock bottom. That felt terrible, but there was nothing I could do about it.” Tony sent on and explained to the team everything he had to Bruce, even the part about his father.
This time, it almost seemed easier. Tony recalled the next line of the song.
“Well now they know!”
It felt like a weight was pulled off his chest when he finished.
The team all looked heartbroken at the news. It was silent, everyone was dealing with their thoughts, gathering themselves.
Steve was shocked. It was awful to know that the man he had thought he knew so well had been so cruel to his only son. He could only think about the Howard Stark that he knew, and couldn't see a connection. Steve couldn’t shake the guilt that he hadn't known.
Clint was speechless, thinking of his own past. He remembered everything that he personally went through, and empathized with how Tony must’ve felt for all of those years. He was the first one to recover still. He waited before he said anything.
All Natasha could think about was Howard’s death. She felt bad about it only because she hadn’t gotten to the man. There was red clouding her vision, and she knew she had to calm down but couldn’t right away. The agent was fiercely protective, a side of herself she rarely allowed to be shown. She carefully didn’t let any of her anger and pain show in her face.
Bruce just sat carefully and let the story wash over him a second time.
“I wish I could kill him,” Clint said.
Tony let out a quick laugh bubble out, surprising even himself. “Too late, he’s already dead,” he said.
“That’s why I said I wish instead of I will.” Even though his voice was angry, his face was soon covered in a wide grin at the sight of his friend’s smile. A real one had been rare lately.
“How didn’t I notice?” Steve asked.
“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t something that was incredibly obvious,” Tony reassured him.
Natasha simply looked Tony in the eye, her gaze communicating so much without saying anything aloud. There was understanding mixed with a need to talk about it, without feeling like she could. Tony responded with an almost imperceptible nod in her direction. A flash of gratitude sparkled in her eyes.
“Can we do something normal now,” Tony asked. “Like, I don’t know, a movie?”
“I don’t think you recommending a team movie is exactly ‘normal,’” Steve said jokingly, trying to follow Tony’s lead in brightening the mood.
“Well, let’s do it anyway,” Tony responded.
Everyone agreed, glad that Tony planned on staying upstairs for a while. While Clint stood in front of the case that held Tony’s extensive movie collection, Natasha dragged Tony over to the kitchen to help her with snacks. He knew there was an ulterior motive as soon as she had him pinned in a corner so he couldn’t run.
“So what, are we all supposed to pretend that nothing ever happened, that you’ve just taken a nap and come back all better? I’m not as easily swayed as the others Stark,” she said, anger lacing her words.
“I know that I’m not better Natasha, I’m not a complete idiot,” Tony said weakly. “But for the first time in a while I feel a bit more normal, and I just want to do something easy.”
“You just confessed to your secret childhood trauma! You are covered in bandages because you punched a mirror, you had a breakdown on live TV. You might feel better now, but it will all come back to haunt you later, and we both know it. Why are you pretending it’s all okay, when we both know it’s not?” There was pain, anger, frustration, and fear all making appearances in her voice. The widow wasn’t used to there being a threat to a friend’s safety that she couldn’t crush with pure force. Her training, for the first time, was useless.
Tony winced when he realized this. “You can’t manipulate me to feel better, Tasha. I need time,” he tried to reassure her, but a fierce anger produced by an uncertainty she wasn’t used to caused her to reject the comfort.
“But there’s nothing else I can do!” The spy yelled. By this time the team had crept into the room to see what the fight was about. “I’m completely useless to you in this situation. I’m not comforting, I’m not used to going around feelings for the sake of sanity. We-” her voice calmed, she seemed to be reigning herself in painfully. “We have to do something! You’re hurt, and there’s nothing I can do.”
Tony hugged her. She was tense at first, but slowly calmed down, and sank into the embrace gratefully. “I’m supposed to be the one comforting you,” she said softly.
“Honestly, it’s a little helpful to know it’s been hard on everyone, even if it’s only hard because of me,” Tony muttered.
Natasha pulled away, looking Tony in the eye, voice sincere. “It’s not because of you. It’s my own feeling of uselessness, which I’m not used to. This was bound to happen eventually.”
Tony nodded, for once allowing himself to believe that it wasn’t completely his fault that a teammate was in pain. “Let’s get snacks before they start to expect there’s a secret love affair, okay?”
“Yeah,” Natasha said, letting a small laugh escape her. Suddenly, Natasha turned and moved out of Tony’s view, where they both saw Steve, Bruce, and Clint all looking at the other two in shock.
After a furious glare from both Natasha and Tony, the three men left the room. The spy and the billionaire laughed as they gathered enough popcorn to feed twenty people, and a drink for everyone. As they walked towards the living room, they reenacted the fear on the faces of their teammates faces as they fled the kitchen.
Bruce shot them a glance when they sat down next to each other on the couch, looking like he wanted to say something, but deciding against it.
Tony liked that Bruce understood boundaries.
Steve, however, did not. “Natasha-” he began, but stopped when Tony looked at him with a glare conveying everything he couldn’t say in words. Steve clamped his mouth shut, and then the movie began. Much to Tony’s delight, they left the lights on.
Tony smiled, content.
+++
1 week later
Tony knew it was only a matter of time before his good streak was broken.
He had been calmed down a little bit lately. Sure, he still slept with his lights on, and he was still sore from the mirror thing, but he really thought he was doing fine.
Until one day, he finally decided to check out the news.
“JARVIS, pull up the most recent stories for keywords “Stark,”” he said, determined to not let his fears stop him.
“Are you sure that's wise sir?” the disembodied voice of his AI asked.
“No,” Tony responded.
There was a short second that Tony guessed was his AI hesitating, before suddenly, hologram after hologram appeared before him.
“Tony Stark: The Daring Dead That Ruined His Life”
“Stark Finally Breaks Down”
“The Man Behind The Mask, A Tony Stark Story”
“Does Stark Have PTSD?”
“The Full Story Behind the New York Attack and Tony Stark”
The last article intrigued Tony, and he instructed JARVIS to open it. It took a moment longer than it should’ve, but, almost reluctantly, his AI opened the article.
Immediately, he saw a picture of none other than Director Fury talking to a reporter. His stomach turned as he scrolled past the introduction, getting straight to the part where Fury spoke.
Tony frowned when he saw that they were calling him an FBI agent.
The interviewer asked a question, immediately venturing into an area that Tony would rather leave forgotten. “So, we understand that you know exactly what happened to Stark?”
“Yes. He had a little explosion the other day, and it’s true, the man almost died. To put it simply, what Mr. Stark did was really medically impossible, and he really shouldn’t still here. He suffocated and froze to death while in the portal, and both of those traumas should’ve killed him.”
“Fascinating. Our sources say that the missile was from the government, can you confirm that?” The interviewer asked the question. Tony earnestly read on.
“We believe it was from a terrorist group that was only striking because of the weakness shown in New York at the moment. We shouldn’t worry about them anymore.” Tony was angry at the lie. It was S.H.I.E.L.D who fired the missile, who endangered the city even more so than it already was.
As he read, he saw the interviewer recount what Tony said. His stomach lurched reading it again. Before he could continue, he had to grab a stool and sit down.
“Based on his statement, what do you think Stark’s mental health is like right now?”
“Well, I don’t see how it could be good. Tony Stark is a mess on the best of days, and based on that, we can see that he must be doing horrible right now. The man’s been gone for a week and a half. He is completely unreliable.”
The quote kept going, but Tony had JARVIS close the article. He couldn’t breath. Fury was right, as much as he hated to admit it. Ever since the battle, he’d been a complete mess, and incredibly unreliable. He was hit again thinking about the portal.
He grabbed the bottle of liquor that he had resisted for a week and walked up to his roof.
+++
Tony knew that he couldn’t get better, but it still hurt to finally experience the true helplessness of it.
He couldn’t be trusted to do anything anymore. He had finally broken.
Tony took another long drink from the bottle.
He had come up here to cry, but the tears just wouldn’t come. Actually, with every revelation, he took another sip of his drink, each sip taking away some more pain. Eventually, he felt nothing except a sharp longing.
It filled him to the brim, telling his brain that wanted was rational, smart even.
Another long sip from the bottle. One step forward, toward the edge of the roof.
The only good thing he could remember about his time in space was the weightlessness of falling.
Maybe if there was oxygen even slightly warmer air, it would be pleasant.
Like flying.
Rationally, he knew he could fly using his suit, but it wouldn’t be the same. In the Iron Man suit, he had to concentrate, and calculate his every move. It was almost always a fight. Tony was so tired of fighting. If he did it this way, it would be effortless.
He took another sip, and another step. Stumbling, he thought of his team. He remembered Steve’s mother hen concern, and Bruce’s small smiles when he was proud of Tony’s progress.
He was sad to leave that.
Next he thought about Clint’s pain, much like his own but much better handled. Tony knew he was weak compared to the archer, but found it hard to think of not being there for his friend.
A long sip as doubt started to creep in. He hesitantly walked two steps. He saw the edge, his end in sight.
Natasha. Cold, calculating Natasha who never let him down. She had finally showed weakness in front of him, and he was selfishly shoving it back in her face.
He hadn’t even said goodbye to Thor.
He finally let a single tear slip.
His step faltered, and he was suddenly chugging the last of the bottle’s contents. He was only five steps away from flying.
Suddenly, there was a loud, shaking voice behind him.
“Tony? Oh- oh my god! Tony come here, just step away from the edge.”
It was Natasha. He was suddenly overcome with a fit of laughter. Of course she would find him right when he was about to break.
He was suddenly only four steps away.
“Tony! You’re drunk, you’re going to fall!” The spy called, her voice rising as panic filled her.
“That’s the point.” Tony said. His voice was steady, if a little slurred.
Three steps away.
“You’ll die!” She screamed, her voice breaking.
Tony refused to look back and see her expression, the expression that was there because of him. He suddenly remembered a quote, but couldn’t remember where it was from. “It’s not the fall that kills you,” he paraphrased aloud. “It’s the landing!” He giggled a little.
Two steps away.
“Tony. Just stop. Stop and think for a moment.”
“I can’t think. If I think I won’t go through with it. And, Natasha, I have to.” He turned around to see her face. There was tears streaming down her face. The wind Tony hadn’t even noticed was whipping her hair across her face, coloring her cheeks and nose. He felt terrible for doing that to her. He took a step backwards.
One step away.
“You don’t Tony. Listen to me. I need you to walk back to me right now, and we can talk,” she pleaded.
“I’ll talk here.” Tony took a deep breath, and when the chill air filled his lungs, he was once again reminded of his problems. “I- I don’t know what else to do! I can’t really do anything anymore, and I hate being unreliable like this and… And I just want to fly again Tasha. I don’t belong here anyway. I’m supposed to be dead. I shouldn’t be here!” Tony’s voice rose, but he stayed planted in the same place as before.
“Tony, no, you belong here with me, with your team. Please, walk towards me. You don’t need to do this.”
Tony took a tentative step forward, only so he could make a point.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”
“Yes you can. You said you can’t be relied on anymore, but you can be, okay? I need you to walk forward, just like you did before.”
Tony took another shaky step. He wanted to cry, wanted to let go of his emotions and break down again, but it’s like there wasn’t any emotion to let go of. As he walked towards his friend, he went numb.
When he reached, he dropped the bottle still in his hand and looked at the ground. Natasha was whispering encouragements and thanks to him, but the words just went around him. When his legs gave out, he noticed the redness of his fingers.
He must be cold.
He slipped onto the ground, not having the will to work any longer.
He was so close.
Tony finally realized what he had almost done. “I’m sorry,” he said over and over. Natasha just kneeled next to him and wrapped her arms around him. She sat down and pulled Tony onto her lap. His head rested on her lap, and his legs curled up to his chest, where he wrapped his arms around them. She held the hurt man closely and just let him lay there, his voice quietly saying apology after apology.
Natasha knew that right now he was numb, but later the reality of what he did would crush him.
It was painful to know that her friend would have to go through that.
Shifting, she grabbed her phone and quickly sent a message to Clint.
“On the roof. Grab Steve and Bruce and get up her now”
When she saw the message was read, she closed her phone and began stroking Tony’s hair affectionately. She didn’t know how the others would react, but hoped they would understand what Tony was going through.
When the team finally came upstairs, it only took about two seconds of them observing the scene on the roof for them to piece together what happened.
Bruce stumbled and fell forward when he figured it out. He crawled tearfully towards Tony.
“Is he okay?” He said, pushing the empty bottle out of his way. “He’s not doing anything!”
Indeed, Tony had stopped talking, and now he had his eyes staring unseeingly into the sky.
“He’s alive. I think he’s shocked at what he had almost done. Also, the alcohol can’t be doing wonders for his self awareness and sense.” Natasha said, wiping away the stray tears that hadn’t been dried by the wind.
Bruce crawled forward and grabbed Tony’s hand, squeezing it. To Natasha’s surprise, there wasn’t even a hint of green tinting his skin.
Steve walked forward with a sense of purpose, the surprise on his face the only thing showing he wasn’t on an official mission. When he got to Tony, he stood back, just watching his friend. Natasha got the sense that he wasn’t allowing himself to get close to Tony, in case his emotions took over and he hurt his friend.
Clint spent a while just staring at the edge of the building.
“We need to get him inside,” he said, not looking towards the group. Natasha nodded and decided that she would talk to Clint once they got Tony safe inside.
Steve, finally allowing himself to touch Tony, lifted the smaller man bridal style. Tony’s only movement was when he closed his eyes. Steve whimpered almost silently, and carried Tony inside as if he thought the man would crumble away to ash if he held him tight enough.
Natasha helped Bruce up and supported his weight as they too went in.
Clint followed behind, thinking.
+++
Soon, Tony was laid down in bed.
After a while, they saw his breathing slow. He was finally asleep.
+++
Natasha went into Clint’s room without even bothering to knock on the door. She sat down on the end of his bed, and placed a hand on his arm.
“Do you want to talk?” She asked.
Clint nodded slowly, and brought his eyes up to look at Natasha’s.
“Okay,” she said, squeezing Clint’s arm comfortingly. “Let’s talk.”