Draumr

Tony stirred, eyes fluttering under his heavy eyelashes. He struggled against the weight of sleep still tying him down. A loud groan escaped him as he rolled over, hand reaching over the bed to wrap around the warm body he knew would be there. Or should have. His eyes finally opened, staring at the empty spot on the bed next to him, where the duvet had been pulled aside. The mattress was still warm under the palm of his hand.

He opened his mouth, ready to ask JARVIS where his girlfriend was when the door to his room flew open and Pepper jumped in on one foot while trying desperately to get a sock on the other. Her red hair was set up in a messy, incomplete bun. Rouge stands of hair was sticking out to all sides, much like those weird troll-things children got at the dentist. She was wearing only black underwear and a white, almost see-through shirt. Her face was flush enough to match the colour of her hair. Tony raised an eyebrow at her, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to do.

“I’m late!” She practically yelled, finally finishing with the sock.

“Late?” Tony echoed dumbly.

“For the meeting with Mr. Hinch!” Ah… the disgusting old man who had hit on her more than once despite being over sixty years old. Tony groaned, rubbing his hands over his face to clear his vision. God, he still wanted to sleep. Meanwhile, Pepper was running back and forth picking up her clothes from yesterday. Ugh… he could feel his thoughts turn sour at the mere thought of yesterday. He felt his chest clench at the memories of… everything, but shook his head quickly. No, no he would not start the day off like that. Not after he and Pepper had gotten oh-so busy the night before. Besides, she was stressed out enough as it was. No need to add emo-Tony into that mix. He had no interest in getting yelled at.

“Well then” Tony mumbled, forcing his legs to take him out of bed and into the bathroom connected to his room. On his way he passed DUM-E, who was helpfully trying to pick up Pepper’s skirt. Tony threw him a quick “hope you haven’t been here all night” as he passed.

Inside the bathroom, he met himself in the mirror. His hair was ruffled, much like Pepper’s, but messier and sweat-drenched. A row of hickeys painted his neck, shoulder and collarbone, again, much like those marking Pepper’s skin. The sight brought a smile to his lips as he mumbled to himself: “Pepper, you kinky girl”

His eyes trailed down to his bandaged wrists, lingering on the red spots soaking through. Damn… With shaking fingers, he slowly removed one of the bandages around his arm. Tony’s heart came to a stuttering halt when he saw his wrist. The once fresh burn was now healed down to white scar tissue, barely visible unless the light hit it right. Curious, he traced the scar with his fingers. The bumpy skin felt alien under his touch, and he got the strangest feeling that he wasn’t supposed to have these scars…

There was a sharp knock on the door. “Tony, whenever you’re done in there”

Right. He’d almost forgotten Pepper was still here. Quickly, he pulled off the other bandage, throwing them both in the trashcan next to the toilet. Using the sink, he wiped off the traces of blood still on his wrists and hands before opening the door. Pepper jumped inside the bathroom, rushing to the sink. She was mostly dressed now, though her skirt was a bit off and very wrinkly from the harsh treatment he’d given it yesterday when the zipper had gotten stuck.

She began applying her makeup, or rather covering up the mess he’d made of yesterday’s makeup. For a while, Tony simply watched her artistic hands work while his thoughts trailed back to last night. He still felt it better to push her away, to keep her safe until he knew better what was going on in life, but a different part of him had grown very possessive of her, refusing to let her go. And as much as he hated to admit it, that part of him was growing exponentially. Finally, he sighed, walking over to stand behind her. Tenderly, but without much practice, he started brushing her hair back with his fingers. She merely glanced at his reflection in the mirror, a small smile gracing her lips before her focus was pulled back to her mascara.

“You know, I would feel better if you decided to come with me today” Pepper said after a while, reaching for her lipstick. Tony hummed his acknowledgement, but didn’t say anything. He was too focused on taming the wild strands of ginger hair. It felt good, just being this close to another human being and fixing something at the same time. “I’m sure Mr. Hinch would appreciate you showing up as well”

“So I can punch him in the face like last time? Didn’t know he was into that sort of thing” Tony mumbled, eyes never leaving his work.

This time it was Pepper’s turn to hum thoughtfully. Last time Tony had been in the presence of Mr. Henry Hinch, it had ended with the man’s nose bleeding after a few badly placed (he wasn’t even subtle about it, Pepper!) words and a few too many drinks in Tony. Company be damned, no one other than him could be allowed to talk to Pepper like that.

His chest flared at the thought of Mr. Hinch reaching out, stroking his way up Pepper’s arm like he belonged there, like he had every right to even look at her. He jolted back when he saw the barely-noticeable flare of green under his skin. No, not again! Not while Pepper was here.

The green tinge had disappeared as quick as it had appeared, and the feeling in his chest loosened. Tony blinked, studying his hands. Could he have imagined it? Was he growing (more) paranoid?

“Tony?” Pepper asked, looking over her shoulder to meet his eyes. The engineer cleared his throat, letting his hands fall dumbly to his side. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Just managed to scratch my own hand. Haven’t been getting enough sleep lately” He said, quickly. It was as good a cover story as ever. Pepper, for her part, seemed hesitant to believe him. But in the end, she decided it best to leave it alone.

Standing from her chair, she gave him a sly smile which he couldn’t help but return.

“Well, I have to go now. How do I look?” She asked, feeling the tight bun Tony had made of her hair. It looked surprisingly good, if he said so himself, which he didn’t, but still. Tony licked his lips, allowing his eyes to trail over her body, drinking in her form. She looked…

“Ravishing. Not sure how comfortable I am with that”

Pepper chuckled slightly, exiting the bathroom with Tony at her heels.

“If he tries anything, I’ll give him one on the nose and tell him it was from you, and then one from me”

“You’d better” Tony grinned, before saying, with more earnestly: “Good luck today”

“Thank you. I’ll hopefully be back by dinner” She turned towards the door, having grabbed her handbag at some point during their short conversation. A quick glance down at her clock and she was practically vibrating with stress again.

Before she disappeared out the door of their bedroom, she turned and gave Tony a look demanding attention. “Get some rest, Tony…”

It looked like she was about to say something else too, but her mouth closed and she was gone with a wave.

The moment the door closed behind her, the smile slipped off of Tony’s lips like a wet rag. He took a tentative step back, then another and another until he fell back on the bed. Staring down at his hands, Tony swallowed thickly. They were shaking, same as his breath. He closed his eyes, shifting his focus to his breathing. In, pause, out. In, pause out. Calm and collected. At some point, he wasn’t exactly sure when, he moved to cup his face in his hands. In, pause, out.

It was difficult, trying to focus on calming down when flashes of green behind his eyelids kept throwing him off. All the while he couldn’t shake the feeling he’d forgotten something.

“Hey, J?” Tony asked after awhile of just silence.

“Sir?” JARVIS dutifully replied.

“How long did I sleep yesterday, before Peps came and woke me up” There was something itching in his brain, and he hated having itches he couldn’t scratch. He hesitated for a second, before continuing. “And did anything… strange happen in that time?”

“Three hours, sir. And I can assure you, sir. Nothing strange has happened since the accident last night. However, it might be worth mentioning that lack of proper rest caused by nightly terrors seems to have increased with fifteen percent” Came JARVIS’ smooth drawl.

“Fifteen percent…?” Tony repeated, dumbly. He had woken up covered in cold sweat and even screaming, but he couldn’t remember… Again, the feeling of ice clamping around his arc reactor, spreading through his body like cold water, engulfed him. He let out a surprised yelp, hand automatically going to his chest as if to somehow pull it out of him. Around him, the world was darkening, consumed by endless void and distant stars at the edges. Oh god no… not again.

“Sir?” the AI sounded concerned. DUM-E whirred, wheeling over to where Tony was hunched over the bed. A small nudge from the experimental AI, and Tony was back before he’d even left. The room was spinning dangerously, but it was better than the senseless expedition into nothing.

“I’m okay” Tony forced out through gritted teeth. He had to lean against DUM-E for support while the tightening feeling around his lungs slowly subsided.

“Shall I alert Dr. Banner?” JARVIS asked.   

“No!” Tony snapped instantly. He blinked at his sudden reaction, shaking his head to clear it. Clearing his throat, he spoke again, calmer this time. “No… Don’t. Not yet, at least. No need to worry anyone”

“I apologize for my bluntness, sir, but I think it might be a bit too late for that” The window over the city darkened, casting the room in shadow before lighting up with an image. Tony stared. Steve, Natasha and Clint were gathered in the common area, sitting around the dinner table even though Tony had bought perfectly comfortable sofas that were standing only a few meters away. He scoffed.

“I just don’t understand. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he just doesn’t listen!” Steve’s voice rang out through the speakers as the super soldier threw his arms frustrated into the air on screen. Tony’s eyes narrowed. They were talking about him…

“Oh, don’t bother. He’s Tony Stark. Let him be Tony Stark” Clint said, looking very bored for having to be there. Tony got the sneaking suspicion that he was only there because Natasha was keeping him hostage.

“Yeah, I get that. It’s just… He’s Howard’s son. I feel responsible for him, I guess. And after what happened on the roof, he seems even more antisocial than normal” Steve mumbled, combing one of his colossal hands through his hair. Natasha’s head perked in interest.

“Roof? What happened on the roof?” Clint was the first to ask, straightening in his chair. The super soldier sighed, shaking his head slightly as he would often do when Tony had done something particularly childish, which probably happened a lot more than any of them liked. Tony watched as Steve re-told the tale of how he’d fainted like a girl on his own roof, freaking JARVIS out enough to call for aid. He gritted his teeth, trying to beat down the cold numbness creeping up his spine at the empty space in his memory.

“-and yesterday he wore bandages around his wrists. There is something he's not telling us, I just know it. Just can't figure out why. We're a team, aren't we? We're supposed to be able to trust each other, yet..." Steve trailed off.

"Yet... what?" Clint asked, just as Tony echoed the same words into the empty bedroom.

"He just... doesn't. I don't understand it. Howard never had trouble talking about what troubled him, but Tony is a whole different story" Again, Tony gritted his teeth. He hated being constantly compared to Howard. Hated the pressure of having to live up to his old man's legacy. Hadn't he passed that legacy years ago? Apparently not.

"Huh... it's funny you say that" Clint said, looking, for once, more thoughtful and alert. The two companions of his turned to look at him, curious. "Well... it's probably nothing. But yesterday, when I was going to get him for dinner..."

"Yes...?" Natasha and Steve asked, perfectly synchronized in the way only creepy horror-movie twins (and them, apparently) could manage. For a second, Clint looked hesitant, which was an unusual trait for the overly confident archer. He glanced around the room, seemingly looking for something to hold his gaze that wasn't Nat of Steve. How curious...

"Well. When I got there he looked like he'd just had a mental breakdown. Like, soldier with PTSD kind of breakdown. And you know that overly prized glass cabinet he has?" The others nodded while the billionaire scoffed. "Yeah, it was all over the room. Looked like someone had thrown a fucking bomb at it"

Steve and Natasha gave each other a look Tony couldn't quite decipher before the Widow turned to her friend again.

"What excuse did he give you?"

"That his creepy robot crashed into it. Don't believe that for one second though. There was waaay too much debris for it to have been just knocked over" DUM-E, creepy? What the hell kind of bullshit was that? The billionaire rolled his eyes, casting a glance over his shoulder to see the little droid was already hard at work trying to fold his clothes... trying and failing.

"You're not creepy at all" Tony mumbled, causing DUM-E to look up with a confused whirr, dropping his boxer on the floor. He smiled, giving the robot a little wave of acknowledgement before turning back to the screen where the conversation was still going.

"When I was sent to evaluate him for shield, he was dying" Tony blinked. Apparently he'd missed a portion of their conversation without realizing. Natasha continued.

"Palladium poisoning in the chest. Although he's not very good at hiding when something is wrong, Tony can be stubborn to the bone when he doesn't want you to know something. It took me several days in his employment to find out what was making him act so self-destructive. He didn't trust anyone, not even Pepper" That was a lie! Of course he trusted Pepper. He trusted her with his life... right?

Tony frowned, trying to ignore that little voice in the back of his head whispering; Then why did you never tell her? Stubbornly, he decided to shake the thought before it could get a real hold, although he knew it was already too late for that. Instead, he focused his attention back on the screen.

"But we're a team. How are we supposed to have each other's backs in the field if we can't show trust around each other at home?" Steve asked, voice bordering the line of frustration once again. A twisted little part of Tony felt nothing but satisfaction at his ability to get under the captain's skin. It would seem Steve would never be happy with him until he was a Howard Stark 2.0.

“It’s not always that easy, Cap. Ask yourself, would you really trust Tony to have your back in the battlefield-“

“Off” Tony snapped before Natasha had even finished talking. Instantly, the screen went dark. The windows became clear once again, letting in the blinding light of day. On autopilot, he blinked, eyes adjusting to the sudden brightness.

“Are you alright, sir?” JARVIS asked, voice soft. Tony thought about it. Their words were circling around his head, bringing up some of the previous fear of SHIELD finding out. But those thoughts were put far behind what Natasha had said. He reached for his emotions, anything really; anger, sorrow, betrayal maybe? It was like picking up water with his fists. The indifference towered over everything and it made him feel broken.

“Yeah, I’m fine, J. I’m fine…” He breathed in, paused, and out. DUM-E wheeled over to him, nudging his shoulder with a metal claw. Tony ignored it. “Hey J…. how about you just take a few minutes break, huh? Whaddaya say?”

“Sir?” The AI sounded so confused. The tiny bit of hurt slipping into his voice was like a fist to Tony’s gut. But he needed this.

“Deactivate AI designation Jarvis-“ He ignored the protesting ‘sir!’. “Override code 01216-HS1991”

The tower went completely dark, JARVIS’ voice fading with the lights. Only a split second later everything went back online, with the exception of the AI. DUM-E gave a confused whirr, looking at him, head tilted to the side. Tony bit his lip, pushing down on the guilt. He needed this, at least that’s what he told himself.

Without wasting too much time, he threw on some simple clothes, opened the secret compartment in the closet and fished out a bottle of ten-year-old Laphroaig. His hands were shaking around the neck of the bottle. Quickly, Tony made his way to the elevator which would take him to the staircase. Following the stairs, he found himself in his second-best hideout. The open sky framed the city, reflecting perfectly on the darker ocean. The fresh breeze, although contaminated with exhaust and filth, felt fresh. It was easy to block out the sounds of New York’s reconstruction. To just closed his eyes, breathed easy and brought the bottle to his lips.

JARVIS would be disappointed in him. So would Pepper and Rhodey and… well, he disappointing everybody right now. Not that there was anything new about that. The only person who had never shown much disappointment in Tony was Obadiah, and look where that went. He swallowed down the thought with another swig of the bottle, letting the bitter-sweet liquid burn its way down his throat.

Although he knew it was nothing but a dark illusion, it felt like the alcohol helped clear his mind. It made everything simpler to grasp. So he drank and drank and drank some more, until he was almost halfway through the bottle. Then he took a break, corking the bottle and placing it aside. The city was beautiful today, he thought aimlessly to himself, eyes trailing the line of skyscrapers touching the horizon, none of which could match the design or height of his building. Tony had always liked being high up, hence the flying suit.

At one point, his gaze had moved from the city down to his hands. His thinking process had come to a halt, slowed by the effects of whiskey. His thoughts trailed back to last night, not really grasping any of the delicate threads his memories consisted of. Tony found himself playing with the idea of controlling the green light, which didn’t make any sense because he didn’t know jack shit about what it was or where it came from. He twirled his fingers in elegant patterns, or at least they looked elegant to his drunken haze.

A slurred chuckle escaped him, followed by a hollow belly laugh which increased until he was lying on the ground laughing at full force. Tears streamed down his face, from empty laughter or demented sorrow he didn’t know. He reached for the bottle again, ripping the cork off with his teeth like some barbarian before pouring the substance down his throat, nearly choking on it. Most of the content got on his shirt or the floor, but he didn’t care. He needed more, mind consumed by need to drink, to fall back into that amazing haze where nothing really mattered anymore. Where all he had to worry about was drinking more of this god forsaken poison he craved so much of.

That was how they found him. Curled around an empty bottle, his entire body shaking with laughter from something that wasn’t even all that funny. But wasn’t that what crazies like him did? Laughing back at the world, because the world won’t stop laughing at him...