Draumr

He could feel the pull of gravity like hands around his ankles, pulling at him. Looking down, he could see nothing but the vast, dark emptiness of space. Scattered around were stars, cold and distant. In the back of his mind, some part of him tried to remind him that this was impossible. There was no gravity in space. But that part was pushed away by the ever-present panic clawing at his insides. He was going to fall. He was going to fall, and he was going to die. So he tried, tried to pull himself further up the golden staff he was clinging onto for dear life. The more he tried however, the stronger the pull from space seemed to get.

There was… someone. A person cloaked in shadow standing above him on the broken remnants of whatever the crystal-bridge-thing was. He couldn’t make out their face or shape, but he knew they were his only hope.

When he opened his mouth to call out for help, no sound came out. Desperate, he tried again, a scream this time. He screamed until his throat felt raw and he was heaving for breath, yet no sound escaped. The panic inside him doubled. Whoever they were, they didn’t seem to hear him.

Then he moved. It felt as if his body was being ripped apart, but the relief easily overshadowed it. He was being pulled up, towards help, away from the relentless force always dragging him down. It was a slow process, and he had to fight with all his might to be able to hold onto the god forsaken staff. Finally, he was close enough to the edge to reach out for it. One of his hands managed to latch onto a sharp shard of crystal while the other still held the staff. Pain shot down his arm when the crystal shards drug into his skin, but he didn’t let go. He was too close to let go.

Something, or rather, someone, grabbed him by the neck, pulling him upwards. Instinctively, his hands wrapped around the big, bulky arm which was now holding him by the throat in a choking hold. He gasped when his air-flow suddenly became limited. The hand squeezed until his eyes were bulging.

“Wh… why…-“ He didn’t even know what he was going to ask, as the thought dissipated the moment it took on a solid-enough form. Being suffocated while held over the edge of a bridge leading into the vacuum of space would do that to a person.

“You’re a disgrace” a voice said, and Tony momentarily forgot he was suffocating. Fighting his blurred vision, he managed to focus on the person holding him. Because he knew that voice.

But it wasn’t the face he was expecting to meet. Rhodey’s voice still bounced around inside his head, but the face staring back at him was Bruce’s. Confused, and on the verge of unconsciousness, all he could do was grunt his confusion.

“You have any idea what you’ve done? Can you even fathom your own actions?” It was Clint’s voice now, followed by Fury’s face. What the hell…

“The pain you’ve caused. Tens of thousands of people…” Again, the face shifted right before his eyes until Steve was glaring at him angrily while Thor’s voice continued: “… All dead because of you”

Tony’s heart almost stopped when the face morphed once again, blurring in and out of focus, as if indecisive on which individual would be best to torment him with. In the end, it seemed to settle for Natasha.

“You’re no hero. You’re a spoiled child. A parasite; leeching off of the blood of others for a little profit” Pepper’s voice growled. The grip around his throat tightened. Tony was seeing black spots at the edge of his vision. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t-

“The only thing you’ve ever fought for is yourself. You’re not a hero, Anthony, you never were. You’re not even a proper Stark” This time, his heart did stop. Tony felt every muscle go limp in the choking hold as he stared deep into the brown eyes of his father. Howard wore a cruel smile, stretching his face into something inhuman and horrid. Like out of a nightmare. Tony wanted to scream, but fate seemed to have other plans. His line of sight was darkening exponentially. Pain radiating though his being as a black hole seemed to take form in his chest, pulling away everything until he was left with the god-awful emptiness once again.

“You deserve this. You deserve it all” Obadiah’s voice whispered softly before-

He was thrown, soaring through the nothingness. Every corner seemed to grab a hold of him again, ripping until he was sure his flesh would tear. His soundless scream tore through the nothingness as darkness engulfed him.

“Tony” He awoke with a startle, heart crawling up in his throat until it became a beating, painful lump, making it difficult to breathe. A scream was already at the tip of his lips, but somehow, he managed to swallow it down before it got too far. As the momentary panic slowly bled away, he finally noticed the pair of warm hands around him, one stroking his back reassuringly while the other simply held him close. The brunette hadn’t noticed when, or even how, but he was leaning into the warmth of another human being. His head rested on her chest, and it was only when he had calmed down enough to take in her soft cooing that he actually noticed who she was.

“Pepper?” He asked, ashamed with how his voice shook. Pepper hummed affirmative, the hands stroking his back moving up to cradle his hair. Just like his mother used to do when he was young. Of course, he had questions, mainly “when did you get here?”. But for now, Tony simply let himself lean into her oh-so comfortable warmth, drinking it in desperately. When did he get so cold?

“It’s just a dream, Tony. Nothing but a bad dream. It can’t hurt you here” Pepper murmured, voice as soft as velvet. And for a second, Tony was actually tempted to believe her.

His beloved partner wiped tears away from his cheeks. He hadn’t even noticed he’d started crying…

They stayed like that. For how long exactly, Tony didn’t know. Time seemed to melt away between his fingers, like trying to hold water. It didn’t bother him at all. Pepper was so warm, so grounding. Had it been up to him, he would have stayed like that forever. His own little time bubble where nothing but Pepper and himself existed. It would be the closest thing to heaven he would ever get. But alas, she pulled away slightly to look him in the eyes.

“Tony…” She started, biting her lip. It was clear she didn’t know what to say. The brunette always found it weird when Pepper was at loss for words, as it so rarely happened. He had gotten used to her always having something to say.

“Pep” he tried, coughing slightly to clear his voice properly.

“How are you feeling?” Tony shrugged in reply. He wasn’t really feeling anything, and it was painful even after his heart had calmed. Like something was left inside him, clawing and scratching at the insides of his chest. The horrible emptiness that no amounts of alcohol could fill.

“’M fine” He murmured, not meeting her eyes. They were in his lab, he noticed. Nothing had changed since… he must have fallen asleep at the desk again. One day, it would really kill his back, he thought humourlessly. Pepper lifted his gaze from his surroundings, forcing him to look at her now sterner face.

“Tony…” She said. It was amazing how her tone could sound both worried and warning at the same time. “You’re not fine”

Well, no need to sugar-coat it, Pep, Tony thought to himself as he averted his gaze from those penetrating blue orbs. Why was it that lying never worked on her? Not that it would keep him from trying.

“Really, Pep, you said so yourself. It was just a nightmare. I’m fine now” He tried. The woman’s brows knotted together for a second, as if he was a curious puzzle she couldn’t quite figure out. Still, after years of trial and error, tony had found the best way to talk to Pepper was with her own words.

“And you being stuck on a skyscraper all day?” Tony didn’t answer. “Tony, I had to lie to the press. The least you can do is tell me what happened”

He pulled away, startling her with the sudden movement. Once warm chocolate eyes were now cold and empty as he stared at her in sudden distress. Although the action wasn’t directed against her at all. He just couldn’t get the thoughts out of his head. The burns on his wrist, which still mocked him every time he looked down at his hands. Waking up on the skyscraper and now the glass cabinet. The green light. It all stood out too clear in his mind. For a second he actually considered telling her. Spilling every drop weighing down his shoulder onto her until there was nothing left to say.

But no… he couldn’t do that to her. She had enough to deal with already. Like running his company and being his main spokesman to the press when he couldn’t attend. Hell, she even picked up his dry-cleaning still. And tony just couldn’t get himself to add to her own load by dumping his bullshit on her.

“I was testing out one of the new self-driving car models and it sorta went wrong, didn’t wanna face the public” Tony lied smoothly, looking away in shame as a pink tinge formed on his cheeks, making him look even more guilty. Pepper blinked once, twice, and Tony knew he was in for a round. She didn’t buy it for a second, of course. Her arms crossed over her puffed-out chest.

“Do you really think I’ll fall for the same BS you wanted me to give to Happy and the press? I know you better than that” She sounded more tired than angry, which was both a relief and curse for Tony. God, he hated lying to her. Ever since the palladium incident, he had told himself he would be better for her, that he wouldn’t keep secrets anymore. But what the hell else was he supposed to do? It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her. He trusted her with his life. He just couldn’t trust himself with hers.

When he didn’t say anything, Pepper let out a slow sigh, her arms dropping to her sides. “Fine. If you don’t want to tell me, I can’t force you to. Just talk to someone… You can’t continue like this-”

“Like what?” Tony cut in, feigning confusion.

“This” She waved her arms around the room, motioning toward everything and nothing at the same time. “Everything, Tony. It’s wrong. Every time something happens, you lock yourself away from everyone close to you. You barely eat, you only drink whiskey and I don’t even want to think about how little sleep you get. Tony…” Her voice softened. “You don’t have to go through this alone. The world doesn’t have to rest on your shoulders”

He tried his best to avoid the obvious hurt in her eyes. Averting his gaze, he once again focused on the bandages swirled around his wrists. He would have to change them soon, probably. Even if the wound didn’t hurt, he didn’t want to risk an infection on top of everything. Could his wounds have something to do with- oh right, Pepper.

His shoulders slumped slightly, he drew a short breath in, locked eyes with Pepper and said: “I’m fine”

This time she was the one to draw back. Her eyes narrowed, glaring down at his wrists before shifting her gaze back at his face.

“And you passing out on the roof? When were you going to inform me of that? Or what happened to your hands” again, Tony found his tongue turned heavy in his mouth. How did she know? He hadn’t told her about that, hadn’t even thought about it until now. Pepper’s shoulders sagged, hanging loosely at her sides as the realisation hit her. “you weren’t going to…”

She stepped back even further, turning her back to him as she pinched the bridge of her nose. A long, deep sigh escaped her. Tony reached out for her, wanting to desperately to offer some kind of comfort. He pulled his hand away, memories of green light flashing like a warning in his mind.

“I…” He tried, swallowing to rid himself of the hefty lump which had taken residence in his throat. It didn’t work, and the lump was growing painfully big. He couldn’t touch her, couldn’t hold her. What if something happened? He’d destroyed the cabinet, at least he thought that he had given the evidence. Who knew what he could do to a human, to Pepper. God, if anything happened to her…

“You need to leave…” The words left his mouth almost on their own accord. Still, he didn’t take them back. Pepper… everyone were in danger until he could figure out what this all was.

“What…?”

“I’m sorry, Pepper. You need to-” he was cut off when Pepper took a determined step towards him, eyes sparking with the fire Tony had come to love over the years.

“Tony, what are you talking about?” Despite the sharp edge to her voice, there was an undying softness to her features, giving away her worry for him even when she tried to mask it with annoyance. Tony swallowed again.

“It’s just…” He paused. What the fuck was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? Damn… “Something’s come up”

She cocked her head to the side, a few loose strands of red hair following the motion. The tip of her ears had taken on a deep pink tone, giving away her exhaustion. He knew that exhaustion came from him. That she was tired and didn’t get enough sleep because she was worried about him. God, what was he doing to this beautiful woman?

“Tony…” She said, reaching out for him. Tony flinched, not daring to meet her eyes in fear of the disappointment he would so surely find there. For a while, everything was silent between them. Had it not been for her breathing, Tony would have thought she’d left.

A warm hand touched his chin, pushing and urging him to look up at her. Instinctively, the engineer embraced the contact, leaning into the warmth and letting his eyes slip closed. Warm breath brushed across his cheek. When he opened his eyes, he was staring right into the deep blue of the most beautiful woman he knew. Part of him wanted to push away, to run away in fear of hurting her. However, that was all pushed down when she leaned in, allowing their lips to meet. It was quick, but the tingling feeling lingered even after she’d pulled away.

“I’m not going anywhere” She said, her voice so soft and delicate. The polar opposite of what it had been only a few minutes ago. Tony’s lip quivered, and he didn’t even know why at this point. Everything was welling up inside him, conflicting with the gaping hole in his chest. His brain was flooded with emotion, yet feeling nothing and he just couldn’t take it.

Before he could even register what he was doing, Tony had reached around the back of her neck and pushed their lips back together in a messy -more teeth and lips- kiss. A fire had lit in his chest, growing with each breath he took. He knew he was endangering her, and it only made him hate himself even more when he didn’t pull away.

“I need you” The words were but a breath of air, but they spoke with every fibre of his heart.