I'd Take It All Back Just to Have You
''I am not a good man Skye''. ''Yes you are''.
She was wrong, which is ironic because Skye is the only reason he began believing he was good in the first place. That he wasn't just black kevlar and bullets, a spy with no true loyalties to rest with other than Garrett, and her if we're being honest. That's all gone now. His life didn't start with his family no that's just a dark blur of his past Grant likes to block out whenever the memories resurface.
If you asked him several years ago he'd of said his life started with John Garrett walked into that Juvenile Detention center and gave him a second chance. But now, now Ward can't say the same. All this time it's been nothing but targets and guns, mission after mission afterwards spent in lonely cold hotel rooms or an apartment he had no ties to. It wasn't much of a life to lead, he was alone and could feel it deep in his bones.
Then she came. With her long brown hair and a smile that could bring him to his knees. Skye wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing. Ward only had one objective going into the Triskelion when he was eighteen, blend in become the picture perfect Shield agent. For years he was, got a reputation for a big bad Specialist who didn't play well with others. Went in got the job done and got out usually without a hitch.
Soon they were saying he'd been the best since Natasha Romanoff, he was the best spy they'd ever had. There was just something about him apparently that he was able to mold and shape himself into someone else in less than a second. Change his skin and become whoever they needed him to be. Sometimes Grant can't actually remember who he really is, is he just a cluster of all the covers he's been?
Who is Grant Ward really? Not a Shield agent, not the scared kid John rescued. For four years he was content to be Skye's husband, the man she thought he was. And maybe he fooled himself into thinking it was all going to work out, that he'd save John and manage to keep his cover intact. Skye Fitz and Simmons would never have to find out no one had to get hurt. But then Hydra revealed itself and the world fell apart.
And Grant knew he'd never be able to come back from it, that once Skye found out she would hate him just like everyone else. That's exactly what happened. He lost his wife his best friend, the love of his life the mother of his unborn children. He was an idiot to think she would ever stay with him, the last time he saw her she was looking at him like he was a complete stranger. Which he can't blame her for, she had no clue about any of this.
That was months ago and he hasn't stopped missing her, it's hard to sleep even harder to go on without her. For the last six years she has been a constant in his life, that was never meant to happen. He wasn't supposed to get attached to her or Fitz and Simmons. But he did and now he's paying for it. Ward secretly longs for the easy days when he went to get a drink with the three of them during the rare moments he wasn't on a mission.
Simpler times when he could trick himself into believing it was all going to be alright, that his life would last. That Fitzsimmons and Skye would always look at him as a friend, someone they trusted to protect them. They don't look at him like that anymore. And he will never have Skye back in his arms. It's funny because he thought she hated him when they first met, that night is one of his favorites.
He misses her every time he wakes, if he knew how dire the consequences were of saving John, would he have done it? Or would he of told Coulson or Hill about everything if he knew how all of this was going to play out? Honestly, he has no idea. Ward owes John everything he saved him from a hell, but Skye, Skye is the only reason any kind of light began trickling into his life. She was the first and only person to love him, he can't just ignore that.
But he's here because of John, he'd still be rotting away in prison if it wasn't for him. It's a hard line to draw.
''You still sour over that girl son? Haven't I told you there's more out there?'' Garrett claps him hard on the back, comes to face him. It's been months since the fall of Shield and they aren't any closer to finding a cure to save him than they were when this all started. If Hydra revealed itself after Garrett put a time clock on Ward to find out about Coulson, he could have done it. But that's not what happened and Grant can see his mentor's strength failing day by day.
Currently they're laying low in a safe house in Germany, Garrett's health hanginig over their heads like a knife. Sometimes the fear of losing him is so strong it's hard for Grant to catch his breath. ''Yeah you're right''. Ward tells him, the subject of Skye a sore one for more than one reason. See Grant never told John about her, the man had no idea they were married for four years, let alone had been friends for six.
She is the only thing Ward had every disobeyed John over. And he paid for it, multiple times. He still is actually. ''I'm always right. Kebo any luck over there?'' The two men look over where Ward's long time and only true friend is bent over the hood of an armored vehicle. ''If you would stop asking me every five minutes maybe I could actually get some work done and have an answer for you''. John rolls his eyes and mutters about being a smart ass.
''Does Raina have anything new?'' Ward asks Garrett who shakes his head, hand ghosting over his side. ''Flowers will find a way and if she doesn't you'll put her down for me. You know how it works''. ''Of course sir''. Kebo sends a glare Grant's way, it's ignored. A Hydra agent pulls him away leaving Kebo and Ward alone. ''Stop making that face at me''. Grant tells the other man as he walks over to him. ''I'm not making a face''. ''Yes you are''.
Kebo sighs and wipes the sweat from his brow, ''you okay boss?'' ''I'm fine''. Is Ward's automatic reply even though they both know he is anything but. ''I can create a distraction while you slip out. Go and find her''. Ward grinds his teeth, finding Skye is not an option it will never be again. ''Skye detests me, she thinks I'm a monster''. If his last encounter with his wife was any idication, she hates him now just like everyone else.
''Are you? Is that your true nature? Or is that what Garrett made you to be?'' There's a long pause as Ward looks over to his friend. ''I don't know''. And he really doesn't. Who is he without John? Did he make him this way or is Grant just the product of an abusive household and bad mistakes? Thoughts like these are spinning through his head when Kebo claps him on the shoulder, Ward doesn't cringe when it's Kebo who does it.
He didn't mind when it was Fitz either, or Skye for that matter but her touches were different than he'd ever experienced. Touch for him was a sore subject one he does not like to dwell on, but with Skye she came in with her soft hands and he misses that every day. The way she'd caress his face when she first woke, small innocent touches like brushing his shoulder or his back when he walked by her.
Skye changed everything, the way he viewed love in general. How one person can crawl inside you and become everything you've ever wanted. He never believed in much until her, love was not something he wanted. But Skye kissed him and it all just vanished. He was a goner, forever hers and that's never going to change. She hates him but he loves her, he's always been in love with her.
Grant didn't have any intention of hurting her or anyone else, the plan was to find out how Coulson survived, slip the information to John and then continue on with the rest of his life. Sure he knew Shield would fall eventually, there would be casualties, people would die, people would suffer. He just didn't expect one of them to be himself. When it was all over he and Skye would go somewhere safe and distant, away from the war to follow.
If Shield rose again (and it had) she'd want to go back and he would go with her, be done with Hydra. It was always a means to an end anyway, and John wouldn't need him as much anymore. But obviously his plan didn't run smoothly and here he is. Alone with just the memory of Skye because she will never love him again. ''You have time to figure it all out''. Is the only thing Kebo offers before going back to fix the vehicle he'd been working on for hours.
Ward stands there for a moment waiting for orders, thinking of Skye always Skye. Who is he without her?
And better yet, who is without John Garrett? There's ice fear racing down his spine at the thought. That is something he never wants to find out.